The Marauders and the Prisoner of Azkaban
by xRJLupinx
Summary: James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are sitting around in James's room when a mysterious object hits Peter in the head. It's a book called 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban', and it will change them for good.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. I do not own 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' by J.K. Rowling. The book is just being used as a plot tool.

* * *

It was a bland, rainy summer day, down casting most everyone. No one was outside. Instead everyone was sitting inside, finding a way to occupy themselves or not, the latter being Sirius Black.

"I'm bored," he said to his friends James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius, Remus and Peter were staying over at James' house, sitting around in his room.

"Why don't you try reading a book?" suggested Remus, who was reading one himself, acting the most mature of the four sixteen year old boys.

"I don't want to. I know all that stuff. You can't read a book on a day like this. Prongs," said Sirius, referring to James. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know, Padfoot. What do you want to do?" said James.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do, Wormtail?"

"I don't know," replied Peter.

"Well, now we're really getting some ideas," said Remus sarcastically.

Sirius sighed loudly. "I'm bored."

"We've heard," said Remus, getting annoyed. "If you ever have anything new to tell us, just mention it."

"Okay," said Sirius. "What about: the more bored I get, the crankier you get."

"I'm not getting cranky!"

"Yes you are."

"Oh, I'm going to eat some chocolate," said Remus, closing his book and taking a half eaten chocolate bar out of his pocket.

"You've had chocolate all along and you didn't tell us?" asked James loudly.

"Yes, I usually do have it with me."

"Oh, come on, give us some!" whined Sirius.

Now, nobody had been paying much attention to Peter, until about a second later when there was a thump, and Peter loudly said, "Ow!"

"Ow!" said Peter. "Something fell on my head!"

"You better hope it doesn't hurt your brain," said James.

"Prongs, have you been gluing things on your ceiling again?" asked Peter.

"Er, no," said James.

Remus reached over for the object that had hit Peter on the head. "It's a book. _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_."

"Potter?" Peter asked. "Do you know him, Prongs?"

"No," said James. "I don't think there are any Harrys in my family."

"Give me that." Sirius took the book from Remus and looked at the cover. "Hmm. He looks just like you. Except for his eyes. And that weird scar on his forehead."

James looked intently at the boy called Harry. "He has my hair. Maybe he _is_ related to me."

"Let's see what year it was written in," said Remus, taking the book back from Sirius. He flipped the book open to the copyright page. "Copyright 1999 by J. K. Rowling."

"1999?" repeated Sirius. "It can't be! This is 1976! Let me see." He took the book from Remus again and read the page. "1999. But that's over twenty years from now!"

"I know! I've got it!" James exclaimed. "It's a book _from the future!_"

Peter began humming _The Twilight Zone_ theme song. James and Sirius looked at him blankly.

"Muggle show," explained Peter.

"Come on!" said Sirius eagerly. "Let's read the future book!"

"I thought you didn't want to read any books," Remus commented.

"But we've got to read the future book!" whined Sirius. "Read it!"

"Yeah, Moony. Read it to us," said James.

"Please?" added Peter.

"Alright," said Remus. He took the book from Sirius and flipped to the first chapter. "_Chapter One. Owl Post._"

"Moony, can we eat your chocolate as you read to us?" Peter asked.

Remus sighed. "Oh, fine," he said and gave them the chocolate bar, then returned his attention to the book.

**Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways.**

"Sounds kind of like Moony!" said James.

"Arrooo!" howled Sirius.

"Guys…" said Remus.

"Oh, sorry," James said.

"Yeah," agreed Sirius.

**For one thing, he hated the summer holidays more than any other time of the year. For another, he really wanted to do his homework but was forced to do it in secret, in the dead of night. And he also happened to be a wizard.**

"Hey, do you think he goes to Hogwarts?" asked Peter.

"Probably," said Sirius.

**It was nearly midnight, and he was lying on his stomach in bed, the blankets drawn right over his head like a tent, a flashlight in one hand and a large leather-bound book (_A History of Magic_ by Bathilda Bagshot) propped open against a pillow.**

"Gee," said Remus. "Sounds a bit like someone here." He pointed at Peter.

"Nuh uh!" Peter pointed at Sirius.

"No!" Sirius pointed at James.

James was going to point at Remus, but remembered Remus didn't do that type of thing. He pointed up to the ceiling. Sirius, Peter, and Remus all burst out laughing.

**Harry moved the tip of his eagle-feather quill down the page, frowning as he looked for something that would help him write his essay, "Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless- discuss.**

**The quill paused at the top of a likely looked paragraph. Harry pushed his round glasses up the bridge of his nose, moved his flashlight closer to the book, and read:**

"Eh, skip that bit," said Sirius. "I don't want to learn. I bet it's about that weird Wendy or whatever her name is."

"As you wish. And her name was Wendelin the Weird, not 'weird Wendy'," said Remus.

"Whatever," Sirius said.

Remus skipped over the extract from the textbook and continued reading.

**Harry put his quill between his teeth and reached underneath his pillow for his ink bottle and roll of parchment.**

"Odd. I like to keep cheese under my pillow," said Peter.

"Cheese!" James laughed. "Ha ha ha!"

"Yeah, well, it's not like what's under your pillow is better. What's under your pillow?"

"A picture of Lily," replied James.

"Aww, and just what do you do with it?" grinned Sirius evilly.

"Moony, keep reading," said James quickly.

**Slowly and very carefully he unscrewed the ink bottle, dipped his quill into it, and began to write, pausing every now and then to listen, because if any of the Dursleys heard the scratching of his quill on their way to the bathroom, he'd probably find himself locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the summer.**

"Child abuse!" yelled James. "They can't do that to my relative!"

"Actually, Prongs, even though they're not being very nice to him, they're not really abusing him," Remus pointed out.

"Still!" said James. "They can't- wait, who are these Dursleys? Where are his mum and dad? Keep reading."

**The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive, was the reason that Harry never enjoyed his summer holidays_._**

"You!" shouted James. "You Dursleys, you!"

**Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and their son, Dudley, were Harry's only living relatives. They were Muggles, and they had a very medieval attitude toward magic**_**.** _

Remus stopped reading and looked up at his friends. "You know what's odd…Lily told me that she has a sister named Petunia. And that Petunia hates magic. You don't think it's her?"

"No way," said Sirius. "That would be too weird."

"Padfoot, this _was _written in 1999."

"I don't get it," said Peter.

"Neither do I!" complained James. "Why is it that Lily talks to and is friends with Moony, but just slaps me?"

"Prongs, maybe you should be more compassionate and understanding."

"I am!" said James. "I'm trying!"

"Compassion and understanding isn't done by taking off people's pants," said Remus simply.

"Well, you know, Snivellus had it coming."

"And it was so funny!" laughed Sirius.

"Yep!" laughed Peter. "But can we get back to the story?"

**Harry's dead parents, who had been a witch and wizard themselves, were never mentioned under the Dursleys' roof.**

"What!" shouted James. "The poor guy's parents are dead and he doesn't even get to talk about them?"

**For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him. To their fury, they had been unsuccessful.**

"Ha!" said Sirius.

**These days they lived in terror of anyone finding out that Harry had spent most of the last two years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The most they could do, however, was to lock away Harry's spell books, wand, cauldron and broomstick at the start of summer break, and forbid him to talk to the neighbors_._**

"Child abuse. That's all I have to say," muttered James.

**This separation from his spell books had been a real problem for Harry, because his teachers at Hogwarts had given him a lot of holiday work_._**

"Oh, don't we know it," said Peter.

"I haven't even started mine," Sirius told them.

"Me neither," agreed James.

"I did a little," said Remus. "Maybe we should be doing our homework instead of reading this book."

There was a silence of consideration from all boys, and then-

"Nah."

**One of the essays, a particularly nasty one about shrinking potions, was for Harry's least favorite teacher, Professor Snape, who would be delighted to have an excuse to give Harry detention for a month.**

"No way," said James blankly.

"It can't be!" exclaimed Sirius. "Snivellus? _A teacher?"_

"It sounds like him," said Peter. "I bet he'd give a detention."

"This is so strange," commented Remus. "The possibility that his Petunia is Lily's sister…Professor Snape…Harry Potter… This book could be telling the future as we know it!"

"Don't stop now!" said Sirius. "I want to know what happens!"

**Harry had therefore seized his chance in the first week of holidays. While Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley had gone out into the front garden to admire Uncle Vernon's new company car (in very loud voices, so that the rest of the street would notice it too)-**

"Showoffs," muttered Peter.

"Yeah," said James. "What a bunch of good for nothing showoffs."

"Er, Prongs," said Sirius. "You _do_ show off with that Snitch."

"There's a difference."

"Suuuure there is."

**Harry had crept downstairs, picked the lock on the cupboard under the stairs, grabbed some of his books, and hidden them in his bedroom. As long as he didn't leave spots of ink on the sheets, the Dursleys need never know that he was studying magic by night.**

"There's a good mischief maker!" said Peter, swinging his arm.

James pointed at the book. "That's my relative! Good job!"

**Harry was particularly keen to avoid trouble with his aunt and uncle at the moment, as they were already in an especially bad mood with him, all because he'd received a telephone call from a fellow wizard one week into the school vacation_._**

"Ring ring!" said James, imitating a telephone.

"Hello?" asked Sirius, picking up an imaginary telephone.

"This is James Potter," said James, talking into an imaginary telephone.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to stop abusing my relative!"

"That's it! Now we're going to be in a bad mood with your relative! We're going to make him miserable!" Sirius fake-yelled and then hung up. James and Sirius broke out into laughter.

**Ron Weasley, who was one of Harry's best friends at Hogwarts, came from a whole family of wizards. This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn't, but had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily, it had been Uncle Vernon who answered the call_._**

"I knew it!" James yelled. "You're going to make my relative more miserable then he is! Just wait until I find you! I'll hurt you, you little piece of-"

**"Vernon Dursley speaking."**

**Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron's voice answer.**

**"HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I-WANT-TO-TALK-TO-HARRY-POTTER!"**

"Ah, a newcomer to the telephone," said Peter. "It's so much fun to watch them be idiots."

**Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.**

"Hey, Moony made one of those faces when he thought the chocolate pudding at Hogwarts didn't taste right!" said James.

"Yeah! You kept ranting about how they had contaminated the flavor or something!" laughed Sirius.

"Well, they did!" replied Remus indignantly. "They weren't giving the chocolate its proper, luscious flavor!"

"You and the chocolate," laughed Peter. "Do you ever not have chocolate with you?"

"Er…no…not really," said Remus. "Only a few times. Never mind, let's keep reading."

**"WHO IS THIS?" he roared in the direction of the mouthpiece. "WHO ARE YOU?"**

**"RON-WEASLEY!" Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football field.**

"Didn't one of your last conversations with Lily go something like that?" Sirius asked, looking at James. "You two were yelling really loud."

James nodded sheepishly. "I asked her out….and then she yelled at me for taking off Snivelly's pants, then asking her out. And I kind of yelled back. And she yelled louder."

"I couldn't even hear my jazz music," Remus added.

"That was an improvement," said Peter.

"Hey! I like my jazz music!"

"I was just joking."

**"I'M-A-FRIEND-OF-HARRY'S-FROM SCHOOL-"**

**Uncle Vernon's small eyes swiveled around to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.**

"Really?" asked Sirius. "You mean he became like a tree and got planted to the ground?"

"No, stupid, it's an expression," explained Remus.

"I'm not stupid, I'm just not as smart as you are. It's not nice to call people names."

**"THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!" he roared, now holding the receiver at arm's length, as though frightened it might explode**_._

James considered that sentence. "You know…that's a good idea."

"Exploding telephones," said Sirius. "I like it."

Remus rolled his eyes, and then looked at the book and said, "Oh, thanks a lot."

**"I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!"**

**And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider_._**

"I bet he has loads of friends," said Peter sarcastically.

**"The fight that followed had been one of the worst ever.**

**"****HOW DARE YOU GIVE THIS NUMBER TO PEOPLE LIKE- PEOPLE LIKE**_** YOU!" **_**Uncle Vernon had roared, spraying Harry with spit**.

"So now you're making my relative miserable, ruining his social life _and_ getting germs all over him! Just wait until I find you!" James yelled at the book.

"Hey, Moony, do you think you're done screaming?" asked Peter. "When you're reading in capitals, you talk really loud."

Remus nodded as he scanned down the page. "Well, that's how I'm supposed to say it."

**Ron had obviously realized that he'd gotten Harry into trouble, because he hadn't called again. Harry's other best friend from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, hadn't been in touch either. Harry suspected that Ron had warned Hermione not to call, which was a pity, because Hermione, the cleverest witch in Harry's year, had Muggle parents, knew perfectly well how to use a telephone, and would probably have had enough sense not to say that she went to Hogwarts.**

**So Harry had had no word from any of his wizarding friends for five long weeks, and this summer was turning out to be almost as bad as the last one_._**

"The last one?" roared James at the book. "What did you do to my relative then! Hmm? What!"

"Prongs, calm down!" said Sirius, pushing James down before he could attack the book. "He'll probably be better when he goes back to Hogwarts. And he won't have to see them. And everything will be okay."

"I doubt it."

**There was just one very small improvement- after swearing that he wouldn't use her to send letters to any of his friends, Harry had been allowed to let his owl, Hedwig, out at night. Uncle Vernon had given in because of all the racket Hedwig made if she was locked in her cage all the time_._**

"Kind of like Moony," said Peter. "Before we started going to Hogsmeade at night, you just kept howling and shrieking in the Shrieking Shack."

"Oh, thanks for the comparison," said Remus sarcastically. "And I might remind you that you're an Animagus, so you don't have to deal with monthly forced transformations.

"But you _were_ loud."

**Harry finished writing about Wendelin the Weird and paused to listen. The silence in the dark house was broken only by the distant, grunting, snores of his enormous cousin, Dudley_._**

"Aha! And that's like you, Wormtail!" said Sirius.

"What?" Peter asked.

"_You_ snore in your sleep!" he said triumphantly.

"So?" he asked.

"It's loud. And annoying," Sirius said simply.

**It must be very late, Harry thought. His eyes were itching with tiredness. Perhaps he'd finish this essay tomorrow night…**

**He replaced the top of the ink bottle; pulled an old pillow case from under his bed; put the flashlight, _A History of Magic_, his essay, quill, and ink inside it; got out of bed; and hid the lot under a loose floorboard under his bed.**

"Under the bed," repeated James. "I find that a great place to hide things you don't want anyone else to know about."

"Wicked. I'll go look under it when we get back at Hogwarts for our sixth year," said Sirius casually.

"Wait a minute! I didn't say that _I_ hide things under the bed! Just that it's a good place to hide things!" James hurriedly said.

**Then he stood up, stretched, and checked the time on the luminous alarm clock on his bedside table.**

**It was one o' clock in the morning. Harry's stomach gave a funny jolt. He had been thirteen years old, without realizing it, for a whole hour.**

"Happy birthday, my dear relative!" said James happily.

**Yet another unusual thing about Harry was how little he looked forward to his birthdays. He had never received a birthday card in his life. The Dursleys had completely ignored his last two birthdays, and he had no reason to suppose that they would remember this one.**

James gasped. "My poor, poor relative! You know what this means, don't you?"

"That his relatives are very cruel, uncaring people, and his friends should have sent him birthday cards if they were really his friends?" suggested Remus.

"No!" said James. "We're going to have to sing to him 'Happy Birthday'!"

"We're going to what?" Sirius asked.

"Come on! It's my relative we're talking about! Sing!"

And so the boys began singing 'Happy Birthday' as they looked at the book, James being the most enthusiastic about this song.

"_Happy Birthday to you!  
__Happy Birthday to you!  
__Happy Birthday dear Harry!  
__Happy Birthday to you!"_

"Great," said Peter. "Now we've sung like idiots to a book. I don't even think it heard us."

"It's the thought that counts," James pointed out.

**Harry walked across the dark room, past Hedwig's large, empty cage, to the open window. He leaned on the sill, the cool night air pleasant on his face after a long time under the blankets. Hedwig had been absent for two nights now.**

"Maybe someone ate her!" said Peter.

"Arrroooo!" howled Sirius again.

Remus frowned. "Will you please stop it with the werewolf jokes? They're not funny."

"Sorry."

**Harry wasn't worried about her: she'd been gone this long before. But he hoped she'd be back soon- she was the only living creature in this house who didn't flinch at the sight of him.**

**Harry, though still rather small and skinny for his age, had grown a few inches over the last year. His jet-black hair, however was just as it always had been- stubbornly untidy, whatever he did to it.**

"Just like Prongs!" said Sirius excitedly.

**The eyes behind his glasses were bright green, and on his forehead, clearly visible through his hair, was a thin scar, shaped like a bolt of lightning.**

"Not…like…Prongs," said Sirius, losing his excitement.

**Of all the unusual things about Harry, this scar was the most extraordinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents, because Lily and James Potter had not died in a car crash.**

Remus stopped reading and looked at the sentence.

"Merlin's Beard!" yelled James, louder than he had ever yelled before in that room. "Read it again!"

Remus obliged.

**It was not as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents, because Lily and James Potter had not died in a car crash.**

"Wow!" James shouted, and started talking very quickly. "Harry is my son! I married Lily! Harry is _our_ son! Yeah!"

"Are you _sure_ it's Lily?" Peter asked. "I can't see her marrying him."

"But, it did say that Harry has green eyes," said Sirius slowly.

"And Lily has green eyes!" exclaimed James gleefully. "This is great! I married Lily! I married Lily! And this book is about my son!"

Remus had been smiling at James' excitement, also wondering why Lily would marry him, and then his eyes flicked to the next sentence, and the smile disappeared. "Um…Prongs…I think you'd better hear the next line."

"What is it?" said James, sitting back down, for he had stood up and started jumping crazy.

**They had been murdered, murdered by the most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years, Lord Voldemort. Harry had escaped from the same attack with nothing more than a scar on his forehead, where Voldemort's curse, instead of killing him, had rebounded upon its originator. Barely alive, Voldemort had fled…**

Remus looked up at his friends, and the following comments came from them.

"Don't say his name!" said Peter.

"Wow!" said Sirius in awe.

"I'm _dead!_" said a thunderstruck James.

"I'm sorry," said Remus.

"And this _is_ a future book, right?" said James. "It means…it means I die? That's just not fair!"

"Well…at least you got to marry Lily!" said Sirius, clearly looking for a bright side.

"And just look at your cool son!" said Peter.

"Yeah…I just can't stand thinking that he has to live with these Dursleys during the summer. They're so mean! Where were you guys? Why didn't one of you take care of him?"

"I don't know…the future is a very strange thing," said Remus. "And I doubt that Divination works. I hate Divination. Too many crystal orbs."

"Well…let's read on, then," said James.

**But Harry had come face-to-face with him at Hogwarts. Remembering their last meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky even to have reached his thirteenth birthday.**

"I'm not sure whether to be upset that Harry has had to more than once encounter the guy who murdered me, or be proud that he was brave and got passed it," said James tonelessly.

"Let's go with proud," said Sirius.

**He scanned the starry sky for a sign of Hedwig, perhaps soaring back to him with a dead mouse dangling from her beak, expecting praise.**

"I find that to be personal!" said Peter. "What if that dead mouse was me?"

"Are you that stupid?" asked Sirius. "What would you be doing spending your time as a rat?"

"I don't know," replied Peter.

**Gazing absently over the rooftops, it was a few seconds before Harry realized what he was seeing.**

"He was seeing his father resurrected from the dead!" Sirius brightly said.

"That's not really helping."

**Silhouetted against the golden moon-**

"The question is, is it full or not?" said Sirius.

"Padfoot…" began Remus.

"Sorry!"

**- and growing larger every moment was a large, strangely lopsided creature, and it was flapping in Harry's direction. He stood quite still, watching it sink lower and lower. For a split second he hesitated, his hand on the window latch, wondering whether to slam it shut. But then the bizarre creature soared over one of the street lamps of Privet Drive, and Harry, realizing what it was, leapt aside_._**

"Because it was his _mother_ resurrected from the dead!" said Sirius.

"You're really not helping now," said James plainly.

"I think I'll take that chocolate back," said Remus.

"No, no! Wormtail, help me! Don't let him get it!"

"Give me," said Remus. "You've gotten high enough."

"No!"

"Padfoot, give him the chocolate," said James, still looking at the book in a sort of sad way.

"Oh, fine. Here Moony," he said and gave Remus the chocolate.

**Through the window soared three owls, two of them holding up the third, which appeared to be unconscious. They landed with a soft flump on Harry's bed, and the middle owl, which was large and gray, keeled right over and lay motionless. There was a large package tied to its legs.**

**Harry recognized the unconscious owl at once- his name was Errol, and he belonged to the Weasley family.**

"Not Arthur Weasley?" asked Peter. "He's not in school anymore, but he graduated sometime when we were in school."

"I don't know," said James. "Is everyone in this book? This is too weird."

**Harry dashed to the bed, untied the cords around Errol's legs, took off the parcel, and then carried Errol to Hedwig's cage. Errol opened one bleary eye, gave a feeble hoot of thanks, and began to gulp some water_._**

"Because I am your friend who is high off chocolate, I will try and refrain myself from saying who that reminded me off," said Sirius.

"Good," Remus said. "Because we don't want to know."

**Harry turned to the remaining owls. One of them, the large snowy female, was his own Hedwig. She, too, was carrying a parcel and looked extremely pleased with herself. She gave Harry an affectionate nip with her beak as he removed her burden, then flew across the room to join Errol.**

**Harry didn't recognize the third owl, a handsome tawny one, but he knew at once where it had come from, because in addition to a third package, it was carrying a letter bearing the Hogwarts crest.**

"Why?" asked James loudly. "What has my son done now? Why has Hogwarts sent him a letter? How could my son do this to me and get in trouble?"

"Er…Prongs…It's probably his letter for his new school supplies that he needs to get, and reminding him that term begins on September 1st," said Remus. "And he's probably getting his permission slip for Hogsmeade."

"Oh yeah…"

**When Harry relieved this owl of its burden, it ruffled its feathers importantly, stretched its wings, and took off through the window into the night.**

"Show off," muttered Sirius.

**Harry sat down on his bed and grabbed Errol's package, ripped off the brown paper, and discovered a present wrapped in gold, and his first ever birthday card.**

"My son has a great friend!" said James happily. "Really. Thirteen years and this is his first ever birthday card? That's sad."

**Fingers trembling slightly, he opened the envelope. Two pieces of paper fell out- a letter and a newspaper clipping.**

**The clipping had clearly come out of the wizarding newspaper, the _Daily Prophet_, because the people in the black-and-white picture were moving_._**

"I see moving people!" said Peter, obviously thinking this was very funny.

"I'm just not going to ask," Sirius said.

**Harry picked up the clipping, smoothed it out, and read:**

**MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE**

**_Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw. A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, "We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank." The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend_.**

"Woah!" said Sirius. "Five? And then there other son isn't there. That's six kids! Who would want six kids?"

"The Weasleys," said Peter.

**Harry scanned the moving photograph, and a grin spread across his face as he saw all nine of the Weasleys waving furiously at him, standing in front of a large pyramid. Plump little Mrs. Weasley; tall, balding Mr. Weasley; six sons; and one daughter, all (though the black-and-white picture didn't show it) with flaming-red hair. Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling, with his pet rat, Scabbers, on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.**

"Seven! That's seven kids!" said Sirius. "It's like…what's that Muggle fairy tale about that girl and the midgets?"

"You mean 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, that one. I wonder if they all have personalities like that. Like Grumpy…and Happy…and Doofy."

"It was Dopey."

"Oh, right. I knew that."

**Harry couldn't think of anyone who deserved to win a large pile of gold more than the Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor.**

"That's my son!" said James excitedly. "He's such a good son! He cares about his friend getting gold and is happy for him!"

**He picked up Ron's letter and unfolded it.**

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**Happy birthday!**_

**_Look, I'm really sorry about that telephone call. I hope the Muggles didn't give you a hard time. I ask Dad, and he reckons I shouldn't have shouted.  
_**

"Really?" said Peter sarcastically.

**'_It's amazing here in Egypt. Bill's taken us all around the tombs and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them. Mum wouldn't let Ginny come in the last one. There were all these mutant skeletons in there, of Muggles who'd broken in and grown extra heads and stuff.'_**

"Wicked!" said Sirius. "I want to see that!"

**_'I couldn't believe it when Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw. Seven hundred galleons! Most of it's gone on this trip, but they're going to buy me a new wand for next year.'_**

**Harry remembered only too well the occasion when Ron's old want had snapped. It had happened when the car the two of them had been flying to Hogwarts had crashed into a tree on the school grounds.**

"What!" yelled James. "Why did my son fly a car to Hogwarts? What's wrong with the train? And they crashed into a tree! How stupid can he get?"

Remus looked up at James yelling. James angry face had softened into a light expression after his yelling, and he said softly, "My son rocks." Sirius, Remus and Peter started laughing.

**'_We'll be back about a week before term starts and we'll be going up to London to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of meeting you there?_**

**_Don't let the Muggles get you down!_**

**_Try and come to London._**

**_Ron_**

**_P.S. Percy's Head Boy. He got the letter last week.'_**

**Harry glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, was looking perfectly smug.**

"Moony, if you become Head Boy, you better not get that attitude with us," Sirius said.

"Of course I won't," said Remus. "Besides, I don't think I'll get it. I'm horrible at being a prefect as it is. I'm always letting you guys get away with things."

"Isn't it great?" grinned Sirius.

**He had pinned his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair, his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.**

**Harry now turned to his present and unwrapped it. Inside was what looked like a miniature glass spinning top. There was another note from Ron beneath it_._**

**'_Harry- this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there's someone untrustworthy around, it's supposed to light up and spin. Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night. But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup._**

**_Bye- Ron.'_**

"Great," said Peter sadly. "I had one of those. But I threw it away because I thought it didn't work properly."

"We'll get you one for Christmas," said James. "Anyway, that was a great idea. At school, let's put beetles in Snivellus' soup!"

"Yeah!" said Sirius.

Remus glared at the book. "You're really becoming such a bad influence."

**Harry put the Pocket Sneakoscope on his bedside table, where it stood quite still, balanced on its point, reflecting the luminous hands of his clock. He looked at it happily for a few seconds, then picked up the parcel Hedwig had brought.**

**Inside this, too, there was a wrapped present, a card, and a letter, this time from Hermione.**

"Hmm. Why is it that my son gets his presents from his friends this year? What about the other years they were friends?" James mumbled.

**'_Dear Harry,_**

**_Ron wrote to me and told me about his phone call to your Uncle Vernon. I do hope you're all right._**

**_I'm on holiday in France at the moment and I didn't know how to send this to you- what if they'd opened it at customs?- but then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change.'_**

"Did I mention that my son's owl rocks too?" said James.

**'_I bought your present by owl-order; their was an advertisement in the _Daily Prophet _(I've been getting it delivered; it's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world). Did you see that picture of Ron and his family a week ago? I bet he's learning loads. I'm really jealous- the ancient Egyptian wizards were fascinating._**

**_There's some interesting local history of witchcraft here, too. I've rewritten my whole History of Magic essay to include some of the things I've found out. I hope it's not too long- it's two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for._**

**_Ron says he's going to be in London in the last week of the holidays. Can you make it? Will your aunt and uncle let you come? I really hope you can. If not, I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express on September first!_**

**_Love from_**

**_Hermione_**

**_P.S. Ron says Percy's Head Boy. I'll bet Percy's really please. Ron doesn't seem too happy about it'._**

"She sounds annoying," stated Peter.

"But very clever," said Remus.

"Annoyingly clever," Sirius settled.

"What's this 'love from'?" James asked. "Does my son have a girlfriend already?"

"No, I think it said that she was just his friend," said Remus.

"That's what they all say," James pointed out. "It says that they're just friends. But really, they're _more_ than friends."

"I guess that's why nothing is going on between you and Lily, is there?" Sirius teased.

"Shut it!"

**Harry laughed as he put Hermione's letter aside and picked up her present. It was very heavy. Knowing Hermione, he was sure it would be a large book of very difficult spells- but it wasn't. His heart gave a huge bound as he ripped back the paper and saw a sleek black leather case, with silver words stamped across it, reading Broomstick Servicing Kit.**

**"Wow, Hermione!" Harry whispered, unzipping the case to look inside.**

**There was a large jar of Fleetwood's High-Finish Handle Polish, a pair of gleaming silver Tail-Twig Clippers, a tiny brass compass to clip on your broom for long journeys, and a Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare.**

"Now that's what I need!" said James, marveling at what his son had received for his birthday. "How come you guys never got me one of those for my birthday?"

"Because I got you that huge package of one thousand and plus items of pranks to use, and that was a lot of money," said Sirius.

"Because I helped buy the same thing," said Peter.

"Because I also helped buy the thing, and besides, I'm not about to buy you anything with silver in it," said Remus.

"Oh…right. Sorry."

"It's alright," said Remus.

**Apart from his friends, the thing that Harry missed most about Hogwarts was Quidditch, the most popular sport in the magical world- highly dangerous, very exciting, and played on broomsticks. Harry happened to be a very good Quidditch player; he had been the youngest person in a century to be picked for one of the Hogwarts house teams. One of Harry's most prized possessions was his Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom.**

"I LOVE MY SON!" James declared. "Not only has he gotten my love for Quidditch and my talent on a broomstick, he's the youngest Quidditch player in a century! And he's got a great broom, even though I've never heard of it yet! But it's bound to be good. I bet you guys don't have a son as cool as mine! Harry, you rock. I am so proud to be your father."

"You only love your son so much now because he likes Quidditch and is good at it," Sirius pointed out.

"So?" James asked.

**Harry put the leather case aside and picked up his last parcel. He recognized the untidy scrawl on the brown paper at once: this was from Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper.**

"Hey, it's Hagrid!" said Peter. "He's the gamekeeper at school right now!"

**He tore off the top layer of paper and glimpsed something green and leathery, but before he could unwrap it properly, the parcel gave a strange quiver, and whatever was inside it snapped loudly- as though it had jaws.**

"It's a miniature werewolf!" shouted Sirius.

"Padfoot!" yelled Remus.

"Sorry, sorry. Couldn't resist."

"Besides, it was described nothing like a werewolf. Are werewolves _green and leathery?"_

"Er…no. Unless they-"

"Stop! I'm just going to keep reading."

**Harry froze. He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose, but then, Hagrid didn't have a normal person's view of what was dangerous. Hagrid had been known to befriend giant spiders, buy vicious, three-headed dogs from men in pubs, and sneak illegal dragon eggs into his cabin.**

"Woah! I didn't know he did all that stuff!" said Peter. "What's wrong with his head?"

"I don't know," said James. "Guess it resembles yours."

"Hey!"

**Harry poked the parcel nervously. It snapped loudly again.**

"Guys…I'm kind of scared," said Peter. I wonder what it is?"

"Yeah! What did this Hagrid send my son?"

**Harry reached for the lamp on his bedside table, gripped it firmly in one hand, and raised it over his head, ready to strike. Then he seized the rest of the wrapping paper in his other hand and pulled.**

**And out fell- a book.**

Sirius pointed at Peter and started laughing. "A book! A book! You were scared of a book!"

"That's not just any book!" said Peter defensively. "It's like a man eating book!"

**Harry had just enough time to register its handsome green cover, emblazoned with the golden title _The Monster Book of Monster_s, before it flipped onto its edge and scuttled sideways along the bed like some weird crab.**

**"Uh-oh," Harry muttered.**

**The book toppled off the bed with a loud clunk and shuffled rapidly across the room. Harry followed it stealthily. The book was hiding in a dark space under his desk. Praying that the Dursleys were still fast asleep, Harry got down on his hands and knees and reached toward it.**

"Go son, go!" cheered James.

**"Ouch!"**

**The book snapped shut on his hand and then flapped past him, still scuttling on its covers. Harry scrambled around, threw himself forward, and managed to flatter it. Uncle Vernon gave a loud, sleepy grunt in the room next door.**

**Hedwig and Errol watched interestedly as Harry clamped the struggling book tightly in his arms, hurried to his chest of drawers, and pulled out a belt, which he bucked tightly around it. The Monster Book shuddered angrily, but could no longer flap and snap, so Harry threw it down on the bed and reached for Hagrid's card.**

"Hooray for my son, Harry!" said James, who seemed to have gotten over the fact that he would be dying, since he realized how cool his son would be. "He just stopped that monster book from attacking him!"

**_'Dear Harry_**

**_Happy Birthday!_**

**_Think you might find this useful for next year. Won't say no more here. Tell you when I see you._**

**_Hope the Muggles are treating you right._**

**_All the best,_**

**_Hagrid'_**

**It struck Harry as ominous that Hagrid thought a biting book would come in useful, but he put Hagrid's card up next to Ron and Hermione's, grinning more broadly than ever.**

"You know what? Ron, Hermione and Hagrid also rock," James decided. "Look how happy they've made my son!"

"Does anyone else have the feeling that the only other sound we'll hear besides Moony reading, is Prongs talking about his son?" Sirius asked.

"Yep," said Peter.

Remus nodded.

"But I love my son!" protested James.

"We know you do," said Remus. "But we're trying to read a book. We've got a long way to go."

"Alright, I'll try and keep quiet. Promise."

**Now there was only the letter from Hogwarts left.**

**Noticing that it was rather thicker than unusual, Harry slit open the envelope, pulled out the first page of parchment within, and read**_:_

**'_Dear Mr. Potter,_**

**_Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from King's Cross station, platform nine and three-quarters, at eleven o'clock._**

**_Third years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade on certain weekends. Please give the enclosed permission form to your parent or guardian to sign._**

**_A list of books for next year is enclosed._**

**_Yours sincerely,_**

**_Professor M. McGonagall_**

**_Deputy Headmistress'_**

**Harry pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form and looked at it, no longer grinning. It would be wonderful to visit Hogsmeade on weekends; he knew it was an entirely wizarding village, and he had never set foot there. But how on earth was he going to persuade Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia to sign the form?**

"YOU MEAN THAT RUDDY AUNT AND UNCLE OF HIS WOULDN'T LET HIM GO TO HOGSMEADE?" James yelled angrily.

"Knew his promise wouldn't last," said Sirius sourly.

"Prongs, do you think you could be a little quieter?" Remus asked.

"But- but, my son! He doesn't think they'll sign the form, which means that they're horrible guardians!"

"There's nothing we can do about it," said Remus. "He'll be out of there soon enough."

"Can't wait," said James.

**He looked over at the alarm clock. It was now two o'clock in the morning.**

**Deciding that he'd worry about the Hogsmeade form when he woke up, Harry got back into bed and reached up to cross another day on the chart he'd made for himself, counting down the days left until his return to Hogwarts. Then he took off his glasses and lay down, facing his three birthday cards.**

**Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment, Harry Potter felt just like everyone else- glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday_._**

"How sweet!" said James. "But sad! This is the only time my son is happy it's his birthday!"

"That's the end of chapter one," said Remus.

"Read the next one!" said James eagerly. "I want to hear more about my son!"

"My son this, my son that," Sirius mocked.

"Don't mock me, Padfoot!" said James. "If you found a strange future book about your son who you never knew you had, wouldn't you want to read it and know all about him?"

"Well, yeah," said Sirius. "But more importantly, I'd want to know who the hot chick I had him with was."

"Okay," said Peter slowly. "That was pleasant to hear. Now Moony, would you read the next chapter?"

"In a minute, I want some of my chocolate," said Remus, and he began to eat a bit.

And then, once Remus was done, he opened the book to the next chapter, and Sirius, James and Peter sat beside him, highly anticipating what came next to the boy called Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

"All right, onto Chapter Two," said Remus. He was about to read the chapter title, but then frowned. "Padfoot, don't try and change the title here."

"Why?" said Sirius innocently. "Why would I change the title?"

"I know you would," said Remus.

"Oh, come on, give it a try."

"I know you're going to change it…but if you insist…" Remus read aloud the chapter title. "_Chapter Two. Aunt Marge's Big-"_

"Arse!" interrupted Sirius.

"How did I know you would say that?" Remus asked no one in particular. "The chapter is supposed to be called _Aunt Marge's Big Mistake."_

"My title could still work," Sirius pressed on. "Maybe her big mistake was having a big arse, because then she broke a chair."

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes.

**Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table. They were watching a brand-new television, a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television set in the living room.**

"What a pig!" Peter exclaimed.

"Merlin, who's _that_ lazy?" Sirius asked, laughing.

"What about my son?" said an outraged James. "Where's _his_ welcome-home-for-the-summer-present?"

**Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually_._**

"Five chins? Woah!" said Sirius. "I think this kid has eaten enough. If he eats any more, he's going to blow up!"

"Like Violet Beauregard in _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_!" said Peter.

"I love that movie," said Remus. "I like looking at the chocolate."

"Who's Violet Beauregard?" James asked.

"She turns into a big, fat, blueberry!" Peter laughed.

"I hope _he_ turns into a blueberry," Sirius said hopefully.

"It'd serve him right," James nodded.

**Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache.**

"Oh, so now we know where he gets it from," said Sirius. "I wonder if he tastes like beef."

"Padfoot!" Peter scolded, but did a very poor job at this, because he started laughing.

"What? I was just wondering," continued Sirius. "Moony, why don't you bite him and tell us what he tastes like?"

"Erm, Padfoot, first of all, I don't want to, second of all, I'd be disposed of, and third of all, I can't because he's in the book," said Remus.

"Well, still…"

**Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this care_._**

James looked as if he was going to explode. "What!"

"Breathe, Prongs, breathe!" said Remus, clapping him on the back. "Harry will be alright. He's used to it. It's not nice, but he's used to it."

"But- but- but-" James kept stuttering.

**He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict.**

**"…The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately.**

"What?" Sirius yelled. "I'm an escaped convict!"

"No…I'm sure you're not," said Remus quickly. "You don't seem like an escaped convict type."

"But Moony, it's the future book!"

"Well, how many relatives do you have?" Remus asked. "It could be any one of them. It's probably your brother, Regulus, or something."

"But- but- but-" Sirius stuttered, just like James.

**"No need to tell us _he's_ no good," snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!"**

**He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon**.

"Potter family trait," James grinned. "Ruffle it, Harry, ruffle it!"

**Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed.**

"Oh no, I'm going to be a convict _and_ have bad hair?" Sirius moaned.

"There's no proof that it's you," said Peter. "I doubt it is."

"Yeah," said Remus. "What's the chance of our Padfoot becoming an escaped convict?"

"Were you asking me or the future book?" Sirius asked.

**The reporter had reappeared.**

**"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today-"**

**"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter.**

"Really?" asked Sirius. "He really barked? That fat thing? What kind of bark would he have?"

"You know, I think it was just another expression," said Remus.

"Oh… Right."

**"You didn't tell us where that that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"**

**Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window.**

"Horse-faced?" James snickered. "So now we've got a pig marrying a horse, and they had a killer whale for a son. What a lovely family!"

**Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbors.**

"Fascinating," said Peter in mock interest.

**"When will they _learn_," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"**

Sirius let out a very loud bark of laughter.

"Purple!" he laughed. "He turned purple? That is too funny!"

"Maybe _he's_ going to turn into a blueberry!" Peter said excitedly.

"Erm…guys," Remus began. "I hate to say it, but…expressions."

"Be like that," said Sirius. "Take the fun out of everything."

"I'm not taking the fun out of everything, I'm just saying that it's unlikely that Uncle Vernon is turning into a blueberry!" Remus said, crossing his arms.

"So you're taking the fun out of everything!"

"I am not taking the fun out of everything!"

"Yes you are! Fun sucker!"

"I'm not a 'fun sucker'!"

"Can we hear the rest of what blueberry-man is saying?" Peter asked.

"Oh… Yes," said Remus.

**"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner beans.**

**Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."**

**Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump.**

**"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "Sh- she's not coming here, is she?"**

**Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister. Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister), he had been forced to call her "Aunt" all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, where she bred bulldogs. She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits stood out horribly vividly in Harry's mind.**

"No!" yelled James. "Not another mean person! My poor son! First he's got these Dursleys, and now he's got this awful aunt!"

**At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statures. A few years later, she had turned up a Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry. On her last visit, the year before Harry started Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden over the tail of her favorite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight. The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.**

James looked close to tears himself. "I'm going to kill that woman!" he yelled loudly. "You can't do that to my son! This is James Christopher Potter, and let me tell you, no one gets away with doing things like that to my son!"

"So, what are you going to do?" Sirius asked.

"No idea," said James.

**"Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject" – he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry- "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."**

"Don't you threaten my son!" James shouted. "If anyone's going to threaten him, that's me! And you know what? Now that I'm dead, I _can't_ even threaten him anymore! And that does not mean that Uncle I'm-A-Big-Beefy-Purple-Pig Vernon gets to threaten him!" James turned to Sirius. "Padfoot, when I die, if Harry needs to be threatened, you can threaten him."

"Wicked," said Sirius.

**Dudley smirked and withdrew his gaze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment.**

"And we've been wanting to make _Snivellus_ miserable?" Peter asked. "In my opinion, we should go after these Dursleys."

"I can assure you all that if you ever started hexing them, I would sit there without any complaint," said Remus. "They are being absolutely horrible to Harry."

"Yes!" cheered James. "Just wait until we get you, Dursleys!"

**"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."**

**"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."**

**"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, "as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality, I don't want any- any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?"**

**"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.**

"Harry, you're such a trooper," said James fondly. "Living with those awful relatives and times like these. You're the best son."

**"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face.**

"It's proof!" said Sirius. "Moony, he _is_ turning into a blueberry! It even said that his face is purple! What have you got to say about that?"

"I say that he's not, because Harry doesn't even know how to turn people into blueberries! _We_ don't even know how to turn people into blueberries!" said Remus.

"Fun sucker," Sirius muttered.

**"We've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys."**

**"What?" Harry yelled_._**

"What?" James shouted.

**"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or they'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon.**

**Harry sat there, white-faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a week long visit- it was the worst birthday present the Dursley's had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.**

"Oh, that's it!" said James, standing up and pointing at the book. "Harry, you _turn_ your Uncle into a blueberry if you want to! Your father completely approves!"

**"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"**

**"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.**

**"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's thick blonde hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie."**

"Oh, I think it's too late for bow ties," said Sirius. "Dudley is too stupid for a bowtie to make him smart. Not to mention, he's blonde."

"Hey!" said Peter angrily. "I'm blonde!"

**Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.**

**"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.**

**Harry, who had been sitting in a kind of horrified trance, had a sudden idea. Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.**

**Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.**

**"I'm not taking _you_," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him.**

"Why would my son _want_ to go with you?" said James huffily. "Why would anyone want to _sit in a car_ with you? Why would anyone _want to live _with you? Why would anyone want to _have-_"

"Shhh!" said Remus. "Don't go on, Prongs. We really don't want to hear it."

"Sorry, sorry."

**"Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."**

**Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.**

**"Third years at Hog- at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.**

**"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.**

**"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.**

**"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon_._**

"BECAUSE HIS FATHER SAID SO!" screamed James. "That's why!"

**"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I got to that St. Whatsits-"**

**"St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was please to hear a definite not of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.**

**"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face.**

"Moony, all the signs point to him being a giant, human, blueberry!" Sirius said, exasperated.

**"It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"**

**"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?" roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised.**

"No, you won't!" James yelled at the book. "Vernon, I'm going to knock the stuffing out of _you_!"

**But Harry stood his ground_._**

"Good, Harry!" James said. "Don't let the mean pig get to you!"

"_Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly._

**Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.**

**"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug- like I'm normal and everything."**

**Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.**

**"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."**

**He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass fell out.**

"Wow," said Peter. "I think someone needs some anger management."

"CoughUncleVernoncough!" added Sirius.

**Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework. Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered; he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.**

Remus sighed as well. "I really hope he gets his form signed," he said. "He's going to have a miserable time, I bet."

**"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're going to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" –Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful- "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione."**

**Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe_._**

James looked sad. "What my son does to go to Hogsmeade with his friends," he said. "But he's a Potter. He'll make it. Potters are strong!" He raised his arm and flaunted his muscle.

"Shut up," said Sirius, pushing James' arm down. "Stop talking about how great a Quidditch player you are."

"I wasn't," said James.

"But you were really close."

**But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.**

**"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.**

**Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be_._**

"Oh yes, people who love to criticize others," said Remus dully. "Doesn't she sound fun?"

"Extremely," said Peter in the same tone.

**All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.**

**"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.**

"Ay!" James. "He's not your doorman! If you want a doorman, go to a hotel!"

**A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.**

**On the threshold stood Aunt Marge. She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple faced, she even had a mustache, though not as bushy as his.**

"Hey, look, another blueberry!" said Sirius brightly.

**In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.**

**"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffypoo?"**

**Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins.**

"You know what, Prongs. The pig and the horse didn't just have killer whale for a son," Sirius said.

"What did they have?" James asked.

"A killer penguin!" Sirius laughed, as did James and Peter.

Remus didn't laugh, just blinked. "A killer penguin?"

"Yeah!" said Sirius. "You know! He was waddling! That's what penguins do, they waddle! And he's like a killer whale, so he's a killer penguin! Get it? Isn't that funny?"

"Um…not really."

"Want to hear a werewolf joke?"

"No!"

"Just asking. Thought you might think one of those were funnier."

**Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him, seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.**

**Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist_._**

"Brat," stated Peter.

"Where's Harry's money?" James demanded. "Well that's fine, Marge, keep your stinky money, Harry doesn't want it anyway! He's got my money! And Lily's money! Which means, our money! And that's better than yours any day! Ha!"

**"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat stand.**

"My son is _not_ a hat stand!" said James angrily.

"Prongs, it was another expression. Not a very nice one, but it was," said Remus.

"Hat stand!" James angrily repeated to no one in particular.

**Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed, or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone.**

**Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.**

**"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"**

**"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase.**

"What a disgusting dog," said Sirius. "He's going to get his germs all over. Slobbery bulldog."

"You know, _you_ can become a dog," said Peter. "And dogs sniff people's butts."

"Be quiet, ratboy!"

**But Harry wasn't complaining; any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.**

**By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake, and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner. Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor.**

"He's an insult to dogs everywhere!" Sirius whined.

"But you're not really a dog, you know," said Remus. "You can just become one."

"He's still insulting me," said Sirius.

**Aunt Petunia hated animals.**

"Okay," said Peter. "Let's go ruin her house!"

"Yeah!" said James. "Feel the fury of the stag, rat, dog, and werewolf, for being so mean to my son! We will tear your house apart! We will- wait, Moony, would you be offended if I said something?"

"Like what?" Remus asked.

"That we will huff, and puff, and blow their house down!"

"Er, yes, I'm slightly offended, but I'll not get angry with you," said Remus.

"Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?" Uncle Vernon asked.

**"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."**

"Idiot dog," Sirius commented.

**Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.**

**"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"**

**"Yes," said Harry.**

**"Don't you say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."**

"I bet he'd rather live at an orphanage that with you or the Dursleys," James retorted to the book.

**Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather live in an orphanage than with the Dursleys, but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him.**

"Like father, like son," James said fondly.

**He forced his face into a painful smile.**

**"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you."**

"From what we've heard, I'm assuming neither have you," said James.

"From what we've heard, I'm assuming that you love to make people miserable," said Remus.

"From what we've heard, I'm assuming all of your dogs are idiots," said Sirius.

"From what we've heard, I'm assuming that you haven't looked into going on a diet," said Peter.

**"I hoped school would knock some manners into you." She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache, and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"**

**"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."**

"Why don't you go there, Vernon?" asked James.

**"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.**

"You know," said Sirius, "I think she spends too much time with those dogs of hers. It says that she's barking again- yes, Moony, I'm aware that it's an expression!" he added, as Remus had opened his mouth.

**"Er-"**

**Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.**

**"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "all the time."**

**"Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it."**

"But Aunt Marge," said Peter, "what are you talking about? You and the Dursleys have needed to be hit for the longest time!"

**"A good thrashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. Have you been beaten often?"**

**"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."**

**Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.**

**"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case."**

"And in Aunt Marge's case, I without a doubt approve the use of heavy duty, super bonkers, extreme, gonna-knock-your-socks off, bloody force," said James.

**Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.**

**"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"**

**As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her. **

"Well, who wouldn't?" Remus asked.

"I can't wait until she leaves," said James.

**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement. She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley, and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents while glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too. She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.**

James looked ready to strangle someone. His hands were already furiously twisting the bottom of his shirt. "I'm gonna kill her!" he yelled. "Just wait! Just wait!"

"Prongs!" said Sirius, noticing what James was doing. "Stop! At this rate, you're going to kill your shirt first."

"She can't do that to my son!" James said. "Get revenge, Harry, get revenge! Take off her pants or something!"

"**You musn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon, she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."**

"Oh," said Peter in mock conception. "Now I get it!"

"So _that's_ why she's still such a horrible person!" said Remus in fake comprehension.

**Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. Remember the form, he told himself. Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise-**

**Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.**

**"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, they'll be something wrong with the pup-"**

"EXCUSE ME!" James roared at the book. "HOW DARE YOU COMPARE BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS LILY EVANS TO A DOG!"

"Hey, now you're insulting me!" said Sirius.

"I'm not talking about _you_ as a dog!" said James, still angry. "First she insults my kid, now she insults my wife! She can't do this!"

**At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping.**

**"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you alright?"**

**"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip…"**

"Damn!" said James. "Why couldn't one of those wineglass shards tear up her ugly face? Or hit her eye, and then she would be doing us a favor and dying."

**But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could.**

**Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake- if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.**

"Oh no! Not my son in trouble with the Ministry!" said James. "He can't! I hate this chapter! I can't take it anymore! Moony, skip it!"

"No, I can't," said Remus. "You can't just _skip parts of a book_. There could be something in here crucial to our understanding later. Every page has something to say."

"Uh…yeah. What he said," said Peter. "Anyway, I want to hear the rest of the story."

"Alright, fine. I just hate her!" said James.

**Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn't exactly clean either. Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.**

"What?" James asked. "Why has my son been doing magic? Oh well, if it was against those Dursleys, then I really don't care. But you can't expel my son!"

**He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.**

**Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare whenever Aunt Marge started on him. This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.**

"My son is _not_ subnormal!" complained James.

**At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived.**

"Yes!" Sirius cheered. "No more Aunt Marge!"

"Conga line!" shouted James.

Sirius and James jumped up and began congaing around the room. "Da da da da da, da! Da da da da da, da!"

Peter tilted his head side to side at James and Sirius' da da das, and Remus had to cover his face with the book, because he had started laughing at them all so hard.

**Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine. They got all the way through the soup and the salmon without a single mention of Harry's faults; during the lemon meringue pie, Uncle Vernon bored them all with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company; then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.**

**"Can I tempt you, Marge?"**

**Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red.**

"Maybe she'll get so drunk that she'll kill herself," said Peter hopefully.

"Maybe," said Sirius. "But I don't know."

"Really!" said Peter. "I learned it in Muggle school."

"I learned in a book," said Remus, "that people who consume too much alcohol are severely damaging their livers, and they can die from that."

"I wonder how much her liver has already been damaged?" James said.

**"Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that…and a bit more…that's the ticket."**

**Dudley was eating his forth slice of pie. Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger out.**

"Like that's going to make her any more appealing," said Sirius.

Peter, who had been eating some of the chocolate with his own little finger sticking out, quickly put it down.

**Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.**

**"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down.**

"What? She finished it that fast?" asked Peter. "Drunken pig."

**"Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after…" She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley. "You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father. Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon…"**

"Proper-sized?" Sirius snorted. "That's not proper-sized."

"Maybe she was thinking about the proper weights of young killer whales," Remus suggested.

**"Now this one here-"**

**She jerked her head at Harry, who felt his stomach clench. The Handbook, he thought quickly.**

**"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred."**

Sirius gasped. "You can't do that!"

**Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.**

**"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia" –she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one- "but your sister was a bad egg."**

"Lily Evans is NOT a bad egg!" retorted James furiously. "She's beautiful and gorgeous and firm and…wow. I actually don't know too much about her personality. Moony, what's she like?"

"Well…" said Remus slowly. "Lily doesn't really like people who make others miserable. She's very kind. And very smart too. She has this way of seeing something in you, something wonderful, even if you can't-"

"Moony!" said James, astounded. "What are you, stealing my girl?"

"No, no!" said Remus quickly. "I'm just good friends with her. Not as good as with you guys, of course."

"Alright. Good."

**"They turn up in the best of families. Then she-"**

Remus stopped. "Prongs, you're going to get angry by these next lines. I'm sorry."

**"Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us."**

"I'M NOT A WASTREL!"

**Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.**

**"This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"**

**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley hadn't even looked up from his pie to gape at his parents. **

**"He- didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. "Unemployed."**

"What? I'm not unemployed! At least, I don't think I will be! Nah, I can't be! Don't you say I'm unemployed!" James cried firmly.

**"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who-"**

**"He was not," said Harry suddenly.**

"That's right, Harry!" said James. "Defend your father! Don't believe her!"

**The table suddenly went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life.**

**"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white. He emptied the bottle into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on-"**

**"No, Vernon," hiccupped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect)-"**

**"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.**

"That's right!" said James. "You tell her, Harry!"

**"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury. "You are an insolent, ungrateful little-"**

"You can't talk about my son like that!"

**But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger- but the swelling didn't stop. Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech- next second, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls- she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami-**

"EXPLOSIONS!" yelled Peter.

"HUMAN BLUEBERRIES!" shouted Sirius.

"FIERY, VIRULENT ANGER!" yelled Remus.

"THE BEST SON IN THE WORLD!" bellowed James.

**"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling. She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises.**

"Moony! I told you! Someone _did_ turn into a blueberry! Okay, so not really a blueberry exactly, but she blew up!" said Sirius happily.

"Fine. You were right. You win," said Remus.

"Yes!" said Sirius. He high-fived Peter. "I have to watch that Willy Wonka movie with you. We can rename that Violet Beauregard 'Marge'.

**Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.**

**"NOOOOOOO!"**

**Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.**

"Ha!" said Peter. "You get what you deserve!"

**Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him, heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it. In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door. He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard, and grabbed the pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage, and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.**

"Ha!" said Peter again. "It's too bad that dog didn't kill you."

**"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"**

**But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.**

**"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast. She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."**

"That's right!" said James. "You keep away from my son!"

**He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.**

**"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."**

**And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm.**

"Wow," said Sirius. "Prongs, your son really does take after you."

"My son!" said James, grinning broadly. "I love him! It's such a shame that I have to die. Just think of the possibilities! We would prank together! Scheme together! It would be amazing! He _told_ that aunt! Ha!"

James seemed entirely too enthusiastic for words anymore.

"Next chapter!" said Peter. "This is great! We have to read more!"

"I want to see more brilliant things my son does!" said James.

"Yeah, Moony. Read on!"

"And so, on we go to chapter three," said Remus, flicking his eyes to the beginning of the next chapter.

A chapter in which the story would truly get started, and someone would be very unhappy with his future.


	3. Chapter 3

"_Chapter Three_," began Remus. "_The Knight Bus_."

"Ahhhh!" shrieked Peter. "No! No! Not _the Knight Bus!_ Ahhh!"

"Wormtail, what are you yelling about?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, why are you so scared of the Knight Bus?" said James.

"I'll tell you!" said Peter. "And I have good reason to be afraid!"

"Fine, tell us," said Sirius.

"It was a dark and stormy day," began Peter dramatically.

Remus raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, fine! It was a bright and sunny day!" Peter admitted. "But it sounds better when I say it was dark and stormy!"

"Well, anyway, Wormtail, don't lie in your story. It's not very interesting or good when you lie," said Remus.

"Right," Peter continued. "So it was a _bright_ and _sunny_ day a few years ago, and I was on the Knight Bus. And the bus was making me feel sick because whoever drives that bus doesn't drive it too well. And I was on the second level. And then they turned a corner and I…I…I fell down the stairs to the first level and smacked my head!"

"Ow," said James. "I always thought something had hit you on the head."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, but you know, that story was kind of boring," said Sirius.

"Can we find out what happens to my son now?" asked James.

"Yes," said Remus. "_Chapter Three. The_-"

"Don't say it!"

"-_Knight Bus_."

"Ahhh!"

**Harry was several streets away before he collapsed onto a low wall in Magnolia Crescent, panting from the effort of dragging his trunk. He sat quite still, anger surging through him, listening to the frantic thumping of his heart.**

"Ahhh!" shrieked James. "My son is having a heart attack!"

"No he's not," said Remus. "He's just really angry. And when a person is really angry their heart beats really fast. Trust me, I know."

"When have you been really angry?" asked Peter.

"When do you think?"

"Oh…"

**But after ten minutes alone in the dark street, a new emotion overtook him: panic. Whichever way he looked at it, he had never been in a worse fix. He was stranded, quite alone, in the dark Muggle world, with absolutely nowhere to go.**

"No! My son cannot be all alone! He has to find somewhere!" said James.

**And the worst of it was, he had just done serious magic-**

"Heh, what kind of 'Sirius' magic?" James teased.

"Don't start the name pun again!" Sirius told him.

"That darn serious Sirius," mocked James.

Sirius shoved him. "Stop it!"

**-which meant that he was almost certainly expelled from Hogwarts. He had broken the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry so badly, he was surprised Ministry of Magic Representatives weren't swooping down on him where he sat.**

**Harry shivered and looked up and down Magnolia Crescent. What was going to happen to him? Would he be arrested, or would he simply be outlawed from the wizarding world?**

"He can't!" said James angrily. "You can't do that to my son!"

**He thought of Ron and Hermione, and his heart sank even lower. Harry was sure that criminal or not, Ron and Hermione would want to help him now, but they were both abroad, and with Hedwig gone, he had no means of contacting them.**

"This is even worse!" said James. "Not only are they making my son a criminal, but now he's a _lonely_ criminal!"

**He didn't have any Muggle money, either. There was a little wizard gold in the moneybag at the bottom of his trunk, but the rest of the fortune his parents had left him was stored in a vault at Gringotts Wizarding Bank in London.**

"Fortune?" asked James. "Yes! Lily and I still have a fortune for Harry, and so even though we've died, we still have enough money for him to take care of himself. Hmm…do you guys think we should tell Lily that she's going to die?"

"Maybe," said Peter.

"Well," said Remus. "If you tell Lily that she's going to die, she's most likely going to ask why. When you mention that it's because Voldemort kills you and her and that she sacrifices herself for Harry, she's going to ask who Harry is and why Voldemort killed you and her. Then she'll find out that you are going to marry her and you two will have a son named Harry. She might start laughing and regard the whole thing as a joke."

"Wow," said James. "You know her _that_ well?"

"Er, well I'm pretty sure that's what would happen."

"I really need to start being friends with Lily. If only she'd stop slapping me…"

**Unless…**

**He looked down at his wand, which he was still clutching in his hand. If he was already expelled (his heart was now thumping painfully fast), a bit more magic couldn't hurt. He-**

Remus stopped. "Hey Prongs, look what else your son has!"

"What?"

**He had the Invisibility Cloak he had inherited from his father.**

"Harry has the Invisibility Cloak? Good! I have no idea how he got it, but at least he has it!"

"Sounds like he's turning out the way you would have raised him!" said Sirius.

"Such a good mischief maker!" prided James.

**What if he bewitched the trunk to make it feather-light, tied it to his broomstick, covered himself in the cloak, and flew to London? Then he could get the rest of his money out of his vault and…begin his life as an outcast. It was a horrible prospect, but he couldn't sit on this wall forever, or he'd find himself trying to explain to Muggle police why he was out in the dead of night with a trunkful of spellbooks and a broomstick.**

"Oh no!" cried James. "My son is going to be an outcast! That's a bad life choice, Harry! What are you going to do now that you're an outcast? I don't want to read a book about my son being an outcast!"

**Harry opened his trunk again and pushed the contents aside looking for the Invisibility Cloak- but before he had found it, he straightened up suddenly, looking around him once more.**

**A funny prickling on the back of his neck had made Harry feel like he was being watched-**

"Oh my God!" said Peter. "He knows that we're watching him as we read this book!"

"Don't be stupid," said Sirius. "This book was already written. He can't know that we're watching him… Right?"

"No, I don't think so," Remus said. "It must be something else."

**- but the street appeared to be deserted, and no lights shone from any of the large square houses.**

**He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his wand. He had sensed rather than heard it: someone or something was standing in the narrow gap between the garage and the fence behind him.**

"Hmm…" said Sirius. "Prongs, do you think your son has dog senses? I mean, he sensed someone."

"Maybe Harry is an Animagus!" said James. "That'd be cool!"

"But… you know… He'd have to be registered and everything. Unless he was an unregistered Animagus…" said Remus, grinning ominously at his friends.

"Yeah!" said James.

"But I think the book would have mentioned it," Remus told them.

"I guess so."

**Harry squinted at the black alleyway. If only it would move, then he'd know whether it was just a stray cat or- something else.**

**"Lumos," Harry muttered, and a light appeared at the end of his wand, almost dazzling him. He held it high over his head, and the pebble-dashed walls of number two suddenly sparkled; the garage door gleamed, and between them Harry saw, quite distinctly, the hulking outline of something very big, with wide, gleaming eyes.**

"Ack!" said James. "My son is going to be attacked by some sort of monster!"

**Harry stepped backward. His legs hit his trunk and he tripped. His wand flew out of his hand as he flung out an arm to break his fall, and he landed, hard, in the gutter-**

"Ow, that must have hurt!" said Peter.

"I know!" said Sirius. "His mind will never be the same!"

"What are you talking about?" James asked. "His brain didn't hit the gutter, his butt did!"

"Wait… Oh, that gutter?" said Sirius. "You mean they weren't talking about-?"

"No, not _that_ kind of gutter!" Remus said quickly, realizing what Sirius was talking about. "No need to say that _your_ mind has fallen down the gutter if you're mistaking ordinary street gutters for _those_ kind of gutters."

"You really do suck the fun out of everything."

**There was a deafening BANG, and Harry threw up his hands to shield his eyes against a sudden blinding light-**

**With a yell, he rolled back onto the pavement, just in time.**

"Yeah, because we don't want to see any road kill," said Sirius.

James glared at him.

"What?" asked Sirius innocently. "I was just saying! He could have inherited your stag-ness you know. You know, cars come and-" He put on a expression of wide-eyed dopiness. "And then they die."

"Hey, I don't do that!" James said, crossing his arms. "Since when have we come across cars during the night anyway?"

"Well…we haven't, but when we do…"

**A second later, a gigantic pair of wheels and headlights screeched to halt exactly where Harry had just been lying. They belonged, as Harry saw when he raised his head, to a triple-decked, violently purple bus, which had appeared out of thin air. Gold lettering of the windshield spelled The Knight Bus.**

"No!" cried Peter.

**For a split second, Harry wondered if he had been knocked silly by his fall. Then a conductor in a purple uniform leapt out of the bus and began to speak loudly to the night.**

**"Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor this eve-"**

**The conductor stopped abruptly_._**

"Maybe a car is coming and he's stopped to look at it and we'll see road kill!" said Sirius.

"Padfoot!" said Remus loudly.

"Sorry, sorry…"

**He had just caught sight of Harry, who was still sitting on the ground. Harry snatched up his wand again and scrambled to his feet. Close up, he saw that Stan Shunpike was only a few years older than he was, eighteen or nineteen at most, with large protruding ears and quite a few pimples.**

**"What were you doin' down there?" said Stan, dropping his professional matter.**

"See, isn't it always like that?" said Peter. "People talk all nice to make people think that they're what they're not."

"Yeah," added Remus. "I don't fancy that too much."

"Works nice on girls though," Sirius commented. "Teachers too."

**"Fell over," said Harry.**

**"'Choo fall over for?" sniggered Stan.**

**"I didn't do it on purpose," said Harry, annoyed.**

"Yeah, that's right!" James said. "My son has the right to fall when he feels like it or not!"

**One of the knees in his jeans was torn, and the hand he had thrown out to break his fall was bleeding. He suddenly remembered why he had fallen over and turned around quickly to stare at the alleyway between the garage and the fence. The Knight Bus's headlamps were flooding it with light, and it was empty.**

**"'Choo lookin' at?" said Stan.**

"Hey! My son has the right to look at whatever he feels like looking at! Don't ask him why!"

**"There was a big black thing," said Harry, pointing uncertainly into the gap. "Like a dog…but massive…"**

**He looked around at Stan, whose mouth was slightly open. With a feeling of unease, Harry saw Stan's eyes move to the scar on Harry's forehead.**

**"Woss that on you 'ead?" said Stan abruptly.**

"Well, that's a stupid question," said James. "It could be talking about anything!"

"Yeah! There's lots of things on people's heads," said Peter.

"Like eyes," said James.

"And ears," added Sirius.

"And mouths" said James.

"And noses," said Sirius, grinning at James. James grinned back. They were obviously thinking the same thing.

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes!"

This sent Sirius and James into laughter, as Peter and Remus rolled their eyes at them.

"Well then," said Remus. "Now that you two have finally learned the names of your body parts, do you mind if I continue reading?"

"Oh, yeah, not at all."

"Go on."

**"Nothing," said Harry quickly, flattening his hair over his scar. If the Ministry of Magic was looking for him, he didn't want to make it too easy for them.**

**"Woss your name?" Stan persisted.**

**"Neville Longbottom," said Harry, saying the first name that came into his head. "So- so this bus," he went on quickly, hoping to distract Stan, "did you say it goes anywhere?"**

**"Yep," said Stan proudly, "anywhere you like, long's it's on land. Can't do nuffink underwater. 'Ere," he said, looking suspicious again, "you did flag us down, dincha? Stuck out your wand 'and, dincha?"**

"You know what, Moony," said Peter. "You sound really stupid doing that accent."

"Yeah, you do," said Sirius. "It's not a good accent for you. Don't ever do it again unless you're reading things that Stan Shunpike says."

"'Choo don't want me to speak like this ever again? Nuffink, not even one little word 'ere and there?" Remus asked, doing the accent.

"No!" said James.

"Right, okay," said Remus, laughing. "But too bad, because he's going to start talking again."

**"Yes," said Harry quickly. "Listen, how much would it be to get to London?"**

**"Eleven Sickles," said Stan, "But for firteen you get 'ot chocolate, and for fifteen you get an 'ot water bottle an' a toofbrush in the color of your choice.**_"_

Peter started nodding. "Yep, don't ever speak like that in your own free will."

**Harry rummaged once more in his trunk, extracted his moneybag, and shoved some gold into Stan's hand. He and Stan then lifted his trunk, with Hedwig's cage balanced on top, up the steps of the bus.**

**There were no seats; instead, half a dozen brass besteads stood beside the curtained windows. Candles were burning in brackets beside each bed, illuminating the wood-paneled walls. A tiny wizard in a nightcap at the rear of the bus muttered, "Not now, thanks, I'm pickling some slugs" and rolled over in his sleep.**

Sirius began laughing at the wizard. "Ha, pickling slugs!"

**"You 'ave this one," Stan whispered, shoving Harry's trunk under the bed right behind the driver, who was sitting in an armchair in front of the steering wheel. "This is our driver, Ernie Prang."**

"What?" James asked. "Ernie _Prong_?"

"No, Ernie _Prang_," said Sirius.

**"This is Neville Longbottom, Ern."**

**Ernie Prang, an elderly wizard wearing very thick glasses, nodded to Harry, who nervously flattened his bangs again and sat down on his bed.**

**"Take 'er away, Ern," said Stan, sitting down in the armchair next to Ernie's.**

**There was another tremendous BANG, and the next moment Harry found himself flat on his bed, thrown backward by the speed of the Knight Bus.**

"See, I told you it's an evil bus!" said Peter. "You're lucky that Harry is on the first level!"

**Pulling himself up, Harry stared out of the dark window and saw that they were now bowling along a completely different street. Stan was watching Harry's stunned face with great enjoyment.**

**"This is where we was before you flagged us down," he said, "Where are we, Ern? Somewhere in Wales?"**

**"Ar," said Ernie.**

"Wicked!" said Sirius. "He's a pirate!"

"Don't be daft, he's not a pirate, it just said he was the bus driver!" said Remus.

"He could be a pirate in his spare time," Sirius pointed out. "Like his second job. Or his," he paused for a dramatic effect, "secret identity!"

"I really think that _you_ were the one who got smacked on the head," said Remus, shaking his head, and looking back at the book.

"No, really, it could happen! You know, like…Secret Pirate Man!"

"Secret _what_?"

"He's a Secret Pirate Man!"

"We should make up a theme song!" suggested James.

"Yeah!"

**"How come the Muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry.**

**"Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."**

**"Best go wake up Madam Marsh, Stan," said Ern. "We'll be in Abergavenny in a minute."**

**Stan passed Harry's bed and disappeared up a narrow wooden staircase.**

"The staircase of doom!" added Peter.

**Harry was still looking out of the window, feeling increasingly nervous. Ernie didn't seem to have mastered the use of a steering wheel. The Knight Bus kept mounting the pavement, but it didn't hit anything; lines of lampposts, mailboxes, and trash cans jumped out of its way as it approached and back into position once it had passed.**

"Oh, so _that's_ why there hasn't been any road kill!" said Sirius.

**Stan came back downstairs, followed by a faintly green witch wrapped in a traveling cloak.**

**"'Ere you go, Madam Marsh," said Stan happily as Ern stamped on the brake and the beds slid a foot or two toward the front of the bus.**

"You see?" said Peter. "Do you see why I'm afraid?"

"Sort of," said James. "But it makes an awesome ride."

**Madam Marsh clamped a handkerchief to her mouth and tottered down the steps. Stan threw he bag out after he and rammed the doors shut; there was another loud BANG, and they were thundering down a narrow country lane, trees leaping out of the way.**

**Harry wouldn't have been able to sleep even if he had been traveling on a bus that didn't keep banging loudly and jumping a hundred miles at a time. His stomach churned as he fell back to wondering what was going to happen to him, and whether the Dursleys had managed to get Aunt Marge off the ceiling yet.**

"I hope not," said James eagerly.

"Yeah, but Prongs, you know what that means, don't you?" asked Remus.

"What?" said James.

"It means that Harry would be in even more trouble that he already is. I mean, assuming that he's in any."

James was silent for a few seconds as he thought about this. "I hope Aunt Marge got off the ceiling!"

**Stan had unfurled a copy of the Daily Prophet and was now reading with his tongue between his teeth. A large photograph of a sunken-faced man with long, matted hair blinked slowly at Harry from the front page.**

"Ergh, he sounds ugly," said Sirius.

**He looked strangely familiar.**

**"That man!" Harry said, forgetting his troubles for a moment. "He was on the Muggle news!"**

**Stanley turned to the front page and chuckled.**

**"S- "**

"-Um, guys," Remus said, interrupting himself. "Are you sure…Um, do you want to take a break from reading now?"

"No," said Peter. "This book is fun. Keep reading!"

"Erm, I don't know if we should."

"Fine then, I'll read it aloud for us instead," Sirius offered.

"No, no! I…I think it's better if I just do it. So…"

**Sirius Black," he said, nodding. "'Course 'e was on the Muggle news, Neville, where you been?"**

"What!" Sirius shouted. "Wait… That's ME?"

"Erm…I think so," said Remus.

"No!" said Sirius. "I can't be… be …ugly!"

James snorted with laughter.

"Ay! You shut up! I don't see you here! Oh wait. You're dead!"

**He gave a superior sort of chuckle at the blank look on Harry's face, removed the front page, and handed it to Harry.**

**"You oughta read the papers more, Neville."**

**Harry held the paper up to the candle light and read:**

But Remus didn't read on. "Are you sure you want to hear the article?" he asked them all.

"I guess so," Sirius grumbled.

**_BLACK STILL AT LARGE_**

**_Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today. "We are doing all we can to recapture Black," said the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, this morning, "and we beg the magical community to remain calm." Fudge has been criticized by some of the members of the International Federation of Warlocks for informing the Muggle Prime Minister of the crisis. "Well, really, I had to, don't you know," said irritable Fudge. "Black is mad. He's a danger to anyone who crosses him, magic or Muggle. I have the Prime Minister's assurance that he will not breathe a word of Black's true identity to anyone. And let's face it- who'd believe him if he did?" While Muggles have been told that Black is carrying a gun (a kind of mental wand that Muggles use to kill each other), the magical community lives in fear of a massacre like that of twelve years ago, when Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse._**

"Er…so…that's that…" said Remus mildly; not being able to believe what he had just read aloud.

"Wait, wait, stop! I've WHAT? I KILLED people? I went to AZKABAN? I ESCAPED? I'm ON THE RUN?" Sirius yelled. "What the hell is wrong with my future self?"

"Padfoot!" Peter gasped. "You murdered people! I can't believe you did that!"

"Shut up, ratboy!" Sirius snarled. "I don't see you as the murderer here!"

James seemed at a loss for words. He couldn't think of anything to say about the fact that his best friend became a murderer who escaped from Azkaban.

**Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black, the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive. Harry had never met a vampire, but he had seen picture of them in his Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.**

"PRONGS!" Sirius bellowed. "Your son just called me a VAMPIRE! I'm not a VAMPIRE! Go control that son of yours!"

"Well, if you've noticed," said James. "I CAN'T. I'm DEAD, remember?"

"Fine… well …still!"

"Go tell Moony to make Harry behave."

"MOONY!" said Sirius. "Your friend's son just called me a VAMPIRE! Control that son of your friend's! Moony, just read the next page already!"

**"Scary lookin' fing, inee?" said Stan, who had been watching Harry read.**

**"He murdered thirteen people?" said Harry, handing the page back to Stan. "with one curse?"**

"Oh LOOK!" screeched Sirius. "Now your son is rubbing it in! Thanks a lot, Harry!"

**"Yep," said Stan, "in front of witnesses an' all. Broad daylight. Big troubled it caused, dinnit, Ern?"**

**"Ar," said Ern darkly.**

"Um," James asked Sirius quietly. "Want to make the Secret Pirate Man song?"

"No!"

"Okay. Just asking."

**Stan swiveled in his armchair, his hands on the back, the better to look at Harry.**

Remus stopped reading again, glancing at the next few words. "You know, I don't think we should keep reading this."

"MOONY, IF YOU DON'T KEEP READING THAT FUTURE BOOK, THEN DURING THE NEXT FULL MOON I WILL MAKE YOUR TRANSFORMATION THE WORST IT'S EVER BEEN!" Sirius yelled. "Stupid werewolves, think they can control everyone just because they turn into bloodthirsty beasts every month…"

"PADFOOT, WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT?" Remus suddenly roared, taking them all by surprise. "YOU THINK I NEED A REMINDER OF WHAT I COULD DO EVERY MONTH? I DON'T LIKE THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM CAPABLE OF SEVERELY INJURING OR MURDERING SOMEONE!"

"YEAH, WELL I ALREADY DID MURDER PEOPLE, SO WHAT ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ABOUT MURDERING FOR!" Sirius shouted.

"ALWAYS WITH THE WEREWOLF STUFF! THE WEREWOLF JOKES, THE WEREWOLF COMMENTS! CAN'T YOU EVER STOP MAKING SNIDE ANNOTATIONS ABOUT THAT!"

"I TURN OUT TO BE THIS MURDERER, AND ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOU, YOU, YOU! DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT I'M A MURDERER NOW? NO, YOU DON'T! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOU AND YOUR STUPID WEREWOLF SELF!"

"Guys, GUYS!" James yelled at them. "Will you shut up and stop arguing?"

"Prongs, he doesn't stop making comments about my condition! He thinks it's some huge, hilarious joke!" said Remus stiffly.

"Well, Moony thinks that it's just some walk in the park about my future! Does he care that his friend is this murderer? No!" said Sirius angrily.

"Children…" said Peter.

"I'm not a child!" said Sirius. "I'm a MURDERER, Wormtail, MURDERER! As Moony is only too kind to not care about!"

"I don't even qualify as a child!" said Remus. "Half the time I get shunted over into the 'Beast' Classification!"

"Moony!" said James, picking up the book from the ground and throwing the book at him. "Now sit down and read! Padfoot, sit down and shut up!"

Sirius only sat down because James was one of the only people for whom he would obey. Remus sat down because he really didn't want to start talking about himself being a werewolf.

"Okay then," said James. "Now, since we're all GOOD, APPRECIATIVE FRIENDS, you two are going to apologize."

"What is this, pre-school?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Murderers don't do well in pre-school."

Sirius was still very uptight about the murderer thing, but Remus figured he might as well try and let the werewolf comments go and forgive him. It wasn't like he had found out that he himself was a murderer. He wasn't even in the story.

Not yet, anyway.

"Sorry, Padfoot," said Remus. "But will you just stop it with the werewolf comments?"

"Well, I guess I might as well do one decent thing before I murder a bunch of people," said Sirius. "Sorry, Moony."

"Now…" said Peter slowly. "Can we start reading again?"

"Yeah," said Remus.

**"Black woz a big supporter of You-Know-Who," he said.**

"I'm a WHAT!"

**"What, Voldemort?" said Harry, without thinking.**

"_What?"_ said James. "First, he kills Lily and me, and then he has to go and terrorize the whole wizarding world! Now… He hasn't done anything yet to us, but... Well… We all have heard of him, and if he's doing anything else mess up my son's life… then…" He shook his head, unable to figure out whatever he was going to end his sentence with.

**Even Stan's pimples went white; Ern jerked the steering wheel so hard that a whole farmhouse had to jump aside to avoid the bus.**

**"You outta your tree?" yelped Stan. "'Choo say 'is name for?"**

**"Sorry," said Harry hastily. "Sorry, I- I forgot-"**

**"Forgot!" said Stan weakly. "Blimey, my 'earts goin' that fast…"**

**"So- so Black was a supporter of You-Know-Who?" Harry prompted apologetically_._**

Sirius grumbled irritably.

**"Yeah," said Stan, still rubbing his chest. "Yeah, that's right. Very close to You-Know-'Oo, they say. Anyway, when little 'Arry Potter got the better of You-Know-'Oo-"**

**Harry nervously flattened his bangs down again.**

**"-all You-Know-'Oo's supporters was tracked down, wasn't they, Ern? Most of 'em knew it was all over, wiv You-Know-'Oo gone, and they came quiet. But not Sirius Black. I 'eard he thought 'e'd be second-in-command once You-Know-'Oo 'ad taken over."**

Peter gasped, Remus made a nervous face as he looked at the next few sentences he had to read, and James looked tentatively over at Sirius, who was oddly quiet.

**"Anyway, they cornered Black in the middle of a street full of Muggles an' Black took out 'is wand and 'e blasted 'alf the street apart, an' a wizard got it, an' so did a dozen Muggles what got in the way. 'Orrible, eh? An' you know what Black did then?" Stan continued in a dramatic whisper.**

Sirius was now staring wide-eyed at the book.

**"Laughed," said Stan. "Jus' stood there an' laughed. An' when reinforcements from the Ministry of Magic got there, 'e went wiv 'em quiet as anyfink, still laughing 'is 'ead off. 'Cos 'e's mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?"**

**"If he weren't when he went to Azkaban, he will be now," said Ern in his slow voice. "I'd blow meself up before I set foot in that place. Serves him right, mind you…after what he did…"**

Now, Sirius was staring at the book in a sort of horrified trance.

**"They 'ad a job coverin' it up, din' they, Ern?" Stan said. "'Ole street blown up an' all them Muggles dead. What was it they said 'ad 'appened, Ern?"**

**"Gas explosion," grunted Ernie.**

**"An' now 'e's out," said Stan, examining the newspaper picture of Black's gaunt face again. "Never been a breakout from Azkaban before, 'as there, Ern? Beats me 'ow 'e did it. Frightenin', eh? Mind, I don't fancy 'is chances against them Azkaban guards, eh, Ern?"**

**Ernie suddenly shivered.**

**"Talk about summat else, Stan, there's a good lad. Them Azkaban guards give me the collywobbles."**

**Stan put the paper away reluctantly, and Harry leaned against the window of the Knight Bus, feeling worse than ever.**

Remus stopped reading and looked up from the book. "So…Padfoot… Seems like that's it..."

"I don't believe it," said Peter.

Sirius didn't say anything. His face was frozen in a horrified look at the book.

"Um, Padfoot, are you okay?" James asked.

Sirius suddenly began laughing oddly.

"Me? Oh, yeah, I'm fine! Heh heh heh. Don't worry yourself, Prongs. I'm great! Moony, could you just hold off on your reading for a second? I'll be right back…" Sirius stood up and walked to the door, exited, and shut the door behind him.

"!**"**

A second later, the door reopened, and Sirius came back in, smiling unnaturally. "All good! So, Moony, where were we again?"

There was a moment of tense silence between Remus, James and Peter as they all looked at each other, worried for Sirius' sanity.

"Padfoot, are you sure you'll be okay?" James asked again.

"Yes, great! Peachy! Now read on, read on!"

**He couldn't help imagining what Stan might be telling his passengers in a few nights' time.**

**"'Ear about that 'Arry Potter? Blew up 'is aunt! We 'ad 'im 'ere on the Knight Bus, di'n't we, Ern? 'E was tryin' to run for it…"**

**He, Harry, had broken wizard law just like Sirius Black.**

Remus glanced up at Sirius to see if he would start yelling again, but Sirius did not. He just sat there with some broad grin on his face.

**Was inflating Aunt Marge bad enough to land him in Azkaban? Harry didn't know anything about the wizard prison, thought everyone he'd ever heard speak of it did so in the same fearful tone. Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, had spent two months there only last year. Harry wouldn't soon forget the look of terror on Hagrid's face when he had been told where he was going, and Hagrid was one of the bravest people Harry knew.**

**The Knight Bus rolled through the darkness, scattering bushes and wastebaskets, telephone booths and trees, and Harry lay, restless and miserable, on his feather bed. After a while, Stan remembered that Harry had paid for hot chocolate, but poured it all over Harry's pillow when the bus moved abruptly from Anglesea to Aberdeen.**

Remus tutted. "What a waste of chocolate…"

**One by one, wizards and witches in dressing gowns and slippers descended from the upper floors to leave the bus. They all looked very pleased to go.**

"Isn't everyone who gets off that bus happy?" Peter said.

**Finally, Harry was the only passenger left.**

**Right then, Neville," said Stan, clapping his hands, "where abouts in London?"**

**"Diagon Alley," said Harry.**

**"Righto," said Stan. "'Old tight, then…"**

**BANG**

**They were thundering along Charing Cross Road. Harry sat up and watched buildings and benches squeezing themselves out of the Knight Bus's way. The sky was getting a little lighter. He would lie low for a couple of hours, go to Gringotts the moment it opened, then set off- where, he didn't know.**

"No, son, don't do it!" said James. "This is your dead- I mean, Not-Yet-Dead father speaking, and I say: don't become an outcast! You should've gone to Ron's house or something! Don't be such an idiot, son!"

**Ern slammed on the brakes and the Knight Bus skidded to a halt in front of a small and shabby-looking pub, the Leaky Cauldron, behind which lay the magical entrance to Diagon Alley.**

**"Thanks," Harry said to Ern.**

**He jumped down the steps and helped Stan lower his trunk and Hedwig's cage onto the pavement.**

**"Well," said Harry. "'Bye then!"**

"No, my son. No, no, no!" said James. "Don't become an outcast! What kind of father will I be then?"

"A dead one?" Peter suggested.

"Son… son… no…"

**But Stan wasn't paying attention. Still standing in the doorway to the bus, he was goggling at the shadowy entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.**

**"There you are Harry," said a voice.**

**Before Harry could turn, he felt a hand on his shoulder. At the same time, Stan shouted, "Blimey! Ern, come 'ere! Come 'ere!"**

**Harry looked up at the owner of the hand on his shoulder and felt a bucketful of ice cascade into his stomach- he had walked right into Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic himself.**

Peter snorted and laughed.

"What do you think is so funny?" James demanded of Peter. "You think it's funny that my son is going to be arrested now?"

"No," said Peter. "I just think his name is funny. Fudge, I mean. Not Harry."

**Stan leapt onto the pavement beside them.**

**"What didja call Neville, Minister?" he said excitedly.**

**Fudge, a portly little man in a long, pinstriped cloak, looked cold and exhausted.**

**"Neville?" he repeated, frowning. "This is Harry Potter."**

**"I knew it!" Stan shouted gleefully. "Ern! Ern! Guess 'oo Neville is, Ern! 'E's 'Arry Potter! I can see 'is scar!"**

**"Yes," said Fudge testily, "well, I'm very glad the Knight Bus picked Harry up, but he and I need to step inside the Leaky Cauldron now…"**

"No, Fudge!" said James. "I don't care how fudge-y you are! You can NOT arrest my son for blowing up his aunt who rightfully deserves to be blown up!"

**Fudge increased the pressure on Harry's shoulder, and Harry found himself being steered inside the pub. A stooping figure bearing a lantern appeared through the door behind the bar. It was Tom, the wizened, toothless landlord.**

**"You've got him, Minister!" said Tom. "Will you be wanting anything? Beer? Brandy?"**

"What!" James said. "Now you're going to get drunk! Or try and make my son get drunk!" He gasped. "Harry does not drink! He better not have!"

**"Perhaps a pot of tea," said Fudge, who still hadn't let go of Harry.**

"That's better," said James.

**There was a loud scraping and puffing from behind them, and Stan and Ern appeared, carrying Harry's trunk and Hedwig's cage and looking around excitedly.**

**"'Ow come you di'n't tell us 'oo you are, eh, Neville?" said Stan, beaming at Harry, while Ernie's owlish face peered interestedly over Stan's shoulder.**

**"And a private parlor, please, Tom," said Fudge pointedly.**

**"'Bye," Harry said miserably to Stan and Ern as Tom beckoned Fudge toward the passage that led from the bar.**

**"'Bye, Neville!" called Stan.**

"Are they leaving now?" asked Sirius.

Remus glanced down the page. "Yep."

"Good. Because that accent is horrible. I never, ever want to hear it again."

**Fudge marched Harry along the narrow passage after Tom's lantern, and then into a small parlor. Tom clicked his fingers, a fire burst into life in the grate, and he bowed himself out of the room.**

**"Sit down, Harry," said Fudge, indicating a chair by the fire.**

**Harry sat down, feeling goose bumps rising up his arms despite the glow of the fire. Fudge took off his pinstriped cloak and tossed it aside, then hitched up the trousers of his bottle-green suit and sat down opposite Harry_._**

"I can't look, I can't look!" said James, covering his eyes.

"You can't see it, anyway!" Remus said.

"Whoops…yeah…"

**"I am Cornelius Fudge, Harry. The Minister of Magic."**

**Harry already knew this, of course; he had seen Fudge once before, but as he had been wearing his father's Invisibility Cloak at the time, Fudge wasn't to know that.**

"Harry was wearing my cloak again?" James said. "Wonder why…oh well, who cares?"

**Tom the innkeeper reappeared, wearing an apron over his nightshirt and bearing a tray of tea and crumpets. He placed the tray on a table between Fudge and Harry and left the parlor, closing the door behind him.**

**"Well, Harry," said Fudge, pouring out tea, "you've had us all in a right flap, I don't mind telling you. Running away from your aunt and uncle's house like that! I'd started to think…but you're safe, and that's what matters."**

"What?" James asked. "What did you think, what?"

**Fudge buttered himself a crumpet and pushed the plate toward Harry.**

**"Eat, Harry, you look dead on your feet. Now then…You will be pleased to hear that we have dealt with the unfortunate blowing-up of Miss Marjorie Dursley. Two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department were dispatched to Privet Drive a few hours ago. Miss Dursley has been punctured and her memory has been modified. She has no recollection of the incident at all. So that's that, and no harm done."**

"Damn it. I mean," Sirius added as James looked at him, "Hooray."

**Fudge smiled at Harry over the rim of his teacup, rather like an uncle surveying his favorite nephew.**

"As if I'd ever let you be his uncle!" said James. "You're going to arrest my son now, aren't you?"

**Harry, who couldn't believe his ears, opened his mouth to speak, couldn't think of anything to say, and closed it again.**

**"Ah, you're worrying about the reaction of your aunt and uncle?" said Fudge. "Well, I won't deny that they are extremely angry, but they are prepared to take you back next summer as long as you stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays."**

**Harry unstuck his throat.**

**"I always stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays," he said, "and I don't ever want to go back to Privet Drive."**

**"Now, now, I'm sure you'll feel differently once you've calmed down," said Fudge in a worried tone. "They are your family, after all, and I'm sure you are fond of each other- er- very deep down."**

James started laughing. "Yeah, very deep down! So deep, that by the time you've finished digging to find it, Harry's grandchildren will be dead!"

"By a great big murderer?" Sirius said tonelessly.

"Oh…Padfoot, I didn't mean it like that! You know what I meant!"

**It didn't occur to Harry to put Fudge right. He was still waiting to hear what was going to happen to him now.**

**"So all that remains," said Fudge, now buttering himself a second crumpet, "is to decide where you're going to spend the last two weeks of your vacation. I suggest you take a room here at the Leaky Cauldron and-"**

"Hang on!" said James. "What about his punishment?"

Remus glanced at the next line. "Whoa, Prongs, that's quite freaky. Your son just said the exact same thing."

"Really?"

"Yes, see here." Remus continued reading.

**"Hang on," blurted Harry. "What about my punishment?"**

**Fudge blinked.**

**"Punishment?"**

"Yeah!" James said. "He broke the law! That law they have about performing magic underage! The Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry!"

**"I broke the law!" Harry said. "The Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry!"**

"Wow," said Peter. "You really are scaring us! You and Harry really do have that father-son thing going on!"

**"Oh, my dear boy, we're not going to punish you for a little thing like that!" cried Fudge, waving his crumpet impatiently. "It was an accident! We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!"**

**But this didn't tally at all with Harry's past dealings with the Ministry of Magic.**

**"Last year, I got an official warning just because a house-elf smashed a pudding in my uncle's house!" he told Fudge, frowning. "The Ministry of Magic said I'd be expelled from Hogwarts if there was any more magic there!"**

"What?" said James. "What was a house-elf doing in the house?"

"Cleaning?" Peter suggested.

"Don't be stupid, it's not Harry's house-elf!" said James. "But if it was… Oh, just think how much fun we could have! I mean, how much fun _he_ could have!"

**Unless Harry's eyes were deceiving him, Fudge was suddenly looking awkward.**

**"Circumstances change, Harry…We have to take into account…in the present climate…Surely you don't want to be expelled?"**

**"Of course I don't," said Harry.**

**"Well then, what's all the fuss about?" laughed Fudge. "Now, have a crumpet, Harry, while I go and see if Tom's got a room for you."**

"What if Harry doesn't want a crumpet, eh?" said James. "What if he doesn't like crumpets? You told him three times, and he doesn't want one!"

**Fudge strode out of the parlor and Harry stared after him. There was something extremely odd going on.**

"Of course," said Peter.

"There always is," said James.

"That's life," said Remus.

Sirius didn't say anything.

**Why had Fudge been waiting for him at the Leaky Cauldron, if not to punish him for what he'd done?**

"Because he wanted to force him into eating crumpets, that's why!" James answered.

**And now Harry came to think of it, surely it wasn't usual for the Minister of Magic himself to get involved in matters of underage magic?**

**Fudge came back, accompanied by Tom the innkeeper.**

**"Room eleven's free, Harry," said Fudge. "I think you'll be very comfortable. Just one thing, and I'm sure you'll understand…I don't want you wandering off into Muggle London, all right? Keep to Diagon Alley. And you're to be back here before dark each night. Sure you'll understand. Tom will be keeping an eye on you for me."**

"Ay, who are you to order my son?" James said.

**"Okay," said Harry slowly, "but why-?"**

**"Don't want to loose you again, do we?" said Fudge with a hearty laugh. "No, no…best we know where you are…I mean…"**

"What are you talking about?" James asked.

**Fudge cleared his throat loudly and picked up his pinstriped cloak.**

**"Well, I'll be off, plenty to do, you know…"**

**"Have you had any luck with Black yet?" Harry asked.**

Sirius spoke for the first time in minutes, losing his bright, happy grin.

"Had to bring it up again, didn't he?" he said. "Can't your son leave me alone?"

**"What's that? Oh, you're heard- well, no, not yet, but it's only a matter of time. The Azkaban guards have never yet failed…and they are angrier than I've ever seen them."**

"NO!" yelled Sirius. "NOT THE DEMENTORS!"

**Fudge shuddered slightly.**

**"So, I'll say good-bye."**

**He held out his hand and Harry, shaking it, had a sudden idea.**

**"Er- Minister? Can I ask you something?"**

**"Certainly," said Fudge with a smile.**

**"Well, third years at Hogwarts are allowed to visit Hogsmeade, but my aunt and uncle didn't sign my permission form. D'you think you could-?"**

**Fudge was looking uncomfortable.**

**"Ah," he said. "No, no, I'm very sorry, Harry, but as I'm not your parent or guardian-"**

**"But you're the Minister of Magic," said Harry eagerly. "If you gave me permission-"**

**"No, I'm sorry, Harry, but rules are rules," said Fudge flatly. "Perhaps you'll be able to visit Hogsmeade next year."**

"But- but-!" James stuttered. "Harry has to go to Hogsmeade! How else will he follow in the footsteps of his father?"

"Erm, would that be a good thing?" Remus asked.

"Well of course it would be a good thing! I am James Potter, after all!"

**"In fact, I think it's best if you don't…yes…well, I'll be off. Enjoy your stay, Harry."**

**And with a last smile and shake of Harry's hand, Fudge left the room. Tom now moved forward, beaming at Harry.**

**"If you'll follow me, Mr. Potter," he said, "I've already taken your things up…"**

**Harry followed Tom up a handsome wooden staircase to a door with a brass number eleven on it, which Tom unlocked and opened for him.**

**Inside was a very comfortable-looking bed, some highly polished oak furniture, a cheerfully crackling fire and, perched on top of the wardrobe-**

**"Hedwig!" Harry gasped.**

**The snowy owl clicked her beak and fluttered down onto Harry's arm.**

"Excellent owl, my son has!" said James. "She'll protect my son!"

Peter stifled his laughter.

**"Very smart owl you've got there," chuckled Tom. "Arrived about five minutes after you did. If there's anything you need, Mr. Potter, don't hesitate to ask."**

**He gave another bow and left.**

**Harry sat on his bed for a long time, absentmindedly stroking Hedwig. The sky outside the window was changing rapidly from deep, velvety blue to cold, steely gray and then, slowly, to pink shot with gold. Harry could hardly believe that he'd left Privet Drive only a few hours ago, that he wasn't expelled, and that he was now facing two completely Dursley-free weeks.**

**"It's been a very weird night, Hedwig," he yawned.**

"That's quite an understatement compared to our day," Remus added.

**And without even removing his glasses, he slumped back onto his pillows and fell asleep.**

"Well…that was Chapter Three," said Remus. "Erm…nice, wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah, real nice," said Sirius sarcastically. "It's real nice finding out that you're a murderer!"

"Well… Try and look on the bright side!" said James.

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"Maybe you murdered people that we all hate, anyway! Like Snivellus, and Lucius Malfoy, and your relatives…It might not be that bad!"

"Yeah!" said Peter.

Remus thought that this possibility was very unlikely, and had a feeling James and Peter had the same feeling, but nevertheless, he went along with them, trying to cheer Sirius up. "Yes, come on, we'll still be your friends in the future."

"Except for me, who's dead," James grumbled. "But I will still be your friend from the dead!"

"Hmm…Maybe you're right," said Sirius, starting to grin. "Maybe it isn't as bad as the book is making it seem…"

And so, Sirius in a better mood, Remus got ready to read Chapter Four, and James, Sirius and Peter eagerly listened, thinking that maybe things would all get better in the next chapter.

Were they ever wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

"So," said Remus. "Are we all ready for Chapter Four?"

"It depends. There better be no more of the Knight Bus," said Peter.

"My son better make good choices," said James.

"I better not be murderer," said Sirius grumpily.

Remus thought it was probable that the Knight Bus wouldn't be back. He assumed that Harry would make _some_ good choices, but not all of his choices would be good, because after all, he _was _James' son. Though he thought it would be very unlikely that Sirius wasn't mentioned as a murderer anymore.

"Er…well, we'll just read on anyway," said Remus quickly. "_Chapter Four_. _The Leaky Cauldron_"

**It took Harry several days to get used to his strange new freedom. Never before had he been able to get up whenever he wanted or eat whatever he fancied.**

"Never before?" James asked, thunderstruck. "_Never before!_ Son! Son! Listen to me!"

"He can't hear you, Prongs," Remus reminded him.

James ignored him and continued pointlessly talking to the book. "Enjoy your freedom! Get revenge on those Dursleys! Yeah!"

**He could even go wherever he pleased, as long as it was in Diagon Alley, and as this long cobbled street was packed with the most fascinating wizarding shops in the world, Harry felt no desire to break his word to Fudge and stray back into the Muggle world.**

**Harry ate breakfast each morning in the Leaky Cauldron, where he liked watching the other guests: funny little witches from the country, up for a day's shopping; venerable-looking wizards arguing over the latest article in Transfiguration Today; wild-looking warlocks, raucous dwarfs; and once, what looked suspiciously like a hag, who ordered a plate of raw liver from behind a thick woolen balaclava.**

Sirius had actually started laughing, even though the above paragraph wasn't tremendously funny. James didn't care though.

"See, Padfoot, that's right! Have fun and laugh with us!"

**After breakfast Harry would go out into the backyard, take out his wand, tap the third brick from the left above the trash bin, and stand back as the archway into Diagon Alley opened into the wall.**

**Harry spent the long sunny days exploring the shops and eating under the brightly colored umbrellas outside cafes, where his fellow diners were showing one another their purchases ("it's a lunascope, old boy- no more messing around with moon charts, see?")**

"Hey, Moony, why don't you get yourself one of those?" asked Sirius, who seemed to be back in a good enough mood to start making more werewolf jokes to annoy Remus.

"I don't _want_ one of those," said Remus. "Even without moon charts, I can tell you about the moon and when it will be full."

"So when's that?" Sirius asked in mock idiocy.

"Oh, Padfoot, don't start that again."

**Or else discussing the case of Sirius Black ("personally, I won't let any of the children out alone until he's back in Azkaban").**

"But- but-" It appeared Sirius was slowly returning to his grumpy mood. "I love all the little children! I don't want to hurt them!"

"Well it seems that you want to now," said Peter.

James smacked Peter in the back of the head, and Remus said, "Shhhh!" loudly.

"Oh, wow, thanks Wormtail, that helps a lot," said Sirius sarcastically.

"Come on, Padfoot…I mean, assuming that this is a future book, you can still change all this," Peter mentioned.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure I can. If I ever know what possessed me into becoming a murderer."

"Well then, let's keep reading and maybe you'll find out!" James suggested.

**Harry didn't have to do his homework under the blankets by flashlight anymore; now he could sit in the bright sunshine outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, finishing all his essays with occasional help from Florean Fortescue himself, who, apart from knowing a great deal about medieval witch burnings, gave Harry free sundaes every half an hour_._**

"All right! That's what I'm talking about!" said Peter. "I want free sundaes when I'm writing essays!"

"No you don't," snapped Sirius. "I'm sure you'd scare all the children and teenage girls yourself by dribbling it all over your face and your essay and everything."

"I do not dribble on myself!" Peter retorted.

"That's what you think."

"Because it's true! Prongs…Moony… You know I don't dribble on myself, right?"

James started acting as if his glasses had fogged up and he really needed to clean them by rubbing them on his shirt violently, and Remus began looking as if he was very curious about the art of the book jacket.

"…Right?" Peter asked again.

James and Remus still made no reply, and Remus began reading again.

**Once Harry had refilled his moneybag with gold Galleons, silver Sickles, and bronze Knuts from his vault at Gringotts, he had to exercise a lot of self-control not to spend the whole lot at once. He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himself from buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in which the stones squirt a nasty-smelling liquid into the other player's face when they lose a point). He was sorely tempted, too, by the perfect moving model of the galaxy in a large glass ball, which would have meant he'd never had to take another Astronomy lesson.**

"Yeah, Harry, don't go wasting your money on that stuff, even if it does mean that you could skive off Astronomy! You can still just copy off your smart friend," James told him.

Remus coughed. "Oh, you mean like what you do to me?"

"Er…no, no, this is completely different! I'm telling Harry that he should save his money for the important things that will really help him with his studies!" James quickly added.

**But the thing that tested Harry's resolution most appeared in his favorite shop, Quality Quidditch Supplies, a week after he'd arrive at the Leaky Cauldron.**

"Woah! What is it?" James asked excitedly. "Go buy it, Harry! Go buy it if you want it!"

"Saving money for the important things that will really help with studies, are we?" asked Remus, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes!" said James. "This is essential! Everyone knows that Harry's studies will only be good if he gets a…if he gets a…well, whatever it is that he wants to buy…."

**Curious to know what the crowd in the shop was staring at, Harry edged his way inside and squeezed in among the excited witches and wizards until he glimpsed a newly erected podium, on which was mounted the most magnificent broom he had ever seen in his life.**

"Really?" said James weakly.

**"Just come out- prototype-" a square-jawed wizard was telling his companion.**

**"It's the fastest broom in the world, isn't it, Dad?" squeaked a boy younger than Harry, who was swinging off his father's arm.**

**"Irish International Side's just put in an order for seven of these beauties!" the proprietor of the shop told the crowd. "And they're favorites for the World Cup!"**

"Really?" James said again.

**A large witch in front of Harry moved, and he was able to read the sign next to the broom:**

**_THE FIREBOLT_**

**_This state-of-the-art racing broom sports a streamlined, superfine handle of ash, treated with a diamond-hard polish and hand-numbered with its own registration number. Each individually selected birch twig in the broomtail has been honed to aerodynamic perfection, giving the Firebolt unsurpassable balance and pinpoint precision. The Firebolt has an acceleration of 150 miles an hour in ten seconds and incorporates an unbreakable Braking Charm. Price on request._**

"Um…Prongs…You're drooling on Moony and the book," Sirius told him.

"So?" said Peter. "It's not like Moony hasn't gotten drool on himself before, or that you haven't accidentally gotten your dog slobber on him, or-"

"Wormtail!" Sirius yelled. "What's going on with you lately? Just shut it!"

"Me? You're the one going crazy here!"

"I said, shut it!"

"I…want…that…broom…" James said as if in trance, still not realizing that he was drooling.

"You can't have it," said Remus evenly, trying to ignore the drool flowing from James' mouth onto the book. "It hasn't been invented yet. Er…" The drooling from James' mouth started flowing faster. Remus took one of James' other shirts from the ground that James hadn't bothered to put into the laundry. "Can I borrow this?"

"Must…have…that…broom…" said James again, not aware of Remus using James' spare shirt to wipe the drool off the book and himself.

"Like I said, it's not possible for you to have that broom."

"Wait a minute… Why not?" James said, coming out of his trance.

"Because this story takes place years from now, and in the story it's only just come out," said Remus.

"That's no reason to limit my creativity!" said James. "I will write and force them to make it now! And then when they do, I'll be rich for coming up with the idea!"

"Great," said Sirius. "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"I dunno…" said James.

**Price on request…Harry didn't like to think how much gold the Firebolt would cost. He had never wanted anything as much in his whole life- but he had never lost a Quidditch math on his Nimbus Two Thousand, and what was the point in emptying his Gringotts vault for the Firebolt, when he had a very good broom already?**

"Because it's a Firebolt!" James said in a strangled sort of yell that ended up being in Remus' ear because James was still close to the book, getting excited every time he saw the word 'Firebolt'.

"Don't mind him," Sirius said to Remus. "He spent a whole day just talking about brooms with me. I think he's gone mental about those."

"Sounds like someone else has gone mental…" Peter muttered quietly so that nobody else could hear.

"What did you say?" Remus asked him.

"I said… 'Wow, isn't this fascinating? Prongs is so… parental. Let's keep reading'," Peter lied.

**Harry didn't ask for the price, but he returned, almost every day after that, just to look at the Firebolt.**

"I would…" said James dreamily.

**There were, however, things that Harry needed to buy. He went to the Apothecary to replenish his store of potions ingredients, and as his school robes were now several inches too short in the arm and leg, he visited Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions and bought new ones. Most important of all, he had to buy his new schoolbooks, which would include those for his two new subjects, Care of Magical Creatures and Divination.**

"Oh no, not Divination," said Remus. "I hate Divination… You'll hate it too, Harry, believe me."

"Harry's not a werewolf," Sirius said. "He's not going to hate those crystal orbs like you do."

"Still don't like it…"

**Harry got a surprise as he looked in at the bookshop window. Instead of the usual display of gold-embossed spellbooks the size of paving slabs, there was a large iron cage behind the class that held about a hundred copies of-**

"Brooms," James finished.

"Books about swing music," said Remus.

"Clubs to beat the tar out of Snivellus," said Sirius.

"Wanted posters," said Peter.

"Wanted posters!" thundered Sirius.

"It seemed like it would fit!" said Peter quickly. "I mean, with the circumstances going on in the story…"

Sirius growled at him.

**" –_The Monster Book of Monsters."_** Remus finished quickly. "There, see? No wanted posters, don't worry…"

Sirius nodded, but still glared over at Peter. Remus continued reading.

**Torn pages were flying everywhere as the books grappled with each other, locked together in furious wrestling matches and snapping aggressively.**

"Again, that book sounds like a werewolf," Sirius said.

Remus snapped his head up from the book and frowned at Sirius. Sirius immediately began explaining himself.

"I know werewolves aren't green and leathery! You told me already! But look! It sounds like what Prongs and I have to do sometimes to make you stop going crazy!"

Remus sighed, deciding not to argue since there was always the chance that Sirius would start up a screaming fest, and read some more.

**Harry pulled his booklist out of his pocket and consulted it for the first time. _The Monster Book of Monsters_ was listed as the required book for Care of Magical Creatures. Now Harry understood why Hagrid had said it would come in useful. He felt relieved; he had been wondering whether Hagrid wanted help with some terrifying new pet.**

"Nah," said James. "He just wanted to save my son the trouble of buying it. I guess Hagrid also wants Harry to save his money for the important things! Like Firebolts!"

**As Harry entered Flourish and Blotts, the manager came hurrying toward him.**

**"Hogwarts?" he said abruptly. "Come to get your new books?"**

**"Yes," said Harry, "I need-"**

**"Get out of the way," said the manager impatiently, brushing Harry aside. He drew on a pair of very thick gloves, picked up a large, knobbly walking stick, and proceeded toward the door of the _Monster Books'_ cage.**

**"Hang on," said Harry quickly, "I've already got one of those."**

**"Have you?" A look of enormous relief spread over the manager's face. "Thank heavens for that. I've been bitten five times already this morning-"**

"Oh, don't complain," said Remus, pausing in the reading. "I'd gladly have those books bite me five times in the morning. No effects afterward, after all."

"Aww, Moony," said Sirius. "Sorry."

"Yeah," added Peter, hurrying on. "Sorry."

"I'll stop going on about Firebolts if it makes you feel better," suggested James.

"No, that's alright, don't bother apologizing," said Remus. "Nothing you can do, just felt like commenting…er...where were we…"

**A loud ripping noise rent the air; two of the _Monster Books_ had seized a third and were pulling it apart.**

**"Stop it! Stop it!" cried the manager, poking the walking stick through the bars and knocking the books apart. "I'm never stocking them again, never! It's been bedlam! I thought we'd seen the worst when we bought two hundred copies of the _Invisible Book of Invisibility-_ cost a fortune, and we never found them…"**

"Which is exactly why I'm glad I've got my Invisibility Cloak instead," said James.

**"Well…is there anything else I can help you with?"**

**"Yes," said Harry, looking down his booklist," I need _Unfogging the Future_ by Cassandra Vablatsky."**

**"Ah, starting Divination, are you?" said the manager, stripping off his gloves and leading Harry into the back of the shop, where there was a corner devoted to fortune-telling. A small table was stacked with volumes such as _Predicting the Unpredictable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks_ and _Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul._**

"Fortunes become chickens?" Peter asked.

"No, no, it's the homophone. They're using the other one," explained Remus. " 'Foul' as in 'Somebody left the eggs out of the refrigerator too long and they became foul'."

" 'Foul' as in 'Wormtail started to become an idiotic, dimwitted, uncaring foul person'," added Sirius.

"That's not true!" said Peter.

**"Here you are," said the manager, who had climbed a set of steps to take down a thick, black-bound book. "_Unfogging the Future_. Very good guide to all your basic fortune-telling methods- palmistry, crystal balls, bird entrails-"**

"Ugh, that's nasty," said James. "You're right, Moony. Harry shouldn't take Divination! How is looking at a bird's insides supposed to tell the future?"

"I've no idea," said Remus. "I didn't take Divination. You are."

**But Harry wasn't listening.**

"Good," said James. "Harry doesn't need to hear about how he'll be seeing the future by using bird guts…"

**His eyes had fallen on another book, which was among a display on a small table: _Death Omens: What to Do When You Know the Worst Is Coming._**

**"Oh, I wouldn't read that if I were you," said the manager lightly, looking to see what Harry was staring at. "You'll start seeing death omens everywhere. It's enough to frighten anyone to death."**

**But Harry continued to stare at the front cover of the book; it showed a black dog as large as a bear, with gleaming eyes. It looked oddly familiar…**

"It sounds like it looks like Padfoot," said Peter.

"WORMTAIL!"

"I'm just making a point, you know…"

"Calm down," said James, pulling Sirius down.

"I'm sure it really looks nothing like your Animagus form," said Remus. "Plus, we can't see it. Which is why people should stop making assumptions," he added, looking at Peter.

**The manager pressed _Unfogging the Future_ into Harry's hands.**

**"Anything else?" he said.**

"Yeah, how about a Firebolt?" said James.

"They don't sell Firebolts in Flourish and Blotts!" said Sirius. "Even I'm not thick enough to think that."

"But the manager asked if there was anything else he needed…and Harry needs a Firebolt. I need a Firebolt."

"I think you need a new point of interest," said Remus. He reached into his pocket. "Here, have some chocolate."

"Yum! Chocolate!" said James. "D'you think that if I press hard enough, I can make a model of a broom out of chocolate?"

"Erm…no," said Remus. "Why don't you just eat that normally…"

**"Yes," said Harry, tearing his eyes away from the dog's and dazedly consulting his booklist. "Er- I need _Intermediate Transfiguration_ and _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Three._"**

**Harry emerged from Flourish and Blotts ten minutes later with his new books under his arms and made his way back to the Leaky Cauldron, hardly noticing where he was going and bumping into several people.**

"Oh no!" said James. "Don't tell me you're drunk, son!"

"He's not, he's not!" said Remus.

"If you need to know about people being drunk, just ask Padfoot," said Peter.

"WORMTAIL!" Sirius screamed. "KEEP THIS UP AND I WILL GO GET DRUNK!"

"You know what, you have some chocolate too," said Remus, thrusting some at Peter. "I think it'd do a bit of good if you just kept quiet for a while."

"Moony, you know I don't really mean that stuff…"

**He tramped up the stairs to his room, went inside, and tipped his books onto his bed. Somebody had been in to tidy; the windows were open and sun was pouring inside. Harry could hear the buses rolling by in the unseen Muggle street behind him and the sound of the invisible crowd below in Diagon Alley. He caught sight of himself in the mirror over the basin.**

**"It can't have been a death omen," he told his reflection defiantly. "I was panicking when I saw that thing in Magnolia Crescent…It was probably just a stray dog…"**

**He raised his hand automatically and tried to make his hair lie flat.**

**"You're fighting a losing battle there, dear," said his mirror in a wheezy voice.**

"Yep," said James. "You better just ruffle it. You'll look cool."

"And Lily still hasn't gone out with you after all those times you've done it," said Sirius.

"Oh, but she will," James replied. "This is the year. I know it."

**As the days slipped by, Harry started looking wherever he went for a sign of Ron or Hermione. Plenty of Hogwarts students were arriving in Diagon Alley now, with the start of term so near. Harry met Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, his fellow Gryffindors, in Quality Quidditch Supplies, where they too were ogling the Firebolt;**

"Who wouldn't be?" asked James. "But hands-off, that's for my son, that is."

**He also ran into the real Neville Longbottom, a round-faced, forgetful boy, outside Flourish and Blotts.**

"Wow, that sounds just like someone," said Sirius. He gave a loud cough that sounded like "Wormtail."

"Don't start thinking that it sounds like me!" said Peter. "I never forget things!"

"Wormtail, what did you have for breakfast yesterday?" Sirius asked.

"Well…I had…I had…. well, I'm almost positive that I had eggs!"

"Were they foul like you are?"

"Don't start calling me names!"

"Don't start calling me a murderer."

"But you are."

"I'm not!"

"Padfoot, be quiet," said Remus. "Wormtail, stop egging him on."

"Why do we keep talking about eggs?" James asked, though nobody heard him.

"I haven't been egging him on," said Peter.

"Yes you have," said Remus. "You've continued to make comments about his future of being…well…" he glanced hesitantly at Sirius. "A murderer. Not that I'm poking fun of it, or anything," he added quickly to Sirius.

"I'm ignoring that word that starts with an 'M'. Go on though," said Sirius, looking around the ceiling.

"Anyway," Remus continued, looking back at Peter. "D'you mind not commenting on that anymore?"

"Oh, of course not," said Peter.

**Harry didn't stop to chat; Neville appeared to have mislaid his booklist and was being told off by his very formidable-looking grandmother. Harry hoped she never found out that he'd pretended to be Neville while on the run from the Ministry of Magic.**

**Harry woke up on the last day of the holidays, thinking that he would at least meet Ron and Hermione tomorrow, on the Hogwarts Express. He got up, dressed, went for a last look at the Firebolt, and was just wondering where he'd have lunch, when someone yelled his name and he turned.**

**"Harry! HARRY!"**

**They were there, both of them, sitting outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor- Ron looking incredibly freckly, Hermione very brown, both waving frantically at him.**

**"Finally!" said Ron, grinning at Harry as he sat down. "We went to the Leaky Cauldron, but they'd said you'd left, and we went to Flourish and Blotts, and Madam Malkin's, and-"**

**"I got all my school stuff last week," Harry explained. "And how come you knew I'm staying at the Leaky Cauldron?"**

"Bet he's been taking Divination," said Sirius.

"He can't have because you can't start taking it until third year, which they haven't started yet," Remus pointed out.

"At least that means Ron didn't have to find out that Harry was at the Leaky Cauldron by looking at bird guts…" said James.

**"Dad," said Ron simply.**

**Mr. Weasley, who worked at the Ministry of Magic, would of course have heard the whole story of what had happened to Aunt Marge.**

"Oh…He could find out that way too…" said Sirius.

**"Did you really blow up your aunt, Harry?" said Hermione in a very serious voice.**

**"I didn't mean to," said Harry, while Ron roared with laughter. "I just- lost control."**

**"It's not funny, Ron," said Hermione sharply. "Honestly, I'm amazed Harry wasn't expelled."**

**"So am I," admitted Harry. "Forget expelled, I thought I was going to be arrested." He looked at Ron. "Your dad doesn't know why Fudge let me off, does he?"**

**"Probably 'cause it's you, isn't it?" shrugged Ron, still chuckling.**

"Yeah, that's a good reason to be let off!" said James.

**"Famous Harry Potter and all that. I'd hate to see what the Ministry'd do to me if I blew up an aunt. Mind you, they'd have to dig me up first, because Mum would've killed me. Anyway, you can ask Dad yourself this evening. We're staying at the Leaky Cauldron Tonight too! So you can come to King's Cross with us tomorrow! Hermione's there as well!"**

**Hermione nodded, beaming. "Mum and Dad dropped me off this morning with all my Hogwarts things."**

**"Excellent!" said Harry happily. "So, have you got all your new books and stuff?"**

**"Look at this," said Ron, pulling a long thin box out of a bag and opening it.**

"Look at what?" said Peter. "What's that?"

"Perhaps it's a box of Spellotape to shut your mouth up," said Sirius ominously.

**"Brand-new wand. Fourteen inches, willow, containing one unicorn tail-hair. And we've got all our books-" He pointed at a large bag under his chair. "What about those _Monster Books_, eh? The assistant nearly cried when we said we wanted two."**

**"What's all that, Hermione?" Harry asked, pointing at not one but three bulging bags in the chair next to her."**

**"Well, I'm taking more new subjects than you, aren't I?" said Hermione. "Those are my books for Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures, Divination, the Study of Ancient Ruins, Muggle Studies-"**

**"What are you doing Muggle Studies for?" said Ron, rolling his eyes at Harry. "You're Muggle-born! Your mum and dad are Muggles! You already know all about Muggles!"**

**"But it'll be fascinating to study them from the wizarding point of view," said Hermione earnestly.**

"Oh wow, what an overachiever," said Sirius.

"I really pity the amount of work she'll have to handle," said Remus, shaking his head.

"At least my son will have someone smart to copy things off of," said James.

"Let's just hope he doesn't take after you in that area too much," said Remus.

**"Are you planning to eat or sleep at all this year, Hermione?" asked Harry, while Ron sniggered.**

"Guess not," said Peter.

**Hermione ignored them.**

**"I've still got ten Galleons," she said, checking her purse. "It's my birthday in September, and Mum and Dad gave me some money to get myself an early birthday present."**

**"How about a nice _book_?" said Ron innocently.**

**"No, I don't think so," said Hermione composedly. "I really want an owl. I mean, Harry's got Hedwig and you've got Errol-"**

**"I haven't," said Ron. "Errol's a family owl. All I've got is Scabbers." He pulled his pet rat out of his pocket. "And I want to get him checked over," he added, placing Scabbers on the table in front of them. "I don't think Egypt agreed with him."**

**Scabbers was looking thinner than usual, and there was a definite droop to his whiskers.**

"See, Wormtail?" said Sirius. "Keep making snide comments, and that's what you're going to look like next time you transform.

"Stop being so mean to the poor little rat!" said Peter. "I bet that Ron just isn't taking good care of him."

**"There's a magical creature shop just over there," said Harry, who knew Diagon Alley very well by now. "You could see if they've got anything for Scabbers, and Hermione can get her owl."**

**So they paid for their ice cream and crossed the street to the Magical Menagerie.**

**There wasn't much room inside. Every inch of wall was hidden by cages. It was smelly and very noisy because the occupants of these cages were all squeaking, squawking, jabbering, or hissing. The witch behind the counter was already advising a wizard on the care of double-ended newts, so Harry, Ron, and Hermione waited, examining the cages.**

**A pair of enormous purple toads sat gulping wetly and feasting on dead blowflies. A gigantic tortoise with a jewel-encrusted shell was glittering near the window. Poisonous orange snails were oozing slowly up the side of their glass tank, and a fat white rabbit kept changing into a silk top hat and back again with a loud popping noise.**

"Wow, we're encountering loads of show-offs, aren't we?" said Peter.

**Then there were cats of every color, a noisy cage of ravens, a basket of funny custard-colored furballs that were humming loudly,**

"Okay, now why would anyone want a ball of fur for a pet?" Sirius asked loudly. "That just doesn't make sense to me. Of all the pets in the world, and you choose to have a furball!"

**-and on the counter, a vast cage of sleek black rats that were playing some sort of skipping game using their long, bald tails.**

**The double ended newt wizard left, and Ron approached the counter.**

**"It's my rat," he told the witch. "He's been a bit off-color ever since I brought him back from Egypt.**

"Maybe the Sphinx gave him nightmares," James said.

**"Bang him on the counter," said the witch, pulling a pair of heavy black spectacles out of her pocket_._**

"No! No!" said Peter. "Don't bang him! If he's off-color, the last thing you want is to bang his poor head on the counter and then smack him with your glasses or something!"

"She just means to put him on the counter so she can examine him. She's not going to smack him on the counter and smack him with her spectacles…you take things too literal sometimes…" Remus said.

**Ron lifted Scabbers out of his inside pocket and placed him next to the cage of his fellow rats, who stopped their skipping tricks and scuffled to the wire for a better look.**

**Like nearly everything Ron owned, Scabbers the rat was second hand (he had once belonged to Ron's brother Percy) and a bit battered. Next to the glossy rats in the cage, he looked especially woebegone.**

**"Hm," said the witch, picking up Scabbers. "How old is this rat?"**

"Seventy-five," answered James.

"Really?" said Sirius. "I was thinking more like one hundred and sixty-three."

"Why are you being so mean to it?" Peter asked. "It had a hard time in Egypt, you know."

"Why are you sticking up for a rat that you don't even know?" Sirius asked. "Have you become one with the rats, or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I find rats to be quite interesting," said Peter. "I know you may have all laughed when you saw that this was my Animagus form, but there are many good things about rats! Like-"

"I don't care what good things there are about rats. Moony, just keep reading," Sirius said.

**"Dunno," said Ron. "Quite old. He used to belong to my brother."**

**"What powers does he have?" said the witch, examining Scabbers closely.**

"Loads I bet!" Peter said. "Because wizarding rats-"

"Shut it!" said Sirius again. "Are we starting a Rat Festival here? Because if we are, then I'll go get a little cape and tie it tightly around your neck."

"You can be Super Rat," said James. "Side-kick to Secret Pirate Man."

"Yeah! That sound fun!" said Peter.

"And arch enemy to Mega-Murdering Man, because Super Rat wouldn't shut his little mouth!" added Sirius, looking madly at Peter.

"Sirius, be quiet, stop acting rashly," Remus said quietly.

"I'm not acting rashly!" Sirius said.

"Let's get back to the story already!" said James. "I want to know what happens next!"

**"Er-" The truth was that Scabbers had never shown the faintest trace of interesting powers. The witch's eyes moved from Scabbers tattered left ear to his front paw, which had a toe missing, and tutted loudly.**

**"He's been through the mill, this one," she said_._**

"So rude!" said Peter. "You have to give him credit for living even though his toe is missing!"

**"He was like that when Percy gave him to me," said Ron defensively.**

"Yeah! You tell her!" said Peter.

"I'll tell you something…" Sirius muttered.

**"An ordinary common or garden rat like this can't be expected to live longer than three years or so," said the witch. "Now, if you were looking for something a bit more hard-wearing, you might like one of these-"**

**She indicated the black rats, who promptly started skipping again. Ron muttered, "Show-offs."**

"That's right! They are show-offs! With their fancy skipping tricks!" said Peter.

**"Well, if you don't want a replacement, you can try this rat tonic," said the witch, reaching under the counter and bringing out a small red bottle.**

**"Okay," said Ron. "How much- OUCH!"**

**Ron buckled as something huge and orange came soaring from the top of the highest cage,**

"It's a giant orange!" said James. "We can call the story 'Ron and the Giant Orange!'"

Sirius snickered.

"Wait!" said James. "Even better it could be the Firebolt in a large orange box! Yes! I bet it's the Firebolt!"

"Or, we could call the story 'James and the Dangerous Obsession with the Firebolt'," Remus suggested.

"My obsession isn't dangerous!" James said. "But that broom is! Do you remember how fast it was supposed to go? I want a Firebolt!"

**-landed on his head, and then propelled itself, spitting madly, at Scabbers.**

**"NO, CROOKSHANKS, NO!" cried the witch,**

"Why would someone name their Firebolt 'Crookshanks'?" James said.

"Maybe because they didn't name it 'Crookshanks'?" said Peter. "Stop thinking about the Firebolt all the time!"

**-but Scabbers shot from between her hands like a bar of soap-**

"Really? Because it certainly doesn't sound like he's as clean as a bar of soap," said Sirius.

**-landed splay-legged on the floor, and then scampered for the door.**

**"Scabbers!" Ron shouted, racing out of the shop after him; Harry followed.**

**It took them nearly ten minutes to catch Scabbers, who had taken refuge under a wastepaper bin outside Quality Quidditch Supplies.**

"See? I bet Scabbers wishes he could have a Firebolt too!" said James enthusiastically.

**Ron stuffed the trembling rat back into his pocket and straightened up, massaging his head.**

**"What was that?"**

**"It was either a very big cat or quite a small tiger," said Harry.**

"No, son!" said James. "It was a Firebolt! What do I keep telling you!"

"Prongs, it's not a Firebolt," said Sirius. "Sorry."

"But oh, if it was!"

**"Where's Hermione?"**

"Buying a Firebolt instead."

"Merlin…" said Remus. "It's not a Firebolt! Is there anyway we can get your mind off this?"

"Er…I dunno," James said, shrugging.

"Here, Moony, watch this," Sirius whispered. He stood up, went over to the window, and looked out. "Hey! Look! It's Evans!"

"Where?" asked James, scrambling up, ruffling his hair, and running toward the window so fast that he tripped on one of his shoes that he hadn't put away. He stuck his head out the window. "Evans?"

Sirius gave a very loud bark of laughter. "No, no, she's not there. Just had to get your mind on something else."

James disappointedly removed his head from the window and his hand from his hair, putting it limply back at his side. "Oh…" he said, and walked back to his place where he sat on the ground. Sirius followed him and sat back down as well.

"That was not funny, Padfoot!" said James. "What if it really was Evans?"

"Walking to your house now?" asked Sirius. "Nah. Maybe next year."

**"Probably getting her owl-"**

**They made their way back up the crowded street to the Magical Menagerie. As they reached it, Hermione came out, but she wasn't carrying an owl.**

"I told you!" said James, looking excited with a gleam in his eye. "I told you! I bet she went and bought a Firebolt for Harry! Because she's so nice!"

Remus sighed. "And we're back on the Firebolt talk."

"I don't think she would buy him a Firebolt," said Peter. "I'd sooner cut my finger off than your son get a broom that year."

"And this has nothing to do with the fact that this story takes place about eighteen years from now, right?" said Remus.

"I dunno," said Peter.

**Her arms were clamped tightly around the enormous ginger cat.**

**"You bought that monster?" said Ron, his mouth hanging open_._**

"No, she got him for free," said Peter.

**"He's gorgeous, isn't he?" said Hermione, glowing.**

"Like a flashlight!" sang James. "_All of the other reindeer_…"

"_Used to laugh and call him names_…" added Sirius.

"_They never let poor Rudolph_…" continued James.

"_Give a Firebolt to James_," Sirius invented.

"Oh great, now even the reindeer won't give me a Firebolt!" James complained.

"Well at this rate, who would?"

**That was a matter of opinion, thought Harry. The cat's ginger fur was thick and fluffy, but it was definitely a bit bowlegged and its face looked grumpy and oddly squashed, as though it had run headlong into a brick wall. Now that Scabbers was out of sight, however, the cat was purring contentedly in Hermione's arms.**

**"Hermione, that thing nearly scalped me!" said Ron.**

**"He didn't mean to, did you, Crookshanks?" said Hermione.**

**"And what about Scabbers?" said Ron, pointing at the lump in his chest pocket. "He needs rest and relaxation! How's he going to get it with that thing around?"**

"He could die," said James. "Rest In Peace, Scabbers…" He looked at Sirius. "Oh…wait…Am I offending you by saying that?"

"No, no, I'm fine."

**"That reminds me, you forgot your rat tonic," said Hermione, slapping the small red bottle into Ron's hand. "And stop worrying, Crookshanks will be sleeping in my dormitory and Scabbers in yours, what's the problem? Poor Crookshanks, that witch said he'd been in there for ages; no one wanted him."**

**"I wonder why," said Ron sarcastically as they set off toward the Leaky Cauldron.**

"Yeah, I wonder why," said Peter.

**They found Mr. Weasley sitting in the bar, reading the Daily Prophet.**

**"Harry!" he said, smiling as he looked up. "How are you?"**

**"Fine, thanks," said Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione joined Mr. Weasley with all their shopping.**

**Mr. Weasley put down his paper, and Harry saw the now familiar picture of Sirius Black staring up at him.**

Sirius began looking intently at the book again.

**"They still haven't caught him, then?" he asked.**

**"No," said Mr. Weasley, looking extremely grave. "They've pulled us all off our regular jobs at the Ministry to try and find him, but no luck so far."**

Remus looked up from the book and at Sirius. "Well…at least you sound like a very clever criminal…"

"Yeah, sure," said Sirius, not looking at Remus and still staring at the book.

**"Would we get a reward if we caught him?" asked Ron. "It'd be good to get some more money-"**

Sirius then started making a face at the book.

**"Don't be ridiculous, Ron," said Mr. Weasley, who on closer inspection looked very strained. "Black's not going to be caught by a thirteen-year-old wizard. It's the Azkaban guards who'll get him back, you mark my words._"_**

"No…" Sirius moaned, still transfixed by the book. "Not the Dementors…anything…"

"You shouldn't have murdered those people, then," said Peter.

"JUST SHUT IT! STOP REMINDING ME!"

**At that moment Mrs. Weasley entered the bar, laden with shopping bags and followed by the twins, Fred and George, who were about to start their fifth year at Hogwarts; the newly elected Head Boy, Percy; and the Weasley's youngest child and only girl, Ginny.**

**Ginny, who had always been very taken with Harry, seemed even more heartily embarrassed than usual when she saw him, perhaps because he had saved her life during their previous year at Hogwarts.**

"WOW!" yelled James. "Harry saved her life! He survives curses, he takes on Voldemort-"

Peter flinched slightly.

"-he plays Quidditch, and my son is just too awesome for words! I love him!"

**She went very red and muttered "hello" without looking at him. Percy, however, held out his hand solemnly as though he and Harry had never met and said, "Harry. How nice to see you."**

**"Hello, Percy," said Harry, trying not to laugh.**

**"I hope you're well?" said Percy pompously, shaking hands. It was rather like being introduced to the mayor.**

"Hey, I wonder if Harry's met the mayor?" said James. "He should, after all, since he's the world's best son…"

**"Very well, thanks-"**

**"Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply splendid to see you, old boy-"**

**"Marvelous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing."**

**Percy scowled.**

**"That's enough now," said Mrs. Weasley.**

**"Mum!" said Fred, as though he'd only just spotted her and seizing her hand too. "How really corking to see you-"**

**"I said, that's enough," said Mrs. Weasley, depositing her shopping in an empty chair.**

"No, it's not enough!" said Sirius. "Those two are hysterical…"

"Yes, I suppose those two would be of interest to you and Prongs?" said Remus.

"Oh yeah," said James. "They sound cool already."

**"Hello, Harry dear. I suppose you've heard our exciting news?"**

"Oh, no, don't tell me you're having another kid!" said Peter. "There are already so many Weasleys as it is!"

**She pointed to the brand-new silver badge on Percy's chest. "Second Head Boy in the family!" she said, swelling with pride.**

"Hmm. Let's hope she doesn't swell so much that she inflates. That'd be bad, now wouldn't it?" said Remus.

**"And last," Fred muttered under his breath.**

**"I don't doubt that," said Mrs. Weasley, frowning suddenly. "I notice they haven't made you two prefects."**

**"What do we want to be prefects for?" said George, looking revolted at the very idea. "It'd take all the fun out of life."**

"Exactly," said Sirius. "It's more fun being in Detention, sometimes. Plus, we have Moony as our Prefect-Friend, so it all works out good."

"Oh, great," said Remus, frowning. "Are you insinuating that you just like to hang around me so I'll let you guys slide with things?"

"No, 'course not," said Sirius. "Although that is an added bonus."

**Ginny giggled.**

**"You want to set a better example for your sister!" snapped Mrs. Weasley.**

**"Ginny's got other brothers to set her an example, Mother," said Percy loftily. "I'm going up to change for dinner…"**

**He disappeared and George heaved a sigh.**

**"We tried to shut him in a pyramid," he told Harry. "But Mum spotted us."**

James and Sirius started laughing. "That's a brilliant idea!" they said.

**Dinner that night was a very enjoyable affair. Tom the innkeeper put three tables together in the parlor, and the seven-**

"Dorks," finished Peter.

"No, it's Dwarfs," said James.

"I believe you mean 'dwarves'," said Remus.

"Oh yeah," said James.

"But I told you. I'm renaming that story Snow White and the Seven Midgets," Sirius said.

"All right, you do that, Padfoot."

"Fine, Moony, I will."

**-Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione ate their way through five delicious courses.**

**"How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous chocolate pudding.**

"Yum," Remus added in between his reading.

**"The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.**

**Everyone looked up at him.**

**"Why?" said Percy curiously.**

**"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"**

**"-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.**

James and Sirius burst into hysterics and fell back onto the floor laughing as Remus chuckled and Peter snorted.

"Oh, man, we'll have to watch out for these two," said James. "They might become cooler than us!"

"What if we're legends and they're trying to steal our identities?" said Sirius, laughing.

"Wouldn't we all want to?" muttered Peter softly under the laughing.

"Wow, we must be very popular, then!" said James. "But they can't match up to us…nah. They're not Animagi. At least, I don't think they can be…"

**Everyone except Percy and Mrs. Weasley snorted into their pudding.**

**"Why are the Ministry providing cars, Father?" Percy asked again, in a dignified voice.**

**"Well, as we haven't got one anymore," said Mr. Weasley, "-and as I work there, they're doing me a favor-"**

**His voice was casual, but Harry couldn't help noticing that Mr. Weasley's ears had gone red, just like Ron's did when he was under pressure.**

**"Good thing, too," said Mrs. Weasley briskly. "Do you realize how much luggage you've all got between you? A nice sight you'd be on the Muggle Underground…You are all packed, aren't you?"**

**"Ron hasn't put all his new things in his trunk yet," said Percy, in a long-suffering voice. "He's dumped them on my bed."**

"Aw, suck it up, Humongous Bighead," said James.

**"You're better go and pack properly, Ron, because we won't have much time in the morning," Mrs. Weasley called down the table. Ron scowled at Percy.**

**After dinner everyone felt very full and sleepy. One by one they made their way upstairs to their rooms to check their things for the next day. Ron and Percy were next door to Harry. He had just closed and locked his own trunk when he heard angry voices through the wall, and went to see what was going on.**

**The door of number twelve-**

"Oh no, that's the beginning of the address to my house," said Sirius. "Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Awful, despicable house. Thanks a lot, book, for reminding me of it…"

"I still say you can move in with me," said James. "My parents have gotten used to you always being here."

"Thanks, Prongs."

**-was ajar and Percy was shouting.**

**"It was here, on the bedside table, I took it off for polishing-"**

**"I haven't touched it, all right?" Ron roared back.**

**"What's up?"**

"The sky," said Peter.

"The stars," said Sirius.

"The moon," grumbled Remus.

"The comets that go 'woooo' every few years!" said James.

**"My Head Boy badge is gone," said Percy, rounding on Harry.**

**"So's Scabber's rat tonic," said Ron, throwing things out of his trunk to look. "I think I might've left it in the bar-"**

**"You're not going anywhere till you've found my badge!" yelled Percy.**

**"I'll get Scabber's stuff, I'm packed," Harry said to Ron, and he went downstairs.**

**Harry was halfway along the passage to the bar, which was now very dark, when he heard another pair of-**

"Socks," said Sirius

"Socks?" asked Remus.

"What? I just felt like being random…"

**-angry voices coming from the parlor. A second later, he recognized them as Mr. And Mrs. Weasleys'. He hesitated, not wanting them to know he'd heard them arguing, when the sound of his own name made him stop, then move closer to the parlor door.**

James made a sort of mock gasp. "Talking about my son behind his back! How rude!"

**"…makes no sense not to tell him," Mr. Weasley was saying heatedly. "Harry's got a right to know."**

"Of course he does!" said James. "What does he have to know? What? What? What?"

**"I've tried to tell Fudge, but he insists on treating Harry like a child. He's thirteen years old and-"**

**"Arthur, the truth would terrify him!" said Mrs. Weasley shrilly. "Do you really want to send Harry back to school with that hanging over him? For heaven's sake, he's happy not knowing!"**

"Or is he?" said Peter, mocking shifty eyes.

"What is he happy not knowing?" James yelled. "Tell me, tell me, Moony!"

"Hold on!" said Remus. "I'm not at that bit yet!"

**"I don't want to make him miserable, I want to put him on his guard!" retorted Mr. Weasley. "You know what Harry and Ron are like, wandering off by themselves- they've ended up in the Forbidden Forest twice!"**

"Why's that?" asked James loudly.

**"But Harry mustn't do that this year! When I think what could have happened to him that night he ran away from home! If the Knight Bus hadn't picked him up, I'm prepared to bet he would have been dead before the Ministry found him."**

**"But he's not dead, he's fine, so what's the point-"**

**"Molly, they say Sirius Black's mad, and maybe he is, but he was clever enough to escape Azkaban, and that's supposed to be impossible."**

"Oh, thanks for reminding me!" shouted Sirius. "What are you talking about me now for?"

**"It's been three weeks, and no one's seen hide nor hair of him, and I don't care what Fudge keeps telling the Daily Prophet, we're no nearer catching black than inventing self-spelling wands."**

"Darn, I always wanted one of those…" said Peter.

"Shhhh!" said Sirius.

**"The only thing we know for sure is what Black's after-"**

"And what's that?" yelled Sirius.

**"But Harry will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts."**

Remus furrowed his brow. He didn't like the idea of where this was going. Sirius continued to stare intently at the book.

**"We thought Azkaban was perfectly safe. If Black can break out of Azkaban, he can break into Hogwarts."**

**"But no one's really sure that Black's after Harry-"**

James slowly turned his head sideways from the book to Sirius' face. "Padfoot, don't make me think what I'm thinking…"

Sirius matched James' facial expression of confusion and anger. "Don't think I think you think I thought that I wanted you to get that thought…"

**There was a thud on wood, and Harry was sure Mr. Weasley had banged his fist on the table.**

**"Molly, how many times do I have to tell you? They didn't report it in the press because Fudge wanted it kept quiet, but Fudge went out to Azkaban the night Black escaped. The guards told Fudge that Black's been talking in his sleep for a while now. Always the same words: 'He's at Hogwarts…he's at Hogwarts.' Black is deranged, Molly, and he wants Harry dead."**

"YOU WHAT!" James exploded and pushed Sirius over. "Don't you go killing my son!"

Sirius tackled him. "I'M ALREADY A MURDERER AND NOW I'M GOING ABOUT KILLING YOUR SON. YOU THINK I WANTED THAT TO HAPPEN?**"**

Sirius and James soon began rolling around on the floor, punching and yelling at each other. Remus quickly put the book down, went over to the two and tried to push them apart.

"SIRIUS, SIT DOWN AND STOP PUNCHING JAMES. JAMES, STOP YELLING AND PUNCHING SIRIUS."

Yes, That-Time-Of-The-Month was coming on in a few days for Remus, so he could really get quite mad about things. He managed to separate the two and get them sitting back down.

"Please, let's not attack each other right here and now. I'm really not feeling up to it."

"Well, sorry, Moony," said Sirius, though his tone was not quite sorry. "But Prongs here is yelling about me murdering his son as if I purposely chose to."

"Because you did!" James bellowed. "How could you?"

Sirius looked as if he was ready to go attack James again, but Remus hurriedly pushed him back down again. "Sirius, stop attacking James. If you must be angry, do it in a less aggressive way."

Sirius sighed in an annoyed way. Then he began poking James in the shoulder. James just glared at him. Peter looked shocked but kind of laughed.

"Um…What are you doing?" Remus asked Sirius.

"I'm poking Prongs with rage."

"Er…all right then…Shall we get on with the story?"

**"If you ask me, he thinks murdering Harry will bring You-Know-Who back to power. Black lost everything the night Harry stopped You-Know-Who, and he's had twelve years in Azkaban to brood on that."**

"Great, just what I wanted!" said Sirius hysterically after poking James again. "Twelve years in Azkaban with the Dementors to brood on killing someone!"

**There was silence.**

Remus blinked. Actually, there was silence in their own room as well.

**Harry leaned still closer to the door, desperate to hear more.**

**"Well, Arthur, you must do what you think is right. But you're forgetting Albus Dumbledore. I don't think anything could hurt Harry at Hogwarts while Dumbledore's headmaster. I suppose he knows about all this?"**

**"Of course he knows. We had to ask him if he minds the Azkaban guards stationing themselves around the entrances to the school grounds. He wasn't happy about it, but he agreed."**

**"Not happy?"**

"Well, yeah, who would be?" asked Sirius angrily.

**"Why shouldn't he be happy, if they're there to catch Black?"**

**"Dumbledore isn't fond of the Azkaban guards," said Mr. Weasley heavily. "Not am I, if it comes to that…but when you're dealing with a wizard like Black, you sometimes have to join forces with those you'd rather avoid."**

**"If they save Harry-"**

**"- then I will never say another word against them," said Mr. Weasley wearily. "It's late, Molly, we'd better go up…"**

**Harry heard chairs move. As quietly as he could, he hurried down the passage to the bar and out of sight. Then the parlor door opened, and a few seconds later footsteps told him that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were climbing the stairs.**

**The bottle of rat tonic was lying under the table they had sat at earlier. Harry waited until he heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's bedroom door close, then headed back upstairs with the bottle.**

**Fred and George were crouching in the shadows on the landing, heaving with laughter as they listening to Percy dismantling his and Ron's room in search of his badge.**

**"We've got it," Fred whispered to Harry. "We've been improving it."**

**The badge now read 'Bighead Boy'.**

Normally, this would have made James and Sirius start laughing, since they thought the twins to be absolutely hysterical, but they were silent. Peter gave a small little laugh, but stopped it as he heard the rest of the room was silent too.

**Harry forced a laugh, went to give Ron the rat tonic, then shut himself in his room and lay down on his bed.**

**So Sirius Black was after him.**

James clenched his teeth and Sirius looked at the book as if it had just killed his soul. Which, in a way, it was.

**This explained everything. Fudge had been lenient with him because he was so relived to find him alive. He'd made Harry promise to stay in Diagon Alley where there were plenty of wizards to keep an eye on him. And he was sending two Ministry cars to take them all to the station tomorrow, so that the Weasley's could look after Harry until he was on the train.**

**Harry lay listening to the muffled shouting next door and wondered why he didn't feel more scared.**

"At least my son doesn't feel scared when it turns out that people are breaking out of prison to go murder him," said James in an intentional ominous tone. Sirius gave no reply and acted as if he could not hear him.

**Sirius Black had murdered thirteen people with one curse; Mr. and Mrs. Weasley obviously thought Harry would be panic-stricken if he knew the truth. But Harry happened to agree wholeheartedly with Mrs. Weasley that the safest place on earth was wherever Albus Dumbledore happened to be. Didn't people always say that Dumbledore was the only person Lord Voldemort had ever been afraid of? Surely Black, as Voldemort's right-hand man, would be just as frightened of him?**

"No I'm not!" retorted Sirius irritably. "Dumbledore's wicked cool! Why should I be afraid of him? He's a great Headmaster!"

Remus agreed with this as well, since he had so much respect and gratitude toward Dumbledore. However, he knew it was not the time to mention his appreciation for Dumbledore.

**And then there were these Azkaban guards everyone kept talking about. They seemed to scare most people senseless, and if they were stationed all around the school, Black's chances of getting inside seemed very remote.**

"Yeah, no one's allowed to murder my son," James said tauntingly.

**No, all in all, the thing that bothered Harry most was the fact that his chances of visiting Hogsmeade now looked like zero. Nobody would want Harry to leave the safety of the castle until Black was caught; in fact, Harry suspected his every move would be carefully watched until the danger had passed.**

**He scowled at the dark ceiling. Did they think he couldn't look after himself? He'd escaped from Lord Voldemort three times; he wasn't completely useless…**

**Unbidden, the image of the beast in the shadows of Magnolia Crescent crossed his mind. 'What to do when you know the worst is coming…'**

**"I'm not going to be murdered," Harry said out loud.**

**"That's the spirit, dear," said his mirror sleepily.**

"Yes, you bet that's the spirit," said James.

Remus looked up at everyone, since he had reached Chapter Five. He himself was rather shocked. James had a look of anger and rebellion on his face. Sirius looked as if he was in horror, yet he also had an irritable look on his face. Peter was just staring at the book.

No one had anything to say.


	5. Chapter 5

There was still an echoing silence in the room.

"Really…We can stop reading if you guys want to," said Remus. "Just because a mysterious book lands in the room doesn't mean that you have to read it…heh…it's probably best if you don't, actually…"

"Moony," said Sirius. "As much as I hate this book, keep reading."

"Moony," said James. "As much as I hate this book, keep reading."

"You could have just said 'I agree' instead of saying the whole thing all over again," Remus mentioned to James.

"I'm not talking to _him_," said James. "So I don't agree with him."

"I'm not talking to _him_," said Sirius. "I do not agree with him at all. So, Wormtail, I'm making you the messenger, because Remus is too busy reading and he doesn't need to wear out his voice more. Anything that I need to say to _him_, I will tell it to you and you will tell it to him."

"Wormtail, you are the messenger," said James. "Anything that I need to say to _him_, I will tell it to you and you will tell it to him."

"All right…" said Peter. "Just don't give me déjà vu…my head hurts."

"_Chapter Five_," said Remus. "_The Dementor."_

"Nooooo!" yelled Sirius.

**Tom woke Harry the next morning with his usual toothless grin-**

"See, that's why it's important to brush your teeth. Wouldn't want to end up like him, now would you?" said James.

**-and a cup of tea. Harry got dressed and was just persuading a disgruntled Hedwig to get back into her cage when Ron banged his way into the room, pulling a sweatshirt over his head and looking-**

"Stupid," suggested Peter.

**-irritable.**

**"The sooner we get on that train, the better," he said. "At least I can get away from Percy at Hogwarts. Now he's accusing me of dripping-**

"Snot," finished Peter.

"Do you have a thing against Ron or something?" asked Remus.

"He needs to take better care of his rat," said Peter.

**-tea on his photo of Penelope Clearwater. You know," Ron grimaced, "his girlfriend. She's hidden her face under the frame because her nose has gone all blotchy…"**

"Just be glad that her nose isn't as abnormally large as Snivellus' is," said James.

It looked like Sirius really wanted to agree and laugh, and perhaps make another comment about Snape. But he didn't, and he just kept looking at the book.

**"I've got something to tell you," Harry began, but they were interrupted by Fred and George, who had looked in to congratulate Ron on infuriating Percy again.**

**They headed down to breakfast, where Mr. Weasley was reading the from page of the Daily Prophet with a furrowed brow and Mrs. Weasley was telling Hermione and Ginny about a love potion she had made as a young girl. All three of them were rather giggly.**

"Aha! What if Molly just used a love potion to get Arthur to marry her?" said Sirius. "Ha ha, wouldn't that be funny? I dunno, if she did really…They left Hogwarts a few years ago, didn't they?"

"Yeah," Remus replied. "But do you really think she'd be thick enough to want Arthur to fall in love with her by means of a love potion? Really, that's stupid. Because it's not genuine, true, romantic love…" Remus sighed. He could really be too much of a hopeless little romantic sometimes.

"Like Lily and I will soon have," said James.

"**What were you saying?" Ron asked Harry as they sat down.**

**"Later," Harry muttered as Percy stormed in.**

**Harry had no chance to speak to Ron or Hermione in the chaos of leaving; they were too busy heaving all their trunks down the Leaky Cauldron's narrow staircase and piling them up near the door, with Hedwig and Hermes, Percy's screech owl, perched on top in their cages. A small wickerwork basket stood beside the heap of trunks, spitting loudly.**

**"It's all right, Crookshanks," Hermione cooed through the wickerwork. "I'll let you out on the train."**

**"You won't," snapped Ron. "What about poor Scabbers, eh?"**

**He pointed at his chest, where a large lump indicated that Scabbers was curled up in his pocket.**

"Yeah," said Peter. "You defend that rat. You tell her, Ron!"

**Mr. Weasley, who had been outside waiting for the Ministry cars, stuck his head inside.**

**"They're here," he said. "Harry, come on."**

**Mr. Weasley marched Harry across the short stretch of pavement toward the first two old-fashioned dark green cars, each of which was driven by a furtive-looking wizard wearing a suit of emerald velvet.**

"Hey! Stop looking so furtive!" said James. "If you're so sly and sneaky then maybe it's a bad idea if Harry gets in that car with you! It's like they always say! Don't get into cars with strangers!"

**"In you get, Harry," said Mr. Weasley, glancing up and down the crowded street.**

**Harry got into the back of the car, and was shortly joined by Hermione, Ron, and, to Ron's disgust, Percy.**

**The journey to King's Cross was very-**

"Smelly," said James and Sirius at the same time. As soon as they realized this, an ugly look passed over their faces and they side-glanced at each other.

"Wormtail," said Sirius. "Tell Prongs that he's not allowed to say the same things as me at the same time."

"Okay…" said Peter. "Prongs, Padfoot says that your not allowed to say the same things as him at the same time."

"Well then, you tell Padfoot that he needs to develop his own brain and stop trying to copy mine," said James.

"Prongs says that you need to develop your own brain and stop trying to copy his."

"I am not! Tell Prongs that I would never want to copy his brain, because someone who did that would have to be even stupider than he is!"

"Padfoot says that-"

"Moony says that everyone needs to stop insulting each other and having messages be passed to each other and just continue listening to the story!" interrupted Remus loudly. His three friends all turned to look at him.

"Oh… yeah… right."

**-uneventful compared with Harry's trip on the Knight Bus. The Ministry of Magic cars seemed almost ordinary, though Harry noticed that they could slide through gaps that Uncle Vernon's new company car certainly couldn't have managed.**

"Of course not. He's a Muggle with a horrible Muggle car," said Sirius.

"He is a Muggle with a bad Muggle car because he's horrible to my son. That's why he doesn't have a good car like that!" said James.

**They reached King's Cross with twenty minutes to spare; the Ministry drivers found them trolleys, unloaded their trunks, touched their hats in salute to Mr. Weasley, and drove away, somehow managing to jump to the head of an unmoving line at the traffic lights.**

**Mr. Weasley kept close to Harry's elbow all the way into the station.**

"What? Do you want to steal his elbow or something?" James asked the book.

"Stop being so stupid!" Sirius yelled at him, not looking at James, and forgetting that Peter was supposed to be the messenger. "It's the least Mr. Weasley can do to try and watch Harry until he leaves for Hogwarts, since apparently I'm going to want to murder him!"

"Me? Stupid? You really think so? I'm the one who's been concerned for Harry's safety, and all you've been doing is making all these ridiculous comments and turning out to be a madman after my son, and you keep singing stupid songs!" James shouted back, also forgetting about Peter being the messenger.

"You were the one who wanted to sing that song!"

"Does this mean I'm done being the messenger?" Peter asked them curiously.

"No!" yelled both James and Sirius

**"Right then," he said, glancing around them. "Let's do this in pairs, as there are so many of us. I'll go through first with Harry."**

**Mr. Weasley strolled toward the barrier between platforms nine and ten, pushing Harry's trolley and apparently very interested in the InterCity 125 that had just arrived at platform nine. With a meaningful look at Harry, he leaned casually against the barrier. Harry imitated him.**

"Monkey see, monkey do!" said Peter laughing.

"Hey! My son is not a monkey!" said James.

"Oho, look who's stupid now!" said Sirius.

"Please…don't…" said Remus. "Is it really so hard for you to stop yelling at each other?" he asked, though realizing that it was pointless to do so.

"Yes!" both James and Sirius said.

**In a moment, they had fallen sideways through the solid metal onto platform nine and three-quarters and looked up to see the Hogwarts Express, a scarlet steam engine, puffing smoke over a platform packed with witches and wizards seeing their children onto the train.**

**Percy and Ginny suddenly appeared behind Harry. They were panting and had apparently taken the barrier at a run.**

"Wouldn't it have been so funny if they crashed into the wall, though?" asked Sirius.

"Running into walls hurts, you know," said Remus. "I've done it a few times when I've gotten really sick and couldn't pay attention to where I'm going."

"And Prongs does it every time Lily passes by," said Peter. "Maybe that's why his head is so big…"

"I don't have a big head!" said James indignantly.

"But you have a lot of hair, so you have to have a large enough head to put it on."

**"Ah, there's Penelope!" said Percy, smoothing his hair and going pink again. Ginny caught Harry's eye, and they both turned away to hide their laughter as Percy strode over to a girl with long, curly hair, walking with his chest thrown out so that she couldn't miss his shiny badge.**

"Tell Prongs that sounds like something he would do when Evans is around," said Sirius to Peter.

"Padfoot says that that sounds like something you would do when Evans is around," said Peter to James.

"Tell Padfoot that he's just jealous that he doesn't have anyone to impress," said James to Peter.

"Prongs says that you're just jealous that you don't have anyone to impress," Peter said to Sirius.

"Tell Prongs that I do have people I impress! Like Emmeline and Anna and Saffron and Lita and Hestia and Phinona…" said Sirius to Peter.

"Padfoot says that he does have people he impresses, like Emmeline and Anna and Saffron and Lita and-"

"What is this, a game of telephone and a listing of girls?" Remus asked indignantly. "Now do you mind?"

"Mind what?" Peter asked. "I'm in the middle of a message!"

"You know perfectly well that you don't have to be a messenger because either one can hear just what the other is saying and just chooses to ignore it!" Remus pointed out.

"I don't choose to ignore it!" said James. "I just don't like having to listen to what that git says!"

"Yeah!" said Sirius. "I can't hear a word Prongs is saying, and I can't believe he just called me a git!"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes, that's being oblivious to what he's saying. Can I just keep reading?"

"Go on then."

**Once the remaining Weasleys and Hermione had joined them, Harry and Ron led the way to the end of the train, past packed compartments, to a carriage that looked quite empty. They loaded the trunks onto it, stowed Hedwig and Crookshanks in the luggage rack, then went back outside to say good-bye to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.**

**Mrs. Weasley kissed all of her children, then Hermione, and finally, Harry. He was embarrassed, but really quite pleased, when she gave him an extra hug.**

"Awww," said James.

**"Do take care, won't you, Harry?" she said as she straightened up, her eyes oddly bright. Then she opened her enormous handbag and said, "I've made you all sandwiches…Here you are, Ron…no, they're not corned beef…Fred? Where's Fred? Here you are, dear…"**

"Eww, corned beef is nasty," said Peter. "Fred's stupid for liking it."

"No, Fred is cool!" said Sirius. "And so is George!"

**"Harry," said Mr. Weasley quietly, "come over here for a moment."**

**He jerked his head toward a pillar, and Harry followed him behind it, leaving the others crowed around Mrs. Weasley.**

"Yay, sandwich party," said Peter randomly.

**"There's something I've got to tell you before you leave-" said Mr. Weasley, in a tense voice.**

"I love you, Harry!" yelled Sirius, pretending to be Mr. Weasley.

"Tell Padfoot that's not funny," said James, who looked like he had just laughed against his own will and was now coughing.

"Prongs says that that's not funny," said Peter.

**"It's all right, Mr. Weasley," said Harry. "I already know."**

**"You know? How could you know?"**

"Love is obvious when not blind," said Sirius.

"Come off of it, they're not in love with each other," said Remus.

"Yep. Sounds like someone's being pretty stupid," said James innocently.

**"I-er- I heard you and Mrs. Weasley talking last night. I couldn't help hearing," Harry added quickly. "Sorry-"**

**"That's not the way I'd have chosen for you to find out," said Mr. Weasley, looking anxious.**

**"No- honestly, it's okay. This way, you haven't broken your word to Fudge and I know what's going on."**

"Oh no," said Sirius, coming out of his silly moment and looking tense. "Don't tell me they're talking about…"

**"Harry, you must be very scared-"**

**"I'm not," said Harry sincerely**_._

"Yeah, he's not," said James huffily.

**"Really," he added, because Mr. Weasley was looking disbelieving. "I'm not trying to be a hero, but seriously, Sirius Black-**

Sirius snorted suddenly. "Ha ha!"

"I thought you didn't like the name pun," said Remus.

"Well that just sounded funny," Sirius said.

"It wasn't funny the first time, and it's not funny now."

"Well you're just boring, that's what you are."

**-can't be worse than Voldemort, can he?"**

Remus flinched slightly at just the thought of Voldemort. Voldemort had already been gaining so much power and killing so many wizards, and it seemed horrible if he'd kill more in the future. However, Sirius was still hung up over the fact that his future self might be worse than Voldemort.

"No! I'm not!" said Sirius. "I'm not even evil!"

"Not yet," said Peter.

"Shut up! I'm not paying you to be my messenger and insult me!"

"You're not paying me at all!"

"Exactly!"

**Mr. Weasley flinched at the sound of the name but overlooked it.**

**"Harry, I knew you were, well, made of stronger stuff than Fudge seems to think, and I'm obviously pleased that you're not scared, but-"**

**"Arthur!" called Mrs. Weasley, who was now shepherding the rest onto the train. "Arthur, what are you doing? It's about to go!"**

**"He's coming, Molly!" said Mr. Weasley, but he turned back to Harry and kept talking in a lower and more hurried voice. "Listen, I want you to give me your word-"**

**"-that I'll be a good boy and stay in the castle?" said Harry gloomily.**

**"Not entirely," said Mr. Weasley, who looked more serious than Harry had ever seen him.**

"No you don't, you don't look like me at all!" said Sirius.

**"Harry, swear to me you won't go looking for Black."**

"What?" Sirius asked.

"What?" James asked.

**Harry stared. "What?"**

**There was a loud whistle. Guards were walking along the train, slamming all the doors shut.**

"Hurry up, Mr. Weasley! My son is not going to miss going to Hogwarts!" yelled James.

**"Promise me, Harry," said Mr. Weasley, talking more quickly still, "that whatever happens-"**

**"Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?" said Harry blankly.**

"Yeah!" said James, slowly turning his head sideways to look at Sirius. "_Why would he?_"

Sirius continued to stare at the wall and act as if he had not heard James' comment.

**"Swear to me that whatever you might hear-"**

**"Arthur, quickly!" cried Mrs. Weasley.**

**Steam was billowing from the train; it had started to move.**

"RUN, HARRY, RUN!" screamed James. "LEAVE MR. WEASLEY THERE! IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL! RUN, RUN!"

**Harry ran to the compartment door and Ron threw it open and stood back to let him on. They leaned out of the window and waved at Mr. and Mrs. Weasley until the train turned a corner and blocked them from view.**

"Phew," said James. "Harry got on the train!"

**"I need to talk to you in private," Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione as the train picked up speed.**

**"Go away, Ginny," said Ron.**

**"Oh, that's nice," said Ginny huffily, and she stalked off.**

"I know, isn't it?" said James. "Tell Padfoot to go away."

"Prongs says 'go away'," said Peter.

"Ha, I don't think so," retorted Sirius.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione set off down the corridor, looking for an empty compartment, but all were full except for the one at the very end of the train.**

**This had only one occupant, a man sitting fast asleep next to the window. Harry, Ron, and Hermione checked on the threshold. The Hogwarts Express was usually reserved for students and they had never seen an adult there before, except for the witch who pushed the food cart.**

"Mmm, and that food cart's good," said Peter.

"Yeah, we know you think so," said Sirius. "I mean _how_ much of it do you buy when we're on the train?"

"Um- just enough to get through the train ride…" Peter said, looking around the room.

"And in your case, that's basically most of the food. No wonder you're not athletic, Wormtail! You need to stop eating those cauldron cakes."

"I don't see you telling Moony to lay off the chocolate!" Peter said sulkily.

Remus, who happened to be in the state of trying to pull a chocolate bar out of one of his pockets without the other boys noticing, quickly stuffed it back in his pocket.

"Well, Moony's different. He's not stuffing his face all the time," said Sirius.

"I do not stuff my face!" Peter said. "That's what you and Prongs do at mealtimes!"

"But at least we don't dribble our sundaes down our faces," said Sirius shrewdly.

Peter looked away.

**The stranger was wearing an extremely shabby set of wizard's robes that had been darned in several places. He looked ill and exhausted. Though quite young, his light brown hair was flecked with gray.**

**"Who d'you reckon he is?" Ron hissed as they sat down and slid the door shut, taking the seats farthest away from the window.**

"I reckon he's an old fart," said Sirius. "His description makes him sound like one."

Remus glanced down at the next few lines, his eyes widened, and then he looked up at Sirius and coughed. "That old fart you're talking about would happen to be me."

"What?" asked Sirius, astonished. "What are you talking about?"

Remus read on.

**"Professor R. J. Lupin," whispered Hermione at once.**

Remus looked back up, still marveling at the fact that he had just been mentioned. "That's my last name. It's my first two initials as well. Remus John. It's my name. Remus John Lupin. It's me."

"Er, did I just say 'old fart'?" said Sirius quickly. "I mean, intelligent, kind, smart, caring, wonderful friend of mine, buddy ol' pal!"

"Right, I'm sure you did."

"You know I _luurve_ you, Moony," said Sirius, swinging his arm around Remus.

"Erm…" said Remus, looking at Sirius. "Er…Are you drunk?"

"Nope," said Sirius.

Remus blinked. "Um…So back with the story here…"

**"How'd you know that?"**

**"It's on his case," she replied, pointing at the luggage rack over the man's head, where there was a small, battered case held together with a large quantity of neatly knotted string. The name 'Professor R. J. Lupin' was stamped across one corner in peeling letters.**

"Wow, sorry about your bag," said James. "But hey! Now you've joined me and _him_ in the story!" He looked at Peter. "Where are you?"

"I dunno," said Peter. "Maybe I'm not in it."

**"Wonder what he teaches?" said Ron, frowning at Professor Lupin's pallid profile.**

**"That's obvious," whispered Hermione. "There's only one vacancy, isn't there? Defense Against the Dark Arts."**

"Ooh, Defense Against the Dark Arts!" said Sirius. "I wonder why Snivellus isn't teaching that since he seems to love it so… Oh well, Moony, I bet you're a better teacher."

"I hope so," said Remus. "What if I'm not a good teacher?"

"You're bound to be. You're smart," said Sirius.

"It's more than just being smart," said Remus.

"Well, being smart helps."

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione had already had two Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, both of whom had lasted only one year. There were rumors that the job was jinxed.**

Remus frowned. "Oh, well that's real encouraging."

"Never mind that," said James. "You can unjinx it or something. Uh, if it really is jinxed, I mean…"

**"Well, I hope he's up to it," said Ron doubtfully. "He looks like one good hex would finish him off, doesn't he?"**

Remus laughed. "Heh, you try being a werewolf, Ron. Then see what you look like."

"Really hairy," said Peter. "And big and scary when you're only the size of a little rat like me!"

**"Anyway…" He turned to Harry. "What were you going to tell us?"**

**Harry explained all about Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's argument and the warning Mr. Weasley had just given him. When he'd finished, Ron looked thunderstruck, and Hermione had her hands over her mouth. She finally lowered them to say, "Sirius Black escaped to come after you?"**

"No! I don't want to!" yelled Sirius.

**"Oh, Harry…you'll have to be really, really careful. Don't go looking for trouble, Harry-"**

**"I don't go looking for trouble," said Harry, nettled. "Trouble usually finds me."**

"Oh, that's nice to know," said James. "My poor son…all he goes through…Okay, trouble can be good…But not from people like _him."_

**"How thick would Harry have to be, to go looking for a nutter who wants to kill him?" said Ron shakily.**

"Great. Now I'm being called a nutter," said Sirius tonelessly.

"Well, you sort of are," said Peter.

"Don't start your nastiness with me again!"

**They were taking the news worse than Harry had expected.**

"Well how else did you expect them to take it, Harry?" James asked.

**Both Ron and Hermione seemed to be much more frightened of Black than he was.**

**"No one knows how he got out of Azkaban," said Ron uncomfortably. "No one's ever done it before. And he was a top-security prisoner too."**

"Ha ha, and I escaped!" said Sirius triumphantly. "But that's not good…I guess…yeah…If I'm a murderer then I guess I should stay there…with my soul sucked…gone forever…lost…"

**"But they'll catch him, won't they?" said Hermione earnestly. "I mean, they've got all the Muggles looking out for him too…"**

**"What's that noise?" said Ron suddenly.**

"It's _him_!" James shrieked. "Tell Padfoot that he's not allowed to try and kill my son on the train! That's just not nice!"

Peter began his messenger duty again and said to Sirius, "Prongs says that you're not allowed to try and kill his son on the train. It's not nice."

"Tell Prongs that- no, I'm done with this. He just keeps yelling at me," said Sirius, crossing his arms.

**A faint tinny sort of whistle was coming from somewhere. They looked all around the compartment.**

**"It's coming from your trunk, Harry," said Ron, standing up and reaching into the luggage rack.**

"You're in my son's trunk?" James asked.

"No! No I'm not! How would I get in his trunk, or fit it in, or go in unsuspected or anything? Just shut up and listen!"

"Listen to what?"

"What do you think? The winds of change. No, I'm talking about the book! Shut up and stop yelling and accusing me!"

"Really, because I believe that you are the one who's yelling."

**A moment later he had pulled the Pocket Sneakoscope out from between Harry's robes. It was spinning very fast in the palm of Ron's hand and glowing brilliantly.**

**"Is that a Sneakoscope?" said Hermione interestedly, standing up for a better look.**

**"Yeah…mind you, it's a very cheap one," Ron said. "It went haywire just as I was tying it to Errol's leg to send it to Harry."**

**"Were you doing anything untrustworthy at the time?" said Hermione shrewdly.**

**"No! Well…I wasn't supposed to be using Errol. You know he's not really up to long journeys…but how else was I supposed to get Harry's present to him?"**

"Yeah, who cares? Just be a good friend and send Harry his present. After all, it's so sad that he's never gotten any before…" said James.

**"Stick it back in the trunk," Harry advised as the Sneakoscope whistled piercingly, "or it'll wake him up."**

**He nodded toward Professor Lupin. Ron stuffed the Sneakoscope into a particularly horrible pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks, which deadened the sound, then closed the lid of the trunk on it.**

"Eww!" said Peter. "Why would he have Uncle Vernon's old socks? That's nasty!"

"Yeah, I bet he sweats in them," moaned James. "That's just unsanitary. You can't force my son to wear those!"

**"We could get it checked in Hogsmeade," said Ron, sitting back down. "They sell that sort of thing in Dervish and Banges, magical instruments and stuff. Fred and George told me."**

"Yeah! Dervish and Banges!" said Sirius. "That place rocks!"

**"Do you know much about Hogsmeade?" asked Hermione keenly. "I've read it's the only entirely non-Muggle settlement in Britain-"**

**"Yeah, I think it is," said Ron in an offhand sort of way, "but that's not why I want to go. I just want to get inside Honeydukes!"**

"Mmm," said Remus, stopping. "Lovely shop, that is. They have very good chocolate."

**"What's that?" said Hermione.**

"It's a duke made of honey," said James, pretending to be stupid.

**"It's this sweetshop," said Ron, a dreamy look coming over his face, "where they've got everything…Pepper Imps- they make you smoke at the mouth-"**

"Oh yeah, you bet they do," said Peter. "It took two hours for the smoke to stop coming out of my mouth that one time.

**"And great fat Chocoballs full of strawberry mousse and clotted cream-"**

"One time I saw Evans eating one of those and a bit of the strawberry mouse got on her lips," said James, also looking dreamy, "but she still looked so beautiful in it, it was like it highlighted her lips, which are so pretty, and-"

Sirius coughed loudly as if to say he wanted James to shut up.

**"And really excellent sugar quills, which you can suck in class and just look like you're thinking what to write next-"**

"Ooh, and that's fun," Peter commented.

**"But Hogsmeade's a very interesting place, isn't it?" Hermione pressed on eagerly. "In _Sites of Historical Sorcery_ it says the inn was the headquarters for the 1612 goblin rebellion, and the Shrieking Shack's supposed to be the most severely haunted building in Britain-"**

"Wow, do they actually still believe that?" Remus wondered. "It was really a good cover up of Dumbledore's…"

"Except, wouldn't it not have any noise if you don't use it anymore?" asked Peter. "Do you go there after Hogwarts still?"

"I really don't know, since we haven't left Hogwarts yet," Remus pointed out. He sighed. "I don't really want to leave either…"

"I'll never be able to hex Snivellus and get him publicly humiliated properly like I can now when we leave Hogwarts," added James.

**"-and massive sherbet balls that make you levitate a few inches off the ground while you're sucking them," said Ron, who was plainly not listening to a word Hermione was saying.**

"Don't think I would either," said Peter. "She knows too much. I bet she'll make my brain hurt."

"Doesn't it always hurt?" said Sirius.

**Hermione looked around at Harry.**

**"Won't it be nice to get out of school for a bit and explore Hogsmeade?"**

**"'Spect it will," said Harry heavily. "You'll have to tell me when you've found out."**

**"What do you mean?" said Ron. **

**"I can't go. The Dursleys didn't sign my permission form, and Fudge wouldn't either."**

"Oh, I nearly forgot about that!" James said. "It's not fair! Harry just has to go! How else will he follow in my footsteps?"

**Ron looked horrified.**

"Which is nothing compared to how I feel!" said James.

**"You're not allowed to come? But- no way- McGonagall or someone will give you permission-"**

**Harry gave a hollow laugh. Professor McGonagall, head of Gryffindor House, was very strict.**

"Mmm hmm," said Sirius. "The number of times she's said '_Mr. Black! Your work is unacceptable!' _and '_Mr. Black! Stop running in the halls!'_ and '_Mr. Black! Twenty points from Gryffindor!'_"

**"-or we can ask Fred and George, they know every secret passage out of the castle-"**

"Yeah!" said James excitedly. "Fred and George are cool! They can help my son get to Hogsmeade!"

"Hey!" said Sirius. "Why do they know every secret passage out of the castle? That's what we know! Actually, we don't know it yet, but when we're done with the Map we will!"

**"Ron!" said Hermione sharply. "I don't think Harry should be sneaking out of school with Black on the loose-"**

**"Yeah, I expect that's what McGonagall will say when I ask for permission," said Harry bitterly.**

"No!" shouted James. "Harry must go to Hogsmeade! Wait! No! Not if _he's_ after him! But if he doesn't go, how shall he learn to be mischievous? But- but…" James was obviously torn between wanting Harry to go to Hogsmeade and wanting him not to go and be safe at Hogwarts.

**"But if we're with him," said Ron spiritedly to Hermione, "Black wouldn't dare-"**

**"Oh, Ron, don't talk rubbish," snapped Hermione. "Black's already murdered a whole bunch of people in the middle of a crowded street. Do you think he's going to worry about attacking Harry just because we're there?**_"_

"He should!" said James. "Aren't you, Padfoot?"

"Not particularly," Sirius yawned.

"Don't yawn at me!" James snapped.

"Good to hear it sounds like you're done with using a messenger," said Remus. "Didn't think that would last."

"Aww…" said Peter. "I was having fun. Please, can't I be the messenger some more?"

Sirius paused and considered this. "No."

"You're fired!" said James.

Peter crossed his arms and looked sulky. "Just tell me if you need me again. I'm here."

_She was fumbling with the straps of Crookshanks's basket as she spoke._

**"Don't let that thing out!" Ron said, but too late; Crookshanks leapt lightly from the basket, stretched, yawned, and sprang onto Ron's knees; the lump in Ron's pocket trembled and he shoved Crookshanks angrily away.**

"A trembling pocket…can't you just see that?" said James, laughing.

"It's not funny! Cats are crazy!" said Peter.

**"Get out of here!"**

**"Ron, don't!" said Hermione angrily.**

**Ron was about to answer back when-**

"Crookshanks landed on his face and blocked his vision," said Sirius.

"Hermione slapped him in the face," suggested Remus.

"Harry got out Hedwig and they all had an animal party in the compartment," said James.

"Moony woke and told them to shut up," said Peter.

**-Professor Lupin stirred. They watched him apprehensively, but he simply turned his head the other way, mouth slightly open, and slept on.**

Remus started laughing. "I'm sorry, it's just too funny reading about what I'm doing in the future when I'm sleeping…"

"Okay…so maybe I wasn't right, but I was the closest!" Peter pointed out.

**The Hogwarts Express moved steadily north and the scenery outside the window became wilder and darker while the clouds overhead thickened. People were chasing backward and forward past the door of their compartment. Crookshanks had now settled in an empty seat, his squashed face turned toward Ron, his yellow eyes on Ron's top pocket.**

**At one o'clock, the plump witch with the food cart arrived at the compartment door.**

"Yum, I love that cart!" said Peter again.

"From now on, I'm going to restrict you from buying anything on that cart," Sirius told him.

**"D'you think we should wake him up?" Ron asked awkwardly, nodding toward Professor Lupin. "He looks like he could do with some food."**

Remus frowned. "That's a little offensive. Is he trying to say I look anorexic?"

"Nah, probably just that you look really tired and ill and pale and skinny," said Sirius.

"Oh, thank you, Padfoot," said Remus sarcastically. "That's so nice to hear."

"It's true," said Peter. "You're kinda too skinny."

"And you're a chubby little rat," said Sirius, as James started coughing again so no one could tell he was laughing.

**Hermione approached Professor Lupin cautiously_._**

"Yeah, watch out, he's gonna bite ya!" said Sirius loudly.

"Hey! I thought we weren't going to have any more jokes about this?" Remus asked.

"Aww, c'mon. I really tried not to make anymore werewolf jokes and comments. But that just didn't work. Still, the point is, I tried!"

**"Er- Professor?" she said. "Excuse me- Professor?"**

**He didn't move.**

"Maybe someone murdered you!" said James, looking furtively at Sirius.

"I REFUSE TO BE ACCUSED FOR MORE DEATHS!" yelled Sirius. "I AM NOT A MURDERER!"

"Well, I mean, he's not moving…"

"Maybe I just don't move when I sleep!" said Remus. "Or maybe I just didn't hear Hermione because I was too lost in dream land!"

"Dream land is a fun place to be," added Peter.

"And don't worry, Moony. You don't really move too much when you sleep," Sirius added quietly, though nobody heard him.

**"Don't worry, dear," said the witch as she handed Harry a large stack of Cauldron Cakes. "If he's hungry when he wakes, I'll be up front with the driver."**

"Oooh," said Sirius provocatively. "She'll 'be up front with the driver'. What do you think that means?"

Remus smacked him on the back of the head. "I think that means you're too corrupted and your mind is too far down the gutter!"

Sirius pointed at James. "His fault."

"Is not!" James retorted.

**"I suppose he is asleep?" said Ron quietly as the witch slid the compartment door close. "I mean- he hasn't died, has he?"**

"Well, that would be pleasant. Hearing that you're in a book and finding out that you're dead," Remus said.

"I found out that _I_ was in a book and _I'm_ dead!" James said, frowning.

"Oops. I'm sorry, Prongs. Didn't mean to offend you or anything."

**"No, no, he's breathing," whispered Hermione, taking the Cauldron Cake Harry passed her.**

"See, you're alive," said James.

"It's alive! It's alive!" said Sirius.

"_With the sound of music_…" Peter sang in a mumble.

"What was that?" Remus asked. "Were you just singing 'The Sound of Music'?"

"…No," Peter said.

**He might not be very good company, but Professor Lupin's presence in their compartment had its uses. Midafternoon, just as it had started to rain, blurring the rolling hills outside the window, they heard footsteps in the corridor again, and their three least favorite people appeared at the door: Draco Malfoy, flanked by his cronies, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.**

"Malfoy!" James asked. "Snivellus thinks he's so cool because he's good friends with that rich guy who graduated a few years ago. Lucius Malfoy!"

"Narcissa started dating Lucius Malfoy a while ago…" said Sirius offhandedly, as if he was not purposely listening to James. "Perhaps it's their kid."

**Draco Malfoy and Harry had been enemies ever since they had met on their very first train journey to Hogwarts.**

"Oh, is that so?" said James. "I bet Harry kicked your arse, and you deserved it."

**Malfoy, who had a pale, pointed, sneering face, was in Slytherin House;**

"Nasty little Slytherin!" said James. "Always causing up trouble, those Slytherins are! Like Snivellus!"

**He played Seeker on the Slytherin Quidditch team, the same position that Harry played on the Gryffindor team_._**

"And I bet Harry does it a lot better than you!" yelled James.

**Crabbe and Goyle seemed to exist to do Malfoy's bidding. They were both wide and musclely; Crabbe was taller, with a pudding-bowl haircut and a very thick neck; Goyle had short, bristly hair and long, gorilla-ish arms.**

"Maybe he's really a gorilla," said Peter.

**"Well, look who it is," said Malfoy in his usual lazy drawl, pulling open the compartment door. "Potty and the Weasel."**

"WHAT?" yelped James. "You did not just call my son a toilet!"

**Crabbe and Goyle chuckled trollishly.**

**"I heard your father finally got his hands on some gold this summer, Weasley," said Malfoy. "Did you mother die of shock?"**

"Why, I oughta-" began James. "You can't insult my son's cool friend!"

**Ron stood up so quickly he knocked Crookshanks's basket to the floor. Professor Lupin gave a snort.**

"You snorted!" Sirius said, pointing at Remus and laughing. "You never snort! That's so funny!"

Unamused, Remus gave Sirius a look. "Maybe to you."

**"Who's that?" said Malfoy, taking an automatic step backward as he spotted Lupin.**

**"New teacher," said Harry, who got to his feet, too, in case he needed to hold Ron back. "What were you saying, Malfoy?"**

**Malfoy's pale eyes narrowed; he wasn't fool enough to pick a fight right under a teacher's nose.**

"And it was so helpful!" said James as though Remus had done one of the most respectful and best things in the world. "Thanks for snorting, Moony!"

"Erm, anytime," said Remus.

**"C'mon," he muttered resentfully to Crabbe and Goyle, and they disappeared.**

**Harry and Ron sat down again, Ron massaging his knuckles.**

**"I'm not going to take any crap from Malfoy this year," he said angrily. "I mean it. If he makes one more crack about my family, I'm going to get hold of his head and-"**

**Ron made a violent gesture in the air.**

**"Ron," hissed Hermione, pointing at Professor Lupin, "be careful…"**

"Oh, no, it's okay," said Remus. "I see people make enough violence anyway." He looked ominously at James and Sirius.

"What? Why are you looking like that?" said Sirius innocently.

"Moony, I'm not violent," said James. "It's, er…self defense. You know what I mean!"

"I really don't know what you mean," Remus said.

**But Professor Lupin was still fast asleep.**

**The rain thickened as the train sped yet farther north; the windows were now a solid, shimmering gray, which gradually darkened until lanterns flicked into life all along the corridors and over the luggage racks. The train rattled, the rain hammered, the wind roared, but still, Professor Lupin slept.**

"Wow, you really _are_ a heavy sleeper," said Peter to Remus. "Are you sure you didn't die?"

"I'm probably just really tired," said Remus. "I can get like that, you know."

"Actually, I don't know until you know what I mean by self defense," said James.

**"We must be nearly there," said Ron, leaning forward to look past Professor Lupin at the now completely black window.**

**The words had hardly left him when the train started to slow down.**

"He must be a Seer!" said Sirius. "And he hasn't even gone to Divination yet."

**"We can't be there yet," said Hermione, checking her watch.**

"Oh, okay, maybe he's not…" said Sirius disappointedly.

**"So why're we stopping?"**

"Maybe a magic genie is coming to give Harry three wishes!" said James enthusiastically. "So he can wish to go to Hogsmeade, wish for a Firebolt, and…uh…wish for me and Lily, his lovely parents, to be alive because we're just too cool!"

**The train was getting slower and slower. As the noise of the pistons fell away, the wind and rain sounded louder than ever against the windows.**

**Harry, who was nearest the door, got up to look into the corridor. All along the carriage, heads were sticking curiously out of their compartments.**

**The train came to a stop with a jolt, and distant thuds and bangs told them that luggage had fallen out of the racks. Then, without warning, all the lamps went out, and they were plunged into total darkness.**

"Dun dun dun!" went Sirius.

"It's a new Dark Age!" said Peter.

**"What's going on?" said Ron's voice from behind Harry.**

**"Ouch!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my foot!"**

**Harry felt his way back to his seat.**

**"D'you think we've broken down?"**

**"Dunno…"**

**There was a squeaking sound_-_**

"Make some sound effects," Sirius said to Peter. "You can squeak. Go on, do it."

"…Squeak…Squeak…" said Peter.

"No, you're not doing it right! By order of me, I say squeak!"

Peter made a squeaking sound like a rat.

"There we go!"

**-and Harry saw the dim black outline of Ron, wiping a patch clean on the window and looking out.**

**"There's something moving out there," Ron said. "I think people are coming aboard…"**

**The compartment door suddenly opened and someone fell painfully over Harry's legs.**

"You can't fall on Harry's legs in a time of fear!" James growled. "Who was that?"

**"Sorry- d'you know what's going on? –Ouch- sorry-"**

**"Hullo, Neville," said Harry, feeling around in the dark and pulling Neville up by his cloak.**

**"Harry? Is that you? What's happening?"**

"Harry's apparently not getting a magic genie…" James sighed.

**"No idea- sit down-"**

**There was a loud hissing and a yelp of pain; Neville had tried to sit on Crookshanks.**

"Ow, bad idea," said Remus.

**"I'm going to go and ask the driver what's going on," came Hermione's voice. Harry felt her pass him, heard the door slide open again, and then a thud and two loud squeals of pain.**

**"Who's that?"**

**"Who's that?"**

**"Ginny?"**

**"Hermione?"**

**"What are you doing?"**

"Baking a cake," said Sirius.

**"I was looking for Ron-"**

**"Come in and sit down-"**

**"Not here!" said Harry hurriedly. "I'm here!"**

"Yeah! Harry's there!" said James.

**"Ouch!" said Neville.**

**"Quiet!" said a hoarse voice suddenly.**

**Professor Lupin appeared to have woken up at last.**

"About time," said Sirius.

**Harry could hear movements in his corner. None of them spoke.**

**There was a soft, crackling noise, and a shivering light filled the compartment. Professor Lupin appeared to be holding a handful of flames.**

"Wicked!" Peter said. "I want to be able to do that!"

**They illuminated his tired, gray face, but his eyes looked alert and wary.**

"Hmm, well at least I'm alert even if my face is gray…" Remus said.

**"Stay where you are," he said in the same hoarse voice, and he got slowly to his feet with his handful of fire held out in front of him.**

"Really, you think they'd go somewhere?" James asked.

"I'm just trying to protect them, I bet!" said Remus.

**But the door slid slowly open before Lupin could reach it.**

"…Why?" Sirius asked.

**Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. Its face was completely hidden beneath its hood. Harry's eyes darted downward, and what he saw made his stomach contract. There was a hand protruding from the cloak and it was glistening, grayish, slimy-looking, and scabbed, like something dead that had decayed in water…**

"No…it's not…" began Sirius.

"I think it's…" said Remus.

**But it was visible only for a split second. As though the creature beneath the cloak sensed Harry's gaze, the hand was suddenly withdrawn into the folds of its black cloak.**

**And then the thing beneath the hood, whatever it was, drew a long, slow, rattling breath, as though it was trying to suck something more that air from its surroundings.**

"No, it's not, no it's not!" Sirius yelled.

"I'll never forget the day I told Lily about them! If they're…" James said.

**An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart…**

"Ahhh!" yelled James. "Don't make my son have a heart attack!"

**Harry's eyes rolled up into his head.**

"Eww, that's weird!" said Peter.

**He couldn't see.**

"Well of course he can't, not with his eyes like that," Peter added.

"Oh no, he's blind!" said James.

**He was drowning in cold.**

"Harry's going to get frostbite!" worried James.

**There was a rushing in his ears as though of water. He was being dragged downward, the roaring growing louder…**

"Make it stop!" yelled James. "It can't do this to Harry!"

"Do you want me to stop reading?" Remus asked.

"No!" yelled James. "Keep going!"

**And then, from far away, he heard screaming, terrible, terrified, pleading screams_._**

"Harry's hearing me!" shouted James, still going hysterical.

"Either that or he's hearing Sirius," said Remus, nodding at Sirius who was not aware of the surroundings and kept shouting things like "No it's not!" and "Noooo!"

**He wanted to help whoever it was, he tried to move his arms, but couldn't…**

"Who sawed off Harry's arms?" demanded James.

"Nobody sawed off Harry's arms!" Remus said, rolling his eyes at this.

**A thick white fog was swirling around him, inside him-**

**"Harry! Harry! Are you all right?"**

"Do you think he'd be?" James asked sarcastically.

**Someone was slapping his face.**

**"W-what?"**

**Harry opened his eyes; there were lanterns above him, and the floor was shaking- the Hogwarts Express was moving again and the lights had come back on. He seemed to have slid out of his seat onto the floor. Ron and Hermione were kneeling next to him, and above them he could see Neville and Professor Lupin watching. Harry felt very sick; when he put up his hand to push his glasses back on, he felt cold sweat on his face.**

**Ron and Hermione heaved him back onto his seat.**

**"Are you okay?" Ron asked nervously.**

"No! He's not!" yelled James. "Stop asking!"

**"Yeah," said Harry, looking quickly toward the door.**

"Uh…I mean…yeah…Harry's fine," said James.

**"What happened? Where's that- that thing? Who screamed?"**

Peter pointed at James and Sirius. "They did."

"Did not!" said Sirius.

"I was just being concerned for my son's safety, you know!" James said. "Because I'm a good father! Even though I'm dead!"

**"No one screamed," said Ron, more nervously still.**

"What do you mean nobody screamed?" James asked. "Are you trying to say that my son is insane and hears people screaming in his head?"

**Harry looked around the bright compartment. Ginny and Neville looked back at him, both very pale.**

**"But I heard screaming-"**

**A loud snap made them all jump. Professor Lupin was breaking an enormous slab of chocolate into pieces.**

Remus laughed about what he just read himself do. Peter blinked. "No doubt about it, that's definitely Moony."

**"Here," he said to Harry, handing him a particularly large piece**_._

"Aww, that's so nice Moony!" said James. "Sharing your chocolate with Harry! Because you know he needs it!"

**"Eat it. It'll help."**

"Yeah, it's definitely Moony," said Sirius. "Only he would say 'Eat it. It'll help'. Because only you would know, wouldn't you?"

"Perhaps…" said Remus.

**Harry took the chocolate but didn't eat it.**

"Well, why not?" asked Remus. "It's perfectly good chocolate!"

**"What was that thing?" he asked Lupin.**

**"A dementor," said Lupin, who was now giving chocolate to everyone else. "One of the dementors of Azkaban."**

"I knew it!" screamed Sirius. "NO!"

"I hate those dementors," said James. "I wish we could just get rid of them all…"

"Me too," said Peter. "They're much too creepy. I sure wouldn't want to be in Azkaban."

**Everyone stared at him. Professor Lupin crumpled up the empty chocolate wrapper and put it in his pocket.**

**"Eat," he repeated. "It'll help. I need to-"**

"-take a pee," finished Sirius.

"Sirius!" grumbled Remus as James and Peter started snickering. "You're just nasty! You're ruining my part in the book! It didn't say that I had to pee at all."

**"-speak to the driver, excuse me…"**

**He strolled past Harry and disappeared into the corridor.**

**"Are you sure you're okay, Harry?" said Hermione, watching Harry anxiously**_._

"You keep asking him!" said James exasperatedly. "Though on the other hand, it's great that you care about him to keep asking. Aww, maybe Harry's got a little girlfriend…"

**"I don't get it…What happened?" said Harry, wiping more sweat off his face.**

"Get some deodorant!" said Peter.

"Hey!" said James, glaring at Peter. "My son doesn't smell! He just fainted from a dementor attack!"

**"Well- that thing- the dementor- stood there and looked around (I mean, I think it did, I couldn't see its face)- and you- you-"**

**"I thought you were having a fit or something," said Ron, who still looked scared. "You went sort of rigid and fell our of your seat and started twitching-"**

**"And Professor Lupin stepped over you, and walked toward the dementor, and pulled out his wand," said Hermione, "and he said, 'None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go.' But the dementor didn't movie, so Lupin muttered something, and a silvery thing shot out of his wand at it, and it turned around and sort of glided away…"**

"You saved Harry!" cheered James. "Thank you, Moony!"

"You're welcome," said Remus, a bit pleased with himself for already being so responsible.

**"It was horrible," said Neville, in a higher voice than usual.**

"What, is he turning into a girl or something?" asked Sirius.

**"Did you feel how cold it go when it came in?"**

**"I felt weird," said Ron, shifting his shoulders uncomfortably. "Like I'd never be cheerful again…"**

**Ginny, who was huddled in her corner looking nearly as bad as Harry felt, gave a small sob; Hermione went over and put a comforting arm around her.**

**"But didn't any of you- fall off your seats?" said Harry awkwardly.**

**"No," said Ron, looking anxiously at Harry again. "Ginny was shaking like mad, though…"**

"But why didn't anybody else fall? What's wrong with Harry?" asked James.

**Harry didn't understand. He felt weak and shivery, as though he were recovering from a bad bout of flu; he also felt the beginning of shame. Why had he gone to pieces like that, when no one else had?**

"I don't know!" said James. "But I still love you, son! Just don't go all wimpy!"

**Professor Lupin had come back. He paused as he entered, looked around, and said, with a small smile, "I haven't poisoned that chocolate, you know…"**

"Of course I haven't!" said Remus. "Why would I do that? That'd just be incriminating the chocolate and myself. Silly…"

"_Do_ you poison chocolate?" asked Peter suspiciously.

"No!" replied Remus indignantly. "That's horrible."

**Harry took a bite and to his great surprise felt warmth spread suddenly to the tip of his fingers and toes.**

"And that's just part of the magic of chocolate," said Remus.

**"We'll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes," said Professor Lupin. "Are you all right, Harry?"**

"Harry's commonly asked question of the day," said James. " 'Are you all right?'"

**Harry didn't ask how Professor Lupin knew his name.**

"Ah, he doesn't remember you?" said James. "Then again, it didn't sound like he knew much about me…"

**"Fine," he muttered, embarrassed.**

**They didn't talk much during the remainder of the journey. At long last, the train stopped at Hogsmeade station, and there was a great scramble to get outside; owls hooted, cats meowed, and Neville's pet toad croaked loudly from under his hat.**

"Why is he keeping a toad under his hat?" asked Peter.

"Perhaps his toad was scared and just decided to hide under Neville's hat," said Remus.

**It was freezing on the tiny platform; rain was driving down in icy sheets.**

**"Firs' years this way!" called a familiar voice. Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned and saw the gigantic outline of-**

"The abominable snowman!" said Sirius. "Okay, yeah, I'm pretty sure it must be Hagrid, and think he's nice and everything. Just couldn't resist saying the snowman bit."

**-Hagrid at the end of the platform, beckoning the terrified-looking new students forward for their traditional journey across the lake.**

**"All right', you three?" Hagrid yelled over the heads of the crowd.**

"Stop asking that question!" yelled James. "Five times already! Five times!"

"Wormtail, tell Prongs that at least it sounds like people actually care about Harry!" said Sirius.

"Prongs, Padfoot says that at least it sounds like people actually care about Harry," Peter said.

James said nothing.

**They waved at him, but had no chance to speak to him because the mass of people around them was shunting them away along the platform. Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed the rest of the school along the platform and out onto a rough mud track, where at least a hundred stagecoaches awaited the remaining students, each pulled, Harry could only assume, by an invisible horse, because when they climbed inside and shut the door, the coach set off all by itself, bumping and swaying in procession.**

**The coach smelled faintly of mold and straw. Harry felt better since the chocolate, but still weak. Ron and Hermione kept looking at him sideways, as though frightened he might collapse again.**

**As the carriage trundled toward a pair of magnificent wrought iron gates, flanked with stone columns topped with winged boars, Harry saw two more towering, hooded dementors, standing guard on either side.**

"Ahh!" screamed James. "They're stalking him!"

"I really shudder to think at what this book has been doing for your sanity," said Remus.

**A wave of cold sickness threatened to engulf him again; he leaned back into the lumpy seat and closed his eyes until they had passed the gates. The carriage picked up speed on the long, sloping drive up to the castle; Hermione was leaning out of the tiny window, watching the many turrets and towers draw nearer. At last, the carriage swayed to a half, and Hermione and Ron got out.**

**As Harry stepped down, a drawling, delightful voice sounded in his hear.**

**"You fainted Potter? Is Longbottom telling the truth? You actually fainted?"**

**Malfoy elbowed past Hermione to block Harry's way up the stone steps to the castle, his face gleeful and his pale eyes glinting maliciously.**

"You leave my son alone!" said James.

"Or Moony will have to snort again!" said Sirius, causing Remus to pull a face at him a second later.

**"Shove off, Malfoy," said Ron, whose jaw was clenched.**

**"Did you faint as well, Weasley?" said Malfoy loudly. "Did the scary old dementor frighten you too, Weasley?"**

**"Is there a problem?" said a mild voice. Professor Lupin had gotten out of the next carriage.**

"Woohoo, Moony!" James said. "Always protecting and looking out for my son!"

**Malfoy gave Professor Lupin an insolent stare, which took in the patches on his robes and the dilapidated suitcase. With a tiny hint of sarcasm in his voice, he said, "Oh no-er- Professor," then he smirked at Crabbe and Goyle and led them up the steps into the castle.**

Remus sighed. "Oh no, I'm not going to have fun teaching him I bet."

"That wasn't nice!" said Sirius. "It's not your fault that your robes are all shabby and your suitcase is dilapidated. Maybe a little, but not really…"

**Hermione prodded Ron in the back to make him hurry, and the three of them joined the crowd swarming up the steps, through the giant oak front doors, into the cavernous entrance hall, which was lit with flaming torches, and house a magnificent marble staircase that led to the upper floors.**

**The door into the Great Hall stood open at the right; Harry followed the crowd toward it, but had barely glimpsed the enchanted ceiling, which was black and cloudy tonight when a voice called, "Potter! Granger! I want to see you both!"**

"Ooooooh!" said Peter in the tone school children often made when a fellow student was called to an office and everyone thought they were in trouble. "What'd he do now?"

"Shut up! He hasn't done anything!" said James.

**Harry and Hermione turned around, surprised. Professor McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher and head of Gryffindor House, was calling over the heads of the crowd. She was a stern looking witch who wore her hair in a tight bun; her sharp eyes were framed with square spectacles. Harry fought his way over to her with a feeling of foreboding: Professor McGonagall had a way of making him feel he must have done something wrong.**

James and Sirius sighed sadly at the same time and said, "Yeah, she does." Realizing they had just said the same thing, they looked in immediate opposite directions and pretended to not have heard anything.

**"There's no need to look so worried- I just want a word in my office," she told him.**

"But that still _does_ make students feel worried anyway," said Sirius.

**"Move along there, Weasley."**

**Ron stared as Professor McGonagall ushered Harry and Hermione away from the chattering crowd; they accompanied her across the entrance hall, up the marble staircase, and along a corridor.**

**Once they were in her office, a small room with a large, welcoming fire, Professor McGonagall motioned Harry and Hermione to sit down. She settled herself behind her desk and said abruptly, "Professor Lupin sent an owl ahead to say that you were taken ill on the train, Potter.**_"_

"Wow, Moony!" said James, grinning at Remus. "You're watching Harry so well! Why aren't you taking care of him instead of those Dursleys?"

Remus, who had grinned as well for the second, spoke and his grin faded. "Because I'd never be allowed to…you know…werewolf…"

"Oh…yeah…" said James, his grin fading too. "Well, at least you're still watching him here!" he added quickly. "That's what counts!"

**Before Harry could reply, there was a soft knock on the door and Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, came bustling in.**

**Harry felt himself going red in the face. It was bad enough that he'd passed out, or whatever he had done, without everyone making all this fuss.**

"Yeah…I so wasn't fussing or anything…" said James.

"Yeah you were," said Peter.

**"I'm fine," he said, "I don't need anything-"**

**"Oh, it's you, is it?" said Madam Pomfrey, ignoring this and bending down to stare closely at him. "I suppose you've been doing something dangerous again?"**

"Again?" asked James. "_Again?_" He paused. "Wicked. My son does dangerous stuff and lives!"

**"It was a dementor, Poppy," said Professor McGonagall.**

**They exchanged a dark look, and Madam Pomfrey clucked disapprovingly.**

**"Setting dementors around a school," she muttered, pushing back Harry's hair and feeling his forehead. "He won't be the last one who collapses. Yes, he's all clammy. Terrible things, they are, and the effect they have on people who are already delicate-"**

"Harry's not delicate!" said James angrily.

Remus glanced at the next line, and laughed. "I don't know how you do this."

"Do what?" James asked.

"The saying of the same thing Harry does. You also do it a lot with Padfoot," Remus answered.

"No he doesn't!" Sirius retorted.

"Sorry, Sirius…but you do…" Remus said.

**"I'm not delicate!" said Harry crossly.**

James began laughing. "Tell her!"

**"Of course you're not," said Madam Pomfrey absentmindedly, now taking his pulse.**

**"What does he need?" said Professor McGonagall crisply. "Bed rest? Should he perhaps spend tonight in the hospital wing?"**

"What!" exclaimed James. "No! It's his first night at Hogwarts! I'm his father and I say he's fine, so stop asking and he's not going in the hospital wing!"

"I quite agree," said Remus. "I've spent too much time there myself. I'm sick of it."

**"I'm fine!" said Harry, jumping up. The thought of what Draco Malfoy would say if he had to go to the Hospital Wing was torture.**

**"Well, he should have some chocolate, at the very least," said Madam Pomfrey, who was now trying to peer into Harry's eyes.**

**"I've already had some," said Harry. "Professor Lupin gave me some. He gave it to all of us."**

**"Did he, now?" said Madam Pomfrey approvingly. "So we've finally got a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who knows his remedies?"**

"Look, Moony, you're such a good teacher!" said Sirius.

"But I haven't even taught yet," said Remus.

"Still…it sounds like you will be," Sirius said.

Remus smiled. "Thanks."

**"Are you sure you feel all right, Potter?" Professor McGonagall said sharply.**

"Six times now! Six! You can only ask that question so many times!" yelled James.

**"Yes," said Harry.**

**"Very well. Kindly wait outside while I have a quick word with Miss Granger about her course schedule, then we can go down to the feast together."**

"Wait!" James said. "Hermione got to listen about Harry's dementor attack and how everyone was so worried! Why can't he stay in and listen about her course schedule? What's so discreet about it?"

**Harry went back into the corridor with madam Pomfrey, who left for the hospital wing, muttering to herself. He had to wait only a few minutes; then Hermione emerged looking very happy about something, followed by Professor McGonagall, and the three of them made their way back down the marble staircase to the Great Hall.**

**It was a sea of pointed black hats; each of the long House tables was lined with students, their faces glimmering by the light of thousands of candles; which were floating over the tables in midair. Professor Flitwick, who was a tiny little wizard with a shock of white hair-**

"More just like a midget," interrupted Peter.

**-was carrying an ancient hat and a three-legged stool out of the hall.**

**"Oh," said Hermione softly, "we've missed the Sorting!"**

"That's okay," said Sirius. "The faster the Sorting goes by, the faster you can eat."

**New students at Hogwarts were sorted into Houses by trying on the Sorting Hat, which shouted out the House they were best suited to (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, or Slytherin).**

"You'd think we'd never been to Hogwarts before," said Peter.

"Well, maybe the people who read this book haven't," said Remus. "I don't know what year it is in this book, but I guess it can't be too long from now. And if this wins a prize in 1999…then maybe Hogwarts burned down or something and this is a last memory of it. Or perhaps this is a book for Muggles to read."

"Muggles can't read this!" said Sirius. "That'd be kind of dumb, wouldn't it? I doubt that they'd care."

"What, are you getting to be an arrogant little pureblood now?" asked Remus.

"No, I'm not!" said Sirius angrily. "I'm just saying!"

**Professor McGonagall strode off toward her empty seat at the staff table, and Harry and Hermione set off in the other direction, as quickly as possible, toward the Gryffindor table. People looked around at them as they passed along the back of the hall, and a few of them pointed at Harry. Had the story of his collapsing in front of the dementor traveled that fast?**

**He and Hermione sat down on either side of Ron, who had saved them seats.**

**"What was all that about?" he muttered to Harry.**

**Harry started to explain in a whisper, but at that moment, the headmaster stood up to speak, and he broke off.**

**Professor Dumbledore, though very old, always gave an impression of great energy. He had several feet of long silver hair and bear, half-moon spectacles, and an extremely crooked nose. He was often described as the greatest wizard of the age, but that wasn't why Harry respected him. You couldn't help trusting Albus Dumbledore, and as Harry watched him beaming around at the students, he felt really calm for the first time since the dementor had entered the train compartment.**

"It's true, though," said Remus. "You can't help trusting Dumbledore."

"Yeah, Dumbledore rocks," agreed James.

**"Welcome!" said Dumbledore, the candlelight shimmering on his beard. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious-**

Sirius began laughing hysterically again.

"I don't understand!" said Remus. "How could you have thought that was the worst pun in the world an hour ago, and now you think it's hilarious?"

"Because I do!"  
_  
_**-I think it best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast…"**

**Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued, "As you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express, our school is presently playing host to some of the dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business.**

"Search!" asked James. "You call that a search? That wasn't a search! It was more like them trying to suck my son's soul out or something!"

**He paused, and Harry remembered what Mr. Weasley had said about Dumbledore not being happy with the dementors guarding the school.**

**"They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds," Dumbledore continued, "and while they are with us, I must make it plain that nobody is to leave school without permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises- or even Invisibility Cloaks," he added blandly, and Harry and Ron glanced at each other.**

"Dumbledore _knows _stuff," said Peter. "He scares me sometimes."

**"It is not in the nature of a dementor to understand pleading or excuses. I therefore warn each and every one of you to give them no reason to harm you. I look to the prefects, and our new Head Boy and Girl, to make sure that no student runs afoul of the dementors," he said.**

**Percy, who was sitting a few seats down from Harry, puffed out his chest again and stared around impressively.**

"I'm not impressed," said Sirius in a bored tone.

**Dumbledore paused again; he looked very seriously around the hall, and nobody moved or made a sound.**

**"On a happier note," he continued, "I am pleased to welcome two new teachers to our ranks this year.**

**"First, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."**

"Go Moony!" said Sirius loudly, and began clapping just as loud.

"Woohooo!" James cheered, clapping as well.

"Congratulations!" said Peter, also clapping, though just a bit softer than the racket James and Sirius were making.

"Thanks, you guys," said Remus, looking a bit bashful from the applause his friends were giving him.

**There was some scattered, rather unenthusiastic applause.**

"What?" asked Sirius.

"Come on, this is the best teacher in the world!" James added.

"Yeah," said Peter.

Remus laughed quietly. "It's okay, it's just the book, you really don't have to be mad…"

"Yes, I do!" said Sirius.

"Exactly!" said James. Both seemed to have forgotten how angry they were at the other at the moment.

"Clap harder!" yelled Sirius, who began clapping more noisily, and his hands were turning red. "Those idiots don't know good teachers when they see one!"

"What a bunch of dimwits!" said James, whose hands were also turning red. "How could Harry only give you unenthusiastic applause?"

"Really, it's okay, I don't mind," said Remus. "But thanks…a lot…you guys are the best."

"We're your friends, what else are we supposed to be?" asked James.

"I don't know," Sirius replied.

"Weren't you guys not talking to each other?" asked Peter, whom, for the record, hands had only barely turned pink from the clapping.

"Oh, yeah, that's right," said James, starting to look cross again. "Murderer," he muttered.

"Son-obsesser," mumbled Sirius, looking angry again.

**Only those who had been in the compartment on the train with Professor Lupin clapped hard, Harry among them.**

"Good. See, Harry is a good son, he was clapping hard for you!" said James.

**Professor Lupin looked particularly shabby next to all the other teachers in their best robes.**

"Poor Moony," said Sirius.

"I'm fine with it. It's okay," Remus reassured.

**"Look at Snape!" Ron hissed in Harry's ear.**

"Why would anyone _want_ to look at him?" asked Peter.

**Professor Snape-**

"How did he get to be a Professor?" demanded James.

**-the Potions master-**

"_Potions master?"_ asked James, dumbfounded. "He's too ugly and stupid to be a master!"

**-was staring along the staff table at Professor Lupin. It was common knowledge that Snape wanted the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, but even Harry, who hated Snape-**

"Smart, Harry," said James. "Everyone hates Snape, and Harry does too. I don't know what I'd have to do to my son if Snape was his favorite teacher…"

**-was startled at the expression twisting on his thin, sallow face. It was beyond anger: it was loathing.**

"Fine, loathe me all you want," said Remus. "I loathe you too."

"I second that!" James said loudly.

"I second that!" Sirius said, acting as if he hadn't heard James say that he'd seconded it before him.

"Uh… I fourth it?" said Peter, looking very confused on what number he was supposed to say.

**Harry knew that expression only too well; it was the look Snape wore every time he set eyes on Harry.**

"Hey! You can't look at my son like that!" shouted James.

**"As to our second new appointment," Dumbledore continued as the lukewarm applause for Professor Lupin died away. "Well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to tell you that his place will be filled by none other than Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties."**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at one another, stunned. Then they joined in with the applause, which was tumultuous at the Gryffindor table in particular. Harry leaned forward to see Hagrid, who was ruby-red in the face and staring down at his enormous hands, his wide grin hidden in the tangle of his black beard.**

**"We should've known!" Ron roared, pounding the table. "Who else would've assigned us a biting book?"**

"Er, a really crazy person?" asked Peter.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione were the last to stop clapping, and as Professor Dumbledore started speaking again, they saw that Hagrid was wiping his eyes on the tablecloth.**

"But that's unsanitary!" said Peter.

"What would you know about sanitation?" asked Sirius.

"Hey! I just thought he should get a napkin or something!" Peter retorted.

**"Well, I think that's everything of importance," said Dumbledore. "Let the feast begin!"**

**The golden plates and goblets before them filled suddenly with food and drink. Harry, suddenly ravenous, helped himself to everything he could reach and began to eat.**

"I bet those Dursleys don't feed him properly," grumbled James.

**It was a delicious feast; the hall echoed with talk, laughter, and the clatter of knives and forks. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, however, were eager for it to finish so that they could talk to Hagrid. They knew how much being made a teacher would mean to him. Hagrid wasn't a fully qualified wizard; he had been expelled from Hogwarts in his third year for a crime he had not committed. It had been Harry, Ron, and Hermione who had cleared Hagrid's name last year.**

"And Harry clears names too!" said James happily. "Oh, I love my son more and more."

**At long last, when the last morsels of pumpkin tart had melted from the golden platters, Dumbledore gave the word that it was time for them all to go to bed, and they got their chance.**

**"Congratulations, Hagrid!" Hermione squealed as they reached the teachers' table.**

**"All down ter you three," said Hagrid, wiping his shining face on his napkin as he looked up at them.**

"Which is kind of funny, because normally he'd be looking down at them," Sirius commented.

**"Can' believe it…great man, Dumbledore…came straight down to me hut after Professor Kettleburn said he'd had enough…It's what I always wanted…"**

**Overcome with emotion, he buried his face in his napkin, and Professor McGonagall shooed them away.**

"At least he got a napkin," said Peter.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione joined the Gryffindors streaming up to the marble staircase and, very tired now, along more corridors, up more and more stairs, to the hidden entrance to Gryffindor Tower. A large portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress asked them, "Password?"**

"Ah, she's still there," said Remus.

**"Coming through, coming through!" Percy called from behind the crowd. "The new password's 'Fortuna Major'!"**

**"Oh no," said Neville Longbottom sadly. He always had trouble remembering the passwords.**

"Ooh, well that's bad, isn't it?" Peter said.

**Through the portrait hole and across the common room, the girls and boys divided toward their separate staircases. Harry climbed the spiral stair with no thought in his head except how glad he was to be back. They reached their familiar, circular dormitory with its five four-poster beds, and Harry, looking around, felt he was home at last.**

"Aww, how nice," said James fondly. "He's home!"

"That's the end of chapter five," said Remus.

"Come on, keep going!" said Peter.

"Don't make us wait now!" said Sirius. "We have to go see you teach!"

"I told you, I may not be that good," said Remus.

"Stop putting yourself down, of course you will be. I'm the murderer here, so if I'm saying something nice, you better accept it!" Sirius protested.

"Can we just read the next chapter?" asked Peter again.

"We have to hear more about the wonderful things of my wonderful son!" said James eagerly.

So Remus turned the page and got ready to read the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

Remus cleared his throat and said, "Chapter Six. _Talons and Tea Leaves_."

"Talons and Tea Leaves?" asked Peter. "What kind of name is that?"

"It's the chapter title," said Remus. "Presumably, Harry will encounter talons and tea leaves, being that it's the name of the chapter."

"Come on, read," said Sirius.

**When Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the Great Hall for breakfast the next day, the first thing they saw was Draco Malfoy, who seemed to be entertaining a large group of Slytherins with a very funny story.**

"And what story is that?" asked James. "The story of how you got constipated on the toilet?"

"Prongs, stop being so gross," said Remus.

"Look who's corrupted now! I'm pretty innocent compared to _him_!" said Sirius, nodding at James.

"Actually, you're both equally corrupted," said Remus.

He paused.

"Okay, Sirius, maybe you're just a _little_ more corrupted."

"What? How?"

"You know…"

"No…"

"Well…"

"Yes…"

"Then…"

"Oh…"

"Mnn…"

"Ah…"

"My brain hurts," said Peter. "I have no idea what they were talking about."

"I think _he_," said James, nodding his head at Sirius, "is trying to make a new little secret code with Moony because _he_ doesn't have me as his best friend anymore, so _he_ is trying to get Moony as his best friend because it's not me, and _he_ needs to try to make it sound like there's something I don't know and understand so I get jealous about whatever they're talking about and then start talking to _him_ and try and get _him_ back as my best friend."

Miraculously James managed to say this all in one breath. Must've been all the Quidditch training.

"So…Now what about the book?" asked Peter. "That's not nearly as confusing. At the moment. Who knows, might get confusing later, but I'm fine with it now."

**As they passed, Malfoy did a ridiculous impression of a swooning fit and there was a roar of laughter.**

"You can't make fun of Harry!" James said angrily. "I forbid you!"

**"Ignore him," said Hermione, who was right behind Harry. "Just ignore him, it's not worth it…"**

"You can't just ignore this!" outraged James.

**"Hey, Potter!" shrieked Pansy Parkinson, a Slytherin girl with a face like a pug.**

"She must be pretty ugly looking, then," said Peter.

"You know what?" said Sirius. "If she looks like a pug, and she's a girl, then we would have reason enough to call her a-"

"But, we're not going to!" said Remus, interrupting Sirius. "Or, er, unless she really deserves it."

**"Potter! The dementors are coming, Potter! Woooooooo!"**

"That's it! She deserves it!" said James angrily. "Pansy's such a-"

**Harry dropped into a seat at the Gryffindor table, next to George Weasley.**

**"New third-year course schedules," said George, passing them over. "What's up with you, Harry?"**

**"Malfoy," said Ron, sitting down on George's other side and glaring over at the Slytherin table.**

**George looked up in time to see Malfoy pretending to faint with terror again.**

"Stop it! You nasty little Slytherin!" said James.

**"That little git," he said calmly. "He wasn't so cocky last night when the dementors were down at our end of the train. Came running into our compartment, didn't he, Fred?"**

**"Nearly wet himself," said Fred, with a contemptuous glance at Malfoy.**

James and Sirius both snorted and began laughing.

"Wish he _did_ wet himself!" laughed Sirius.

"A ha ha ha ha ha ha!" said James. "I knew you weren't so brave! I bet you're just a little wussy Malfoy! Ha ha ha! Nearly wet yourself, ha ha!"

Realizing they were agreeing on something, they abruptly stopped their laughter.

**"I wasn't too happy myself," said George. "They're horrible things, those dementors…"**

**"Sort of freeze your insides, don't they?" said Fred.**

**"You didn't pass out, though, did you?" said Harry in a low voice.**

**"Forget it, Harry," said George bracingly. "Dad had to go out to Azkaban one time, remember, Fred? And he said it was the worst place he'd ever been, he came back all weak and shaking…They suck the happiness out of a place, dementors. Most of the prisoners go mad in there."**

Sirius gave a nervous little shiver.

**"Anyway, we'll see how happy Malfoy looks after our first Quidditch match," said Fred. "Gryffindor versus Slytherin, first game of the season, remember?"**

**The only time Harry and Malfoy had faced each other in a Quidditch match, Malfoy had definitely come off worse.**

"Ha, yeah!" cheered James. "Harry's gonna kick your wussy little arse!"

**Feeling slightly more cheerful, Harry helped himself to sausages and fried tomatoes.**

**Hermione was examining her new schedule.**

**"Ooh, good, we're starting some new subjects today," she said happily.**

**"Hermione," said Ron, frowning as he looked over her shoulder, "they've messed up your schedule. Look- they've got you down for about ten subjects a day. There isn't enough time."**

"Ten subjects?" asked Peter. "That's way too many! As it is, the day's long enough…can't believe anyone would want to take ten classes."

**"I'll manage. I've fixed it all with Professor McGonagall."**

**"But look," said Ron, laughing, "see this morning? Nine o' clock, Divination."**

"Silly, silly people…" tutted Remus. "Divination is quite annoying and such a waste of time…"

**"And underneath, nine o'clock, Muggle Studies."**

"Which, again, makes no sense because she's already Muggleborn and knows about Muggles," said Sirius.

**"And" –Ron leaned closer to the schedule, disbelieving- "look- underneath that, Arithmancy, nine o'clock. I mean, I know you're good, Hermione, but no one's that good. How're you supposed to be in three classes at once?**_"_

"Yeah, what a little show-off," said Peter.

**"Well, then-"**

**"Pass the marmalade," said Hermione.**

**"But-"**

**"Oh, Ron, what's it to you if my schedule's a bit full?" Hermione snapped. "I told you, I've fixed it all with Professor McGonagall."**

"Okay, then," said James. "Good luck with that."

**Just then, Hagrid entered the Great Hall. He was wearing his long moleskin overcoat and was absentmindedly swinging a dead polecat from one enormous hand.**

"Don't tell me that's his new hobby," said Peter.

**"All righ'?" he said eagerly, pausing on the way to the staff table. "Yer in my firs' ever lesson! Right after lunch! Right after lunch! Bin up since five getting' everythin' ready…Hope it's okay…Me, a teacher…hones'ly…"**

"I can't decide which accent I hate hearing you do more," said Peter to Remus. "The Stan Shunpike one or the Hagrid one…"

**He grinned broadly at them and headed off to the staff table, still swinging the polecat.**

**"Wonder what he's been getting ready?" said Ron, a note of anxiety in his voice.**

"Maybe polecat swinging games," suggested Sirius.

"And just what does that have to do with teaching the subject Care of Magical Creatures?" asked Remus.

"How _not_ to take care of magical creatures," answered Sirius in a satisfied tone.

**The hall was starting to empty as people headed off toward their first lesson. Ron checked his course schedule.**

**"We'd better go, look, Divination's at the top of North Tower. It'll take us ten minutes to get there…"**

**They finished their breakfasts hastily, said good-bye to Fred and George, and walked back through the hall. As they passed the Slytherin table, Malfoy did yet another impression of a fainting fit.**

"I'll give you a _reason_ to faint, just you wait!" said James angrily.

**The shouts of laughter followed Harry into the entrance hall.**

"Shut up, you lot!" said James just as angrily to the book.

**The journey through the castle to North Tower was a long one. Two years at Hogwarts hadn't taught them everything about the castle, and they had never been inside North Tower before.**

**"There's- got- to- be- a- shortcut," Ron panted as they climbed their seventh long staircase and emerged on an unfamiliar landing, where there was nothing but a large painting of a bare stretch of grass hanging on the stone wall.**

**"I think it's this way," said Hermione, peering down the empty passage to the right.**

**"Can't be," said Ron. "That's south, look, you can see a bit of the lake out the window…_"_**

"Oh great!" said James exasperatedly. "Now my son is lost! If only he had the Marauder's Map!"

"If only it was finished, you mean?" asked Remus. "We've still got a long way to go on it."

"Well, we've got all of Hogwarts that we know so far on it! And a secret passage," said James. "We just have to put all the other stuff into it. Even so, he could still use the map as an ordinary one just to find Divination class!"

**Harry was watching the painting. A fat, dapple-gray pony had just ambled onto the grass and was grazing nonchalantly. Harry was used to the subjects of Hogwarts paintings moving around and leaving their frames to visit one another, but he always enjoyed watching it. A moment later, a short, squat knight in a suit of armor clanked into the picture after his pony. By the look of the grass stains on his metal knees, he had just fallen off.**

"Oh," said Peter. "I think I know who that is…"

**"Aha!" he yelled, seeing Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "What villains are these, that trespass upon my private lands! Come to scorn at my fall, perchance? Draw, you knaves, you dogs!"**

"Yes!" said Sirius in an annoyed tone. "It's Sir Cadogan! It has to be, who else would say that? I guess he's still there."

"I wish he wasn't," said James. "He's so annoying. And now he's going to annoy Harry and his friends!"

"Not to mention that he never shuts up," added Remus.

"Yeah," said Sirius to Remus. "There was that one time last year, and us three were under _his_ Invisibility Cloak to go join you at the Shrieking Shack, and we passed a portrait where Sir Cadogan was bothering these people, and he heard us, and he kept going on about it!" he said, shaking his head. "We just ran off, and he kept yelling…"

"What was it he said again?" asked Peter.

"Uh…I think it was something like…" James cleared his throat and began to do an impression of Sir Cadogan. "You rogues! Thieves behind an invisible lining! I know you're there! Go on and fight, ye cowards sneaking around at this time of a knight's resting sleep!"

Toward the end, it became a little too funny for James and his impression sort of faded out into laughter along with Remus, Sirius and Peter.

**They watched in astonishment as the little knight tugged his sword out of its scabbard and began brandishing it violently, hopping up in down in rage. But the sword was too long for him; a particularly wild swing made him overbalance, and he landed face down in the grass_._**

"Ha, and that's what you get, you loony," said Sirius.

**"Are you all right?" said Harry, moving closer to the picture.**

**"Get back, you scurvy braggart! Back, you rogue!"**

"Harry's not a scurvy braggart or a rogue!" said James angrily. "You are!"

"I see he's still using the same names," Peter commented on Sir Cadogan's words.

**The knight seized his sword again and used it to push himself back up, but the blade sank deeply into the grass and, though he pulled with all his might, he couldn't get it out again.**

"And that's what happens when you call my son a scurvy braggart!" said James triumphantly. "You don't get your sword. Nyah nyah."

**Finally, he had to flop back down onto the grass and push up his visor to mop his sweating face.**

**"Listen," said Harry, taking advantage of the knight's exhaustion, "we're looking for the North Tower. You don't know the way, do you?"**

**"A quest!" The knight's rage seemed to vanish instantly. He clanked to his feat and shouted, "Come, follow me, dear friends, and we shall find out goal, or else perish bravely in the charge!"**

"Erm, how about Harry, Ron and Hermione find their goal, and you just perish bravely in the charge?" suggested James.

**He gave the sword another fruitless tug, tried and failed to mount the fat pony, gave up, and cried, "On foot then, good sirs and gentle lady! On! On!"**

**And he ran, clanking loudly, into the left side of the frame and out of sight.**

**They hurried after him along the corridor, following the sound of his armor. Every now and then they spotted him running through a picture ahead.**

**"Be of stout heart, the worst is yet to come!" yelled the knight,-**

"What's the worst?" asked Peter.

"Probably that they're going to Divination class," answered Remus. "That's one of the worst things anyone could do."

**-and they saw him reappear in front of an alarmed group of women in crinolines, whose picture hung on the wall of a narrow spiral staircase.**

Sirius' eyes lit up with an answer. "I think that 'the worst' was that Sir Cadogan just disturbed those lovely ladies in their crinolines, and his armor ruined their beauty."

Remus rolled his eyes.

**Puffing loudly, Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed the tightly spiraling steps, getting dizzier and dizzier, until at last they heard the murmur of voices about them and knew they had reached the classroom.**

**"Farewell!" cried the knight, popping his head into a painting of some sinister-looking monks. "Farewell, my comrades-in-arms! If ever you have need of noble heart and steely sinew, call upon Sir Cadogan!"**

"Uh, I don't think so," said James.

**"Yeah, we'll call you," muttered Ron as the knight disappeared, "if we ever need someone mental."**

The boys all started laughing.

"Ron's got a point there," said Sirius. "Ron's cool."

**They climbed the last few steps and emerged onto a tiny landing, where most of the class was already assembled. There were no doors off this landing, but Ron nudged Harry and pointed at the ceiling, where there was a circular trapdoor with a brass plaque on it.**

**" 'Sibyll Trelawney, Divination teacher,'" Harry read. "How're we supposed to get up there?"**

"The ladder," said Peter, actually sounding wise, for he was taking Divination himself.

**As though in answer to his question, the trapdoor suddenly opened, and a silvery ladder descended right at Harry's feet.**

"Amazing," said Sirius sarcastically. "You actually got something right."

Meanwhile, Remus was frowning at the book. " 'A silvery ladder'?" he repeated. "Another reason exactly why I don't take Divination."

**Everyone got quiet.**

**"After you," said Ron, grinning, so Harry climbed the ladder first.**

**He emerged into the strangest-looking classroom he had ever seen. In fact, it didn't look like a classroom at all, more like a cross between someone's attic and an old-fashioned teashop. At least twenty small, circular tables were crammed inside it, all surrounded by chintz armchairs and fat little poufs. Everything was lit with a dim, crimson light; the curtains at the windows were all closed, and the many lamps were draped with dark red scarves. It was stiflingly warm, and the fire that was burning under the crowded mantelpiece was giving off a heavy, sickly sort of perfume as it heated a large copper kettle. The shelves running around the circular walls were crammed with dust_y-_looking feathers, stubs of candles, many packs of tattered playing cards, countless silvery crystal balls, and a huge array of teacups.**

"Wow," said James, who was also taking Divination. "I know that Divination is supposed to have all this stuff, but it sounds like this teacher's gone a little crazy."

**Ron appeared at Harry's shoulder as the class assembled around them, all talking in whispers.**

**"Where is she?" Ron said.**

"Maybe the fact that it's totally dark and hot and it smells like perfume made her fall asleep," said Remus. "Though it would be very unprofessional to fall asleep when you're supposed to be teaching…still… not like sleeping during class is uncommon…" he said, looking over at the rest of them.

"Don't look at me like that!" said Sirius. "I don't see how _you_ can stay awake during History of Magic! Me and Pr- ahem, _him_ get a nice nap so we're fully awake so we can pay good attention in Transfiguration. At least that's actually fun…sometimes."

"Besides, in the end, we still get good grades," said James.

"Only because you lot copy off my notes," said Remus.

"But we do all our own work on the tests, so that's what counts," Peter said.

"But still, you're-"

"Oh Moony, just get on with the story," said Sirius.

"Right, sorry, right…"

**A voice came suddenly out of the shadows, a soft, misty sort of voice.**

**"Welcome," it said. "How nice to see you in the physical world at last."**

"That's a silly way to greet a class," commented Remus. "What sort of world did she expect to see them in? The mental world?"

"Well in that case, I doubt anyone will be in the mental world a few lessons along," said James. "Wormtail doesn't pay attention in Divination."

"Yes I do!" said Peter. "Most of the time! Besides, you don't pay attention either!"

"Of course I'm paying attention," said James. "I'm attentive through out the whole lesson."

"No, you're just attentive at staring at the back of Lily's head, since she sits in front of you. That's not attentive, isn't it Moony?"

"Not particularly," replied Remus.

"I didn't say _what _I was attentive in, I just said I was attentive," James smirked.

**Harry's immediate impression was of a large, glittering insect. Professor Trelawney moved into the firelight, and they saw that she was very thin; her large glasses magnified her eyes to several times their natural size, and she was draped in a gauzy spangled shawl. Innumerable chains and beads hung around her spindly neck, and her arms and hands were encrusted with bangles and rings.**

"Oh yeah. I think this teacher's crazy," said Sirius.

**"Sit, my children, sit," she said, and they all climbed awkwardly into armchairs or sank onto poufs. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat themselves around the same round table.**

**"Welcome to Divination," said Professor Trelawney, who had seated herself in a winged armchair in front of the fire. "My name is Professor Trelawney. You may not have seen me before. I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Eye.**_"_

"Uh…okay," said Peter.

**Nobody said anything to this extraordinary pronouncement. Professor Trelawney delicately rearranged her shawl and continued, "So you have chosen to study Divination, the most difficult of all magical arts."**

"No," said Remus. "Just the most annoying and most full of rubbish."

**"I must warn you at the outset that if you do not have the Sight, there is very little I will be able to teach you. Books can take you only so far in this field…"**

**At these words, both Harry and Ron glanced, grinning, at Hermione, who looked startled at the news that books wouldn't be much help in this subject.**

**"Many witches and wizards, talented though they are in the area of loud bangs and smells and sudden disappearings-"**

"I think you needn't phrase it like that. You could just say 'the branches of magic that are traditional and make normal, logical sense, aren't wildly out of the ordinary, and aren't wasting your time trying to see things or do things you can't with objects of evil and daftness' would be sufficient," said Remus, interrupting his reading again.

"That was too long, and it had too many words in it," said Sirius, shaking his head. "I think I like the way Professor Trelawney said it better. It was short, and it sounded stupid. Do you have a horrible grudge on Divination or something?"

"I thought I told you this before," said Remus, sighing. "I don't like Divination. It has crystal balls. It has random silver instruments. And at any rate, I'm just no good at it."

"You're not even in Divination, how would you know?" asked Peter.

"Summer before our second year, I visited my cousin for two weeks, at a time that didn't interfere with…anything related to the lunar system," explained Remus. "And all he wanted to talk about was Divination. He's four years older than me, and he had already started taking Divination, and he was apparently very gifted at it. He pretended to be a professor, and then he made me do all of those things you do in Divination with all this Divination equipment that he had gotten from somewhere. And when I couldn't get anything right, he would shove the crystal ball in my face and talk about how idiotic I was and tell me that I should just go learn how to howl at the moon and eat people instead. He, er, wasn't a very nice person sometimes. Horrible. I can't even describe it. But the point is, I'm never taking Divination class, or having anything to do with it."

"Oh," said James. "So that's why. I'm sorry."

"Yeah," said Peter. "I didn't know you hated it that much."

"Yes," said Remus stiffly, still thinking about Divination and that summer with his cousin.

"Well, look at it this way," Sirius said. "You and me have loads of fun in Ancient Runes while Wormtail and _him_ are in that nasty subject!"

"I suppose so, except you ask to copy off my paper a lot."

"Okay. So I promise that for the first week of classes, I won't copy off your paper. See, here's my oath: I, Sirius Black, do hereby solemnly swear that on the first week of classes in our sixth year, I will do all my work myself."

"Oh, really. Well, thanks."

"…Unless you're not putting your paper away in a good spot, then I'll go find it and copy it."

"Padfoot!"

"Just joking…"

Remus shook his head and then continued reading the chapter. "Where were we…" he muttered to himself. "Ah, here we are…"

**" –are yet unable to penetrate the veiled mysteries of the future," Professor Trelawney went on, her enormous, gleaming eyes moving from face to nervous face. "It is a Gift granted to few. You, boy," she said suddenly to Neville, who almost toppled off his pouf. "Is your grandmother well?"**

**"I think so," said Neville tremulously. **

**"I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, dear," said Professor Trelawney, the firelight glinting on her long emerald earrings. Neville gulped. Professor Trelawney continued placidly. "We will be covering the basic methods of Divination this year.**_"_

"Well, at least that means Harry won't have to bother with those nasty bird entrails, unless this crazy Professor Trelawney decides to change it," added James.

**The first term will be devoted to reading the tea leaves. Next term we shall progress to palmistry. By the way, my dear," she shot suddenly at Parvati Pail, "beware a red-haired man."**

**Parvati gave a startled look at Ron, who was right behind her, and edged her chair away from him.**

"Hey, Ron, what are you gonna do?" asked Sirius.

**"In the second term," Professor Trelawney went on, " we shall progress to the crystal ball-"**

As Remus read these words, in fact, as he read all the things Professor Trelawney had prepared to class, there was a definite difference in his voice. Remus was an avid reader, so he was very good at reading things, and he never had any trouble reading words or reading at fast paces or slow paces or anything. He was also very good at telling and reading stories, since he gave expression, life and style to the words, another reason why James, Sirius, and Peter were enjoying having the book read to them. But there was a flatness and small note of loathing and annoyance in his voice as he read the Divination section of the chapter. It was clear he didn't like it very much.

**"-if we have finished with fire omens, that is. Unfortunately, classes will be disrupted in February by a nasty bout of flu. I myself will lose my voice. And around Easter, one of our number will leave us forever.**_"_

"Smart, that person is," mumbled Remus.

There was a silence after Remus' comment, and the fact that the other three boys had noticed Remus' change in tone. No one really had anything to say, and so there was just tense silence.

And in coincidence, there happened to be a tense silence in the book as well.

**A very tense silence followed this pronouncement, but Professor Trelawney seemed unaware of it.**

**"I wonder, dear," she said to Lavender Brown, who was nearest and shrank back in her chair, "if you could pass me the largest silver teapot?"**

"Just another reason why I don't take Divination," said Remus tartly.

Sirius held his hands out for the book. "You know what, I'll read the rest of this for you."

"No!" said Remus, snapping the book away from Sirius' hands. "I'm perfectly capable of reading this, I don't need your concern."

Sirius put his hands back to himself, and said nothing more, deciding to leave his lycanthropic friend, who was obviously getting a little cranky due to the Divination discussion and the upcoming full moon in the next two days and who knows what else, alone.

James blinked and Peter did nothing, as to not draw attention to himself, and Remus cleared his throat and continued reading.

**Lavender, looking relieved, stood up, took an enormous teapot from the shelf, and put it down on the table in front of Professor Trelawney.**

**"Thank you, my dear. Incidentally, that thing you are dreading- it will happen on Friday the sixteenth of October."**

**Lavender trembled.**

**"Now, I want you all to divide into pairs. Collect a teacup from the shelf, come to me, and I will fill it. Then sit down and drink, drink until only the dregs remain. Swill these around the cup three times with the left hand, then turn the cup upside down on its saucer, wait for the last of the tea to drain away, then give your cup to your partner to read. You will interpret the patterns using pages five and six of Unfogging the Future. I shall move among you, helping and instructing. Oh, and dear"- she caught Neville by the arm as he made to stand up- "after you've broken your first cup, would you be so kind as to select one of the blue patterned ones? I'm rather attached to the pink."**

**Sure enough, Neville had no sooner reached the shelf of teacups when there was a tinkle of breaking china. Professor Trelawney swept over to him holding a dustpan and a brush and said, "One of the blue ones, then, dear, if you wouldn't mind…thank you…"**

**When Harry and Ron had had their teacups filled, they went back to their table and tried to drink the scalding tea quickly.**

"But don't do it too quickly, or you'll accidentally burn yourself," warned Peter. "I speak from experience."

"I remember that," said James. "That was…sad. The expression on your face was hilarious. Kind of like…" He scrunched up his face into a shocked painful look.

"Hey! It was hot!" said Peter.

**They swilled the dregs around as Professor Trelawney had instructed, then drained the cups and swapped over.**

**"Right," said Ron, as they both opened their books at pages five and six. "What can you see in mine?" **

**"A load of soggy brown stuff," said Harry.**

"How coincidental, Harry," said Remus. "That's exactly what I saw in mine."

"Eh, don't worry about that, Moony," said James. "Wormtail and I saw soggy brown stuff too." He looked at Peter. "Except that one time when you said you saw a something that looked like a wand in mine, and I saw something that looked like a finger in yours." He looked back at Remus and Sirius. "'Course, we couldn't find those in the book, so I dunno what that was on about. We're bad at tea leaves." He shrugged.

Sirius looked over at Remus to see if he was going to yell at him, but Remus said nothing and just looked back down at the text on the page.

**The heavily perfumed smoke in the room was making him feel sleepy and stupid.**

**"Broaden your minds, my dears, and allow you eyes to see past the mundane!" Professor Trelawney cried through the gloom.**

Sirius burst out laughing at this ridiculous statement.

**Harry tried to pull himself together.**

"Good, Harry, go try. Be a good son," said James.

**"Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross…" He consulted _Unfogging the Future_. "That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering'- sorry about that- but there's this thing that could be the sun…hang on…that means 'great happiness'…so you're going to suffer but be very happy…"**

James laughed. "Heh, good job, Harry."

Remus wondered how one could possibly suffer but be very happy.

**"You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me," said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.**

**"My turn…" Ron peered into Harry's teacup, his forehead wrinkled with effort. "There's a blob a bit like a bowler hat," he said. "Maybe you're going to work for the Ministry of Magic…"**

"Yeah!" said James enthusiastically. "I bet my son would be great in the Ministry!"

**He turned the teacup the other way up.**

**"But this way it looks more like an acorn…"**

"An acorn?" demanded James. "What happened to the nice prospect of my son working in the Ministry? What's an acorn supposed to mean? He'll be a squirrel?"

Peter laughed at James.

**"What's that?" He scanned his copy of _Unfogging the Future_. " 'A windfall, unexpected gold.'"**

"Awesome!" said James, clearly more excited by this prospect. "My son will get unexpected gold too!"

**"Excellent, you can lend me some…and there's a thing here," he turned the cup again, "that looks like an animal…yeah, if that was its head…it looks like a hippo…no, a sheep…"**

"A hippo?" asked James. "A sheep? And what does that mean?"

**Professor Trelawney whirled around as Harry let out a snort of laughter.**

**"Let me see that, my dear," she said reprovingly to Ron, sweeping over and snatching Harry's cup from him. Everyone went quiet to watch.**

"Stop being so nosy!" James yelled at the book. "Go mind your own tea leaves, stop listening to what my son's says!"

**Professor Trelawney was staring into the teacup, rotating it counterclockwise.**

**"The falcon…my dear, you have a deadly enemy."**

"Great," said James. "It's that Malfoy, isn't it?"

**"But everyone knows that," said Hermione in a loud whisper. Professor Trelawney stared at her.**

**"Well, they do," said Hermione. "Everybody knows about Harry and You-Know-Who."**

"Of course, that's a very good answer too," added James. "I just don't like to think of the future for my son, not when he's stuck in the present with an evil git named Draco Malfoy."

**Harry and Ron stared at her with a mixture of amazement and admiration. They had never heard Hermione speak to a teacher like that before.**

"Oooh, Hermione's being bad." Sirius laughed.

**Professor Trelawney chose not to reply. She lowered her huge eyes to Harry's cup again and continued to turn it.**

**"The club…an attack."**

"An attack?" asked James. "Oh, my poor son…"

**"Dear, dear, this is not a happy cup…"**

**"I thought that was a bowler hat," said Ron sheepishly.**

"Aww, so Harry's not going to work in the Ministry of Magic?" asked James sadly. "Well…maybe he still can. It would be cool."

**"The skull…danger in your path, my dear…"**

**Everyone was staring, transfixed, at Professor Trelawney, who gave the cup a final turn, gasped, and then screamed.**

"What?" screamed James himself. "What happened to Harry? What?"

"Maybe it wasn't Harry at all. Maybe it was Professor Trelawney getting a heart attack, and then no one will be able to go to Divination at all for a few weeks," Remus suggested, which sounded quite pessimistic but optimistic at the same time. Pessimistic Optimism, perhaps.

**There was another tinkle of breaking china; Neville had smashed his second cup. Professor Trelawney sank into a vacant armchair, her glittering hand at her heart and her eyes closed.**

"Are you sure you said you're not good at Divination?" asked Peter. "Sounds like a heart attack to me."

"Oh, ha, I wish," said Remus. "I doubt it…I'll end up being wrong, I know. I don't need Divination to tell me that."

**"My dear boy…my poor, dear boy…no…it is kinder not to say…no…don't ask me…"**

"I'm ASKING!" yelled James. "What's wrong with Harry? What won't you tell him?"

**"What is it, Professor?" said Dean Thomas at once. Everyone had got to their feet, and slowly they crowded around Harry and Ron's table, pressing close to Professor Trelawney's chair to get a good look at Harry's cup.**

**"My dear," Professor Trelawney's huge eyes opened dramatically, "you have the Grim."**

James and Peter both gave very loud frightened gasps.

"Son…Harry…no…can't…be…noooooo…not…Grim…no…" blubbered out of James' mouth. James seemed to be too caught up on something to speak properly.

"Wormtail, what's wrong?" asked Remus. "What does that Divination rubbish mean?"

Peter went wide-eyed. "The Grim is the omen of Death!" he squeaked. "Harry is going to die!"

"NOOOOOO!" shouted James after Peter. He looked over at Sirius and pointed at him. "It's your fault, you murderer! First we find out you're after Harry to kill him, and now we _know_ he's going to be killed! You're going to kill him, aren't you? Yes! You are!"

Sirius opened his mouth angrily to say something, but obviously couldn't think of anything to say as a comeback, because he closed his mouth and just continued looking furious.

"Personally," said Remus, "I think Divination is just a waste of time and a bunch of rubbish. Has anything really come true so far in your class or in Harry's class?"

"Neville broke his cup, like she said so!" said James. "And now Harry's going to die! It's not fair! Lily and I are dead, and now he'll have to die at only thirteen years old! That's not right!"

"Oh, Prongs, Harry's not going to die," said Remus impatiently. "You shouldn't bother believing any of that stuff. Anyway…" He continued reading.

**"The what?" said Harry.**

**He could tell that he wasn't the only one who didn't understand; Dean Thomas shrugged at him and Lavender Brown looked puzzled, but nearly everybody else clapped their hands to their mouths in horror.**

**"The Grim, my dear, the Grim!" cried Professor Trelawney, who looked shocked that Harry hadn't understood. "The giant, spectral dog that haunts churchyards! My dear boy, it is an omen- the worst omen- of _death!"_**

**Harry's stomach lurched. That dog on the cover of Death Omens in Flourish and Blotts- the dog in the shadows of Magnolia Crescent…Lavender Brown clapped her hands to her mouth too. Everyone was looking at Harry, everyone except Hermione, who had gotten up and moved around to the back of Professor Trelawney's chair.**

"You know," said James shrewdly, turning his head slowly to face Sirius. "_You_ can turn into a dog."

"S-so?" asked Sirius nervously.

"So maybe _you're_ the Grim!" James pointed out.

Peter looked thoughtful at Sirius. "Maybe you _are_…"

Sirius still looked more nervous. "Uh…no… It's like Moony said, Divination is a bunch of rubbish…I mean… You couldn't really think that I… I'm the Grim?"

James nodded. Peter said, "It sort of makes sense."

"Oh, come on!" said Sirius. "All right, let's say I'm the Grim. _How_ can I be the Grim? I can't be Harry's tea leaves, so I can't be in his cup! And obviously the Grim has been a death omen for a while, so it'd have been on the book for a while too."

"So how do you explain that dog in Magnolia Crescent, eh?" asked James. "Or your house name, maybe? Number 12 _Grim_mauld Place?"

"Shut up!" said Sirius, unable to take it. "I'm not the Grim! Leave me alone! Moony, start reading again so Prongs can hear about his precious little son and worry about him!"

**"I don't think it looks like a Grim," she said flatly.**

"Yeah, Hermione doesn't think it's a Grim," mumbled Sirius. "And she's smart."

**Professor Trelawney surveyed Hermione with mounting dislike.**

**"You'll forgive me for saying so, my dear, but I perceive very little aura around you. Very little receptivity to the resonances of the future."**

"Hey, that's mean," said Peter. "How could anyone just forgive someone for saying that?"

"Oh, believe me, Wormtail," said Sirius flatly, whose arms were crossed. "It's very easy to forgive someone for saying that than something else…"

**Seamus Finnigan was tilting his head from side to side.**

**"It looks like a Grim if you do this," he said, with his eyes almost shut, "but it looks more like a donkey from here," he said, leaning to the left.**

Sirius seemed unable to resist making a comment.

"See Prongs, that wasn't a death omen in your son's cup at all, it was just an ass."

James gave no reply.

**"When you've all finished deciding whether I'm going to die or not!" said Harry, taking even himself by surprise. Now nobody seemed to want to look at him.**

**"I think we will leave the lesson here for today," said Professor Trelawney in her mistiest voice. "Yes…please pack away your things…"**

"Good, go on, hurry, get out," said Remus.

"Yeah, poor Harry doesn't need to look at his death omen any longer!" said James.

**Silently the class took their teacups back to Professor Trelawney, packed away their books, and closed their bags. Even Ron was avoiding Harry's eyes.**

**"Until we meet again," said Professor Trelawney faintly, "fair fortune be yours. Oh, and dear"- she pointed at Neville- "you'll be late next time, so mind you work extra-hard to catch up."**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione descended Professor Trelawney's ladder and the winding stair in silence, then set off for Professor McGonagall's Transfiguration lesson. It took them so long to find her classroom that, early as they had left Divination, they were only just in time.**

All in all, it seemed that Divination had not only been a stressful subject for Harry, but it had been one for his father and his friends as well.

**Harry chose a seat right at the back of the room, feeling as though he were sitting in a very bright spotlight; the rest of the class kept shooting furtive glances at him, as though he were about to drop dead any moment. He hardly heart what Professor McGonagall was telling them about Animagi (wizards who could transform at will into animals)-**

"Heh, yeah, I think we know about those," said James, laughing a bit.

**-and wasn't even watching when she transformed herself in front of their eyes into a tabby cat with spectacle markings around her eyes_._**

"Bet he'd be more impressed by seeing his father turn into a majestic stag, of course," commented James.

"A majestic, _arrogant_ stag," mumbled Sirius.

**"Really, what has got into you all today?" said Professor McGonagall, turning back into herself with a faint pop, and staring around at them all. Not that it matters, but that's the first time my transformation's not got applause from a class."**

"Has she been keeping track?" asked James. "How arrogant."

"Yes, how arrogant," mocked Sirius.

"I'm not arrogant," said James haughtily.

"You know you are," said Sirius.

"At least my form doesn't look like a death omen."

"That's because I'm _not_ a death omen."

"Oh, yeah, that's right, you're a nutty murderer after my son."

"Please, let's not start this again," said Remus, who seemed to be still a bit aggravated, but in a better mood than he had been a minute ago.

**Everybody's heads turned toward Harry again, but nobody spoke. Then Hermione raised her hand.**

**"Please, Professor, we've just had our first Divination class, and we were reading the tea leaves, and-"**

**"Ah, of course," said Professor McGonagall, suddenly frowning. "There is no need to say anymore, Miss Granger. Tell me, which if you will be dying this year?"**

There was a shocked silence in the room, followed by a bewildered "_What?_" from all four boys.

_Everyone stared at her._

**"Me," said Harry, finally.**

**"I see," said Professor McGonagall, fixing Harry with her beady eyes. "Then you should know, Potter, that Sibyll Trelawney has predicted the death of one student a year since she arrived at this school."**

"Oh, well that's nice," said Peter.

**"None of them has died yet."**

"That's very good to know," said Sirius, a little relieved.

**"Seeing death omens is her favorite way of greeting a new class."**

"How original!" said James in a sarcastic tone and looking furious.

**"If it were not for the fact that I never speak ill of my colleagues-"**

**Professor McGonagall broke off, and they saw that her nostrils had gone white. She went on, more calmly, "Divination is one of the most imprecise branches of magic."**

"Believe me, I agree with you, Professor," Remus said.

**"I shall not conceal from you that I have very little patience with it. True Seers are very rare, and Professor Trelawney-"**

**She stopped again, and then said, in a very matter-of-fact tone, "You look in excellent health to me, Potter, so you will excuse me if I don't let you off homework today. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in."**

"I should think so," nodded James.

**Hermione laughed. Harry felt a bit better. It was harder to feel scared of a lump of tea leaves away from the dim red light and befuddling perfume of Professor Trelawney's classroom. Not everyone was convinced, however. Ron still looked worried, and Lavender whispered, "But what about Neville's cup?"**

**When the Transfiguration class had finished, they joined the crowd thundering toward the Great Hall for lunch.**

**"Ron, cheer up," said Hermione, pushing a dish of stew toward him. "You heard what Professor McGonagall said."**

**Ron spooned stew onto his plate and picked up his fork but didn't start.**

**"Harry," he said, in a low, serious voice, "you haven't seen a great black dog anywhere, have you?"**

**"Yeah, I have," said Harry. "I saw one the night I left the Dursleys'."**

**Ron let his fork fall with a clatter.**

**"Probably a stray," said Hermione calmly.**

**Ron looked at Hermione as though she had gone mad.**

**"Hermione, if Harry's seen a Grim, that's –that's bad," he said.**

"You're not kidding," said James.

**"My- my uncle Bilius saw one and- and he died twenty-four hours later!"**

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Hmm…" said James, looking over at Sirius who had started scratching his head trying not to look as if he was worried.

**"Coincidence," said Hermione airily, pouring herself some pumpkin juice.**

**"You don't know what you're talking about!" said Ron, starting to get angry. "Grims scare the living daylights out of most wizards!"**

**"There you are, then," said Hermione in a superior tone. "They see the Grim and die of fright. The Grim's not an omen, it's the cause of death! And Harry's still with us because he's not stupid enough to see one and think, right, well, I'd better kick the bucket then!"**

"I'd like to say that Hermione has good reasoning, there," mentioned Remus.

"But she's just talking about _seeing_ the Grim!" pointed out James. "Not having it appear in your tea leaves!"

**Ron mouthed wordlessly at Hermione, who opened her bag, took out her new Arithmancy book, and propped it open against the juice jug.**

**"I think Divination seems very woolly," she said, searching for her page. "A lot of guesswork, if you ask me."**

**"There was nothing woolly about the Grim in that cup!" said Ron hotly.**

**"You didn't seem quite so confident when you were telling Harry it was a sheep," said Hermione coolly.**

"Heh, 'hotly' and 'coolly'," Peter laughed. "They were opposites!"

"Shut up!" snapped James. "I'm busy hearing about my son!"

**"Professor Trelawney said you didn't have the right aura! You just don't like being bad at something for a change!"**

**He had touched a nerve. Hermione slammed her Arithmancy book down on the table so hard that bits of meat and carrot flew everywhere.**

**"If being good at Divination means I have to pretend to see death omens in a lump of tea leaves, I'm not sure I'll be studying it much longer! That lesson was absolute rubbish compared to my Arithmancy class!"**

**She snatched up her bag and stalked away.**

**Ron frowned after her.**

**"What's she talking about?" he said to Harry. "She hasn't been to an Arithmancy class yet."**

"Hmm," said Sirius. "Maybe Hermione's just saying that to say it. Plenty of times people do that."

**Harry was pleased to get out of the castle after lunch. Yesterday's rain had cleared; the sky was a clear, pale gray, and the grass was springy and damp underfoot as they set off for their first ever Care of Magical Creatures class.**

"Ah, now Care of Magical Creatures is an excellent class," said Remus, seemingly in a better mood. "Quite fun."

"Well, you're good at it, that's why you like it," said Sirius.

"Is it so wrong to appreciate the things we're good at?" asked Remus.

**Ron and Hermione weren't speaking to each other. Harry walked beside them in silence as they went down the sloping lawns to Hagrid's hut on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It was only when he spotted three-**

"Firebolts?" said James hopefully, and the other three boys gave sighs of annoyance.

**-only-too-familiar backs ahead of them that he realized they must be having these lessons with the Slytherins.**

"Oh. Great. That sounds fun," Peter said sarcastically.

**Malfoy was talking animatedly to Crabbe and Goyle, who were chortling. Harry was quite sure he knew what they were talking about.**

**Hagrid was waiting for his class at the door of his hut. He stood in his moleskin overcoat, with Fang the boarhound at his heels, looking impatient to start.**

**"C'mon, now, get a move on!" he called as the class approached. "Got a real treat for yeh today! Great lesson comin' up! Everyone here? Right, follow me!"**

**For one nasty moment, Harry thought that Hagrid was going to lead them into the forest; Harry had had enough unpleasant experiences in there to last him a lifetime.**

"Really?" said James, in a tone of anger and concern. "What experiences were those?"

**However, Hagrid strolled off around the edge of the trees, and five minutes later, they found themselves outside a kind of paddock. There was nothing in there.**

"Wow! Invisible Creatures! How fascinating!" said Sirius in a sarcastic surprised tone. Although sometimes, with Sirius, you could never tell if he was being sarcastic or just being surprised. Both tones sometimes morphed into one.

"It could be Thestrals," said Remus.

"I _know_ it could be Thestrals," said Sirius.

"Maybe it's something really, really tiny," said James. He thought of something and gasped. "Or maybe Harry needs new glasses!"

"Or maybe there's just nothing in there," Peter said.

The three other boys were slightly shocked at this sudden profound moment from Peter, and had no other way to respond to it but by silence of staring at him.

Then Remus quickly spoke a few seconds later.

"Oh, yes, of course, that could be it."

**"Everyone gather 'round the fence here!" he called. "That's it- make sure yeh can see- now, firs' thing yeh'll want ter do is open yer books-"**

**"How?" said the cold, drawling voice of Draco Malfoy.**

"Ha, ha, Harry's _much_ smarter than Malfoy! You see Malfoy, you put your hand on the cover, and lift it upward and over," James said slowly as if he was teaching a small child just learning how to tie their shoes.

**"Eh?" said Hagrid.**

**"How do we open our books?" Malfoy repeated. He took out his copy of _The Monster Book of Monsters_-**

"Oh. _Those_ books," said James, losing his joke.

**-which he had bound shut with a length of rope. Other people took theirs out too; some, like Harry, had belted their books shut; others had crammed them inside tight bags or clamped them together with binder clips.**

**"Hasn'- hasn' anyone bin able ter open their books?" said Hagrid, looking crestfallen.**

**The class all shook their heads.**

**"Yeh've got ter stroke 'em," said Hagrid, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Look-"**

**He took Hermione's copy and ripped off the Spellotape that bound it. The book tried to bite, but Hagrid ran a giant forefinger down its spine, and the book shivered, and then fell open and lay quiet in his hands.**

**"Oh, how silly we've all been!" Malfoy sneered. "We should have stroked them! Why didn't we guess!"**

"Because you're just an idiot," said Sirius. "And just like your father and mother, who are giant stuck up prats. Now shut up and learn! If you're capable of doing so."

**"I- I thought they were funny," Hagrid said uncertainly to Hermione.**

**"Oh, tremendously funny!" said Malfoy. "Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"**

"And believe me, don't we wish they _did_ rip your hands off," said James, looking dreamy.

**"Shut up, Malfoy," said Harry quietly. Hagrid was looking downcast and Harry wanted Hagrid's first lesson to be a success.**

"Yes Harry! Good son! You tell Malfoy now! I'm so proud to be your dad!" said James.

**"Righ' then," said Hagrid, who seemed to have lost his thread, "so- so yeh've got yer books an'- an'- now yeh need the Magical Creatures. Yeah. So I'll go an' get 'em. Hang on…"**

**He strode away from them into the forest and out of sight.**

**"God, this place is going to the dogs," said Malfoy loudly.**

"Hey! Use a different word! That's offensive!" said Sirius.

**_"That oaf teaching classes, my father'll have a fit when I tell him-"_**

**_"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry repeated._**

**_"Careful, Potter, there's a dementor behind you-"_**

**_"Ooooooh!" squealed Lavender Brown, pointing toward the opposite side of the paddock._**

Apparently that line showed again how much expression Remus put into his reading, because it freaked Peter out.

"What was that?" Peter asked Remus.

"What was what?" said Remus.

"That!" said Peter again. "That 'ooh'! It sounded so…girlish."

"Well… it _was_ a girl, and it was what she was saying."

"Still. Don't say that again. Ever."

**Trotting toward them were a dozen of the most bizarre creatures Harry had ever seen. They had the bodies, hind legs, and tails of horses, but the front legs, wings, and heads of what seemed to be giant eagles, with cruel, steel-colored beaks and large, brilliantly orange eyes. The talons of their front legs were half a foot long and deadly looking. Each of the beasts had a thick leather collar around its neck, which was attached to a long chain, and the ends of all of these were held in the vast hands of Hagrid, who came jogging into the paddock behind the creatures. **

**"Gee up, there!" he roared, shaking the chains and urging the creatures toward the fence where the class stood. Everyone drew back slightly as Hagrid reached them and tethered the creatures to the fence.**

**"Hippogriffs!" Hagrid roared happily, waving a hang at them. "Beau'iful, aren' they?"**

"Well, in their own special way," said Sirius.

**Harry could sort of see what Hagrid meant. Once you got over the first shock of seeing something that was half horse, half bird, you started to appreciate the hippogriffs' gleaming coats, changing smoothly from feather to hair, each of them a different color: stormy gray, bronze, pinkish roan, gleaming chestnut, and inky black.**

**"So," said Hagrid, rubbing his hands together and beaming around, "if yeh wan' ter come a bit nearer-"**

**No one seemed to want to.**

"Can we blame them?" asked Peter.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione, however, approached the fence cautiously.**

**"Now, firs' thing yeh gotta know abou' hippogriffs is, they're proud," said Hagrid. "Easily offended, hippogriffs. Don't never insult one, 'cause it might be the last thing yeh do."**

"Yes…the lesson on hippogriffs is all coming back to me now," said James. "So! Where can we get one and how can we get Snivellus to insult it?"

Remus gasped. "You're joking, right? That's not very nice."

"No, it's not," James remarked. "But it would be fun."

**Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle weren't listening; they were talking in an undertone and Harry had a nasty feeling they were plotting how to best disrupt the lesson.**

**"Yeh always wait fer the hippogriff ter make the firs' move," Hagrid continued. "It's polite, see? Yeh walk toward him, and yeh bow, an' yeh wait. If he bows back, yeh're allowed ter touch him. If he doesn' bow, then get away from him sharpish, 'cause those talons hurt."**

"Hmm," said Sirius. He looked at James. "Ahem…_you._"

James glanced at Sirius and then quickly glanced away. "What?"

"From Hagrid's words, I now see you and Lily's relationship like one with the hippogriff," said Sirius.

James wasn't able to avoid looking at Sirius any longer.

"I'm sorry, _what? _Like a _hippogriff_?"

"Well, look at it this way. _I_, being the one with most relationship experience of the group, from my past hookups with Emmeline and Anna and Saff-"

"Would you like me to count your girlfriends for you?" interrupted Remus, annoyed. He'd only heard Sirius list off his girlfriends about a hundred times before.

"Shut up, Moony." Sirius looked back at James. "As I was saying. See Lily as the hippogriff. You bow to her with your polite charm, and you wait. If she 'bows' back to you with interest, then you two can get together, and like the hippogriff, uh, touch her. If no interest is shown, then you better get away, because her talons, or in this case, slaps, will hurt."

"Oh great, I've just gotten dating advice in the form of a hippogriff analogy," said James sarcastically. "Can we _please_ get back to the book now?"

**"Right- who wants ter go first?"**

**Most of the class backed farther away in answer. Even Harry, Ron, and Hermione had misgivings. The hippogriffs were tossing their fierce heads and flexing their powerful wings; they didn't seem to like being tethered like this.**

**"No one?" said Hagrid, with a pleading look.**

**"I'll do it," said Harry.**

"Uh…" said James

**There was an intake of breath from behind him, and both Lavender and Parvati whispered, "Oooh, no, Harry, remember your tea leaves!"**

Peter was too concerned about Harry's tea leaves to yell at Remus for saying the word 'Oooh' again.

"I nearly forgot! His tea leaves!" cried Peter. "What if it kills Harry?"

James gasped. "No! Son! Be careful! What did I tell you about strange creatures?"

"Nothing. You're dead," said Peter.

"Shut up!"

**Harry ignored them. He climbed over the paddock fence.**

**"Good man, Harry!" roared Hagrid. "Right then- let's see how yeh get on with Buckbeak."**

"Good, I hope," said James.

**He untied one of the chains, pulled the gray hippogriff away from its fellows, and slipped off its leather collar. The class on the other side of the paddock seemed to be holding its breath. Malfoy's eyes were narrowed maliciously.**

**"Easy, now, Harry," said Hagrid quietly. "Yeh've got eye contact, now try not ter blink…Hippogriffs don' trust yeh if yeh blink too much."**

**Harry's eyes immediately began to water, but he didn't shut them.**

Apparently, James had decided if he could stare down a hippogriff too, because as long as it said Harry wasn't blinking, nor was James as he stared at the wall across the room, and it gave Peter an especially hard time to stop from laughing.

**Buckbeak had turned his great, sharp head and was staring at Harry with one fierce orange eye.**

**"Tha's it," said Hagrid. "Tha's it, Harry…now, bow…"**

**Harry didn't feel much like exposing the back of his neck to Buckbeak, but he did as he was told. He gave a short bow and then looked up.**

**The hippogriff was still staring haughtily at him. It didn't move.**

"Oh no," said James, stunned. "Oh no! Harry!"

The other three boys, though not jumping to concern as fast and big as James always did, still listened with apprehension.

**"Ah," said Hagrid, sounding worried. "Right- back away, now, Harry, easy does it-"**

"Hurry up, Harry!" cried James, his eyes still focused on the wall. "Back away now! What if the hippogriff attacks you? I don't even want to think about that!"

**But then, to Harry's enormous surprise, the hippogriff suddenly bent its scaly front knees and sank into what was an unmistakable bow.**

"Oh," James said faintly. "Well, then…good thing we didn't worry."

Sirius smirked at him.

**"Well done, Harry!" said Hagrid, ecstatic. "Right- yeh can touch him! Pat his beak, go on!"**

**Feeling that a better reward would have been to back away, Harry moved slowly toward the hippogriff and reached out toward it. He patted the beak several times and the hippogriff closed its eyes lazily, as though enjoying it.**

**The class broke into applause, all except for Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were looking deeply disappointed.**

"Why? Hoping to hear my son was hurt, now were you?" asked James. "Ha!"

**"Righ' then, Harry," said Hagrid. "I reckon he might' let yeh ride him!"**

James had still been laughing to himself about how Harry hadn't been attacked and successfully patted the hippogriff, froze as he heard what Remus had read. "What?"

"Hagrid just said that Buckbeak might let Harry ride him now," said Remus.

"I know what he said!" said James. "I wasn't saying an I-Didn't-Hear-You-'What?', I was saying a 'What?'-What."

"You have some interesting prose there," said Remus, smiling wryly.

"I know I do," James said proudly.

**This was more than Harry had bargained for. He was used to a broomstick; but he wasn't sure a hippogriff would be quite the same.**

"Of course it's not!" said James, throwing his arms up in the air. "How could flying on a hippogriff have the same exhilaration of flying on your Nimbus Two Thousand, or my Black Hawk Six Fifty?" He trailed off dreamily. "…or a Fireb-mrrgh!"

Sirius had automatically put his hand over James' mouth and muffled it without even having to look over. James looked aggravated from this behavior.

"Thank you, Padfoot," said Remus.

"Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to hear anymore fantasies about the Firebolt," added Peter.

**"Yeh climb up there, jus' behind the wing joint," said Hagrid, "an' mind yeh don' pull any of his feathers out, he won' like that…"**

**Harry put his foot on the top of Buckbeak's wing and hoisted himself onto its back. Buckbeak stood up. Harry wasn't sure where to hold on; everything in front of him was covered with feathers.**

"Whoa, really?" said Sirius sardonically. "I was sure he'd be covered in fur!"

"Are you _making fun of Harry?_" asked James. "It's not his fault he's never been on a hippogriff before!"

"No, of course I wasn't, Prongs," said Sirius quickly. Sirius didn't want to make James angry again. In fact, he sort of wanted to make up. It was hard not being able to poke fun at the book with his best friend, especially when there were so many parts to do just that… But James was the one who started it, he reminded himself firmly. And therefore, Sirius wouldn't be the one apologizing. James would just have to get his big-headed self to do it.

**"Go on, then!" roared Hagrid, slapping the hippogriff's hindquarters.**

Peter looked as if he was itching to say something. Remus noticed this and said, "Oh, Wormtail, don't think naughty thoughts. Though it might be hard with those two over there…"

James and Sirius looked offended.

"Sorry, sorry…"

**Without warning, twelve-foot wings flapped open on either side of Harry; he jut had time to seize the hippogriff around the neck before he was soaring upward. It was nothing like a broomstick-**

"Told you," said James.

**-and Harry knew which one he preferred; the hippogriff's wings beat uncomfortably on either side of him, catching him under his legs and making him feel he was about to be thrown off; the glossy feathers slipped under his fingers and he didn't dare get a stronger grip; instead of the smooth action of his Nimbus Two Thousand, he now felt himself rocking backward and forward as the hindquarters of the hippogriff rose and fell with its wings.**

**Buckbeak flew him once around the paddock and then headed back to the ground; this was the bit Harry had been dreading; he leaned back as the smooth neck lowered, feeling he was going to slip off over the beak, then felt a heavy thud as the four ill-assorted feet hit the ground. He just managed to hold on and push himself straight again.**

**"Good work, Harry!" roared Hagrid as everyone except Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle cheered_._**

"Yes, yes, good work!" cheered James himself.

**"Okay, who else wants a go?"**

**Emboldened by Harry's success, the rest of the class climbed cautiously into the paddock.**

James sniffed touchingly. "Look, Harry's a little trendsetter."

Peter snorted, then quickly said, "Sorry…it was just your tone."

**Hagrid untied the hippogriffs one by one, and soon people were bowing nervously, all over the paddock. Neville ran repeatedly backward from his, which didn't seem to want to bend its knees. Ron and Hermione practiced on the chestnut, while Harry watched.**

**Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle had taken over Buckbeak. He had bowed to Malfoy, who was now patting his beak, looking disdainful.**

**"This is very easy," Malfoy drawled, loud enough for Harry to hear him. "I knew it must have been, if Potter could do it…I bet you're not dangerous at all, are you?" he said to the hippogriff. "Are you, you great ugly brute?_"_**

"I wouldn't have said that…" said Remus worriedly.

**It happened in a flash of steely talons; Malfoy let out a high-pitched scream-**

Sirius began laughing.

"Padfoot, this isn't funny! This is, well, serious!"

"I know, I know," said Sirius, trying to regain control of himself. "It's just that I'd love to hear any child of Narcissa and her boyfriend Lucius emit a high-pitched scream and be attacked to a hippogriff."

"Well doesn't that sound murderous…" said James wonderingly.

"I didn't mean it like _that_!" said Sirius hastily. "You know my family! They don't care, and I don't care about them. They'd deserve it."

Remus began quickly reading again before another fight between the two could break out.

**-and next moment, Hagrid was wrestling Buckbeak back into his collar as he strained to get at Malfoy, who lay curled in the grass, blood blossoming over his robes.**

**"I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!"**

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh God, if you were dead, you wouldn't be able to announce it."

**"Yer not dyin'!" said Hagrid, who had gone very white. "Someone help me- gotta get him outta here-"**

**Hermione ran to hold open the gate as Hagrid lifted Malfoy easily. As they passed, Harry saw that there was a long, deep gash on Malfoy's arm; blood splattered the grass and Hagrid ran with him, up the slope toward the castle.**

**Very shaken, the Care of Magical Creatures class followed at a walk. The Slytherins were all shouting about Hagrid.**

**"They should fire him straight away!" said Pansy Parkinson, who was in tears.**

**"It was Malfoy's fault!" snapped Dean Thomas.**

"It was!" said James.

**Crabbe and Goyle flexed their muscles threateningly.**

**They all climbed the stone steps into the deserted entrance hall.**

**"I'm going to see if he's okay!" said Pansy, and they all watched her run up the marble staircase. The Slytherins, still mumbling about Hagrid, headed away in the direction of their dungeon common room; Harry, Ron, and Hermione proceeded upstairs to Gryffindor Tower.**

**"D'you think he'll be all right?" said Hermione nervously.**

"Would you all call me a murderer too if I say, 'I hope not'?" asked Peter, as Sirius glared at him.

"Well, we can't blame you," said James. "Nasty Malfoy…"

"He should be fine though," said Remus. "Madam Pomfrey is a really good nurse."

**"'Course he will. Madam Pomfrey can mend cuts in about a second," said Harry, who had had far worse injuries mended magically by the nurse.**

"And…there you are," said Remus; referring to the proof he had just read.

**"That was a really bad thing to happen in Hagrid's first class, though, wasn't it?" said Ron, looking worried. "Trust Malfoy to mess things up for him…"**

**They were among the first to reach the Great Hall at dinnertime, hoping to see Hagrid, but he wasn't there.**

**"They wouldn't fire him, would they?" said Hermione anxiously, not touching her steak-and-kidney pudding.**

**"They'd better not," said Ron, who wasn't eating either.**

**Harry was watching the Slytherin table. A large group including Crabbe and Goyle was huddled together, deep in conversation. Harry was sure they were cooking up their own version of how Malfoy had been injured.**

**"Well, you can't say it wasn't an interesting first day back," said Ron gloomily.**

"No, I guess you can't," said Sirius.

**They went up to the crowded Gryffindor common room after dinner and tried to do the homework Professor McGonagall had given them, but all three of them kept breaking off and glancing out the tower window.**

**"There's a light on in Hagrid's window," Harry said suddenly.**

**Ron looked at his watch.**

**"If we hurried, we could go down and see him. It's still quite early…"**

**"I don't know," Hermione said slowly, and Harry saw her glance at him.**

**"I'm allowed to walk across the grounds," he said pointedly. "Sirius Black hasn't got pas the dementors yet, has he?"**

It was the first time Sirius' future self had been specifically mentioned in a while, and all four boys froze as they remembered.

"Yeah… I haven't gotten past the dementors," said Sirius, his voice weak but trying to ensure some optimism in everyone.

**So they put their things away and headed out of the portrait hole, glad to meet nobody on their way to the front doors, as they weren't entirely sure they were supposed to be out.**

**The grass was still wet and looked almost black in the twilight. When they reached Hagrid's hut, they knocked, and a voice growled, "C'min."**

**Hagrid was sitting in his shirtsleeves at his scrubbed wooden table; his boarhound, Fang, had his head in Hagrid's lap. One look told them that Hagrid had been drinking a lot_-_**

"Oh, come now," said Remus. "_That's_ they way you get fired. By drinking. Not by having accidents in class." He paused. "I hope _I_ don't spent a while drinking when I'm teaching…"

"You barely even touch the Firewhisky now, when every other person in our year and above is itching to get their hands on it whenever they can," said Sirius prompted. "Like you'll _really_ get drunk as a teacher. You still sounded like Remus in the chapter before to me."

"That's all very well, but people change," Remus sighed.

"No they don't," said Sirius stiffly.

Remus was about to say something, but thought better of it. He understood what Sirius was talking about. Sirius didn't want to end up becoming a murderer…he didn't want to change that much…

**-there was a pewter tankard almost as big as a bucket in front of him, and he seemed to be having difficulty getting them into focus.**

**"'Spect it's a record," he said thickly, when he recognized them. "Don' reckon they've ever had a teacher who lasted on'y a day before."**

**"You haven't been fired, Hagrid!" gasped Hermione.**

**"Not yet," said Hagrid miserably, taking a huge gulp of whatever was in the tankard. "But 's only a matter o' time, i'n't it, after Malfoy…"**

**"How is he?" said Ron as they all sat down. "It wasn't serious, was it?"**

Sirius refrained from saying something about the name pun.

**"Madam Pomfrey fixed him best she could," said Hagrid dully, "but he's sayin' it's still agony…covered in bandages…moanin'…"**

**"He's faking it," said Harry at once. "Madam Pomfrey can mend anything. She regrew half my bones last year."**

"Really? What happened, Harry?" James asked, though realizing Harry wasn't going to give him an answer.

**"Trust Malfoy to milk it for all it's worth."**

**"School gov'ners have bin told, o' course," said Hagrid miserably. "They reckon I started too big. Shoulda left hippogriffs fer later…done flobberworms or summat…"**

"No!" said Peter. "Flobberworms are really boring…I don't see why you'd bother learning how to take care of them…"

**"Jus' thought it'd make a good firs' lesson…'S all my fault…"**

**"It's all _Malfoy's_ fault, Hagrid!" said Hermione earnestly.**

**"We're witnesses," said Harry. "You said hippogriffs attack if you insult them. It's Malfoy's problem that he wasn't listening. We'll tell Dumbledore what really happened."**

**"Yeah, don't worry, Hagrid, we'll back you up," said Ron.**

**Tears leaked out of the crinkled corners of Hagrid's beetle-black eyes. He grabbed both Harry and Ron and pulled them into a bone-breaking hug.**

"Watch it there, Harry might break his bones and have to regrow them or something!" James pointed out.

**"I think you've had enough to drink, Hagrid," said Hermione firmly. She took the tankard from the table and went outside to empty it.**

**"Ar, maybe she's right," said Hagrid, letting go of Harry and Ron, who both staggered away, rubbing their ribs. Hagrid heaved himself out of his chair and followed Hermione unsteadily outside. They heard a large splash.**

**"What's he done?" said Harry nervously as Hermione came back in with the empty tankard.**

"Hope he didn't go drown himself," said Sirius.

**"Stuck his head in the water barrel," said Hermione, putting the tankard away.**

**Hagrid came back, his long hair and beard sopping wet, wiping the water out of his eyes.**

**"Tha's better," he said, shaking his head like a dog and drenching them all.**

"Er, I'm sure it is," Remus said.

**"Listen, it was good of yeh ter come an' see me, I really-"**

**Hagrid stopped dead, staring at Harry as though he'd only just realized he was there.**

"You mean it took you that long to see him?" asked James loudly. "I think someone needs some glasses!"

**"WHAT D'YEH THINK YOU'RE DOIN', EH?" –**

"Ow, do you think you're loud enough, Moony?" asked Peter, rubbing his ears.

"Well, it's in capitals, so I'm reading it how it's supposed to be read," said Remus.

**-he roared, so suddenly that they jumped a foot in the air. "YEH'RE NOT TO GO WANDERIN' AROUND AFTER DARK, HARRY! AN' YOU TWO! LETTIN' HIM!"**

**Hagrid strode over to Harry, grabbed his arm, and pulled him to the door.**

**"C'mon!" Hagrid said angrily. "I'm taking yer all back up ter the school, an' don' let me catch yeh walkin' down ter see me after dark again. I'm not worth that!"**

Remus looked up as to signify that it was the end of the chapter.

"Well…that was very interesting," said James.

"Yes…very," nodded Sirius.

"As always," said Peter.

"Are you all ready for the next chapter, then?" asked Remus.

"Would we ever not be?" replied Sirius.

"Actually…" said Peter. "I have to go use the bathroom."

Sirius gave a loud sigh of exasperation as Peter hopped up and exited the room.

There was no speaking after this, and Remus looked from Sirius to James and back again. After repeating this behavior for a minute, Sirius finally said, "What are you staring at?"

"The both of you," said Remus. "Even though you're refusing to talk to each other and everything else you've been doing, I know you both really want to make up with each other."

James blinked and gave a snort. "That's…absurd. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"And neither do I," said Sirius.

Remus shook his head. "You two are so…stupid! Don't you see that if this _is_ the future, then we might as well read the book and learn as much as we can, and then try and change it so it's not possible? Don't you think there must have been a _reason_ for this book miraculously dropping through the ceiling onto Wormtail's head for us all to notice? Don't you see that your repudiation of each other could just be ruining what ever we're supposed to do?"

The loud flush from the toilet down the hall damaged the moment and the meaning of Remus' words.

Sirius began speaking after the odd silence. "Well, Prongs…really…I don't want to murder Harry. I don't want to become a murderer. Do you think I would?"

James said nothing, but continued to stare at Sirius with his arms slightly crossed, his hazel eyes unfathomable.

"I know you're concerned about him and everything…I mean, I would if it was my son, but really…you get a little crazy with it sometimes. Not that that's bad or anything…but you forget that I would never think of doing anything like I'm doing in the future. And maybe we'll change it. It's been a really weird day for it starting out so boring…"

James opened his mouth and Peter came back in the room.

"Did I miss anything?" said Peter.

"No," said James, and Sirius furrowed his brow at him.

Remus gazed over and out the window. It was a very peculiar day.


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh, okay then," said Peter, plopping back down on the floor, having no idea what had just gone on in the room.

Remus continued to stare out the window, and James continued to say nothing. Finally, the silence was broken by Sirius, who started waving his hand in front of Remus' face.

"Moony…hey, Moony…are you there?"

"Hmm?" asked Remus, snapping out of his daze.

"Are you going to keep reading now?"

"Oh, yes of course," said Remus. He picked the book back up which was already opened at the page of chapter seven, and read the title aloud.

"_Chapter Seven, The Boggart in the Wardrobe._"

"Great. Boggarts," mumbled Peter.

"I don't like them much either," said Remus. "But they're very easy to handle if you know how. Anyway…" He cleared his throat again, and began the chapter.

**Malfoy didn't reappear in classes until late on Thursday morning, when the Slytherins and Gryffindors were halfway through double Potions. He swaggered into the dungeon, his right arm covered in bandages and bound up in a sling, acting, in Harry's opinion, as though he were the heroic survivor of some dreadful battle.**

"You're no 'heroic survivor of some dreadful battle!" outburst James. "That wasn't dreadful at all! It was wonderful! And it was your own fault!"

**"How is it, Draco?" simpered Pansy Parkinson. "Does it hurt much?"**

**"Yeah," said Malfoy, putting on a brave sort of grimace. But Harry saw him wink at Crabbe and Goyle when Pansy had looked away.**

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, please…"

**"Settle down, settle down," said Professor Snape idly.**

"Listen to that!" outraged James. "That doesn't sound good at all! 'Professor Snape'? It… How could he become a professor? It's just not right! We've barely even started the chapter, and already I'm angry!"

**Harry and Ron scowled at each other; Snape wouldn't have said "settle down" if _they'd_ walked in late, he'd have given them detention.**

James made a growling noise, Sirius looked both angry and confused, Remus raised his eyebrows, and Peter's mouth dropped slightly.

"Favorites!" shouted James, pointing at the book.

**But Malfoy had always been able to get away with anything in Snape's classes; Snape was head of Slytherin House, and generally favored his own students above all others.**

Sirius blinked a few times. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Did the book just say that Snivellus is _Head of Slytherin House?_"

Remus, who also couldn't believe what he had just read, reread the sentence to himself. "Yes… it did."

"THIS IS A SCANDAL!" bellowed James. "SNIVELLUS IS NOT FIT TO BE A PROFESSOR, AND CERTAINLY NOT FIT TO BE HEAD OF SLYTHERIN HOUSE! HOW COULD DUMBLEDORE LET HIM!"

"OBVIOUSLY, SNIVELLUS GOT AHOLD OF DUMBLEDORE, KNOCKED HIM OUT, AND FORCED HIM TO MAKE HIM BE HEAD OF SLYTHERIN!" Sirius yelled along with James. No matter the situation, James and Sirius could always ramble on and on about how much they loathed Snape.

"Yeah, that's it!" said James frantically. "And now, with his evil position of Head of Slytherin, he's going to try and take points away from everyone so that Slytherin can win the House Cup!"

"And then, with his horrible glory, the students will put him on a pedestal and feed him bowls of cherries!" added Sirius.

"Cherries?" asked Peter.

"I dunno, just thought it would fit," Sirius answered.

Remus gave a small cough. "Might I suggest we find out by reading the rest of the chapter, and…er… trying to restrain ourselves from falling into long drawn-out rants about Snape and what he could be doing?"

"Oh, fine," said James, looking sour. Had Snape been in the room at the moment, there was no doubt James would have hexed him to pieces. And Snape had barely done anything in the chapter yet.

**They were making a new potion today, a Shrinking Solution.**

"I wish some of that solution would find its way onto Snivelly's brain…" mumbled Sirius.

**Malfoy set up his cauldron right next to Harry and Ron, so that they were preparing their ingredients on the same table.**

**"Sir," Malfoy called, "sir, I'll need help cutting up these daisy roots, because of my arm-"**

**"Weasley, cut up Malfoy's roots for him," said Snape without looking up.**

"What!" said James and Sirius, simultaneously.

**Ron went brick red.**

**"There's nothing wrong with your arm," he hissed at Malfoy.**

**Malfoy smirked across the table.**

**"Weasley, you heard Professor Snape; cut up those roots."**

**Ron seized his knife, pulled Malfoy's roots toward him, and began to chop them roughly, so that they were all different sizes.**

"Yes, that'll show him to make Harry and Ron do his bidding," Sirius grinned.

"Actually, with the sound of how Malfoy is, I doubt that'll actually show him…" said Remus.

**"Professor," drawled Malfoy, "Weasley's mutilating my roots, sir."**

**Snape approached their table, stared down his hooked nose at the roots, then gave Ron an unpleasant smile from beneath his long, greasy black hair.**

**"Change roots with Malfoy, Weasley."**

"What!" said James and Sirius again.

"I've had enough of this kid! He is exactly like his father!" declared Sirius. "And I've barely said two words to him!"

"Well, _I've_ had enough of Snivellus!" said James. "And I've said plenty of words to him!"

**"But, sir-!" **

**Ron had spent the last quarter of an hour carefully shredding his own roots into exactly equal pieces.**

"He was doing so well, too!" said Remus. "Now all of his hard work is being taken away from him!"

**"Now," said Snape in his most dangerous voice.**

"Which is?" asked James. "Does he have one? Because I don't think I've ever heard it."

**Ron shoved his own beautifully cut roots across the table at Malfoy, then took up his knife again.**

**"And sir, I'll need this shrivelfig skinned," said Malfoy, his voice full of malicious laughter.**

**"Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig," said Snape, giving Harry the look of loathing he always reserved just for him.**

"What!" said James and Sirius once more.

"You're the teacher, why don't _you_ skin it for your student!" outraged James. "You just sit around in your class on your lazy arse, where meanwhile, my son is trying to make his own potion! He doesn't need to be making Malfoy's potion too! You just wait until I see you this school year! I'll hex you so bad for what you're going to be doing in the future!"

"Ooh, I'd like to see that," said Peter eagerly.

"Oh, don't worry. You'll be seeing _more_ than that," said Sirius, much too angry at the future Snape to care or realize that he was agreeing with James.

"Yes. You definitely will. We'll show Snivellus what he's got coming," said James, also too angry at future Snape to care or realize that he was agreeing with Sirius.

"Now… I can understand how upset you all are," said Remus. "I am too, believe me. But I really think that if you keep interrupting me for ten minutes after every few sentences, we're never going to finish the book. It's already getting late, we might have to finish it another day."

"Come on! We have to keep going!" Peter protested.

"Yes, I want to as well… but we must be realistic," continued Remus. "We're not even halfway through the book. And Padfoot, Wormtail, and I have been here for most of the day. My parents will probably want me home soon."

"It's not _that_ late," James said, rolling his eyes. "If my mum comes up to tell you guys that you have to go home, I'll just say you guys are sleeping over. She won't mind." He paused. "I think. We can stay up all night and keep reading. And then we'll sleep for an hour, and then wake up early and keep reading."

Remus and Peter nodded. Sirius began to make a motion as if to say, 'Hey, Prongs, mate, thanks. You know I don't want to go back home', but then changed his mind and looked back at the book.

**Harry took Malfoy's shrivelfig as Ron began trying to repair the damage to the roots he now had to use. Harry skinned the shrivelfig as fast as he could and flung it back across the table at Malfoy without speaking. Malfoy was smirking more broadly than ever.**

"You mean Harry didn't fling it so that it hit Malfoy in the eye?" asked Peter sadly. "That would've been cool."

"Yeah, it would have been…" said James and Sirius.

**"Seen your pal Hagrid lately?" he asked them quietly.**

**"None of your business," said Ron jerkily, without looking up.**

**"****I'm afraid he won't be a teacher much longer," said Malfoy in a tone of mock sorrow**_._

"I offer to give you some _real_ sorrow," Sirius said.

**"Father's not very happy about my injury-"**

**"Keep talking, Malfoy, and I'll give you a real injury," snarled Ron.**

"Yeah! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" endorsed Sirius. "I told you guys Ron was a very good character. Hope he goes through with that."

**"- he's complained to the school governors. And to the Ministry of Magic. Father's got a lot of influence, you know. And with a lasting injury like this" –he gave a huge, fake sigh- "who knows if my arm'll ever be the same again?"**

"Who cares?" said James. "Just shut it, Malfoy."

**"So that's why you're putting it on," said Harry, accidentally beheading a dead caterpillar because his hand was shaking in anger. "To try and get Hagrid fired."**

"They can't fire Hagrid!" shouted Peter.

"No, they can't!" added Remus. "They have no logical justification to! Malfoy was the one who should've been obeying the rules of hippogriffs. See, I've told you all why you should pay attention in class."

"Um, Moony," said James. "This had nothing to do with paying attention in class. Malfoy heard Hagrid, and that little berk just felt like being horrible. It was his own fault he got injured!"

"I know," said Remus. "But I'm just trying to make a life lesson as well as give you all a point."

"Does anyone not see how this guy is going to be a professor?" asked Sirius. "He's trying to teach us already."

Remus smiled in a satisfied sort of way and then continued reading.

**"Well," said Malfoy, lowering his voice to a whisper, "partly, Potter. But there are other benefits too. Weasley, slice my caterpillars for me."**

"Please don't," said Sirius.

**A few cauldrons away, Neville was in trouble. Neville regularly went to pieces in Potions lessons; it was his worst subject, and his great fear of Professor Snape made things ten times worse.**

"Poor Neville," Peter said.

"Professor Snape. Hmm, frightens all, doesn't he?" asked Remus.

"Who thought our little Snivelly would get so terrifying," said James, trying to go for the mock-parental tone, but ruining it because he was just so angry.

"Actually, I'm just terrified of the fact that Snivellus gets the word 'Professor' in front of his name," said Sirius. "Glad I'm not going to school then."

**His potion, which was supposed to be a bright, acid green, had turned-**

**"Orange, Longbottom," said Snape, ladling some up and allowing it to splash back into the cauldron so that everyone could see. "Orange. Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours? Didn't you hear me say, quite clearly, that only one rat spleen was needed? Didn't I state plainly that a dash of leech juice would suffice? What do I have to do to make you understand, Longbottom?"**

"Whoa. Okay, Moony," began Sirius, "I know how you like to put a lot of expression in your reading. It makes it more fun. But that… that just scared me. Getting a little too far into character, aren't you?"

"It's rather fun to read a mean, evil person. It's entirely different from myself," shrugged Remus.

"You're a little too good. Have you been practicing or something?" asked Sirius.

"No," said Remus. "Although, sometimes I do have surges of malevolence and anger."

"Hmm…yeah, you do," said Sirius, remembering how frustrated Remus had been about an hour ago. "We don't see you like that much. It's scary."

"Well, one of my condition would try to contain acting like that, now wouldn't they?" said Remus.

"Yeah, they would."

"Then I've proved my point."

"Wait. What point?"

"He's teaching us again," said Peter. "Keep reading, Moony."

**Neville was pink and trembling. He looked as though he were on the verge of tears.**

"Don't cry, Neville!" said James. "Punch Snivelly in the stomach so he'll cry!"

"Prongs!" said Remus disapprovingly.

**"Please, sir," said Hermione, "please, I could help Neville put it right-"**

**"****I don't remember asking you to show off, Miss Granger," said Snape coldly, and Hermione went as pink as Neville**_._

Sirius gasped. "She wasn't going to show off, she was just going to help him!"

"Yes," said Peter. "I really think Snivellus _does_ have problems."

**"Longbottom, at the end of this lesson we will feed a few drops of this potion to your toad and see what happens. Perhaps that will encourage you to do it properly."**

"Look!" cried James. "Now he's trying to kill his toad or something! That's it, Snivellus has gone too far… And like I said, we're barely through the chapter and I'm already angry!"

**Snape moved away, leaving Neville breathless with fear.**

**"Help me!" he moaned to Hermione.**

**"Hey, Harry," said Seamus Finnigan, leaning over to borrow Harry's brass scales, "have you heard? _Daily Prophet_ this morning- they reckon Sirius Black's been sighted."**

There was sudden silence in the room. All the irritation at Snape had made the four boys temporarily forget that Sirius was to be a convicted murderer in the future. As Remus read the sentence, too annoyed at Snape to try and remember not to make any references to Sirius being a murderer, the anger came back to everyone. They sat there in complete silence.

"Uh…well…" said Sirius tentatively, breaking the silence, "Maybe the Azkaban people will find me, catch me, lock me back in Azkaban, and the story will have a really happy ending and you'll never have to worry about big ol' murderer me ever again."

"Until you manage to break out again!" retorted James.

Remus continued reading quickly before any yelling could break out. Unfortunately, the book was still talking about Sirius.

**"Where?" said Harry and Ron quickly. On the other side of the table, Malfoy looked up, listening closely.**

**"Not too far from here," said Seamus, who looked excited. "It was a Muggle who saw him. 'Course, she didn't really understand. The Muggles think he's just an ordinary criminal, don't they? So she phoned the telephone hot line. By the time the Ministry of Magic got there, he was gone."**

"Well, that's just _great_, isn't it?" said Peter. "Just think, Padfoot. You could have been captured and we wouldn't have to worry!"

**"Not too far from here…" Ron repeated, looking significantly at Harry_._**

"Hey, I think I know what Ron is getting at…" said James.

"Stop getting at it!" yelled Sirius. "Just shut up, Ron!"

**He then turned and saw Malfoy watching closely. "What, Malfoy? Need something else skinned?"**

**But Malfoy's eyes were shining malevolently, and they were fixed on Harry. He leaned across the table.**

**"Thinking of trying to catch Black single-handed, Potter?"**

James pondered this idea. "Hmm… It'd be bad of you to go and catch a murderer if he's just going to kill you, Harry."

"I'm not going to kill anyone!" shouted Sirius.

"How do we know?" said James shrewdly. "I mean, you did kill those thirteen people!"

"Everyone, please, shut up!" yelled Remus. "We've gone through this a thousand times. And you all keep saying the same thing over and over anyway. Let's just keep reading!"

"Fine," said Peter.

**"Yeah, that's right," said Harry offhandedly.**

"I really wonder if you're serious about that, Harry. Don't get yourself killed!" said James.

**Malfoy's thin mouth was curving into a mean smile.**

**"Of course, if it was me," he said quietly, "I'd have done something before now. I wouldn't be staying in school like a good boy, I'd be out there looking for him."**

**"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" said Ron roughly.**

**"Don't you know****, Potter?" breathed Malfoy, his pale eyes narrowed**_._

"Know what?" asked James.

"_Know what?"_

**Malfoy let out a low, sneering laugh.**

**"Maybe you'd better not risk your neck," he said. "Want to leave it to the dementors, do you? But if it was me, I'd want revenge. I'd hunt him down myself."**

"That's…special, Malfoy," said Sirius, still being cautious to whatever he said.

**"What are you talking about?" said Harry angrily, but at that moment Snape called, "You should have finished adding your ingredients by now; this potion needs to stew before it can be drunk, so clear away while it simmers and then we'll test Longbottom's…"**

**Crabbe and Goyle laughed openly, watching Neville sweat as he stirred his potion feverishly. Hermione was muttering instructions to him out of the corner of her mouth, so that Snape wouldn't see.**

"And I sure hope he doesn't," said Sirius, trying to bring everyone back on the topic of hating Snape. "Remember that one time where Moony finally gave in and started telling me the answers in Transfiguration but then McGonagall caught you?"

"I think it's impossible for me to forget that one," said Remus. "She gave me a detention for cheating. It was awful. I'd just like to say that that's the last time I ever help you cheat."

"But how would you like knowing that me, Wormtail, and Prongs would fail without your help?" asked Sirius.

"I'm sure that you'd all manage without my help," said Remus.

"No we wouldn't!" said Sirius. "Isn't that right guys?"

James and Peter didn't answer. To Remus, it seemed as if James and Peter would have preferred to ignore Sirius altogether.

"…Guys?"

"Sure," said James.

"Yeah," said Peter.

**Harry and Ron packed away their unused ingredients and went to wash their hands and ladles in the stone basin in the corner.**

**"What did Malfoy mean?" Harry muttered to Ron as he stuck his hands under the icy jet that poured from the gargoyle's mouth. "Why would I want revenge on Black? He hasn't done anything to me- yet."**

James gave a loud cough that sounded like, "Yeah, not _yet_."

**"He's making it up," said Ron savagely. "He's trying to make you do something stupid…"**

"Exactly!" Sirius blabbered on. "Malfoy's making everything up, like we should've know. With his father being who he is! Heh, heh… there shouldn't be any reason for us to worry about me…"

**The end of the lesson in sight, Snape strode over to Neville, who was cowering by his cauldron.**

**"Everyone gather 'round," said Snape, his black eyes glittering, "and watch what happens to Longbottom's toad. If he has managed to produce a Shrinking Solution, it will shrink to a tadpole. If, as I don't doubt, he has done it wrong, his toad is likely to be poisoned."**

"You know, I always wonder about that one," said Remus.

"What's there to wonder about?" asked Peter. "Snape's evil. We know. Wondering's done."

"No, no, not about that," said Remus. "About the name of the potion. Why call it a Shrinking Solution if it's not technically shrinking? Neville's toad becoming a tadpole would mean the toad was getting younger, not shrinking. If it was shrinking, it would just be a toad with less mass."

The three other boys stared at him.

"And just think," said James. "We haven't even gotten to your class yet."

"I don't think the book should have told Moony that he's going to be a professor," Peter added. "You seem to enjoy teaching us now."

"Well…maybe…just a _bit_," Remus admitted.

"Case proven," said Sirius. "Now, Professor Moony, if you'd like to keep reading the book so we can yell and scream at Snivellus?"

"Not for that point, no, but I'm going to keep reading anyway," said Remus.

**The Gryffindors watched fearfully. The Slytherins looked excited. Snape picked up Trevor the toad in his left hand and dipped a small spoon into Neville's potion, which was now green. He trickled a few drops down Trevor's throat.**

**There was a moment of hushed silence, in which Trevor gulped; then there was a small pop, and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm.**

"Ha!" yelled Sirius. "You didn't get to poison Trevor after all!"

**The Gryffindors burst into applause. Snape, looking sour**_-_

"I'm sorry, I just love hearing about Snivellus' facial expressions when he's angry," interrupted James happily.

**-pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robe, poured a few drops on top of Trevor, and he reappeared suddenly, fully grown.**

**"Five points from Gryffindor," said Snape, which wiped the smiles from every face. "I told you not to help him, Miss Granger. Class dismissed."**

"What!" said Sirius and James together for the fourth time that chapter.

"That's not the kind of behavior a professor should demonstrate!" said Remus. "You can't take away house points because a student got the potion right! Well… except for the part where Hermione was telling Neville how to do it… but still, how could Snape have known?"

"He's evil," said Peter simply.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed the steps to the entrance hall. Harry was still thinking about what Malfoy had said, while Ron was seething about Snape.**

**"Five points from Gryffindor because the potion was all right! Why didn't you lie, Hermione? You should've said Neville did it all by himself!"**

**Hermione didn't answer. Ron looked around.**

**"Where is she?"**

"Teaching Snivelly a lesson?" suggested Sirius. "I agree with Ron."

**Harry turned too. They were at the top of the steps now, watching the rest of the class pass them, heading for the Great Hall and lunch.**

**"She was right behind us," said Ron, frowning.**

**Malfoy passed them, walking between Crabbe and Goyle. He smirked at Harry and disappeared.**

"Hey, don't you smirk and disappear at _my_ son!" said James.

**"There she is," said Harry.**

**Hermione was panting slightly, hurrying up the stairs; one hand clutched her bag, the other seemed to be tucking something down the front of her robes.**

**"How did you do that?" said Ron.**

**"What?" said Hermione, joining them.**

**"One minute you were right behind us, the next moment, you were back at the bottom of the stairs again."**

"Yeah, that _was _a little weird," Sirius said.

**"What?" Hermione looked slightly confused. "Oh- I had to go back for something. Oh no-"**

**A seam had split on Hermione's bag.**

"Well, that stinks," said Peter. "Now she'll have to go buy a new one."

"Says Mr. Obvious," said Sirius.

**Harry wasn't surprised; he could see that it was crammed with at least a dozen large and heavy books.**

**"Why are you carrying all these around with you?" Ron asked her.**

"Because she's trying to build arm muscles since I don't think she's on the Quidditch team?" guessed James.

**"You know how many subjects I'm taking," said Hermione breathlessly. "Couldn't hold these for me, could you?"**

**"But-" Ron was turning over the books she had handed him, looking at the covers. "You haven't got any of these subjects today. It's only Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon."**

**"Oh yes," said Hermione vaguely, but she packed all the books back into her bag just the same. "I hope there's something good for lunch, I'm starving," she added, and she marched off toward the Great Hall.**

**"D'you get the feeling Hermione's not telling us something?" Ron asked Harry.**

"Yes," said James. Then a second later, he said, exasperatedly, "Girls! You can never understand them!"

"Have you tried to understand Lily?" asked Remus.

"Somewhat," said James.

"Then there's your point."

"Oh, stop teaching me."

"Actually, I wasn't."

**Professor Lupin-**

Remus stopped, and a blissful expression passed over his face. "Sorry, I just like the ring of that," he told his friends. "_Professor_ Lupin. It sounds so nice."

**-wasn't there when they arrived at his first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson.**

"Where are you?" inquired Sirius. "You've been talking about how great it is to be a professor and how to do the job and now you're not there! Where are you?"

"How am I supposed to know?" asked Remus.

"Because you're you!" said Sirius.

"That's really an ambiguous statement," Remus pointed out. "Are you saying that I would know because I should know where my future self is, or I would know because I'm me and you think that I tend to know the answer to everything?"

"See, now you're just confusing me on purpose!" Sirius said. "Just so I won't bother you about it anymore. That's annoying."

**They all sat down, took out their books, quills, and parchment, and were talking when he finally entered the room. Lupin smiled vaguely and placed his tatty old briefcase on the teacher's desk. He was as shabby as ever but looked healthier than he had on the train, as though he had had a few square meals.**

"That's sort of offensive," commented Remus, frowning. "It isn't my fault."

"We know," said James. "Just continue. You're already being so professor-y by smiling at your students and putting your briefcase on the desk."

**"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands."**

"Why? What are you going to do?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't know," Remus said, shrugging.

"But you should know. You're you!" said Sirius again. He then grinned. "Couldn't resist."

"Sure you couldn't," said Remus. "This is weird. Reading what I'm going to say. It's just kind of awkward, you know?"

"But you're doing fine at it," said James. "Don't worry. Keep going."

**A few curious looks were exchanged as the class put away their books. They had never had a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts before, unless you counted the memorable class last year when their old teacher had brought a cageful of pixies to class and set them loose.**

"That actually sounds fun," said James. "I hope Snivellus was there and they attacked him."

"I wonder if he did that on purpose," said Peter.

"Exactly," said Remus. "That's not responsibility at all!"

**"Right then," said Professor Lupin-**

Remus stopped again and started smiling to himself. "Again, sorry. It just sounds very nice."

**-when everyone was ready. "If you'd follow me."**

**Puzzled but interested, the class got to its feet and followed Professor Lupin-**

And again Remus stopped.

"You okay, Moony?" Peter asked.

"Yes," said Remus. "That's the last time I'll do it, I promise. I just really like how it sounds. Plus, it's still kind of weird realizing what I'll be doing years from now and reading about it now."

"I can relate," grunted Sirius.

**-out of the classroom. He led them along the deserted corridor and around a corner, where the first thing they saw was Peeves the Poltergeist, who was floating upside down in midair and stuffing the nearest keyhole with chewing gum.**

"I guess he just doesn't get tired of that one," said Peter.

**Peeves didn't look up until Professor Lupin was two feet away; then he wiggled his curly-toed feet and broke into song.**

Remus stopped again.

"Don't tell me, it said the name 'Professor Lupin' again?" asked James.

"No," said Remus, shaking his head. His eyes glanced around the next lines on the page. "It's just… wow, can't believe he's still doing it…"

"What?" asked Sirius. Without waiting for an answer, he leaned over and took the book from Remus and looked around until he found what they were about to read. "Hey! I know this song!"

"What song?" asked James, and he too leaned over just slightly so he could read. "Oh, that song…"

"Which song?" said Peter, who also leaned over to read what James and Sirius were looking at. "Oh. The song."

"Sorry, Moony," said James.

"It's okay," said Remus. "It's just quite an annoying song. You've no idea how many times I've heard it."

"_Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin…_" sang Peter under his breath.

Remus glared at him. Once Peter saw this, he stopped.

"Sorry, the melody is really catchy," said Peter sheepishly.

"Well, since Wormtail's already sang the song, guess I'll just skip over that bit," said Remus, taking the book back from Sirius.

**Rude and unmanageable as he almost always was, Peeves usually showed some respect toward the teachers. Everyone looked quickly at Professor Lupin to see how he would take this; to their surprise, he was still smiling.**

"Yes, Moony, that's the way to behave!" said Sirius. "Smile! As you so often do, anyway."

**"I'd take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves," he said pleasantly. "Mr. Filch won't be able to get in to his brooms."**

**Filch was the Hogwarts caretaker, a bad-tempered, failed wizard who waged a constant war against the students and, indeed, Peeves. However, Peeves paid no attention to Professor Lupin's words, except to blow a loud wet raspberry.**

"Even though I enjoy him when he taunts Snivellus, I still say Peeves needs an intervention," said James flatly.

**Professor Lupin gave a small sigh and took out his wand.**

**"This a useful little spell," he told the class over his shoulder. "Please watch closely."**

"Ooh, what are you going to do?" asked Peter.

"Will you stop asking me that?" said Remus. "I don't know!"

"Sorry."

**He raised the wand to shoulder height, said, "_Waddiwasi!_" and pointed it at Peeves.**

**With the force of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves's left nostril; he whiled upright and zoomed away, cursing.**

"Awesome, Moony!" said Sirius. "You got rid of Peeves. Didn't think you had it in you."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" asked Remus.

"Just that I didn't think we'd rubbed our influences on you enough to make you cast funny little spells on people. Clearly, I'm wrong," said Sirius.

"Clearly," Remus grinned.

**"Cool, sir!" said Dean Thomas in amazement.**

"Look, Moony, they're amazed by you," said James encouragingly.

**"Thank you, Dean," said Professor Lupin, putting his wand away again. "Shall we proceed?"**

"I think we shall," Sirius said.

**They set off again, the class looking at shabby Professor Lupin with increased respect.**

"And glad to hear that," said Remus. "As it seems they think of me as just their shabby looking teacher. Suppose they're right, though."

"Oh, who cares about your robes?" said Sirius. "Keep reading."

**He led them down a second corridor and stopped, right outside the staffroom door.**

**"Inside, please," said Professor Lupin, opening it and standing back.**

**The staffroom, a long, paneled room full of old, mismatched chairs, was empty except for one teacher. Professor Snape was sitting in a low armchair, and he looked around as the class filed in.**

"Hey, this is Moony's class, get your greasy self out, Snivellus!" shouted Sirius.

"Yeah, what's he doing here?" said Peter.

**His eyes were glittering and there was a nasty sneer playing around his mouth.**

"But isn't there always?" asked James in a mock questioning tone.

**As Professor Lupin came in and made to close the door behind him, Snape said, "Leave it open, Lupin. I'd rather not witness this."**

"Good. Get out," repeated Sirius.

**He got to his feet and strode past the class, his black robes billowing behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no one's warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."**

"Oh, now that's not very nice!" said Remus, frowning. "I do hope I have a pleasant come back for Snape."

"Yes, that's the spirit!" said Sirius.

**Neville went scarlet. Harry glared at Snape; it was bad enough that he bullied Neville in his own classes, let alone doing it in front of other teachers**_._

"Go away, Snivellus. Leave Neville alone!" added James.

**Professor Lupin had raised his eyebrows.**

**"I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation," he said, "and I am sure he will perform it admirably."**

"Aww, Moony, you're so nice," said Peter.

**Neville's face went, if possible, even redder. Snape's lip curled, but he left, shutting the door with a snap.**

**"Now, then," said Professor Lupin, beckoning the class toward the end of the room, where there was nothing but an old wardrobe where the teachers kept their spare robes. As Professor Lupin went to stand next to it, the wardrobe gave a sudden wobble, banging off the wall.**

**"Nothing to worry about," said Professor Lupin calmly because a few people had jumped backward in alarm. "There's a boggart in there."**

Peter grumbled. "Not boggarts…"

"Well, don't worry. I'm going to teach them all how to take care of a boggart easily, and everyone is going to be happy about it," said Remus. "Erm, I hope."

"Course they are," said James.

**Most people seemed to feel that this was something to worry about. Neville gave Professor Lupin a look of pure terror, and Seamus Finnigan eyed the now rattling doorknob apprehensively.**

**"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces," said Professor Lupin. "Wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under the sinks- I've even met one that had lodged itself into a grandfather clock."**

The four boys started laughing.

"I assume you're talking about the one at my house?" asked Sirius. "I hate that thing. But it was really funny when you guys were over and the boggart was there."

"Especially when you're mum started going nuts!" chuckled Peter.

"Of course, I _did_ get rid of it at the end," said James, putting on a bunch of arrogant pride for laughs, and glancing over at Sirius, but then quickly back away.

"Well, yes, and that boggart turning into a person from St. Mungo's saying that you'd fallen a thousand feet on your broomstick and would never be able to fly or play Quidditch again was really very amusing," added Remus.

"That wasn't amusing!" snapped James. "That was sad! Can you imagine me not being able to play Quidditch ever again?"

"I can," said Peter. "And I'm having a really funny image here."

**"This one moved in yesterday afternoon, and I asked the headmaster if the staff would leave it to give my third years some practice. **

**"So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a boggart?"**

Remus paused, and then smiled at his friends. "So, can any of you tell me?"

"Great, you're going to be teaching us during the whole book, aren't you?" asked Sirius.

"No. Just practicing for my future career."

"I want to keep hearing the story. So, a boggart is a creature that takes different shapes to scare people," answered James.

"Hmm…" said Remus, acting as if he really was teaching his friends. "I think you could've answered it better than that. But anyway, let's keep reading."

**Hermione put up her hand.**

**"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."**

**"Couldn't have put it better myself," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione glowed.**

"Oho!" called out Sirius. "Favoritism!"

"I'm not favoring anyone!" said Remus. "I'm just saying that she did a good job answering! Which, she did. You need to learn some teaching methods, Padfoot."

Sirius shook his head. "No, thanks."

**"So the boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears.**

**"This means," said Professor Lupin, choosing to ignore Neville's small sputter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"**

"Now wait a minute!" said James. "As good a teacher as you're being, Moony, you can't just call on my son when he doesn't his hand raised!"

"Maybe he does," said Remus. "Have you thought of that?"

"Well, then that'd be good," shrugged James. "But if he doesn't, then why are you calling on him?"

"To make sure he's not turning out just like his father?" Remus laughed.

"I resent that. Turning out like me isn't bad at all!"

**Trying to answer a question with Hermione next to him, bobbing up and down on the balls of her feet with her hand in the air, was very off-putting, but Harry had a go.**

"Aha. Sounds like he didn't raise his hand after all!" said James.

**"Er- because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?"**

**"Precisely," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione put her hand down, looking a little disappointed.**

"And look! He wasn't prepared but he _still_ got it right!" James gushed. "Oh, he makes me so proud."

"We know, Prongs," said Peter. "We know."

**"It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake- tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening."**

"When was that?" asked Peter.

"I don't know," said Remus. "Must be sometime in the future."

**"The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is _laughter_. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing.**

**"We will practice the charm without wands first. After me please…_riddikulus!_**_"_

_"Riddikulus_!" cried James, Sirius, and Peter.

Remus smiled. "I guess there's hope for you guys after all," he joked, although he was really grateful that they were playing along with him.

"There's always hope when you're being taught by a great teacher," said James.

"Yes, can you start teaching now?" asked Sirius. "I'm so tired of Professor Giles."

Remus laughed at them. "You all know quite well that I can't teach now. I'm only sixteen, and we're just going into our sixth year."

"But, you're right to the point, usually," said Peter. "And Professor Giles just goes on and on and on…"

Remus smiled at them all again and then continued reading.

**"_Riddikulus!_" said the class together.**

**"Good," said Professor Lupin. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I'm afraid. You see, the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville."**

"Why, what are you going to do?" asked James.

"You all seem to have a habit of asking me questions that I don't know the answer to yet," commented Remus lightly.

"We just happen to have inquisitive minds because of you," said James.

**The wardrobe shook again, though not as much as Neville, who walked forward as though he were heading for the gallows.**

**"Right, Neville," said Professor Lupin. "First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"**

"That's kind of mean," said Peter. "Asking him in the middle of the class so that everyone knows!"

"Well, if this is about boggarts, then everyone's going to see everyone's fears anyway," said Remus quickly.

"Then I'll get to know what Harry fears most?" said James.

"I suppose so," answered Remus.

"Yes! More things I get to know about my son!" cried James.

**Neville's lips moved, but no noise came out.**

**"Didn't catch that, Neville, sorry," said Professor Lupin cheerfully.**

**Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape."**

All four boys broke into laughter. Even Remus did, he couldn't help himself. Although, it wasn't as loud as the laughter coming from James and Sirius.

"Oh, I just _knew_ Snivellus would be some kid's nightmare, I _knew_ it!" said Sirius, trying to talk while laughing. "You better make this one good, Moony. We will laugh at him until we can laugh no longer!"

"It'll serve him right for scaring kids!" cried James.

"He will get his lesson!" added Peter.

**Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically. Professor Lupin, however, looked thoughtful.**

**"Professor Snape…hmmm…Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"**

**"Er- yes," said Neville nervously. "But- I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."**

"Aww, that just stinks," said Peter. "Neville's afraid of Snape, his grandmother, and he nearly killed his toad by not doing his potion right. He's sure having a bad day, isn't he?"

**"No, no, you misunderstand me," said Professor Lupin, now smiling. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"**

**Neville looked startled, but said, "Well…always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top."**

"Which is what I don't understand," said James. "Tell us, Professor Moony, why does Neville's grandmother wear a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top?"

"Because old women tend to make bad fashion choices?" said Remus, giving a premise. "I really don't know."

**"And a long dress…green, normally…and sometimes a fox-fur scarf."**

"Great," said Sirius. "So we have a hat with a stuffed vulture and a scarf of fox fur. These are certainly some…interesting clothing choices. Very interesting. So interesting that I would call them strange, and then, better yet, bizarre."

"How about we just call them tacky?" suggested Peter.

**"And a handbag?" prompted Professor Lupin.**

**"A big red one," said Neville.**

**"Right then," said Professor Lupin. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"**

"Oh, I know I can," said Sirius.

**"Yes," said Neville uncertainly, plainly wondering what was coming next.**

**"When the boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will assume the form of Professor Snape," said Lupin.**

"Yes, every kid's fantasy!" mocked James. "Seeing a teacher that scares them coming out of a wardrobe!"

**"And you will raise your wand- thus- and cry '_Riddikulus_'- and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red hand bag."**

The four boys began laughing again, but much harder. This time, it sent James and Sirius especially into hysterics. They both fell down on the floor. James was laughing too hard to talk.

Sirius, on the other hand, managed to bark out, between laughs, "Moony, I think I love you."

Remus choked on his laughter, and had to be patted several times on the back by the ever-guffawing Peter before he could regain his quiet dignity.

"Padfoot," he said, panting between words. "You do not say things like that when a person is busy laughing! It only causes them to almost die!"

"Sorry!" said Sirius, who was still trying to stop laughing. "But, if we weren't both guys, I would. That is the best idea I have ever heard of!" he added, and fell back into hysterics again.

Several minutes later, all four of the boys were quiet again, but their cheek muscles ached and their faces were flushed red from all the laughter.

"As I was saying," said Sirius, "that is the best thing I have ever heard of. Snivelly in a dress…ooh, that's going to be a hoot."

"If only we could actually see it," whined Peter.

"Yeah!" said James excitedly. "Because if we could, then I'd take a picture. And then, I vote: blackmail!"

Peter and Sirius started laughing again. Remus snorted against his will before putting on a stern face and saying, "Prongs!"

"I'm just joking, of course!" said James. "It's not like we get to see it anyway…" He pouted.

"Then it's time once again for the limitless bounds of your imagination," said Remus. "Back to the story we go."

**There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.**

**"If Neville is successful, the boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," said Professor Lupin. "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical…"**

**The room went quiet. Harry thought…What scared him most in the world?**

"Tell me!" cried James.

**His first thought was Lord Voldemort- a Voldemort returned to full strength.**

"Oh…poor, Harry," said James.

"Let's all just be glad he isn't around now," said Sirius.

"That's right…" said Peter.

**But before he had even started to plan a possible counterattack on a boggart-Voldemort, a horrible image came floating to the surface of his mind…**

"Boggart-V-Voldemort wearing… moldy shorts?" gasped Peter.

"No, that'd be _funny_," said Sirius, smacking Peter on the back of the head.

**A rotting, glistening hand, slithering back beneath a black cloak…a long, rattling breath from an unseen mouth… then a cold so penetrating it felt like drowning…**

"It can't be the dementors!" yelled James. "Harry, what are you going to do? Hmm… maybe you can make them do an interpretive dance routine."

"Or tell you how to plant your garden," said Peter.

**Harry shivered, then looked around, hoping no one had noticed. Many people had their eyes shut tight. Ron was muttering to himself, "Take its legs off." Harry was sure he knew what that was about. Ron's greatest fear was spiders.**

**"Everyone ready?" said Professor Lupin.**

**Harry felt a lurch of fear. He wasn't ready.**

"Stop, Moony, stop. Harry isn't ready!" said James.

"Well, my future self doesn't know that, I can't read his mind!" Remus told him.

"Then become a Legilimens! _Then_ you'll realize that Harry isn't ready."

**How could you make a dementor less frightening? But he didn't want to ask for more time; everyone else was nodding and rolling up their sleeves.**

"I feel really bad now," said Remus. "What happens when the boggart comes to Harry and he's not ready?"

"You should have thought of that before you asked if everyone was ready, shouldn't you?" said James.

"Let's just hope Harry is a fast thinker then," Remus continued. "And if he's anything like you, Prongs, which I'm sure he is, then he will be."

**"Neville, we're going to back away," said Professor Lupin. "Let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward…Everyone back, now, so Neville can get a clear shot-"**

**They all retreated, backed against the walls, leaving Neville alone beside the wardrobe. He looked pale and frightened, but he had pushed up the sleeves of his robes and was holding his wand ready.**

"I'm still not understanding how pushing up the sleeves of your robes makes you braver," said Sirius.

"But you do it all the time," pointed out Peter.

"So?" asked Sirius.

**"On the count of three, Neville," said Professor Lupin, who was pointing his own wand at the handle of the wardrobe. "One- two- three- now!"**

**A jet of sparks shot from the end of Professor Lupin's wand and hit the doorknob. The wardrobe burst open. Hook-nosed and menacing, Professor Snape stepped out, his eyes flashing at Neville.**

**Neville backed away, his wand up, mouthing wordlessly.**

"Come on, Neville, you can do it!" encouraged Remus.

"Yes, go and teach Snivellus a lesson," added James.

**Snape was bearing down upon him, reaching inside his robes.**

**_"R-r-riddikulus!_" squeaked Neville.**

**There was a noise like a whip crack. Snape stumbled; he was wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and he was swinging a huge crimson handbag.**

The boys started laughing again.

"I really wish I had that camera for blackmailing," James sighed.

"Haha, the dress has _lace_ on it and the vulture is _moth-eaten!_" said Peter. "This just gets better and better!"

**There was a roar of laughter; the boggart paused, confused, and Professor Lupin shouted, "Parvati! Forward!"**

"No!" yelled Sirius. "I'm having too much fun laughing at my image of Snivellus in that dress!"

**Parvati walked forward, her face set. Snape rounded on her. There was another crack, and where he had stood was a bloodstained, bandaged mummy; its sightless face was turning to Parvati and it began to walk toward her very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising-**

**"Riddikulus!" cried Parvati.**

**A bandage unraveled at the mummy's feet; it became entangled, fell face forward, and its head rolled off.**

"Wish that could happen to Snivelly," mumbled Sirius.

**"Seamus!" roared Professor Lupin.**

**Seamus darted past Parvati.**

**Crack! Where the mummy had been was a woman with floor-length black hair and a skeletal, green-tinged face- a banshee. She opened her mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the room, a long, wailing shriek that made the hair on Harry's head stand on end-**

"Okay, now I'm glad I'm not there," said James.

_**"Riddikulus!" **_**shouted Seamus.**

**The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat; her voice was gone.**

**Crack! The banshee turned into a rat, which chased its tail in a circle-**

"Which I would certainly never do," said Peter stiffly.

**-then- crack!- became a rattlesnake, which slithered and writhed before- crack!- becoming a single bloody eyeball.**

**"It's confused!" shouted Lupin. "We're getting there! Dean!"**

**Dean hurried forward.**

**Crack! The eyeball became a severed hand, which flipped over and began to creep along the floor like a crab.**

**_"Riddikulus!"_ yelled Dean.**

**There was a snap, and the hand was trapped in a mousetrap.**

**"Excellent! Ron, you next!"**

**Ron leapt forward.**

**Crack!**

**Quite a few people screamed. A giant spider, six feet tall and covered in hair, was advancing on Ron, clicking its pincers menacingly. For a moment, Harry thought Ron had frozen. Then-**

**_"Riddikulus!_" bellowed Ron, and the spider's legs vanished; it rolled over and over; Lavender Brown squealed and ran out of its way and it came to a halt at Harry's feet. He raised his wand, ready, but-**

**"Here!" shouted Professor Lupin suddenly, hurrying forward.**

"What did you do that for!" James shouted at Remus. "Harry was just about to face the boggart, and you stopped him!"

"Erm… I'm not sure! Stop asking questions that I can't possibly know the answers to yet!" said Remus. "But, you said yourself that you didn't want Harry to have to face it without being prepared first!"

"But not with everyone seeing you deliberately stopping him!" protested James.

Remus did not know what to say to this, so he kept on reading.

**Crack!**

**The legless spider had vanished. For a second, everyone looked wildly around to see where it was. Then they saw a silvery-white orb hanging in the air in front of Lupin, who said, _"Riddikulus!"_ almost lazily.**

"How teacher-ly of you," said Peter. "Letting the whole class see your worst fear so that you can stop the boggart."

"Good to hear I was perfectly calm and collected there," said Remus. "Especially since they all ended up seeing that evil thing. I hope none of them figure it out." He then stopped, looking fearful.

"They're not going to," said Sirius quickly. "They couldn't even find where the boggart went. I doubt they even care what your boggart looks like. They're all too busy having fun." He smiled hopefully at his pal.

**Crack!**

**"Forward, Neville, and finish him off!" said Lupin as the boggart landed on the floor as a cockroach.**

"Ha ha, cockroaches _are _kind of funny, even if they're gross too," said Peter.

**Crack! Snape was back. This time Neville charged forward looking determined.**

**"_Riddikulus!_" he shouted, and they had a split second's view of Snape in his lacy dress before Neville let out a great "Ha!" of laughter, and the boggart exploded, burst into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone. **

**"Excellent!" cried Professor Lupin as the class broke into applause. "Excellent, Neville. Well done, everyone…Let me see… five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart- ten for Neville because he did it twice… and five each to Hermione and Harry."**

**"But I didn't do anything," said Harry.**

"Wow. Harry sounded awfully negative and whiny," said James, shaking his head. "Even though it's true. Because someone" –he coughed at Remus- "didn't let Harry face the boggart!"

**"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry," Lupin said lightly.**

Remus looked knowingly at James.

"Okay, well, Harry _did _do that."

**"Very well, everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on boggarts and summarize it for me… to be handed in on Monday. That will be all."**

"You know, Moony," said Sirius. "An even better teacher wouldn't give any homework."

"Be quiet, you," said Remus.

**Talking excitedly, the class left the staffroom. Harry, however, wasn't feeling cheerful. Professor Lupin had deliberately stopped him from tackling the boggart. Why?**

"I'd like to know!" added James.

**Was it because he'd seen Harry collapse on the train, and thought he wasn't up to much? Had he thought Harry would collapse again?**

"Well, do you?" James asked Remus assertively.

"Of course I don't!" said Remus. "And I don't think my future self does either!"

**But no one else seemed to have noticed anything.**

**"Did you see me take that banshee?" shouted Seamus.**

**"And the hand!" said Dean, waving his own around.**

**"And Snape in that hat!"**

**"And my mummy!"**

**"I wonder why Professor Lupin's frightened of crystal balls?" said Lavender thoughtfully.**

"You stand corrected," Remus told Sirius.

"Uh… well…" began Sirius, "she thinks you're afraid of crystal balls. Not the moon. So nothing to worry about!"

"Let's just hope she doesn't get too thoughtful, hmm?" said Remus.

**"That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron excitedly as they made their way back to the classroom get their bags.**

As Remus read, he couldn't help smiling slightly.

**"He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermione approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart-"**

**"What would it have been for you?" said Ron, sniggering. "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?"**

"And so ends chapter seven," said Remus, still smiling.

"Even though you stopped Harry from facing the boggart, I really have to say that you make an awesome teacher, Moony," said James.

"I think you could kick Professor Giles out anytime," said Peter.

"See, you were born to be a professor," said Sirius. "You're great! Much better at this than I'd ever be."

Remus smiled at his friends. "Thanks, you guys."

Then suddenly, an idea occurred to him. Remus frowned.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius.

"I'm really not a good teacher at all," he sighed.

"Yes you are!" said James. "Believe me!"

"Well…" said Remus. "I _might_ believe you if you and Padfoot make up and stop being so angry at each other."

"I can't do that!" said James, going cross.

"And neither can I!" said Sirius huffily.

"Oh, yes you can," said Remus. "I saw both of you during the chapter. You were nearly acting as if you were best friends again. In fact, there were times when you were. Prongs, we all know Padfoot very well, and we know he'd never be a murderer-"

"Thanks for mentioning it again," interpolated Sirius.

"Sorry," said Remus, and then continued, "-so there must be some sort of reasoning for this to have happened. Padfoot, Prongs is just excited and concerned for the son he just found out he has, and already its sad that Harry doesn't have his parents, so he's just very worried again. You guys can't stay angry forever."

"What if we can?" they both asked at the same time.

"Then on the next full moon night, which is two nights from now I'll remind you, I see a little stag and a little black dog getting their arses made into grass," said Remus casually.

"Oh, fine," said James. He turned to Sirius. "Sorry mate."

"Yeah, you too," said Sirius. "I really don't want to be a… a murderer, you know."

"I know. Must be hard," said James.

"Now shake," added Remus.

"What?" they asked.

"Do I see a month's worth of detentions too?" said Remus ominously.

Sirius and James shook hands, then started laughing at the silliness of it all.

"Good to see you two back again," said Remus.

"Sure is," said Peter. "It was kind of weird not seeing you guys talk with each other."

James and Sirius looked at Remus and Peter, and then just started laughing again.

"Yes, I think they're definitely back," nodded Remus.

With no hard feelings in the group and laughter filling the room, they were all ready to go on to the next chapter and enjoy themselves.

It was just too bad they didn't have many chapters left that they would enjoy.


	8. Chapter 8

There was a knock on the door.

"Uh… Who is it?" called out James.

"It's your mother, James Potter. Now open up."

James got up from the floor and went over to open the door to his room. His mother stood in the doorframe.

"You boys have been making an awful lot of noise here," said Mrs. Potter.

"What can we say? We're guys," grinned Sirius.

"So, mum, you were coming here to say?" James pressed on.

His mother looked around at them all. "Well, it's getting late, and I think your friends should be going home since they've been here most of the day."

"No! Wait!" begged James. "Let them all stay over. We're still having too much fun."

"With what?"

"A book," answered Peter.

Mrs. Potter laughed. "Does it have to do with Quidditch?"

"No, not exactly…" said Sirius.

She laughed some more. "Well, getting James to read anything that's not about Quidditch is okay with me."

"_Mum…"_ said James.

"Okay, I'm going." She looked back at Sirius, Remus, and Peter. "Are you sure it'll be okay with your families?"

"Of course," said Sirius, effortlessly.

"I'm pretty sure," said Remus.

"It should be okay," said Peter.

"I'll just go owl your families, then," said Mrs. Potter. She smiled at her son and his friends and made to close the door.

"Thank you, Mrs. Potter," said Remus as she was leaving.

"Yeah, thanks!" added Peter.

"Always glad to be here at my second home!" called Sirius.

The door closed. James cheered.

"Yes! Now we can stay up all night reading!"

Remus stared at James. "I don't think I've ever heard anything like that statement come out of your mouth. Ever."

"It's a rarity," shrugged James.

"We did stay up all night during our fifth year reading books on how to become Animagi, though," said Peter. "And we also stayed up late when we were, you know, in our second year and trying to figure out what was going on with you, Moony."

"I realize now that the only reasons I've stayed up all night reading is because of you, Moony," said Sirius. "You better appreciate that."

"Oh, I do, don't worry," Remus said. "I appreciate everything you guys have done. Erm, everything that was meant for a positive result, anyway," he added at the end, remembering a few not-too-nice pranks that his friends had pulled on him.

"Anyway," said Peter. "Since we're all here, can we read more of the story now?"

Remus readjusted his sitting position so he could be comfortable reading, and began once again.

"Chapter Eight._ Flight of the Fat Lady_."

"I didn't know portraits could fly," said Peter.

"Maybe she's inventing a flying machine," guessed James. "Or," he continued on, with mounting excitement, "she got herself a Firebolt!"

There was a loud groan from the other three boys.

**In no time at all, Defense Against the Dark Arts had become most people's favorite class.**

Remus was unable to suppress a huge smile as he read the sentence.

"We told you, Moony," said James.

"Yes," said Sirius. "They love you, they really love you!"

"It was a great class you taught," said Peter.

**Only Draco Malfoy and his gang of Slytherins had anything bad to say about Professor Lupin.**

Remus sighed. "Of course…"

"I bet we have even _more _bad things to say about that nasty piece of scum," said Sirius.

**"Look at the state of his robes," Malfoy would say in a loud whisper as Professor Lupin passed. "He dresses like our old house-elf."**

"Hey!" snapped Remus.

"Yeah, well, Malfoy must dress like a… an… ugly… blonde… duck!" said Peter.

James raised his eyebrows. "Wow, Wormtail. I don't think you should be writing the comebacks anymore."

"I tried," pointed out Peter.

"But not enough," said Sirius with a dramatic sigh. "That'll never make the Sirius Black's Comebacks Book."

"Now you have a book?" asked Peter.

"It's in progress," laughed Sirius.

**But no one else cared that Professor Lupin's robes were patched and frayed.**

"Yep, they don't care! Forget about Malfoy, son of the world's most annoying berk!" said Sirius.

**His next few lessons were just as interesting as the first. After boggarts, they studied Red Caps, nasty little goblinlike creatures that lurked wherever there had been bloodshed: in the dungeons of castles and the potholes of deserted battlefields, waiting to bludgeon those who had gotten lost.**

"Like I've been saying. I really hope Snivellus meets some of those," said James.

"I'm really not even going to bother reprimanding you every time you talk about giving physical violence to Snape anymore," said Remus. "You do it much too often."

**From Red Caps they moved onto kappas, creepy water-dwellers that looked like scaly monkeys with webbed hands itching to strange unwitting waders in their ponds**_._

"I hope Snivellus meets some of those as well," said James.

True to his word, Remus did not say anything, but still did frown.

**Harry only wished he was as happy with some of his other classes. Worst of all was Potions.**

"Anything being taught by Snivellus is worst of all!" said Sirius.

**Snape was in a particularly vindictive mood these days, and no one was in any doubt why. The story of the boggart assuming Snape's shape, and the way that Neville had dressed it in his grandmother's clothes, had traveled through the school like wildfire.**

"Word still gets around fast at Hogwarts," commented Peter. "That's good."

**Snape didn't seem to find it funny.**

"Oh, but we most certainly _do_," said James and Sirius, both grinning evilly.

**His eyes flashed menacingly at the very mention of Professor Lupin's name, and he was bullying Neville worse than ever.**

"Great. So now Snape wants to murder me or cause me physical pain of some sort," said Remus with sarcasm in his voice. He sighed again. "Maybe I shouldn't have done that… I mean, it's my fault that Neville is getting bullied quite badly now."

"Live a little," said James. "Learn to love making fun of Snivelly. Think of it as revenge!"

"Revenge for what? What's he done to us?" asked Remus.

"Well… I dunno. He exists. Something! Just, don't regret it," said James.

**Harry was also growing to dread the hours he spent in Professor Trelawney's stifling tower room-**

"Who wouldn't?" said Remus bitterly.

**-deciphering lopsided shapes and symbols, trying to ignore the way Professor Trelawney's enormous eyes filled with tears every time she looked at him. He couldn't like Professor Trelawney, even though she was treated with respect bordering on reverence by many of the class.**

James threw his hands in the air. "What's wrong with them all? How can you worship someone who keeps saying my son is going to die! It's not right! It's not fair!"

"Here, here," added Remus.

**Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown had taken to haunting Professor Trelawney's tower room at lunchtimes, and always returned with annoyingly superior looks on their faces, as though they knew things others didn't.**

"Well done," said Sirius sarcastically. "So they've finally realized what Trelawney must be on. Good job."

**They also started using hushed voices whenever they spoke to Harry, as though he were on his deathbed.**

"But he's not!" cried James. "If Trelawney says that Harry will die one more time…"

**Nobody really liked Care of Magical Creatures, which, after the action-packed first class, had become extremely dull. Hagrid seemed to have lost his confidence. They were now spending lesson after lesson learning how to look after flobberworms, which had to be some of the most boring creatures in existence.**

**"Why would anyone _bother_ looking after them?" said Ron, after yet another hour of poking shredded lettuce down the flobberworm's slimy throats.**

**At the start of October, however, Harry had something else to occupy him, something so enjoyable that it make up for his unsatisfactory classes.**

An eager grin spread over James' face. "I know! It's a Firebolt! It just has to be! This time, it must!"

Once again, Sirius automatically shoved his hand on James' mouth, though James just pushed the hand off of him. "But the Firebolt! Harry needs one of those!"

Remus peered down at the book. "You're actually pretty close. I think this'll cheer you up a bit…"

**The Quidditch season was approaching-**

"YES!" cheered James. "Quidditch is much better than any class, satisfactory or otherwise!"

The other three boys couldn't help but raise eyebrows and smirk over at James.

**-and Oliver Wood, Captain of the Gryffindor team, called a meeting one Thursday evening to discuss tactics for the new season.**

**There were seven people on a Quidditch team-**

"Well of course there are! Three Chasers, two Beaters, one Seeker, and one Keeper," James said, naming the positions off. "Hmm… you know, this year they need a new Seeker. I've always wanted to try being the Seeker. Sounds fun."

"But you're already such a good Chaser!" said Peter. "Why switch?"

"Why not? I've practiced a lot before."

Sirius snorted. "If you call that practicing..."

James sneered. "And what would you call it?"

"I'd call it, 'Prongs Starts Showing Off With His Snitch In Front Of Lily Evans So That She'll Date Him, and Wormtail Also Starts Wetting Himself'," answered Sirius.

"I do not!" Peter said crossly, though Sirius ignored this statement and continued on.

"Or in short, it's called, 'Date Me, Lily Evans.'"

"Now, just because I _happen_ to be practicing whenever Lily just _happens_ to be around and she just _happens_ to be close to where we are doesn't mean I'm showing off." He paused, and then added, "And at least I have my eyes set on just one girl, not a hundred like you do."

Sirius chose to answer this (or perhaps not answer it at all) by staring around at the ceiling.

**-three Chasers, whose job it was to score goals by putting the Quaffle (a red, soccer-sized ball) through one of the fifty-foot-high hoops at each end of the field;-**

"Go Chasers!" yelled James loudly, giving a huge whoop.

**-two Beaters, who were equipped with heavy bats to repel the Bludgers (two heavy black balls that zoomed around trying to attack the players);-**

"Go Beaters!" cheered James, though not quite as loudly as he had yelled out for the Chasers. "Good 'ol Beaters. Always making sure that everyone else doesn't get hit." He frowned. "Of course, there was that _one_ time…"

"You know, I like the Beaters," said Sirius. "It must be fun getting to fly around and hit stuff."

Peter looked shrewdly at him. "Oh, so now you think hitting people is fun?"

Sirius eyed him. "No. I said I like to hit _stuff_, Wormtail, not _people. _Besides, the girl beater on our team is pretty cute. I wonder what her name is…"

Remus sighed. "She's in all of our classes, Padfoot! For six whole years, and you can't remember what her name was? There's something wrong with you."

Sirius gave a shrug and grinned.

"So many girls, so little time," he said, which caused James and Peter to start laughing, and Remus to say, "You must think girls are growing off trees, or something. Why don't you learn some appreciation?"

"I _do_ appreciate them," said Sirius. "I appreciate their existence."

**-a Keeper, who defended the goal posts**-

"Go Keeper!" shouted James.

**-and the Seeker, who had the hardest job of all, that of catching the Golden Snitch, a tiny, winged walnut-sized ball, whose capture ended the game and earned the Seeker's team an extra one hundred and fifty points.**

"And go Seeker!" called James. "What would we do without him? No, wait, then _I_ could be Seeker. I'll have to decide which position I like more one day."

**Oliver Wood was a burly seventeen-year-old, now in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts. There was a quiet sort of desperation in his voice as he addressed his six fellow team members in the chilly locker rooms on the edge of the darkening Quidditch field.**

**"This is our last chance- _my_ last chance- to win the Quidditch Cup," he told them, striding up and down in front of them. "I'll be leaving at the end of this year. I'll never get another shot at it."**

"Oh, poor Oliver!" James said. "All of his dreams are going to be crushed! Speaking of the Quidditch Cup, we'd better win it again this year."

**"Gryffindor hasn't won for seven years now."**

At this, James' jaw fell open.

"_Seven years?_" repeated James, aghast. "But- but, this can't be! What in Merlin's name _happened_ to the Gryffindor Quidditch team of the future? This isn't possible! How can our team be so horrible in the future?"

"Well… there are _different players,"_ suggested Remus.

"Still!" said James in a tone that sounded as if he'd just given a ten-minute rant. "You know what? I bet if they all had Firebolts, they could win that year! That's what Harry and his team needs! Firebolts!"

James' three friends groaned, much too tired of hearing James talk about Firebolts and also too tired to do anything about it.

**"Okay, so we've had the worst luck in the world- injuries- then the tournament getting called off last year…"**

"It _what?_" asked James. "How? Why? There has to be a law against _canceling Quidditch!"_

**Wood swallowed, as though the memory still brought a lump to his throat. "But we also know that we've got the best- ruddy- team- in- the- school," he said, punching a fist into his other hand, the old manic glint back in his eye.**

"Sounds like you, Prongs," Peter said, nudging him.

"I don't mind that at all," said James. "I like the way this guy's brain works."

**"We've got three _superb_ Chasers."**

**Wood pointed at Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Johnson, and Katie Bell.**

**"We've got two _unbeatable_ Beaters."**

**"Stop it, Oliver, you're embarrassing us," said Fred and George Weasley together, pretending to blush.**

**"And we've got a Seeker who has _never failed to win us a match!_" Wood rumbled, glaring at Harry with a kind of furious pride.**

James' face lit up. "Really?" he repeated keenly. "I'm so glad that all of my wonderful Quidditch talent has been passed onto him! Never lost a match! It's too bad he can't come to school this year and be _our_ Seeker. We'd have a great team!"

"Uh… but it'd be kind of disgusting if you think about it," Peter said, scrunching his face up at the thought.

James paused. "Yeah, you're right."

**"And me," he added as an afterthought.**

**"We think you're very good too, Oliver," said George.**

**"Spanking good Keeper," said Fred.**

**"The point is," Wood went on, resuming his pacing, "the Quidditch Cup should have had our name on it these last two years. Ever since Harry joined the team, I've thought the thing was in the bag."**

"Harry must be your best player, then," grinned James.

**Wood spoke so dejectedly that even Fred and George looked sympathetic.**

**"Oliver, this year's our year," said Fred.**

**"We'll do it, Oliver!" said Angelina.**

**"Definitely," said Harry.**

**Full of determination, the team started training sessions, three evenings a week. The weather was getting colder and wetter, the nights darker, but no amount of mud, wind, or rain could tarnish Harry's wonderful vision of finally winning the huge, silver Quidditch Cup.**

"Yeah, you've definitely passed on your Quidditch-loving genes to Harry," Peter said.

"Which can never be a bad thing," James said. "Not only do you need the _drive_ to be successful in Quidditch, but you also need the _dive._"

**Harry returned to the Gryffindor common room one evening after training, cold and stiff but pleased with the way practice had gone, to find the room buzzing excitedly.**

**"What's happened?" he asked Ron and Hermione, who were sitting in two of the best chairs by the fireside and completing some star charts for Astronomy.**

"I know," said James. "Clearly, someone's just decided to give away free Firebolts!"

"All right, you know, the Firebolt business isn't really funny anymore," said Remus, peering up from the book to look at James.

"I wasn't trying to be funny!" James responded. "I'm just trying to get Harry a Firebolt!"

Sirius, meanwhile, sighed and tried to take the conversation in a complete new direction.

"Hmm, I bet my name is on that star chart. Along with Andromeda, Bellatrix, Regulus, and quite a few other members of my wretched family."

"Probably is," said Peter. "I think it's cool you guys are all named after stars, though. It makes your name more interesting. 'Peter' sounds so… dull."

"Well, how would you like the background of your name to be about a Roman founder who was raised by a she-wolf and got killed by his twin brother?" asked Remus.

"Your name history always freaks me out a bit," said Peter.

**"First Hogsmeade weekend," said Ron, pointing at a notice that had appeared on the battered old bulletin board. "End of October. Halloween."**

**"Excellent," said Fred, who had followed Harry through the portrait hole. "I need to visit Zonko's. I'm nearly out of Stink Pellets."**

"What a coincidence! I am too!" said Sirius. "I really have to stock up before we get back to Hogwarts."

"Well, perhaps you'd still have some if you didn't celebrate the last day of term by pelting them all at the back of Snape's head," Remus said evenly.

"Oh, come _on_, Moony! I know that somewhere, deep down, you must've enjoyed watching Snivellus become smellier than he already is," Sirius pressed on.

"No, not really."

"I stand by what I said before. Fun-sucker. Fun. Sucker."

"I am not!"

"Are too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Not."

"Too."

Remus blinked. "Why am I even arguing with you in this pointless battle?"

"Because I suspect all of our habits have slowly begun to influence you too, Moony. Congratulations," said Sirius.

"It was bound to happen sooner or later," said James, looking very satisfied.

"Oh, wonderful. Thank you," Remus said with sarcasm, though smiling at them in a friendly way.

**Harry threw himself into a chair beside Ron, his high spirits ebbing away. Hermione seemed to read his mind.**

**"Harry, I'm sure you'll be able to go next time," she said. "They're bound to catch Black soon. He's been sighted once already."**

There was a sudden tense silence. It was the first time since James and Sirius had made up that Sirius' future self was mentioned.

"It's… it's all right, Padfoot," James said, looking over at his best friend. "I'll try not to scream over anything that your future self does, even though I probably won't like it. I'll try. I know you don't mean to do any of this."

Sirius grinned at him. "Thanks. Actually, I'm with you there. Maybe we can scream about the horrible things I do together."

**"Black's not fool enough to try anything in Hogsmeade," said Ron. "Ask McGonagall if you can go this time, Harry. The next one might not be for ages-"**

"Come on, Harry!" said James. "Just sneak out of the castle! It's easy! Well… if you've discovered the secret passageway…"

"Which I somehow have a feeling he hasn't discovered yet," Remus told him.

"Well, if he doesn't ever discover it, _and_ especially if he never gets the Marauder's Map and figures out how to work it, I'm going to be very disappointed in him," James huffed.

**"_Ron!"_ said Hermione. "Harry's supposed to stay _in school-"_**

**"He can't be the only third year left behind," said Ron. "Ask McGonagall, go on, Harry-"**

**"Yeah, I think I will," said Harry, making up his mind.**

"Okay then," said Peter. "Just be sure not to try and charm her like Sirius does."

"Hey, well, it works sometimes!" Sirius told them.

"Yes, except when you called her 'Minnie'," Remus reminded him.

James laughed. "Well, the first time we called her 'Minnie', she got really flustered, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Sirius agreed, now laughing as well. "And then she told us to get out of her office… ha ha, that was a good one…"

**Hermione opened her mouth to argue, but at that moment Crookshanks leapt lightly onto her lap. A large, dead spider was dangling from his mouth.**

**"Does he have to eat that in front of us?" said Ron, scowling.**

**"Clever Crookshanks, did you catch that all by yourself?" said Hermione.**

"No, someone just happened to decide to put a spider in his mouth," said Peter.

**"Just keep him over there, that's all," said Ron irritably, turning back to his star chart. "I've got Scabbers asleep in my bag."**

**Harry yawned. He really wanted to go to bed, but he still had his own star chart to complete. He pulled his bag toward him, took out parchment, ink, and quill, and started work.**

Sirius made a small face. "Go on, write it Harry. 'Sirius. The Dog Star'. There. You're done now. You can put on those nasty stars named Regulus and Bellatrix tomorrow."

Remus looked up and eyed Sirius, then continued on with a bit of insight in his voice.

**"You can copy mine, if you like," said Ron, labeling his last star with a flourish and shoving the chart toward Harry.**

"Or you could just copy Ron's!" finished Sirius brightly.

**Hermione, who disapproved of copying-**

"Like Moony," said Sirius.

Remus ignored him.

**-pursed her lips-**

"Like Moony," Sirius repeated.

**-but didn't say anything.**

"Like Moony."

Remus looked up. "I am not pursing my lips!" he said finally.

"Well… no," Sirius admitted. "But sometimes you do, and you aren't saying anything, and you don't really approve of cheating anyway."

"But at least you always let us get away with it," said Peter.

"Yes… well…"

"And sometimes you do it too," James pressed on, eyes glinting.

"That's beside the point!" Remus picked returned his gaze to the book.

**Crookshanks was still staring unblinkingly at Ron, flicking the end of his bushy tail. Then, without warning, he pounced.**

"Cover Harry's head! Cover his homework! Cover his broomstick!" called James.

"Wouldn't his broom be in the broom shed?" asked Sirius.

"You never know. Maybe he has it with him because he'd want to… polish it or something. For the training sessions. So Gryffindor can win the cup!"

**"OY!" Ron roared, seizing his bag as Crookshanks sank four sets of claws deep inside it and began tearing ferociously. "GET OFF, YOU STUPID ANIMAL!"**

"Hey! Crookshanks isn't stupid!" said Peter.

"But I guess he doesn't like Ron too much," said James.

"Probably doesn't want him to do his homework," Sirius sniggered.

**Ron tried to pull the bag away from Crookshanks, but Crookshanks clung on, spitting and slashing**_._

Sirius sniggered again.

"What's so funny?" Remus asked.

"I always thought that was a funny word. 'Slashing.'"

Remus looked thunderstruck. "You think a word that means the same thing as cutting, hacking, and tearing is funny?"

"Yeah," Sirius answered. "It just sounds kind of funny. Plus, it reminded me of Malfoy."

James gave a face of disgust, and then said in a voice full of sarcasm. "Oh yes, our dear old friend Draco Malfoy and his amazing un-injured arm."

"I think we should get Buckbeak back and ask him to hurt Malfoy properly," suggested Peter.

**"Ron, don't hurt him!" squealed Hermione; the whole common room was watching; Ron whirled the bag around, Crookshanks still clinging to it, and Scabbers came flying out of the top-**

"A flying rat!" cried Sirius.

"That's not funny!" Peter scowled. "Stop being so cruel to me and my fellow rats!"

**"CATCH THAT CAT!" Ron yelled as Crookshanks freed himself from the remnants of the bag, sprang over the table, and chased after the terrified Scabbers.**

**George Weasley made a lunge for Crookshanks but missed; Scabbers streaked through twenty pairs of legs and shot beneath an old chest of drawers. Crookshanks skidded to a halt, crouched low on his bandy legs, and started making furious swipes beneath it with his front paw.**

**Ron and Hermione hurried over; Hermione grabbed Crookshanks around the middle and heaved him away; Ron threw himself onto his stomach and, with great difficulty, pulled Scabbers out by the tail.**

**"Look at him!" he said furiously to Hermione, dangling Scabbers in front of her. "He's skin and bone! You keep that cat away from him!"**

"Aww, that poor rat," said Peter. "I hope Mrs. Norris doesn't go after him."

"Yes, because Mrs. Norris just loves to try and eat you for a nice snack, doesn't she?" teased Sirius.

"All right, you know, I am _not_ going to transform into a rat just so I can sneak in Filch's office and cause diversions for you guys again!" complained Peter. "Mrs. Norris always tries to eat me!"

"We wouldn't let her eat you, Wormtail," said Remus.

"But she certainly tried to!"

_**"Crookshanks doesn't understand it's wrong!" said Hermione, her voice shaking. "All cats chase rats, Ron!"**_

Peter gave a flinch as he said, "Yes, you bet they chase rats!"

**"There's something funny about that animal!" said Ron, who was trying to persuade a frantically wiggling Scabbers back into his pocket. "It heard me say that Scabbers was in my bag!"**

**"Oh, what rubbish," said Hermione impatiently. "Crookshanks could _smell_ him, Ron, how else d'you think-"**

**"That cat's got it in for Scabbers!" said Ron, ignoring the people around him, who were starting to giggle. "And, Scabbers was here first, _and_ he's ill!"**

**Ron marched through the common room and out of sight up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.**

**Ron was still in a bad mood with Hermione next day. He barely talked to her all through Herbology, even though he, Harry, and Hermione were working together on the same puffapod.**

**"How's Scabbers?" Hermione asked timidly as they stripped fat pink pods from the plants and emptied the shining beans into a wooden pail.**

**"He's hiding at the bottom of my bed, shaking," said Ron angrily, missing the pail and scattering beans over the greenhouse floor.**

**"Careful, Weasley, careful!" cried Professor Sprout as the beans burst into bloom before their very eyes.**

"Well… at least it wasn't some dangerous man-eating plant," said James.

**They had Transfiguration next. Harry, who had resolved to ask Professor McGonagall after the lesson whether he could go into Hogsmeade with the rest, joined the line outside the class trying to decide how he was going to argue his case.**

James cleared his throat. "Hello and good morning to my favorite teacher and the most knowledgeable professor about the immensely difficult but beautiful art of Transfiguration! I get a thrill every second of being in your class. Oh, my fond memories of, er, transfiguring things! I love you, Professor McGonagall. Well, of course, not really, but as my teacher. But the only thing that might compare to my love for you and your class would be going to Hogsmeade. I am sure that if you would give me permission to go even though my nasty uncle didn't sign my form, I could go to shops and learn some important things about Transfiguration. I could go to Zonko's and study all of those complex Transfiguration spells on their products! Or, I could go to the Three Broomsticks and have intellectual conversations with others about Transfiguration! So, please, Professor McGonagall, let me go to Hogsmeade. Please." He threw in a charming grin. "Or my father is going to be very, very, upset with you, and in the year 1976 he's going to prank you very badly."

"Not bad, Prongs. Nicely done," said Sirius, smiling back.

"I don't know if it'll work, but it would be really good if it did work. I wonder if you can charm McGonagall anymore," said Peter.

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Why is something telling me, Prongs, that you've tried saying something like this before?"

"Oh, that's because two years ago I used that speech on why I shouldn't have a week of detentions," answered James. "Except instead of talking about all the fun things I could do in Hogsmeade, I talked about all the fun Transfiguration I could go learn in the library."

"Did it work, by any chance?" asked Sirius.

James sighed. "No."

"You should have called her 'Minnie'," advised Sirius.

"Well, I think Harry should be able to go to Hogsmeade," Peter said. "She has to let him go!"

**He was distracted, however, by a disturbance at the front of the line.**

James whispered ever so lightly the word, "Firebolt."

**Lavender Brown seemed to be crying. Parvati had her arm around her and was explaining something to Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were looking very serious.**

**"What's the matter, Lavender?" said Hermione anxiously as she, Harry, and Ron went to join the group.**

**"She got a letter from home this morning," Parvati whispered. "It's her rabbit, Binky. He's been killed by a fox."**

Remus froze after this sentence. Noticing the sudden silence in his friend, Peter said, "Hey, Moony, she said a fox. Not a werewolf."

"I- I know," said Remus, still uneasy sounding. "It's just that, um, lately toward the end of the spring and the beginning of the summer, I've noticed myself having this strange attraction to rabbits, and, er… well, I'm sure it's just a phase, of course, and it'll go away eventually…"

Sirius snickered lightly. "Aww. Bunnies. They're actually kind of cute, you know. Well, at least, Bellatrix had a cute rabbit before she beheaded it and it bled all over her room as it died a painful death, but before that when she just got it as a cute, white, fluffy baby rabbit, it hopped along happily and-"

"Shut it, Padfoot! You're not helping!" Remus snapped, abruptly returning to the book.

**"Oh," said Hermione, "I'm sorry, Lavender."**

**"I should have known!" said Lavender tragically. "You know what day it is?"**

"No, I haven't looked at a calendar in a while," said Peter.

"I think it might be sometime at the end of July for us," James said. "There aren't any Quidditch World Cup matches I can see this summer, so I don't really care."

**"Er-"**

**"****The sixteenth of October! 'That thing you're dreading, it will happen on the sixteenth of October!' Remember? She was right, she was right!**_"_

"No!" said Remus harshly. "She was not. She just happened to logically assume a reasonable and coincidental date… it doesn't mean anything. Divination isn't all that precise."

**The whole class gathered around Lavender now. Seamus shook his head seriously. Hermione hesitated; then she said, "You- you were dreading Binky being killed by a fox?"**

**"Well, not necessarily by a _fox,_" said Lavender, looking up at Hermione with streaming eyes, "but I was _obviously_ dreading him dying, wasn't I?"**

**"Oh," said Hermione. She paused again. Then-**

**"Was Binky an _old_ rabbit?"**

**"N-no!" sobbed Lavender. "H- he was only a baby!"**

**Parvati tightened her arm around Lavender's shoulders.**

**"But then, why would you dread him dying?" said Hermione.**

**Parvati glared at her.**

**"Well, look at it logically," said Hermione, turning the rest of the group.**

"Ah, I see the logic," said Remus. "Trelawney is an old fraud, right?"

**"I mean, Binky didn't even die today, did he? Lavender just got the news today-" Lavender wailed loudly. "-and she can't have been dreading it, because it's come as a real shock-"**

**"Don't mind Hermione, Lavender," said Ron loudly. "She doesn't think other people's pets matter very much."**

**Professor McGonagall opened the classroom door at that moment, which was perhaps lucky; Hermione and Ron were looking daggers at each other, -**

"Trelawney couldn't have been predicting death there, could she?" asked James with a slightly optimistic tone in his voice.

Remus gave a small tut. "How many times am I going to have to explain to you the meaning of 'expressions' and the concept of Trelawney being an old fraud?"

"Well, we know, we're not dumb," said Peter. "But we just like you having to explain it several times. It, er, gives you more practice for your future profession."

**-and when they got into class, they seated themselves on either side of Harry and didn't talk to each other for the whole class.**

Remus looked at James and Sirius. "Well, at least when they were angry and not speaking, they didn't resort to using Harry as a messenger."

"Yeah, well…" began Sirius.

"Messengers are really…" James tried to continue. But they were unable to find an excuse for the reason why they had used Peter as a messenger.

"You know what, Moony, it's a Marauder thing," said Sirius finally.

**Harry still hadn't decided what he was going to say to Professor McGonagall when the bell rang at the end of the lesson, but it was she who brought up the subject of Hogsmeade first.**

"Oh, did she announce that Harry can go anyway?" asked James hopefully.

**"One moment, please!" she called as the class made to leave. "As you're all in my House, you should hand in Hogsmeade permission forms to me before Halloween. No form, no visiting the village, so don't forget!"**

**Neville put up his hand.**

**"Please, Professor, I- I think I've lost-"**

**"Your grandmother sent yours to me directly, Longbottom," said Professor McGonagall. "She seemed to think it was safer. Well, that's all, you may leave."**

"Wait!" said James. "You need to make a special announcement about how Harry can go anyway because he's an awesome son!"

**"Ask her now," Ron hissed at Harry.**

**"Oh, but-" Hermione began.**

"Don't 'but' at Ron! Harry is going to go to Hogsmeade, and that's final!" said James.

"Well, unless McGonagall says no," Peter told them.

Sirius put on what he considered to be one of his charming faces and said, "It's all in the charm, Wormtail. All in the charm."

Remus snorted. "Yes, because you're such a Mr. Charming over there, aren't you?"

"Why, thank you, Moony. Indeed, I _am_ Mr. Charming," Sirius smiled, still with the charming face.

"Yes, so I suppose that you're going to add Cinderella to your girlfriend list now…"

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"Never mind…"

**"Go for it, Harry," said Ron stubbornly.**

**Harry waited for the rest of the class to disappear, then headed nervously for Professor McGonagall's desk.**

**"Yes, Potter?"**

**Harry took a deep breath.**

**"Professor, my aunt and uncle- er- forgot to sign my form," he said.**

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's real charm."

"Well… maybe Moony just didn't read it right!" James invented. "Maybe the way Harry _really_ said it was with the tone of a poor, hungry, orphan boy that nobody loves. Everyone loves a poor, hungry, orphan boy."

"But then how does nobody love him if everyone loves him?" Peter asked.

"Um… because they love how it's so sad that no one loves him."

**Professor McGonagall looked over her square spectacles at him but didn't say anything.**

"She must be too choked up to say anything!" said James. "She must let Harry go now! He's just a poor boy, and nobody loves him! Well, except for me… and all of you… and Evans… and Ron and Hermione and Mrs. Weasley and the rest of the Weasleys…"

**"****So- er- d'you think it would be all right- I mean, will it be okay if I- if I go to Hogsmeade?**_"_

"Oh, no," Sirius moaned. "That wasn't charm. That wasn't even poor orphan boy charm! That was poor-orphan-boy-who-needs-no-sympathy-speaking!"

"What are _you_ talking about?" asked James. "Harry needs lots of sympathy! That's the way he'll get to Hogsmeade! Not charm! Sympathy! He's just a poor boy, nobody loves him!"

**Professor McGonagall looked down and began shuffling papers on her desk.**

**"I'm afraid not, Potter," she said. "You heard what I said. No form, not visiting the village. That's the rules."**

"No! You have to let him go! Let him go!" cried James.

"Everyone breaks the rules anyway!" added Peter.

**"But- Professor, my aunt and uncle- you know, they're Muggles, they don't really understand about- about Hogwarts forms and stuff," Harry said, while Ron egged him on with vigorous nods. "If you said I could go-"**

**"But I don't say so," said Professor McGonagall,-**

"No! Say so! Let him go!" James cried again.

**-standing up and piling her papers neatly into a drawer. "The form clearly states that the parent or guardian must give permission." She turned to look at him, with an odd expression on her face. Was it pity?**

"Oh, you'd better hope it is!" said James angrily.

**"I'm sorry, Potter, but that's my final word. You had better hurry, or you'll be late for your next lesson."**

**There was nothing to be done.**

"NO!" screamed James, as if it was the end of the world. "No, no, no! Go to Hogsmeade! Use the Invisibility Cloak! Something!"

"I'm not sure the Invisibility Cloak will work… Maybe Hogwarts has smartened up and decided to add some extra security on the castle since we all keep breaking out of the castle in our four passage wonders," said Remus, a mischievous smile on his face.

"Three, you mean," said Peter. "I'm not sure, but I think Filch might've figured on out."

"Well, maybe if someone-" Sirius coughed something that sounded an awful lot like 'Prongs' "-would stop occasionally being so obvious with that Invisibility Cloak of his-"

"Hey! You know you like my Invisibility Cloak!"

"I- okay, yeah, you're right," Sirius smiled. "I like it. Um… not to be mean, but if you're dying, then can I have it for a while? You know, until Harry gets it?"

"No!" said James. "It's my only possession to pass onto him! And I don't even know when he gets it! What if he used it as a baby as his security blanket? Actually, then it would be a double security blanket… But the point is, you can't have it! Harry needs it more! Sorry."

"Just asking," said Sirius.

**Ron called Professor McGonagall a lot of names that greatly annoyed Hermione; Hermione assumed an "all-for-the-best" expression that made Ron even angrier, and Harry had to endure everyone in the class talking loudly and happily about what they were going to do first, once they got into Hogsmeade.**

"Oh, that's so rude!" said James. "Rubbing it in Harry's face about how they're going to Hogsmeade when he can't because of his evil uncle and aunt! Padfoot, do me a favor, and while you're on the run, go and murder them! Wait… no… because then where would he live? Well… okay, you can cause them harm or something… turn them into fruit bats for a while? Or just threaten them? Hmm…"

Sirius looked very uncomfortable during James' inquiring of things to do to the Dursleys, which Remus noticed and began reading quickly again.

**"There's always the feast," said Ron, in an effort to cheer Harry up. "You know, the Halloween feast, in the evening."**

**"Yeah," said Harry gloomily, "great."**

**The Halloween feast was always good, but it would taste a lot better if he was coming to it after a day in Hogsmeade with everyone else**_._

"Yes! My exact point!" agreed James.

**Nothing anyone said made him feel any better about being left behind.**

Sirius, fighting to keep a straight face, let out the words, "Harry, I love you" with a fake-girlish sort of tone.

This was too much for the boys, who all erupted into laughter as Sirius' partially straight face vanished completely.

"I love Harry, too!" cried James, completely serious about the matter. "I love you, Harry! This isn't fair!"

"Shhh…" said Remus, as James' declarations of love to his son grew steadily louder. "We don't want your mum coming back here and asking who Harry is. We'll be in for a long explanation."

"Well, unless you tell her you're gay and Harry is some good looking guy you like," suggested Peter.

James mouth fell open. "You are insane, Wormtail! There is only one true love for me, and that is Miss Lily Evans, who is now absolutely confirmed to be my wife!"

"I was only joking," said Peter.

"You know, I wish this book would hurry up and confirm who Sirius married, already," said Remus bitterly. "Then maybe he'll stop dating a new girl every month."

"Or week," continued Peter.

"Or day," Remus added.

"Or hour," Peter said.

"Or minute," Remus finished

Sirius crossed his arms. "I do not date someone new every minute and hour! Except for that one time! All the other times it's months or weeks! Well, and one time it was a day! But that's all! It's not my fault that I just happen to be more romantically inclined and more attractive to the female species!"

"Yes, it is," sulked Peter. "You've even got your own fan club, which you haven't bothered to put a stop to."

"I haven't encouraged them either," snapped Sirius. "Even though it's very flattering to see them running around with 'I heart Sirius Black' badges," he added, a grin sweeping across his face.

"Oh, I'm sure it is," said Remus, rolling his eyes in a rather morose fashion.

Sirius frowned at him, and then his expression became more eager. "Hey, I can get them to make you a fan club, too!"

"I don't want a fan club," stated Remus firmly.

"Why not?" asked Sirius. "It's fun. Prongs, you've got a sort of Quidditch Groupie Club, right?"

"Yeah!" said James, remembering this fact and drifting off into the look he wore when recalling Quidditch glory days.

"Exactly. They're fun," continued Sirius. "Lots of beautiful girls just _fawning_ over you. Screaming for you, begging for you, dying if you even give them a smile in the hallway…"

"No one's going to waste their time having a fan club over me. I'm not worthy. Now please, Padfoot, just shut up so I can read the book!" Remus snapped.

**Dean Thomas, who was good with a quill, had offered to forge Uncle Vernon's signature on the form, but as Harry had already told Professor McGonagall he hadn't had it signed, it was no good.**

"No!" cried James again, returning everyone's moods and thoughts to the few minutes before. "Harry was so close! Dean Thomas could have made Harry a forged signature and then he could've gone to Hogsmeade! But no!"

**Ron halfheartedly suggested the Invisibility Cloak, but Hermione had stamped on that one, reminding Ron what Dumbledore had told them about the dementors being able to see them.**

Sirius gave another shudder.

"Oh… yes…" said James regretfully. "I'd forgotten about that. But there has to be some way! He just _has_ to go to Hogsmeade, or I think I'll chuck this book out the window!"

"_Don't_ do that!" said Remus, slightly edging the book away from James. "That's the last thing we need! A book that involves us and people we know and tells us what we're doing in the future thrown out in the open out the window."

"I was kidding," said James sarcastically. "We haven't even found out the most important thing yet- who won the Quidditch Cup! Oh- and if Padfoot gets his name cleared," he added, at a look from Sirius.

"Thank you," said Sirius.

Peter, however, looked a bit sad. "Well, that's fine for all of _you_. You've all been mentioned in the book. I'm not even in there."

"Well… Maybe you'll show up sometime later," suggested Remus.

**Percy had what were possibly the least helpful words of comfort.**

"And just what were those words?" asked James. " 'Ha, ha, Harry, you suck. I'm going to Hogsmeade and you're not'?"

**"They make a fuss about Hogsmeade, but I assure you, Harry, it's not all it's cracked up to be," he said seriously. "All right, the sweetshop's rather good, and Zonko's Joke Shop's frankly dangerous, and yes, the Shrieking Shack's always worth a visit, but really, Harry, apart from that, you're not missing anything."**

There was a pause before James said angrily, "Yeah! He might as well had just said, 'Ha, ha, Harry, you suck. I'm going to Hogsmeade and you're not'! Stupid Percy!"

**On Halloween morning, Harry awoke with the rest and went down to breakfast, feeling thoroughly depressed, though doing his best to act normally.**

**"We'll bring you lots of sweets back from Honeydukes," said Hermione, looking desperately sorry for him.**

**"Yeah, loads," said Ron. He and Hermione had finally forgotten their squabble about Crookshanks in the face of Harry's difficulties.**

"How nice of them! Always thinking of my son!" said James.

**"Don't worry about me," said Harry, in what he hoped was an offhand voice, "I'll see you at the feast. Have a good time."**

**He accompanied them to the entrance hall, where Filch, the caretaker, was standing inside the front doors, checking off names against a long list, peering suspiciously into every face, and making sure that no one was sneaking out who shouldn't be going.**

"Oh, just wait," said Peter. "One of these days he'll be so cranky and strict about it that he'll start poking everyone with a stick."

**"Staying here, Potter?" shouted Malfoy, who was standing in line with Crabbe and Goyle. "Scared of passing the dementors?"**

James let out a cry of anger. "No! You know he isn't scared! It's just that he'd rather not go anywhere where a filthy spoiled pureblood snotty kid will be! Harry is too good for that! Besides, he should go practice his Quidditch skills so that he can kick your arse on the next game! Which he would do anyway, because he's so good that he doesn't even half to train! And speaking of which, if he had a Firebolt-"

"-Then we would never have to hear you endlessly relating everything to it," finished Sirius. "New topic, please."

**Harry ignored him-**

"-Because Harry is just that cool and intellectual," interrupted James.

**-and made his solitary way up the marble staircase, through the deserted corridors, and back to Gryffindor Tower.**

**"Password?" said the Fat Lady, jerking out of a doze.**

**"Fortuna Major," said Harry listlessly.**

**The portrait swung open and he climbed through the hold into the common room. It was full of chattering first and second years, and a few older students, who had obviously visited Hogsmeade so often that the novelty had worn off.**

"Not possible," said Peter, shaking his head. "I love Hogsmeade!"

**"Harry! Harry! Hi, Harry!"**

**It was Colin Creevey, a second year who was deeply in awe of Harry and never missed an opportunity to speak to him.**

James smiled widely. "Aw, look! Harry's got himself a younger student in awe of him! Like Harry is his role model!"

"Or fan club idol!" said Sirius, jumping in. "Look, Moony, seems like Harry has himself a fan club too, even though we've only seen one member, but-"

"It would then classify Colin Creevey as 'Fanatical Fan Boy'. Now, _please_, Sirius, will you stop pestering me with these mentions of idiotic fan clubs?" said Remus, clearly annoyed.

"Oh, all right…"

**"Aren't you going to Hogsmeade, Harry? Why not? Hey" –Colin looked eagerly around at his friends- "you can come and sit with us, if you like, Harry!"**

"Yeah, that's about 'Fanatical Fan Boy' all right," said Peter.

James, meanwhile, was too preoccupied by saying, "Look! Harry's so popular with all the little students at Hogwarts! Well… I suppose if he _is_ famous for surviving the- the killing curse, then he _would_ be popular."

**"Er- no, thanks, Colin," said Harry, who wasn't in the mood to have a lot of people staring avidly at the scar on his forehead.**

"Mnn… Of course, it's possible to also be _too_ popular," said James.

**"I- I've got to go to the library, got to get some work done."**

**After that, he had no choice but to turn right around and head back out of the portrait hole again.**

**"****What was the point waking me up?" the Fat Lady called grumpily after him as he walked away**_._

"Just because we like making you complain," Sirius said.

**Harry wandered dispiritedly toward the library, but halfway there he changed his mind; he didn't feel like working.**

"Well, well- seems like Harry really _does_ take after Prongs," Remus joked.

"Ha, ha," said James dryly.

**He turned around and came face-to-face with Filch, who had obviously just seen off the last of the Hogsmeade visitors.**

**"What are you doing?" Filch snarled suspiciously.**

**"Nothing," said Harry truthfully.**

**"Nothing!" spat Filch, his jowls quivering unpleasantly. "A likely story! Sneaking around on your own- why aren't you in Hogsmeade buying Stink Pellets and Belch Powder and Whizzing Worms like the rest of your nasty little friends?"**

"Because Harry already has some," supplied Peter.

"Because Harry realized that it was time to try and become a mature thirteen year old," said Remus.

"Because Harry decided to go work on his charm with the ladies instead," said Sirius.

"Because Harry has the meanest aunt and uncle ever and now he can't go to Hogsmeade and this just isn't fair!" moaned James.

**Harry shrugged.**

"Come on! Our answers were better than that!" Peter said.

**"Well, get back to your common room where you belong!" snapped Filch, and he stood glaring until Harry had passed out of sight.**

**But Harry didn't go back to the common room; he climbed a staircase, thinking vaguely of visiting-**

"-his broomstick," answered James.

**-the Owlery to see Hedwig, and was walking along another corridor when a voice from inside one of the rooms said, "Harry?"**

"Is it another fan club member?" asked Peter.

**Harry doubled back to see who had spoken and met Professor Lupin, looking around his office door**_._

"Oh, it's me," said Remus. "I'd nearly forgotten about myself." He paused. "Wow, that sounded strange."

"Yes!" cheered James. "This is a great idea! Hanging out with Professor Moony may not be a Hogsmeade trip, but at least you're bound to protect him and pass on the sacred Marauder ways!"

"You think I'm really going to sit there and pass on sacred Marauder ways?" repeated Remus. "Harry doesn't even remember me! I can't pass on sacred Marauder ways if he doesn't even remember us! It doesn't sound like he remembers Padfoot either. And Wormtail- well, sorry, but you're just not in the book."

"That's okay," said Peter, though he clearly looked glum about this.

"Well, you can start passing on sacred Marauder ways by giving Harry the Marauder's Map!" suggested James.

"Hmm… it's an idea," said Remus. "But I don't even know where that thing is. It's not even mentioned in the book. You- you probably died with it."

"And what makes you say that?" James asked.

"You have it with you all the time."

James patted his left pants pocket protectively. "So?"

"My point exactly."

**"What are you doing?" said Lupin, though in a very different voice from Filch. "Where are Ron and Hermione?"**

**"Hogsmeade," said Harry, in a would-be casual voice.**

**"Ah," said Lupin. He considered Harry for a moment.**

"What are you considering, Moony?" asked James. "Hmm? What?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Remus asked back. "I'm not _that_ me yet, remember?" He paused again. "Oh God, I'm going to have a headache by the end of this."

"Yeah, you've been mentioned more than I have now, haven't you?" said Sirius.

"I think so," answered Remus.

"Well, enjoy!" said Sirius.

"Make the Marauders proud," said Peter.

James hissed, "Give Harry the map! Stop considering him! Consider giving him the map!"

**"Why don't you come in? I've just taken a delivery of grindylow for our next lesson."**

James made face of shock. "_That's_ what you were considering? Whether or not you should let him in just so he can see your annoying grindylow?"

"Hey! My grindylow is not annoying! At least, I don't believe it is," said Remus.

"I think it is," said Peter. "Remember Padfoot and me in Defense Against the Dark Arts with those things? 'It's easy' said Professor Giles. 'It's simple'. Yeah. Of course it was. To anyone that didn't get stuck with the big, fat, grumpy grindylow."

"I still have the scars from that experience," said Sirius haughtily.

"No, you don't," said Remus.

James laughed. "How do you know?"

"Because," said Remus. "Because grindylow scars don't last for years. Only a few weeks, at most. That's why."

"Well, I think scars make me look more manly," said Sirius.

It was now Peter who began laughing. His snorts continued on as Remus said, "You're too manly enough as it is, Padfoot! Scars do not make a person manlier! I've got hundreds of them, and I haven't gotten any manlier!"

"Maybe you haven't noticed," said Sirius.

"Yes, and maybe it's incredibly breathtaking, handsome, and attractive to be a hairy, flesh-eating wolf-man once a month."

"To some, maybe…" continued Sirius.

"And to everyone with a functioning brain in their head, not," finished Remus with a tone that all too clearly meant he was ending the discussion.

"Oh, but Moony-"

"Just let him read," said Peter.

**"A what?" said Harry.**

**He followed Lupin into his office. In the corner stood a very large tank of water.**

"Heh, going swimming, Moony?" James joked.

Remus, who was starting to get in quite a bad mood, replied by briefly looking up to glare at James, and then returned his attention to the book.

**A sickly green creature with sharp little horns had its face pressed against the glass, pulling faces and flexing its long, spindly fingers.**

**"Water demon," said Lupin, surveying the grindylow thoughtfully. "We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas. The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle."**

"Yeah, yeah, Professor Giles said that and look what happened," grumbled Peter.

**The grindylow bared its green teeth and then buried itself in a tangle of weeds in a corner.**

**"Cup of tea?" Lupin said, looking around for his kettle. "I was just thinking of making one."**

**"All right," said Harry awkwardly.**

"Don't be awkward, Harry!" said James. "You're hanging out with one of my best friends! And Moony is being so thoughtful right now, how nice of him- you- or- him… I don't know."

"You see now what I meant when I said this was going to give me a headache?" Remus said.

"Yes," said James. "Talking about your future-self in present tense really _is_ confusing."

"Join our club," said Sirius.

Peter crossed his arms. "But I can't join! I'm not in this story!"

"Well, at least then you won't have to worry about being a murderer!" said Sirius, pushing for fake optimism in his voice.

"Or that you'll somehow attack everyone and cause some huge disaster!" said Remus, sounding slightly close to hysterics.

"Or that you'll be dead!" said James, loudest of all.

Peter, still frowning, mulled it over. "Hm… yeah, I guess you're right."

**Lupin tapped the kettle with his wand and a blast of steam issued suddenly from the spout.**

**"Sit down," said Lupin, taking the lid off a dusty tin.**

"You better hope that dust doesn't get in Harry's tea!" said James.

Remus eyed him again, and James spoke again.

"What I mean is- it's really nice of you to invite Harry to have tea. Even if your tin is really dusty."

**"I've only got teabags, I'm afraid- but I daresay you've had enough of tea leaves?"**

**Harry looked at him. Lupin's eyes were twinkling.**

**"How did-"**

But Remus did not get to finish his (or rather, Harry's) sentence, because an interruption to his reading caused him to stop. "Padfoot, _what_ are you doing in my face?"

"Well, it just said your eyes were twinkling!" explained Sirius. "So I just wanted to see if they were twinkling now."

"It was probably just another expression," said Remus exasperatedly. "Hmm- _are_ they twinkling?"

"No."

"Then that probably means for you to get that head out of my face. What on earth is that disgusting smell, anyway?"

"Don't look at me!" said Peter quickly. "I used the bathroom! So I am not responsible for any nasty smells!"

"No, not that," said Remus. "It's really just- ergh- congesting."

James sniffed. "Hey Pads, are you wearing your cologne again?"

"Er, what would give you that idea?" Sirius asked, innocent tones failing.

"Hmm, I dunno, maybe it's that really _strong and nasty_ smell!" said Peter.

"For your information, if I happened to be wearing this said cologne, I spent five galleons on it and it works wonders with the young female population. And," continued Sirius, a mischievous gleam in his eye, "that's not to mention a few of the slightly older young female population."

"Oh, I'm not even going to start!" said Remus, throwing down his hands as James looked from Sirius to Remus with a blank expression on his face. This sort of thing had happened so many times before (and not only on this day) that James was simply used to it by now. Peter, on the other hand, was listening closely to Sirius' words.

"Does it really?" asked Peter. "Could I possibly- maybe- _borrow_ this?"

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, Wormtail, if you really think it would make that much of a difference."

Peter crossed his arms. "Oh, I hate you, Padfoot! You can be such a bully at times!"

**"How did you know about that?" Harry asked.**

**"Professor McGonagall told me," said Lupin, passing Harry a chipped mug of tea.**

"Professor McGonagall is such a gossip! Who knew?" said James.

"I always thought there was something about that woman," said Sirius, as Remus and Peter both rolled their eyes greatly.

"Hey, Moony, look, your mug is chipped," said Peter.

"Yes, I noticed that," said Remus. "That's all right. I suppose that in the future it… makes sense."

**"You're not worried, are you?"**

**"No," said Harry.**

**He thought for a moment of telling Lupin about the dog he'd seen in Magnolia Crescent but decided not to. He didn't want Lupin to think he was a coward, especially since Lupin already seemed to think he couldn't cope with a boggart.**

"Yes, Moony, why exactly is that?" James demanded. "Why won't you let him? He is the son of Evans and I, after all, and so that can only mean that Harry is an extremely magical boy."

"Well, then, maybe Moony didn't want him showing off," said Peter.

"Shut up. That wasn't nice. You're not such a magical boy yourself," said James.

"I am too! I just… take longer understanding things! I did, as you all know, manage the Animagus transformation! Which is very complex!"

"And took all the help you could get from me and Prongs," Sirius said. "Who, yes, managed it quite successfully! See Moony? Prongs and I are smart, really! We're just lazy!"

"And what an inspiring trait that is!" said Remus sarcastically.

**Something of Harry's thoughts seemed to have shown on his face, because Lupin said, "Anything worrying you, Harry?"**

**"No," Harry lied.**

"So that would be another inspiring trait, right?" asked Peter.

"Yes," said Remus. "Well… unless used for noble causes and protection of one's self and others."

"Good thing to keep in mind," said Peter.

**He drank a bit of tea and watched the grindylow brandishing a fist at him.**

"Doesn't seem like Harry's been using it for a noble cause. That grindylow looks very mad at him!" said James.

**"****Yes," he said, suddenly, putting his tea down on Lupin's desk**_._

"Now that's more like it!" Sirius said, and James overlapped him by saying, "Yeah! Now tell Moony you're no coward!"

"I didn't say he was a coward!" said Remus.

"But Harry thinks you think he's one," James said.

**"You know that day we fought the boggart?"**

**"Yes," said Lupin slowly.**

**"Why didn't you let me fight it?" said Harry abruptly.**

**Lupin raised his eyebrows.**

**"I would have thought that was obvious, Harry," he said, sounding surprised.**

"It's obvious?" asked James. "If it's so obvious, why haven't I thought of it yet?"

"Maybe because it was obvious to _Moony_ and not _you?_" said Peter.

"And what makes it so obvious to you that this obvious reason of Moony's only has obvious-osity to him?" said James.

"What?" said Peter.

"Well, if you must know, I think it's pretty obvious that 'obvious-osity' isn't a word," Remus said.

James brushed aside this information. "It is obvious that it will obviously be one now!"

**Harry, who had expected Lupin to deny that he'd done any such thing, was taken aback.**

**"Why?" he said again.**

**"Well," said Lupin, frowning slightly, "I assumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort."**

"SHUT UP MOONY! STOP SAYING THE NAME!" screamed Peter.

"Owww!" Sirius wailed, for Peter's comment had been accidentally directed mostly into Sirius' ear.

"I should have thought of that! Professor Moony was right, it _was_ obvious!" cried James. "The evil wizard who killed his two beloved parents!"

James continued on into a mumbled rant that only Sirius was able to decipher and respond to, so, unable to know exactly what James was saying but still having the idea of it, Remus answered Peter.

"Sorry. But the book says the name."

"I just don't like it. It's too sinister," said Peter.

"Well… I'm sorta going to have to say it if it says it in the book… You know," said Remus, now drifting off onto a slightly unrelated topic. "I really like that I said the name! It shows that I'm not afraid to say it now or in future. I like that. It makes me feel important, and brave."

"Yeah, maybe it makes _you_ feel like that," said Peter. "But it just makes me scared. And besides, I'm not even there. Doesn't do anything for me.

"…and so now Harry's going to live in a misery filled world of anger and angst and nobody will love him except for me but he's going to be so miserable and I'm not going to be there and nor will Lily and one day he's just going to die a miserable death too and then we'll all be together in one, great, angsty vat of misery!" came the end of James' ramblings.

Sirius looked over from James. "And that was only from saying 'Lord Voldemort'. Just wait until Harry gets into some sort of physical pain."

"Physical pain?" screeched James. "Let's not even get started on that one! First of all, he's already suffered-"

"Whoa, Prongs," said Sirius, a hand covering James' mouth. "You said let's not start. Stop starting."

"Sorry."

**Harry stared. Not only was this the last answer he'd expected, but Lupin had said Voldemort's name. The only person Harry had ever heard say the name aloud (apart from himself) was Professor Dumbledore.**

**"****Clearly, I was wrong," said Lupin, still frowning at Harry. "But I didn't think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic.**_"_

"You bet they would," said Sirius. "Imagine Voldemort becoming the Charms teacher." Against these unfunny ideas, Sirius gave a laugh.

"That wasn't funny, Padfoot!" said Peter, scowling.

"Worst of all would be Defense Against the Dark Arts. Who knows what he would do?" said James.

**"I didn't think of Voldemort," said Harry honestly. "I- I remembered those dementors."**

"Oh, yes, the nasty dementors," said Sirius.

"No, wait!" said Peter. "Harry's lying! Remember? He did think about You-Know-Who! It's just he changed his mind after a few seconds."

"Are you saying you know my son better than I do?" asked James.

"No," said Peter.

"Good," James said. "Besides, I was just going to say the same thing. I don't want Harry to be a liar!"

**"I see," said Lupin thoughtfully. "Well, well… I'm impressed."**

"Course you are; it's my son!" said James in-between Remus' reading.

**He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry's face. "That suggests that what you fear most of all is- fear. Very wise, Harry."**

"Oh, that _was_ thoughtful!" said James. "Moony, you're the best."

"I know. You've told me that already," said Remus, looking slightly astounded at all these compliments he was receiving from his friends.

"But I'm cool too," muttered Peter softly to himself.

**Harry didn't know what to say to that, so he drank some more tea.**

**"So you've been thinking that I didn't believe you capable of fighting the boggart?" said Lupin shrewdly.**

"Oh… no… Of course not!" said James awkwardly. "We never thought that-"

Remus raised an eyebrow at James, who received a nudge in the shoulder from Sirius.

"Because we… always knew there was an intellectual reason behind it! Because Professor Moony is just that smart!" finished James.

"Mnn…" said Remus, not directly responding to James' attempts to cover up from completely going nuts about his son.

**"Well…yeah," said Harry. He was suddenly feeling a lot happier. "Professor Lupin, you know the dementors-"**

**He was interrupted by a knock on the door.**

"Ding dong! Avon lady!" said Peter in a mock voice.

"Who's Avon?" asked James.

"Is she beautiful?" inquired Sirius.

"Eh… some of them are," said Peter. "They're just women who come to the door and sell stuff. My mum is wild about them. She buys all this silly rubbish from them."

"Hmmph," grumbled Sirius. "I wish Avon ladies would come to _my_ house." Then an idea struck him. "The next time we stay over at someone's house, we're going over to Wormtail's!"

"Great," said Peter sarcastically. "Just what I wanted. You all to come to my house just so Padfoot can gape at Avon ladies that probably aren't going to come."

"But they'll just have to come if _I'm_ there," said Sirius smoothly.

"Yes, and I'll just have to smack you if you don't stop talking now," said a grumpy Remus. "I'm trying to read!"

**"Come in," called Lupin.**

**The door opened, and in came Snape.**

"Moony!" shouted James. "What is Snivellus doing in your office?"

"How do I know?" asked Remus again. "Stop asking me questions I don't know the answer to!"

"But we don't know the answer either!" said James. "And I demand some answers!"

"Then be quiet and let me read already!"

**He was carrying a goblet, which was smoking faintly, and stopped at the sight of Harry, his black eyes narrowing.**

"Oh, what did you do now, Moony? Invite Snivellus over for a nice cup of tea?" said Sirius.

"Of course I didn't!" said Remus. "Er… at least… I hope I didn't…"

"And why must his eyes narrow at the sight of Harry?" asked James. "Harry has just as much right to be there as Snivellus does! In fact, more! Because he's my son, and he's in the office of one of my best friends. And besides! He's Harry Potter!"

"Yeah, has anyone ever thought that it's kind of weird that if you break up Snivellus's first name into syllables it sounds like 'Sever Us'?" asked Peter.

"I have," said James. "I think it's really creepy. I hope it's just some random coincidence. A lot of people's names can sound funny."

"For example, I've always thought it weird that in your first name, Wormtail, it sounds like you say 'pee'," commented Sirius in a mockery of deep thought.

"Leave me alone, Padfoot!"

**"Ah, Severus," said Lupin, smiling. "Thanks very much. Could you leave it here on the desk for me?"**

There was a stunned round of silence, until it was broken by Sirius.

"All right, Moony. Maybe I haven't made this point clear enough to you, but one of the things you do not _ever_ do is smile at Snivellus. Another new one is you don't thank him for bringing something in to leave on the desk for you! What is wrong with you?"

"I would like to know that myself!" said Remus, looking bewildered. "Don't patronize me for doing something I didn't even know I was going to do until ten seconds ago!"

**Snape set down the smoking goblet, his eyes wandering between Harry and Lupin.**

"No, Moony, please, don't drink it!" cried Peter. "A thought just occurred to me! What if it's a love potion?"

"Oh, gross!" said James. "Moony can't fall in love with Harry! That's ridiculous! I won't allow it! Harry needs to find himself a lovely young lady friend that is a lot like Lily!"

Remus was positively gagging at this conversation.

"No, I wasn't talking about your son!" said Peter. "Harry and Moony? Gross! I was talking about Moony and Snape!"

If Remus had been gagging before, it was nothing compared to what he was doing now.

"Moony and Snivellus?" repeated Sirius, thunderstruck. "You have a sick mind, Peter! Disgusting! Why don't you just pair Moony off right now with my cousin's four year old daughter, Nymphadora?"

"Why not? At least that's not Harry," said James. "Imagine, though. Having a name like Nymphadora!"

"Yeah, don't ask about where my family comes up with these names," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Don't ask about where your family comes up with their names?" spat out Remus. "I'm trying to restrain myself from asking why you're pairing me up with Harry and Snape and a four year old baby! What is the fascination? If you must do this, why can't you be less disgusting and give at least give me someone decent?"

"Oooh, yeah, Moony, you can have me," Sirius joked.

Remus made a choking noise again. "Sordid, I tell you!"

"We were only kidding!" said Sirius. "Besides, I was the most decent one out of those four."

"Maybe _you_ think so."

Sirius gave a fake gasp. "Oh, you know I am so! What, would you rather go around loving Snivellus?"

"No!" said Remus loudly. "No I would not! You and your ghastly ideas."

"Well, if it's not Snivellus, then I just know you'll be dying to go around snogging and holding hands with my cousin's daughter," Sirius teased.

"You are simply degrading!" said Remus, still cringing from all of this discussion.

"Well, go and find yourself a nice girl, Moony. It's about time," said James. "Just not Lily. Anyone but her."

"Wasn't going to even try," said Remus.

**"I was just showing Harry my grindylow," said Lupin pleasantly, pointing at the tank.**

**"Fascinating," said Snape, without looking at it. "You should drink that directly, Lupin."**

"Directly?" Remus repeated, stunned. "What am I drinking?"

"Oh, I knew it! _I_ knew it!" said Sirius. "I always knew Snivellus was not one to be trusted! He's going to do something to you! Don't drink it!"

"Yeah! How can you scold us for hexing him all the time now, hmm?" asked James. "Here he is trying to bewitch or poison or- what if he's trying to _kill_ you, Moony?"

Remus's pale face went paler than it already was. "Oh no, don't make me think about that!"

"How could Dumbledore hire him if he's going to go around killing staff members?" said Peter, now panicking too. "Somebody needs to do something! But- but what? Wait, I know! Do us a favor, Padfoot, and go murder Snivellus!"

"_Stop_ talking about me being a murderer!" Sirius roared. "Although, now that you mention it," he added, after a pause. "That's not such a bad idea."

"Can- can I just read some more and see if I'm going to die or not?" asked Remus.

"Yes!" said Peter. "But by all means, don't die!"

"I don't want to die!"

"Well… if you do…" began James. "You could always… hang around with me and Lily in our… dead place…"

Remus didn't know how to respond to that, so he kept on reading.

**"Yes, yes, I will," said Lupin.**

"What?" Remus said, his voice still filled with anxiety. "I'm going to drink it?"

"You can't!" cried Peter.

"Um- er- maybe you're lying!" said Sirius. "Yes, that's it! Maybe you're lying so that he doesn't attack you!"

"And so that he doesn't attack Harry either!" said James. "You know, maybe he'd say something like, 'If you don't drink my poison of death, I'm going to kill Harry'."

"That's so nice!" said an uneasy Remus. "What brilliant choices you've given me, Prongs!"

"I didn't say they were good! What I'm saying is that Snivellus must be eliminated!" James said.

"Yeah! We'll use this mysterious book as proof!" said Sirius.

**"I made an entire cauldronful," Snape continued. "If you need more."**

"No, no, that's all right- I- don't need anymore!" Remus said.

**"I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."**

"I don't _want_ anymore!" cried Remus.

"Assuming you _live_ to see tomorrow!" said Peter.

"Snivellus must _die_!" yelled James.

"Since when are you on first name terms with _Snivellus?" _asked Sirius, completely aghast.

"I don't know!" said Remus in misery. "I don't know what's going on, or why I'm calling Snivel- I mean- Snape 'Severus' or why I'm drinking that goblet or what's in it or what it's going to do or what's happening in the story! It's not as if I've read it before!"

"We're just looking out for you, Moony!" said Peter.

"Yes, we don't want you out there doing- being- _fraternizing_ with the _enemy_!" said Sirius dramatically.

"Well, I thank you all for that, but you really must understand how frustrating this book is when you remember that it mysteriously landed in Prongs' room and it just happened to be about the son of his and Lily's, who just happens to go to Hogwarts at the time when Padfoot just happens to be- er- there, and I just happen to be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts alongside Snape who just happens to be teaching Potions! Do you not understand how odd of a coincidence this is? It's just so mind boggling!" He looked at Peter. "You have no idea how privileged you are to not be in this book."

"Yeah…" said Peter, looking over at James and Sirius's equally stunned faces.

**"Not at all," said Snape, but there was a look in his eye Harry didn't like.**

"Snivellus _is_ evil! Look how aware my son is of it!" said James.

"Is there ever any part of Snivelly that someone _does_ like?" said Sirius.

"I bet not even his own mother likes him!" Peter said.

**He backed out of the room, unsmiling and watchful.**

**Harry looked curiously at the goblet. Lupin smiled.**

**"Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me," he said.**

"Kindly?" said Remus, who was very into repeating words of this scene in the chapter at the moment. "I think not! How could I like something that's going to do horrible things to me? Unless- unless I think it's something else but he's really trying to do something else?"

"I guess that would make sense…" said James. "I dunno. You never can trust something from an evil Potions Master of Hogwarts! Potions master," he added, muttering. "Potions _master_. How could they give him such a title…"

**"I have never been much of a potion-brewer and this one is particularly complex." He picked up the goblet and sniffed it.**

"No, Moony, you can't sniff undetectable poisons!" said Sirius.

"How did you know that?" asked Remus.

"Well, besides the title of _undetectable_ poison, I decided to flick through my new Potion book because I got bored. You know, the one I got for N.E.W.T. level…"

"Oh… yeah. That…" It wasn't that much of a shock to Remus. He should have remembered. Especially since his future self had just said that he wasn't much of a potion brewer. For a while Remus had completely forgotten that Sirius had been accepted into N.E.W.T. level Potions; something he, himself, hadn't.

"Yeah, I bet you're going to have _tons_ of fun in that class if Snivelly is in it like I bet he is," said Peter.

"On the bright side, it'll give us ample time to eliminate him!" said James, who had also gotten into N.E.W.T. level Potions.

**"Pity sugar makes it useless," he added, taking a sip and shuddering.**

Peter screamed. "Look, it sounds like it's already doing something to you!"

Trying to brush aside this frightening information, Remus said, "Well… it sounds like I've used it before. That, or I know about it and what you can't do with it."

"Maybe, but the important question is: _What_ does it do and _why_ are you being stupid enough to accept a mysterious potion from Mr. Potions Master Snivellus?" James said.

"I just don't know," said Remus.

**"Why-?" Harry began. Lupin looked at him and finished the unfinished question.**

**"I've been feeling a bit-off color," he said. "This potion is the only think that helps. I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren't many wizards who are up to making it."**

"Lucky!" Sirius scoffed. "Yes, real lucky if it turns out killing you. Look at you, singing Snivellus's praises…"

"I'm not!" said Remus. "I just- I don't know what it is. If we did, then we would know the reason behind it!"

"If there aren't many wizards up to making it, then maybe it's because it's something bad," said Peter. "Maybe the wizards don't want to make it because it's used for evil purposes."

"Yes, Snivellus _must_ be eliminated the _second_ we see him!" announced James.

**Professor Lupin took another sip and Harry had a crazy urge to knock the goblet out of his hands.**

"Smart, Harry!" said James. "Do it! Knock the goblet of evil over! Snivellus must die!"

**"Professor Snape's very interested in the Dark Arts," he blurted out.**

**"Really?" said Lupin, looking only mildly interested as he took another gulp of potion.**

"How- how- how can you be only mildly interested when my son tells you something as trivial as that?" James spat out. "The goblet, the Dark Arts, the Snivellus! Harry is obviously trying to tell you that Snivelly is up to something evil!"

**"Some people reckon-" Harry hesitated, then plunged recklessly on, "some people reckon he'd do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job."**

"I get it!" cried Peter. "I understand it now! Snape is trying to get Moony out of the way so that he can take your job! He wants to eliminate _you!_"

Remus looked horrified at this prospect.

"Not if we eliminate him first!" said James.

**Lupin drained the goblet and pulled a face.**

**"Disgusting," he said. "Well, Harry, I'd better get back to work. I'll see you at the feast later."**

"That is, if you're still al-" Peter began to gasp, but James covered his mouth.

**"Right," said Harry, putting down his empty teacup.**

**The empty goblet was still smoking. **

**"There you go," said Ron. "We got as much as we could carry."**

"Ooh, Firebolts, you mean?" asked James.

Now James' mouth in turn was covered up by Sirius.

**A shower of brilliantly colored sweets fell into Harry's lap. It was dusk and Ron and Hermione had just turned up in the common room, pink-faced from the cold wind and looking as though they'd had the time of their lives.**

"Weff, ibsgoodeff emtu breegim basom swee, buhow canntay rubitin thatay aduhtime obderelibes?" blubbered James from beneath Sirius' hand that firmly kept hold of his mouth.

"What?" Peter asked, shoving off James' hand.

"He said that it was good of Ron and Hermione to bring Harry back some sweets, but it isn't nice of them to rub it in that they've had the time of their lives," supplied Sirius.

"How did you understand that?" asked Remus.

"What, didn't everyone?" said Sirius.

"No!" said Peter.

"I guess you just don't have the P-squared bond, then."

"What on earth is a P-squared bond?" said Remus. "I didn't even think you bothered with mathematics!"

"You know," said Sirius. "P-squared. Padfoot and Prongs both start with 'P'."

"My first and last name start with P!" Peter put in.

"Yeah, but that doesn't count," Sirius said. "Your nickname starts with a 'W'. It doesn't work. You and Moony can go be… flipped 'M's, or flipped 'W's or something. Because 'W' is an upside-down 'M'."

"Heswasha poytuno," added James, whose mouth was still covered by Sirius.

"Oops. Sorry, Prongs," said Sirius, and he took his hand off.

"Forgiven," said James. "But only if you never, ever said 'P-squared' again. That was ridiculously stupid."

**"Thanks," said Harry, picking up a packet of tiny black Pepper Imps.**

"I'd be careful with those," said James.

"Yes, because when I have some, it makes me really hot," said Sirius. "Ha, which isn't much of a difference anyway! Get it?" He then proceeded into hysterical laughter, accompanied by James.

"Well, I think it's now a definite fact that you should never hang around with Padfoot at night," said Remus.

"Or Prongs," added Peter.

"Yes. And Prongs," Remus said.

**"What's Hogsmeade like? Where did you go?"**

**By the sound of it- everywhere. Dervish and Banges, the wizarding equipment shop, Zonko's Joke Shop-**

James and Sirius gave each other a loud high-five.

**-into the Three Broomsticks for foaming mugs of hot butterbeer, and many places besides.**

**"The post office, Harry! About two hundred owls, all sitting on shelves, all color-coded depending on how fast you want your letter to get there!"**

**"Honeydukes has got a new kind of fudge; they were giving out free samples, there's a bit, look-"**

**"We _think_ we saw an ogre, honestly, they get all sorts at the Three Broomsticks-"**

"Yes, you bet they do," said Sirius.

"But they do have one sort, that is very beautiful-" began Peter, but he stopped when he noticed everyone staring at him. He gave a cough, and said, "Helpful, I meant. Helpful."

"God, Wormtail, if you're going to get started on Rosmerta again," said Sirius.

"I was not!" said Peter, now blushing.

"Uh huh," said James.

"No, I wasn't!" Peter said, still turning red.

"Aww, wook at wittle Wormtail!" said Sirius in a baby voice. "Somebody's got a crush!"

"Shut up!" said Peter.

"Wormtail and Rosmerta sitting in a tree-" James started singing, and Sirius joined in with him. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Oh, leave him alone," said Remus.

"Are you sure, Moony?" asked Sirius. "Because we could start the same thing with you, if you want."

"No, I'm sure that I'd rather not."

"One of these days, Remus," said Sirius. "One of these days we are going to get you together with someone, and you're going to like it."

"I didn't say I wouldn't like it."

"You know what I would like?" said Peter, who was still red in the face, but not as much as before. "I'd like to read more of the story."

"Of course!" said James. "We must find out what happens to Harry!"

**"Wish we could have brought you some butterbeer, really warms you up-"**

**"What did you do?" said Hermione, looking anxious. "Did you get any work done?"**

**"No," said Harry. "Lupin made me a cup of tea in his office. And then Snape came in…"**

**He told them all about the goblet. Ron's mouth fell open.**

**"_Lupin drank it?_" he gasped. "Is he mad?"**

"I certainly hope not!" Remus said.

"Me too!" said Peter. "Because you've always seemed so sane!"

"Yeah, and if you're not right in the head, then we're in tons of trouble, because we haven't got anyone level-headed to ask things to," said Sirius.

James looked offended. "Excuse me, but Evans is _very_ level-headed and I'm sure she has intelligence that matches Moony's, or even-" He then stopped abruptly on the rest of the words, looking as though he was about to say something he shouldn't.

"Go ahead, Prongs," said Remus, catching onto what he was most likely going to say. "Say it. I don't care. You're probably right, anyway. You can say Lily's smarter than I am. After all, she _does_ do very well in Potions…"

"Uh… Well, I wasn't _exactly_ going to say she was smarter than you," said James. "But I was going along those lines, and now you've made it all the more easier! Thanks, Moony!"

"Sure…"

**Hermione checked her watch.**

**"We'd better go down, you know, the feast'll be started in five minutes…" They hurried through the portrait hold and into the crowd, still discussing Snape.**

**"But if he- you know" –Hermione dropped her voice, glancing nervously around- "if he _was_ trying to- to poison Lupin- he wouldn't have done it in front of Harry."**

"Maybe that's just what he _wants_ us to think!" said Peter.

"Oh, thank you, Wormtail!" said Remus exasperatedly. "I'm so glad you're in full support of me not being poisoned to death by Snape!"

"I didn't say I wasn't!"

"But you were suggesting that I was poisoned!"

"No, I wasn't!" Peter said. "I said that I think he wanted us to think that Harry and his friends thought that he wouldn't think of having the thought of killing you with poison."

"This repeating words in different ways thing is getting really annoying!" moaned Sirius.

"Yes, says the Serious Sirius," mocked James.

"Shut up! We've got more pressing problems! Moony's life is at stake!"

James now mocked crying. "Oh, wah! Talking about Moony almost dying when, hello, I'm dead in a little more than twenty years!"

"And speaking of things going dead…" started Peter.

"And so, this is why we will read the book!" interrupted Remus. "Like I have said countless times, we will read it because not only is this an intriguing form of entertainment, but if this book is true, like it so far seems to be, then we'll change it all."

"Well, then," said Peter. "Maybe you won't get poisoned to death then!"

"Yet you still seem to be suggesting it," Remus said, giving a slight glare toward the boy.

"I was not."

**"Yeah, maybe," said Harry as they reached the entrance hall and crossed into the Great Hall.**

James slapped his hands on his forehead. "No, Harry! You were supposed to say 'Yes, Yes'! How are we going to raise Moony's confidence if you say that?"

"Well, I was still feeling a bit more confident a second before you said that," said Remus.

"Sorry. Er…"

**It had been decorated with hundreds and hundreds of candle-filled pumpkins, a cloud of fluttering live bats, and many flaming orange streamers, which were swimming lazily across the stormy ceiling with brilliant watersnakes.**

"And they say Durmstrang doesn't think Hogwarts is scary…" mumbled Peter.

"Believe me, you _don't_ want to know what Durmstrang thinks," said Sirius, looking very petulant. "My second cousin-twice-removed's husband's sister's nephew's great-grandmother's brother went there. The Durmstrang lot think different. Very, very, different."

**The food was delicious; even Hermione and Ron, who were full to bursting with Honeydukes sweets, managed second helpings of everything. Harry kept glancing at the staff table. Professor Lupin looked cheerful and as well as he ever did;-**

"That's good, Moony!" said Sirius, who's angry face had vanished into an expression of relief. "You don't seem to be dying!"

" 'Seem' being the operative word," Remus said darkly.

"Oh, cheer up, Moony. It could be worse," Sirius added, with a grumble.

**-he was talking animatedly to tiny little Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher. Harry moved his eyes along the table, to the place where Snape sat.**

"He doesn't even deserve to be sitting there!" complained James.

**Was he imagining it, or were Snape's eyes flickering toward Lupin more often than was natural?**

"Imagining it," said Remus quickly. "I really hope that's it."

"Yeah… what if 'seem' _was_ the operative word?" asked Sirius.

"Wait!" said James. "I have an idea. What if he thought that you were supposed to be dying right now, so Snivellus kept staring at you to see if you were, but you weren't, because you somehow thwarted his evil plan?"

"Or… it could be the other way around," said Peter.

"Wormtail!" groaned the other three boys collectively.

"I was just looking for all the possible options!" said Peter.

**The feast finished with an entertainment provided by the Hogwarts ghosts. They popped out of the walls and tables to do a bit of-**

"-scaring of the students," finished James. "I mean, really! How are you supposed to try and flirt with Evans if Nearly Headless Nick pops up from between you two, and then terrifies all the first years, so they start clinging to you, and before you know it, your whole moment is lost!"

**-formation gliding; Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor ghost, had a great success with a reenactment of-**

"-the beautiful and artistic creating of- mmmfwhimit!" James had started to say, only to be smacked in the mouth by Sirius.

James pushed off the arm. "How did you know I was about to talk about… um… Transfiguration! Yes! Transfiguration! Why must you automatically jump to the assumption that I'm talking about a Firebolt?"

"Because I've never heard you say a sentence about Transfiguration that involves the phrase 'beautiful and artistic'," said Sirius. "Well, except for when you're charming McGonagall."

"Yeah," said James. "It's a pity that doesn't work. We need some new vocabulary." He looked up at his ceiling. "Oy! Ceiling! Could we get a dictionary over here? Or a thesaurus?"

But the ceiling remained white and unmoving, and no other mysterious books dropped from the ceiling.

"Damn," said Sirius. "I guess it's just the one, then…"

"Which is good," said Peter. "Because I bet that dictionary and thesaurus would be hard and very heavy! And trusting the ceiling, it would fall on my head!"

"Which means I put a lot of trust into that ceiling," said Sirius. "Oh! Which reminds me! Want to hear a funny little quote involving a ceiling and stars?"

"No," said Remus. "I'm getting tired. I want to finish this chapter. We've only got a few more pages."

"Oh, come on!" said Sirius. "It was a good one! It was all about lying on a bed and looking up at stars and then you wonder where your ceiling went!"

The other three boys stared at him.

"Er, Padfoot. That wasn't all that funny," said Peter.

"It's a whole lot better than your jokes," replied Sirius.

**-his own botched beheading.**

"Was that all?" asked Peter. "Oh, we've seen that a _million_ times. Doesn't he think people are going to get tired of it?"

"Obviously not," said Sirius.

**It had been such a pleasant evening that Harry's good mood couldn't be spoiled by Malfoy, who shouted through the crowd as they all left the hall, "The dementors send their love, Potter!"**

James pumped his fist in the air. "You hear that, Malfoy? You can't spoil Harry's good mood! He sends his sarcastic love right back! You can't spoil his day with dark thoughts of creepy soul-sucking dementors who feed off the happiness of others and cause them to go insane-" –Sirius gave a little wince, which went unseen-"-because Harry is filled with infinite joy right now! He's walking on sunshine, and darn, it feels good!"

"It'd feel good if you'd stop interrupting me with long speeches, that's what," said Remus grumpily. "How long have we been reading this chapter?"

"I don't know," said Peter. "Must be over an hour…"

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed the rest of the Gryffindors along the usual path to Gryffindor Tower, but when they reached the corridor that ended with the portrait of the Fat Lady, they found it jammed with students.**

"I bet the Fat Lady's giving one of her famous opera concerts again," said Sirius. "I don't see why they would all be standing their listening, because she can't sing. Even Lucius Malfoy sings better than her."

"And you've heard Old-Malfoy singing _when?_" asked James.

"Believe me," said Sirius. "You _don't_ want to walk in on Malfoy serenading Narcissa with sappy love songs."

"Funny, because that sounds a lot like what you do," commented Remus.

"Hey! I do not serenade girls with singing! Although, now that you mention it, I _am_ a very talented singer!" said Sirius. "However, I serenade girls with poetry and flowers, that sort of thing, and sometimes even nothing at all, which seems to work just as good."

**"Why isn't anyone going in?" said Ron curiously.**

"The opera isn't done yet?" suggested Peter. "Boy, I'm glad I'm not there."

**Harry peered over the heads in front of him. The portrait seemed to be closed.**

"Of course," said Sirius. "She's not going to interrupt her opera just to let someone in the common room. It'll be at least another three hours if she's near the end."

**"Let me through, please," came Percy's voice, and he came bustling importantly through the crowd. "What's the holdup here? You can't all have forgotten the password- excuse me, I'm Head Boy-"**

"I think you meant 'Humongous Bighead'," said James and Sirius together.

**And then a silence fell over the crowd, from the front first, so that a chill seemed to spread down the corridor.**

"Well, those high notes are really very… alarming," said James, remembering the Fat Lady's operettas bitterly.

**They heard Percy say, in a suddenly sharp voice-**

"Maybe the Fat Lady can teach him to talk on key! Ha, ha! Get it?" Sirius joked.

"I am definitely not letting you joke around at night any longer. You're just bizarre," said Remus.

**-"Somebody get Professor Dumbledore. Quick."**

"Why do they need him?" asked Sirius. "Is he going to get the Fat Lady to stop singing?"

**People's heads turned; those at the back were standing on tiptoe.**

**"What's going on?" said Ginny, who had just arrived.**

**A moment later, Professor Dumbledore was there, sweeping toward the portrait; the Gryffindors squeezed together to let him through, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione moved closer to see what the trouble was.**

**"****Oh my-" Hermione grabbed Harry's arm**_._

"Hey!" interjected James very loudly, completely ignoring the fact that there seemed to be a tribulation occurring at Gryffindor Tower. "Get off of Harry's arm, Hermione! I haven't decided whether or not you're a suitable girlfriend for him, yet!"

"Oh, but I like the idea of them!" said Peter. "Harry's the hero and really brave, and Hermione's really smart. They'd be good together. It'd be sweet."

"Sweet as pumpkin pie," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "Never _ever_ say the word 'sweet' again, Wormtail, in that sort of way."

"But I was just saying that I think Harry and Hermione would be good together," said Peter.

"Shut up, you two, listen!" said Remus, who had read a few sentences ahead to himself during the interruption.

**The Fat Lady had vanished from her portrait, which had been slashed so viciously that strips of canvas littered the floor; great chunks of it had been torn away completely.**

The other boys were stunned.

"I know she doesn't put on the best concerts, but that was awfully mean!" said Sirius. "You don't have to completely destroy her! After all, sometimes she lets me slip back in the common room late!"

"How exactly are they going to get in the common room now if she's gone?" asked James.

"I don't know," said Remus. "She could be anywhere."

"And Hogwarts is really big…" said Peter.

"What kind of cruel-hearted person would do this?" asked Sirius.

"I know!" said James. "Snivellus! He's a Slytherin! Isn't it obvious? I know he knows where our common room is! I bet he did it out of spite, so that poor Harry will have to sleep out in the cold! Oh, and Ron and Hermione, too. And the rest of the Gryffindors."

**Dumbledore took one quick look at the ruined painting and turned, his eyes somber, to see Professors McGonagall, Lupin, and Snape hurrying toward him.**

"See, look, I bet Moony and McGonagall are going to turn him in now," said James. "They know what's going on!"

**"We need to find her," said Dumbledore. "Professor McGonagall, please go to Mr. Filch at once and tell him to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady."**

**"You'll be lucky!" said a cackling voice.**

"Was she found already?" asked Peter.

**It was Peeves the Poltergeist-**

"Oh, I guess not then," said Peter.

**-bobbing over the crowd and looking delighted, as he always did, at the sight of wreckage or worry.**

**"What do you mean, Peeves?" said Dumbledore calmly, and Peeves's grin faded a little. He didn't dare taunt Dumbledore.**

"Which is exactly right," said Remus. "Show Dumbledore some respect. He deserves it."

"Hail Dumbledore!" yelled James.

**Instead he adopted an oily voice that was no better than his cackle.**

"That's not much respect," Sirius said.

**"****Ashamed, Your Headship, sir. Doesn't want to be seen. She's a horrible mess. Saw her running through the landscape up on the fourth floor, sir, dodging between trees. Crying something dreadful," he said happily. "Poor thing," he added unconvincingly**_._

"Aww, did the students actually tell her what they think of her singing?" said Peter.

**"Did she say who did it?" said Dumbledore quietly.**

**"Oh yes, Professorhead," said Peeves, with the air of one cradling a large bombshell in his arms.**

"Never mind the bombshell, at least we know who did it!" said James. "I can't wait until he says she said it was Snape. First he poisons- er- _tries_ to poison Moony, and now he defaces school portraits! We'll have him in!"

"Come on, come on, Moony! I can't wait to see him get kicked out," said Sirius impatiently.

**"He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in, you see." Peeves flipped over and grinned at Dumbledore from between his own legs. "Nasty temper he's got, that-"**

Staring down at the name in front of him, Remus stumbled over his words.

**"-Sirius Black."**

"EXCUSE ME?" screeched Sirius. "What? I- _I_ did that? How could I- why would- oh, Moony, just keep reading! We have to know why!"

"I can't! That was the end of the chapter!" said Remus.

"Well, well, well, I always thought Padfoot was particularly violent. And really mean," Peter added. "You've been making fun of me all afternoon."

"But I'm not violent! And- and I was joking, Peter, you know that, don't you?" Sirius was once again dropped into that state of frantic shock. "It can't be! It was just-"

James's eyes were narrowed at Sirius. "So. _First_ you kill thirteen people, _then _you go to Azkaban, but _then _you breakout, and _then_ you go after my son and you actually _go_ _to his school_ to try and get in his tower, and when the Fat Lady won't let you in, you slash her!"

"I… I…" Sirius stuttered nervously. "There's… there's a rather funny alternate use of that phrase if we can all just… calm down and get along…"

"You know what I reckon, Sirius?" said James, ignoring what Sirius had just said. "I reckon you really could go and kill Harry! It certainly does seem like you're after him!"

"But- we've discussed it. It's a mistake. We're going to change it," continued Sirius, attempting not only to convince James, but himself. "It can't possibly be- I mean, Moony! You know what I'm talking about. You did say we could change this, after all."

"Well, Padfoot…" said Remus. "You're defacing school property, for one thing-"

"Remus, it's summer; we're not at school, so don't give me that 'Hogwarts School Prefect' look and speech," interrupted Sirius.

"I wasn't," Remus said. "It's just- well, in the first chapter, this was an awfully fun and exciting book-"

James gave a cough.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Except for James turning out to be dead, of course. But other than that, it was great. And now, forgive my pun, but it's getting more serious and complex throughout the chapters, especially what with me teaching and you being- there. And now we've reached a part where you've actually arrived at the school and it _does_ seem an awful lot like you were possibly trying to- and well, at any rate, you ended up with a violent action…"

"Well, what if I decided to… to come and visit you at Hogwarts?" suggested Sirius. "You know. What if I knew you were there, and I just came to say hi?"

"You went to look for me at Gryffindor Tower?" Remus repeated incredulously.

"Well… Maybe! I don't know!" cried Sirius. "I'm just confused, all right, everyone? I admit it; I'm confused! And it would really be a lot easier if you all would start supporting me instead of thinking I'm a cold-blooded son-killing murderer right now!"

"We're just trying to look out for the future!" said Peter.

"Oh, well, I'm so glad you're just looking out for your non-existent self!" snapped Sirius. "I'm just glad that you all care so much about your stupid son and your stupid job!" He gave an angry shake of his head before adding softly, "It'd do you some good to care about your friend."

"But we _do_ care, Padfoot," James said quietly.

"Well, then you all have a bizarre way of showing that!" Sirius grumbled again, and with that he folded his arms, stood up, opened the bedroom door, and left.


	9. Chapter 9 Part One

**A/N:** Happy- early- Christmas! See, I even got this on _before_ Christmas, so this is your early Christmas gift that you can enjoy. ;) It's also the longest chapter yet, and possibly my favorite. Again, if there's something in here you recognize, and it wasn't mentioned in previous chapters of this story or any of my other stories, then chances are, it doesn't belong to me. Specifically, though, I remember that there's a line in here that says 'Defense Against the DarkArse', and that's from a quote by David Thewlis (Professor Lupin- yay) in an interview he had.And speaking of him, Sirius says "I've got an infinate number of places to go, the problem is somewhere to stay", and that'sa quote from David's film 'Naked'. (There are actually a lot of interesting quotes in that film)Also, before the Quidditch match, James starts to sing a Gryffindor fight song, and this song is directly based on the fight song on my own school, except instead of my school's mascot it says 'Gryffindor' and instead of 'fight' or 'go' it says 'Fly'. Funnily enough, my school colors also have gold, Gryffindor has the same amount of syllables as my school mascot, and when he spells out Gryffindor, it takes the exact same amount of time to spell out the name of my mascot. Wasn't that weird? ;) Anyway, have fun! Next chapter up as soon as possible. Yes, one of the chapter's you've all been waiting for. And give me a bit of time, won't you? It's at least thirty pages, I believe.  
Much love to all the reviewers. Have some chocolate. gives you chocolate>

* * *

The remaining boys in the room all glanced at each other, stunned. 

"We weren't _really_ being too hard on him, were we?" said Remus. "It's like we said, we were just looking out for him. Even if we were being a little cruel… and harsh… and intimidating…"

"And just plain mean," added Peter.

James gave a sigh. "I can't _stand_ this story! It causes all sorts of problems! Why are we even bothering to read it?"

"Besides the fact that we have nothing to do and it landed _painfully_ on my head," said Peter, "it also is really odd that we're all- except for me- mentioned."

James gave another sigh. "Wait here. I'll be right back." He stood up and opened the door, took two steps down the hallway, and stopped. Hearing the lack of footsteps, Remus and Peter glanced at each other.

"Why did you stop?" called Peter. He and Remus got up too (Remus still holding the book out of habit now) and followed James out.

Sirius was not far down the hall. He was leaning against the wall and staring with dark eyes at the three.

"So… er… Padfoot. I see that you didn't go too far," said James slightly awkwardly, walking toward him with Remus and Peter following behind.

"I was thinking of storming off," Sirius replied, not moving and still looking at them all in the same haunted way. "But then I realized there wasn't much of a point because I could only go back to my…my…. And, well, I just really didn't want to go back to my…"

"Home?" Peter suggested. Sirius gave a nod.

"You know that this practically _is_ your home, don't you?" said James. "And Hogwarts too. You know that you can come here whenever you want. And we really want you to come back with us."

"No, you don't," said Sirius. "You're only saying that. I know that the moment I get back in there and Remus starts reading, sooner or later there will be a line about me and my future and you'll start verbally attacking me for something I haven't done yet and don't mean to do, and then we'll fight all over again."

"On the bright side, we seem to keep making up," said Peter.

Sirius made no response to this.

"Look… Padfoot…" Remus said. "Just come back with us. Please. I haven't got anything smarter to say than that. You can't leave now. You haven't got anywhere to go to."

"On the contrary, Moony," said Sirius. "I've got an infinite number of places to go. My only problem is somewhere to stay."

"You _have_ got a place," said James.

"You're staying with us," said Remus.

"Am I? What if I don't want to?"

"We'll make you, that's what," said Peter.

"You can't make me."

"Padfoot, stop being such an idiot and get back in my room already!" said James. He linked Sirius's arm with his own and began dragging him back in.

"I'm not being stupid," said Sirius as he was dragged down the hall. "You don't really want me in there."

"You're going back in that room and finishing that book with us whether you like it or not," said James.

"Because if you don't, then we'll make you and Moony snog," Peter added.

At this point, Remus had been about to enter the room again after Peter, but instead he missed the doorway and smacked into the doorframe with a _thud_.

"Ow, Moony, what made you miss the door?" asked Peter as Remus correctly entered James's room and was rubbing his head.

"Your disgusting remarks," he grumbled, sitting back on the floor while James was wrestling Sirius to sit back down. "I do not intend to kiss Sirius or anyone for that matter."

"Wait, who am I kissing?" asked Sirius, stopping abruptly in his wresting with James, which resulted in his falling to the ground as James quickly took Sirius's lack of struggling to his advantage.

"No one," said Remus quickly as James cheered, "Ha! I win!"

"That's the thing about summer. There's no one to kiss!" said Sirius. "You'd think there should be, but what do we do all summer? Nothing. Nothing except sit around and read stupid books that just make people miserable!" Sirius slammed his fist on the floor. "Why are we still reading this?"

"Because it landed _painfully_ on my head," Peter repeated.

"Yeah, and that's a brilliant reason since we all care about your scull being well treated," said Sirius in a derisive voice.

"Stop teasing me, Sirius. You've been so mean today," said Peter.

"Well, with your comments, I wouldn't blame him," mumbled Remus.

"What?" asked Peter.

"Nothing," said Remus, again in the quick voice.

"I think we should at least try and get another chapter done," said James, looking over at the clock on his bedside table. Next to this clock was a picture of the four friends messing around on the Hogwarts grounds, and next to that was a candid shot of Lily Evans.

Sirius was still looking very crabby about having to be back in the room to hear the story. "If you all _really_ want to."

"I do!" said Peter.

Remus looked around at his friends, then opened the book to where they left off (he'd had his thumb in the book marking their place for the last few minutes). "Chapter Nine. _Grim Defeat_."

"See, that chapter sounds good!" said Peter. "It sounds like the grim is going to get defeated!"

"Really, Wormtail?" said Sirius sarcastically. "From that title I had no idea."

"Yes! Trelawney, you can't kill my son now!" said James.

_Professor Dumbledore sent all the Gryffindors back to the Great Hall, where they were joined ten minutes later by the students from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin, who all looked extremely confused._

"_The teachers and I need to conduct a thorough search of the castle," Professor Dumbledore told them as Professors McGonagall and Flitwick closed all doors in the hall. "I'm afraid that, for you own safety, you will have to spend the night here._

"They're going to sleep in the Great Hall?" asked Peter. "I wish we could've done that! That sounds fun! Everyone sleeping together!"

The other three boys stared over at Peter.

"What?"

"Are you aware of all the sickeningly grotesque things you have been saying today?" asked Remus.

"Hey, Moony, how would _you_ know how they're disgusting?" said Sirius, grinning slyly.

"I've been spending time with you all too much," answered Remus, shaking his head.

"_I want the prefects to stand guard over the entrances to the hall and I am leaving the Head Boy and Girl in charge._

"That's all?" said Sirius. "Because if the students really want to have a romantic rendezvous, they won't let a Head Boy and Girl stop them. Who knows? The Head Boy and Girl might even join in."

"_Any disturbance should be reported to me immediately," he added to Percy, who was looking immensely proud and important._

"Er… perhaps not if the Head Boy is Percy Weasley," said Sirius, remembering this fact.

"_Send word with one of the ghosts."_

_Professor Dumbledore paused, about to leave the hall, and said, "Oh, yes, you'll be needing…"_

_One casual wave of his wand and the long tables flew to the edges of the hall and stood themselves against the walls; another wave, and the floor was covered with hundreds of squashy purple sleeping bags._

"Aww, that really sounds fun," said Peter.

"Yeah, it does," James agreed. "I could hide in one of those sleeping bags, sneak over to Lily, and sleep next to her without her ever having to know it was me."

"To be honest, I think she'd figure it out, Prongs," said Remus.

"But it hasn't happened, so you don't know!"

"_Sleep well," said Professor Dumbledore, closing the doors behind him._

_The hall immediately began to buzz excitedly; the Gryffindors were telling the rest of the school what had just happened._

"See, I told you that they wouldn't keep quiet," said Sirius.

"_Everyone into their sleeping bags!" shouted Percy. "Come on, now, no more talking! Lights out in ten minutes!"_

"_C'mon," Ron said to Harry and Hermione; they seized three sleeping bags and dragged them into a corner._

"That's making me think bad things for Harry," said James.

"You're always thinking bad things," Remus told him.

"_Do you think Black's still in the castle?" Hermione whispered anxiously._

"Yes! Let's start talking about the murderer Sirius Black again!" yelled Sirius suddenly. "Let's wonder if he's still in the castle! Let's wonder who else he's killing! Let's go on a massive hunt to rid him from the wizarding world! Let's get out some pitchforks and stab him and burn him to the ground for not only being a wizard, but a murderer!"

"Sirius, please, let's not get hysterical," said Remus quietly.

"Let's not get hysterical?" Sirius repeated. "Excuse me, Remus, but I believe you do the exact same sort of thing in your mind whenever someone says 'full moon'. I think I have the right to be hysterical right now!"

"_Dumbledore obviously thinks he might be," said Ron._

"_It's very lucky he picked tonight, you know," said Hermione as they climbed fully dressed into their sleeping bags and propped themselves on their elbows to talk. "The one night we weren't in the tower…"_

"Look at that. Hermione thinks you're being awfully lucky for picking the night they weren't there," said Peter.

"I could hear Moony read that, stupid! I'm not deaf!" said Sirius. "You must be, though, because I think that Hermione meant it was lucky for _them_, not _me!_"

"Well, they're all still alive and you haven't harmed anyone," Peter said. "Well… except the Fat Lady. But aside from that…"

"You know what, Wormtail?" said Sirius. "Shut your mouth right now. Just shut it. I don't want to hear your voice at all."

"Padfoot, you're being a little mean right now," said James, and Peter nodded.

"I'll be however I want right now, thanks," Sirius said coldly.

"_I reckon he's lost track of time, being on the run," said Ron. "Didn't realize it was Halloween. Otherwise he'd have come bursting in here."_

"Thanks, Ron!" cried Sirius. "I'm having the most spectacular visuals right now!"

_Hermione shuddered._

_All around them, people were asking one another the same question: "How did he get in?"_

"Let's think, now," said Sirius. "Probably turned into my dog form and slipped past those dementors. After all, everyone loves a cute shaggy dog like me. Great. Now I'm using my dog form for evil intentions. This is all your fault, Moony!" he said, rounding on Remus suddenly.

"M-me?" asked Remus. "What did I do?"

"If it wasn't for you, then I wouldn't have bothered becoming an Animagus anyway, and then I wouldn't have a way to slip into the castle undetected! Stupid werewolf!"

"I've told you this many times!" said Remus, his voice rising. "I didn't ask for this to happen! It's not my fault! I thought you understood that by now! Blame it on the werewolf who bit me! Besides," he added, now trying to change the subject off of him. "We don't even know if that's how you got in. Maybe you did it another way."

"I doubt it."

"_Maybe he knows how to Apparate," said a Ravenclaw a few feet away. "Just appear out of thin air, you know."_

"You can't Apparate into Hogwarts!" snapped Sirius. "You idiot Ravenclaw; try learning your Hogwarts facts or read _Hogwarts, A History_ like Remus did or just ask him. You're wrong. Try again!"

"_Disguised himself, probably," said a Hufflepuff fifth year._

"As what? A dog?" asked Sirius. "I told you, Moony!"

"_He could've flown in," suggested Dean Thomas._

"Yeah, on a Firebolt…" said James dreamily. Remus smacked him on the arm.

"What?" said James, snapping out of it. "Oh, I mean, that was a good idea, but it was wrong! Maybe it was just a guy who _looked_ like Padfoot. I mean, we don't have any proof that he was actually there… Yes! That's it!" he said, coming to a conclusion.

"What's it?" said Sirius irritably.

"Maybe Snivellus dressed up like you and attacked the Fat Lady! Or perhaps Peeves just made it up and scared the Fat Lady out of the portrait. I mean, Peeves is the only evidence we have, and no one ever quite believes him anyway!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You know- that's not a bad idea Prongs." He cheered up slightly. "Maybe there's some hope after all!"

"Unless, of course, you really did mysteriously go in there and slash the Fat Lady and cause her to run away and make everyone terrified of where you are," said Peter.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, WORMTAIL!" screamed Sirius.

"_Honestly, am I the only person who's ever bothered to read Hogwarts, A History?" said Hermione crossly to Harry and Ron._

"No," said James. "Moony read it, but I don't know where he went. And I bet someone else read it… like… like… maybe not Harry, but um…. The people who wrote it! Yes! The people who wrote it had to read it! And come to think of it, Professor Dumbledore too…"

"I think she just meant student wise," said Remus.

"_Probably," said Ron. "Why?"_

"You know, that was more of a simple answer," said Peter.

"_Because the castle's protected by more than walls, you know," said Hermione. "There are all sorts of enchantments on it, to stop people entering by stealth. You can't just Apparate in here._

"Like I said!" said Sirius angrily.

"_And I'd like to see the disguise that could fool those dementors._

"A dog," said Sirius in a miserable sounding suggestion.

"_They're guarding every single entrance to the grounds. They'd have seen him fly in too. And Filch knows all the secret passages, they'll have them covered…"_

"Not unless Filch has smartened up over the years and has figured out our secret passages that he hasn't found yet…" said Sirius.

"_The lights are going out now!" Percy shouted. "I want everyone in their sleeping bags and no more talking!"_

_The candles all went out at once. The only light now came from the silvery ghosts, who were drifting about and talking seriously to the prefects, and the enchanted ceiling, which, like the sky outside, was scattered with stars. What with that, and the whispering that still filled the hall, Harry felt as though he were sleeping outdoors in a light wind._

"And at this rate, it sounds like sleeping outdoors is a lot safer," grumbled Sirius.

_Once every hour, a teacher would reappear in the hall to check that everything was quiet._

"And that there wasn't a few students having a rendezvous," added Sirius.

_Around three in the morning, when many students had finally fallen asleep, Professor Dumbledore came in. _

"I bet Harry's still up," said James. "It seems like this book is being told from his point of view, after all."

_Harry watched him looking around-_

"Knew it! Harry's just like me!" said James.

"Except he doesn't seem to be trying to rendezvous with a certain red-head," said Sirius.

_-for Percy, who had been prowling between the sleeping bags, telling people off for talking._

"Yeah, maybe that's what Percy thinks they're doing," snorted Sirius.

_Percy was only a short way away from Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who quickly pretended to be asleep as Dumbledore's footsteps drew nearer._

"_Any sign of him, Professor?" asked Percy in a whisper._

"_No. All well here?"_

"_Everything under control, sir."_

"Except there's an insane murderer wandering about somewhere," Sirius lamented.

"_Good. There's no point in moving them all now. I've found a temporary guardian for the Gryffindor portrait hole. You'll be able to move them back in tomorrow."_

"_And the Fat Lady, sir?"_

"_Hiding in a map of Argyllshire on the second floor. Apparently she refused to let Black in without the password, so he attacked._

"Brilliant!" said Sirius in a falsely cheery voice. "This story just keeps getting better all the time!"

"Sirius, I'm sure there's a reason-" began Remus, but Sirius was paying no attention. Remus looked to James and Peter to try and help him with this dilemma, but Peter was just looking worried, and James gave Remus a look as if to say 'Just let him say whatever he wants to. It'll pass.'

"_She's still very distressed, but once she's calmed down, I'll have Mr. Filch restore her."_

_Harry heard the door of the hall creak open again, and more footsteps._

"Great, what if that's me?" said Sirius.

"Don't worry, it's probably not," said James. "Maybe just a lovely person whose come to give Harry a Firebolt in this hour of need…"

"Gee, let's see who can annoy Sirius Black the most today!" Sirius said, scowling. "Will it be Firebolt-Obsessed James? Or the Dim-witted Pain Peter? Or maybe it'll be Mr. Lycanthropic-Logical-Genius-Who-Thinks-Everything-Happens-For-A-Reason-And-Will-All-Come-Out-Right-In-the-End!"

"I am not a pain, or dimwitted!" said Peter angrily, while Sirius muttered, "That's what you think."

"I'm not obsessed with Firebolts, I just happen to have a high level of interest for them!" explained James.

"A bit too high," mumbled Sirius.

Remus, though, said nothing.

"Well?" said Sirius, looking over at him. "What have you got to say?"

"Only that I'm no genius," answered Remus. "And so since I can't be sure of everything I just have to assume that everything, this book included, _has_ happened for a reason, and that _we_ will make it all right in the end."

"All in all, exactly as I said before," said Sirius, folding his arms. "What did I tell you?"

"_Headmaster?" It was Snape._

"Get lost, you greasy git," snapped Sirius.

_Harry kept quite still, listening hard. "The whole of the third floor has been searched. He's not there. And Filch has done the dungeons; nothing there either."_

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well, if I were me- which I am" he added, again realizing the head-bothering problem with reading a story that involved one's self as a character, "then I wouldn't go in those dungeons anyway. That's where our despicable Potions _Master_ lies with his prisons of potions and cauldrons and lack of shampoo."

"_What about the Astronomy tower? Professor Trelawney's room?_

"I wouldn't go in her room now, either," said Sirius.

"_The Owlery?"_

"_All searched…"_

"_Very well, Severus. I didn't really expect Black to linger."_

"Figured it out, now, have you?" Sirius said.

"_Have you got any theory as to how he got in, Professor?" asked Snape._

"Believe me, _I_ have some!" said Sirius.

_Harry raised his head very slightly off his arms to free his other ear._

"_Many, Severus, each as unlikely as the next."_

_Harry opened his eyes a fraction and squinted p to where they stood; Dumbledore's back was to him, but he could see Percy's face, rapt with attention, and Snape's profile, which looked angry._

"Ah, Harry's wearing his glasses to bed?" said James. "That makes sense, I suppose. We wouldn't want anyone stepping on them! Or stealing them! Or I would hunt them down…"

"Although, if Harry wasn't wearing them, maybe he's just not completely blind," suggested Remus.

"Like you seem to be," said Peter.

"Padfoot is right!" said James. "You _are_ being very annoying today! Do us a favor and stop talking!"

"_You remember the conversation we had, Headmaster, just before- ah- the start of term?" said Snape, who was barely opening his lips, as though trying to block Percy out of the conversation._

"I actually wouldn't blame Snivellus for that," said James, looking surprised at himself. "Speaking of annoying people, Percy Weasley is rather annoying too."

"_I do, Severus," said Dumbledore, and there was something like a warning in his voice._

"_It seems- almost impossible- that Black could have entered the school without inside help._

"What are you saying, Snivelly?" said Sirius. "It's bad enough I'm a murderer, but now it seems that you're suggesting I have an accomplice!"

"Well… that… that wouldn't be so bad," said Remus awkwardly. "At least you wouldn't be alone in your-er- endeavors. You know, you'd kind of be like V-" He then stopped very quickly, because he was about to finish the sentence with 'Voldemort and the Death Eaters', which not only would prompt Peter to start screaming about not saying the name, but might seem to suggest that the future Sirius had some sort of connection with Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

"Nothing. I wasn't saying anything," said Remus instead.

"Yeah, you seem to be saying an awful lot of nothing right now," said Sirius. "Fun to have an accomplice. Yeah, that sounds like tons of fun..."

"_I did express my concerns when you appointed-"_

"_I do not believe a single person inside this castle would have helped Black enter it," said Dumbledore, and his tone made it so clear that the subject was closed that Snape didn't reply._

"Dumbledore cut off what Snape was saying?" said Peter.

"Yes, Wormtail, were you not just listening!" said Sirius in a strained sort of voice.

"I _was_ listening. And so if Dumbledore hadn't cut off Snape, we could have had an idea of who possibly helped Padfoot."

"But Dumbledore doesn't think anyone in the castle would have helped him," said Remus. "And I trust Dumbledore."

"At least we know Moony couldn't be an accomplice, then," said James.

"Yeah," said Sirius quietly. He paused. "I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about this."

"Why would you be sad?" Remus asked.

"I don't know," said Sirius. "It just sounds like you all… hate me, or something."

"We don't hate you," said Remus. "It's just –er- the future seems to."

"Except for me," said Peter. "I'm not in this story. So you can't blame me for anything."

"You seem to have cheered up about not being in the story, Wormtail," James commented.

"I was sad for a while," said Peter. "But then I thought about it, and decided that with the way this story is going on, I'm glad not to be part of it."

"_I must go down to the dementors," said Dumbledore. "I said I would inform them when our search was complete."_

"_Didn't they want to help, sir?" said Percy._

"_Oh yes," said Dumbledore coldly. "But I'm afraid no dementor will cross the threshold of this castle while I am headmaster."_

"You tell 'em, Dumbledore," said Sirius.

_Percy looked slightly abashed. Snape stood for a moment, watching the headmaster with an expression of deep resentment on his face;-_

"What are you resenting, Snivelly?" said James. "The fact that you're not headmaster? Well, who would want to go to the school if you were? Frankly, I'm astounded that parents still want to send their kids to a school where you're teaching."

"Yes, because being a Snape is a whole lot worse than being a werewolf," said Remus with some gloomy sarcasm.

"Yes! My point exactly, Moony," said James, who hadn't exactly heard all of what Remus said because he was still too caught up on hating Snape.

"Oh, ha ha, yes, and even worse than that is sending your kid to a school where a great big murderer comes around ripping common room portraits! Ha ha! Yes, how funny is that?" said Sirius, laughing a bit insanely.

"That's exactly what I'm talking- oh, no. No," said James, Sirius's words now registering in his brain. "No, that's not what I meant."

Sirius just glared at him.

_-then he too left._

_Harry glanced sideways at Ron and Hermione. Both of them had their eyes open too, reflecting the starry ceiling._

"_What was that all about?" Ron mouthed._

"Another stressing blow in Harry's already troubled thirteen years of life," said James.

"Something that involves Dumbledore being too wise for his own good and Snape just being hateable as he normally is," said Peter.

"An immensely difficult mystery in the already unexplainable world of Hogwarts," said Remus.

"A murderer," finished Sirius.

_The school talked of nothing but Sirius Black for the next few days._

"And normally that's a very good thing," Sirius moaned. "Everyone loves talking about me and my latest joke, or how handsome I am, or my latest hookup, or what I decided to eat for breakfast, or what color my underwear is, or-"

"People want to know what color your _underwear_ is?" inquired Remus in complete disbelief. "Who on earth would _care_?"

"You'd be surprised, Moony," said Sirius. "It can get annoying after a while, but it's very flattering sometimes. Sometimes girls ask me what type of underwear I have, or where I buy it, or-"

"But that's just so-" Remus wrung his hands out. "Well, I haven't a word for it right now! But your _underwear_? How obsessive can these girls be?"

"Very," said Sirius.

"I wish they'd talk about _me_ and those things," whined Peter.

"Sometimes they do it to me, you know," added James. "You haven't exactly won the title of 'Best-Looking-Male' in the school yet, you know. Girls do admire me for my Quidditch talents and my broomstick and my hair and-"

"And it's never been enough," said Sirius. "Trust me. They want Sirius Black."

"No, no. They also want James Potter."

"No, they want Sirius Black."

"But they really want James Potter."

"Sirius Black."

"James Potter."

"Sirius Black!"

"James Potter!"

"Black!"

"Potter!"

"Black!"

"Potter!"

"Well, Moony, who do you think they want?" said Peter. Both Sirius and James snapped their heads in Remus direction, waiting for an answer.

"I- erm…" stuttered Remus.

"Never mind, Padfoot, you can have whatever girls you want," said James. "It's okay. But you can't have Lily."

"Wouldn't take her, Prongs. Not to mention that surprisingly she doesn't want _me_," said Sirius.

"Yeah, who _does_ that girl want anyway?" asked James exasperatedly. "I mean, if she doesn't want _me_, and she doesn't want Sirius, then who else is there?"

Remus decided to himself that it was better to let James and Sirius carry on with thinking they were the only two possible males that a girl could like than to tell them that there were plenty of other boys in the school for Lily to have her eyes on.

"I dunno," said Peter. He then gave a snort. "You know what would be really funny?"

"What?" said James and Sirius at the same time.

"That Lily really does love me and has been painfully suppressing it for all this time because she doesn't want to admit it?" added James.

"Yeah, that would be funny!" agreed Peter. "But what if Lily liked _Snivellus?"_

James and Sirius glanced at each other, and then roared with laughter, with Peter joining in. Remus merely watched them, not feeling much up to forcing a laugh.

"That was a good one, Wormtail!" said James roughly a minute later when he'd finally calmed down.

"Yes, imagine that!" said Sirius, his face red and cheeks sore with laughter just as much as James. "That would be disgusting!"

"I don't think Evans could ever get _that_ desperate," James said, still enjoying a good, hearty laugh.

"Me neither," agreed Sirius. "Whew, was that funny. I needed that laugh."

James and Sirius were nearly done ending their laughter when they caught each other's eyes again and began laughing once more.

"You should warn us next time you're going to make a joke _that_ funny, Wormtail!" cried James between laughter.

Finally, James and Sirius were done laughing for good and Remus began reading again.

_The theories about how he had entered the castle became wilder and wilder; Hannah Abbott, from Hufflepuff, spent much of their next Herbology class telling anyone who'd listen that Black could turn into a flowering shrub._

Though Remus had very much expected Sirius to start ranting again, Sirius actually began laughing much like he had when Peter joked about Lily liking Snape. James glanced at Sirius and must have realized that Sirius appeared to be in a good mood, because he joined in the laughter. Peter, of course, soon followed, and Remus had to admit that the idea of Sirius turning into a flowering shrub was just ridiculous, so he too laughed.

"I am having just the _funniest_ visual of myself being a flowering shrub!" laughed Sirius. "Horrible as this book is, I have to admit, this writer has a very good sense of humor."

_The Fat Lady's ripped canvas had been taken off the wall and replaced with the portrait of Sir Cadogan and his fat gray pony._

"Oh no!" said Peter, and the other boys gave looks of agreement. "No one's going to like that! It's bad enough just having him in the castle! Think about having him guarding your common room!"

"My poor, poor son!" said James.

_Nobody was very happy about this. Sir Cadogan spent half his time challenging people to duels-_

"-in which Sir Cadogan has so far always lost because he's such a fat idiot who needs to learn to mind his own business," said Sirius. "Hey, you know, that sounds an awful lot like-"

Sensing where this appeared to be going, Remus quickly cut off Sirius and continued.

_-and the rest thinking up ridiculously complicated passwords, which he changed at least twice a day._

"Being a common room guarder seems to have gone to his head, don't you think?" said James. "One of those portraits needs to make up a rule book, you know? _The Portrait's Guide to Guarding a Common Room._ Something like that. In fact, I quite like that title. What do you think?"

"I don't think there's a portrait who would actually write that," said Remus. "Most of them just sleep, anyway."

"Well, one of them could," said James. "And then just find a picture of a publisher and tell them to publish it, and before long, every portrait would know exactly how you guard a common room, and we wouldn't be stuck having Sir Cadogan guarding the Gryffindor common room a few years later."

"That's a nice idea, but I think even if it did happen, Sir Cadogan wouldn't bother reading it," explained Remus. "He already thinks he knows it all."

"I guess you're right," said James, looking let down because his idea had gone to waste.

"_He's a complete lunatic," said Seamus Finnigan angrily to Percy. "Can't we get anyone else?"_

"Such as the portrait who will write or become an expert in _The Portrait's Guide to Guarding a Common Room?"_ suggested James.

"_None of the other pictures wanted the job," said Percy. "Frightened of what happened to that Fat Lady. Sir Cadogan was the only one brave enough to volunteer."_

"Stupid enough, you mean," said Peter. Sirius growled at him. "Well, what I meant to say," continued Peter. "Is that Sir Cadogan is an idiot anyway."

"Uh huh. Sure, sure. Brilliant save, Wormtail," said Sirius, obviously not believing him. "It's proof. I'm horrible! I'm terrifying!" He looked as if he were close to shouting from misery again. "That is," he now began, a convincing tone in his voice, "I'm horrible for being so _terrifyingly_ handsome. Because some people are just- they don't- um…"

_Sir Cadogan, however, was the least of Harry's worries. He was now being closely watched. Teachers found excuses to walk along corridors with him-_

"Snivellus had better not be one of those teachers!" said James. In his best attempt at Snape's angry little drawl, James said, "Potter! You're getting a T in my class because I hate you! You're having detention every night now! Oh, and by the way, no one's attacking you, are they?"

"You mean, beside you, sir?" said Sirius, acting as Harry.

James made a face and abandoned his Snape impersonation. "No. Snivelly isn't worthy of being called 'sir'."

"You're right," agreed Sirius. "Forget that little grease ball. Let's think about Moony walking with Harry instead."

"Oh, Harry, would you come here a second!" said James, now impersonating Remus as a professor (to which the Remus currently sitting there just watched with a slight frown on his face). "Do come here a moment and let us discuss your homework while I'm really just trying to walk down the hall with you so no one attacks you. Oh, and by the way, would you like some chocolate?"

James laughed at his own impression, and Sirius and Peter joined in. Remus even fought back a laugh.

"Oh, you're witty, aren't you?" said Remus.

_-and Percy Weasley (acting, Harry suspected, on his mother's orders) was tailing him everywhere like an extremely pompous guard dog._

"Don't be mean to the dogs!" said Sirius. "Leave off, Percy! You're giving dogs a bad name!"

_To cap it all, Professor McGonagall summoned Harry into her office, with such a somber expression on her face Harry thought someone must have died._

"Maybe it was Dumbledore," said Peter.

Remus immediately gasped and looked crossly at Peter. "Peter!" he scolded. "Don't say that!"

"He's got a bit of a point, actually," Sirius chimed in. "I've always thought that something's going on between McGonagall and Dumbledore. She'd be devastated if he died."

"As would I!" said Remus. "You know how grateful I am to him! Don't joke about something like that!"

"Sorry," said Peter.

"But I think they'd be such frivolous felines…" added Sirius.

"_There's no point hiding it from you any longer, Potter," she said in a very serious voice._

"I'm madly in love with your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore!" cried Sirius in a high voice that was obviously supposed to be McGonagall's. Remus couldn't help it. The random outburst from Sirius caused him to laugh along with his friends.

"Well, there isn't any point!" agreed James. "I mean, everyone's bound to figure it out sooner or later, aren't they?"

"At any rate… that's a complete world away from what they were actually talking about," said Remus, reading the next line.

"_I know this will come as a shock to you-"_

"-But Dumbledore and I have been snogging in-between my class periods for _years!_" came Sirius's McGonagall-Voice again.

"_-but Sirius Black-"_

"-is _not_ a murderer, and is merely an extremely handsome and sociable man!" cried Sirius. "We all know your secret romance, Minnie! The least you could do is not go around rubbing my future in!"

"_I know he's after me," said Harry wearily._

"Yes. At least he knows," James said. There was a quick glance toward Sirius, but Sirius wasn't looking.

"No! I am not!" said Sirius.

"_I heart Ron's dad telling his mum. Mr. Weasley works for the Ministry of Magic."_

_Professor McGonagall seemed very taken aback._

"The exact same way she'd have been if this conversation had been about her frivolous romance with Albus Dumbledore," said Sirius. "I wish it was," he added sadly.

_She stared at Harry for a moment or two, then said, "I see! Well, in that case, Potter, you'll understand why I don't think it's a good idea for you to be practicing Quidditch in the evenings._

James may have been looking a little infuriated before, but if it was about Sirius's future, his furious thoughts had changed at the speed of light. "Not- play- Quidditch?" he said loudly in a tone as if he'd just been told he could never see Lily Evans or torture Severus Snape again. "What does McGonagall think she's doing? Harry's the best one on that team! After all, he's _my_ son! And now she's not going to let him practice? That's insane! I don't care how much of a ravening lunatic you may be in the future, Padfoot, but whatever you are, you are _not_ preventing my son from playing Quidditch!"

"Here, here," said Sirius. "We can't stop a genius." Sirius looked an awful lot like he wished James would start ranting on about McGonagall instead of himself.

Peter grabbed a pillow from James' bed and put it over his head. "I'm staying out of the way!" he said to Remus. "Who knows what Prongs is capable of if his son is Quidditch-deprived? It's bad enough when he himself is!"

Remus nodded, knowing only too well that sort of James.

"_Out on the field with only your team members, it's very exposed, Potter-"_

"As are you in your Transfiguration lessons!" cried James. "You won't do this! I'll have you pay when I get back to Hogwarts!"

"Not to a _teacher_, Prongs!" said Remus. "I can't stop you from doing anything to Snape, but doing something to a teacher for something they haven't done yet would lead to a lot of awkward questions!"

"Moony, it doesn't get much more awkward than having a book land _painfully_ on your head," said Peter from behind the pillow.

"Don't interrupt me when I'm having a rant about Quidditch!" said James.

"Yeah, that's rule number one about James," said Sirius. "Don't insult Quidditch. Followed by 'Don't Insult Lily Evans' and 'Every Day Is the Perfect Day to Torture Snivellus Snape.'"

"You've got it!" said James.

"_We've got our first match on Saturday!" said Harry, outraged. "I've got to train, Professor!"_

"Outraged as he should rightfully be!" said James, whose face was turning red from his fury. "I had no idea his match was that Saturday! Why didn't this book tell me something important like that? Harry _must_ train! Harry must _win! _And besides, McGonagall, you love your Gryffindor Quidditch team! How could you think of not letter the team get a proper practice?"

_Professor McGonagall considered him intently. Harry knew she was deeply interested in the Gryffindor team's prospects; it had been she, after all, who'd suggested him as Seeker in the first place._

James's eyebrows raised. "Really? I'd like to hear that story! Harry must show natural talent on a broomstick just like I do! You can't let him not practice, you just can't!"

_He waited, holding his breath._

"_Hmm…" Professor McGonagall stood up and stared out of the window at the Quidditch field, just visible through the rain. "Well… goodness knows, I'd like to see us win the Cup at last… but all the same, Potter… I'd be happier if a teacher were present. I'll ask Madam Hooch to oversee your training sessions."_

James punched his fist in the air. "Yes! Quidditch practice is back on!"

"Thank Merlin for that," said Peter, who threw the pillow back on James's bed.

_The weather worsened steadily as the first Quidditch match drew nearer._

"So! Weather! You're going to ruin my son's first Quidditch match of his third year, are you?" said James.

_Undaunted, the Gryffindor team was training harder than ever under the eye of Madam Hooch. Then, at their final training session before Saturday's match, Oliver Wood gave his team some unwelcome news._

James immediately began blubbering out some crazy theories. "Something ate the Chasers! Someone stole Harry's broomstick! Someone destroyed the Quidditch field! Someone stole the Quidditch balls! Madam Hooch somehow disappeared into the Safari desert! The Slytherins have burned all the books on Quidditch in the library!" He then gasped loudly and said very dramatically, "_Someone destroyed all the Firebolts in the world!"_

"For God's sake, shut _up_ with that Firebolt!" said Sirius.

"You didn't even give me a chance to suggest my own idea about what happened!" said Peter sourly.

"And I really doubt Madam Hooch somehow disappeared into the Safari desert," added Remus.

"No one cares what you think at a time like this!" said James, brushing them off. "It's all about what bad news Oliver brought to the team!"

"Well, then, if you're so impatient to know…" Remus said.

"_We're not playing Slytherin!" he told them, looking very angry. "Flint's just been to see me. We're playing Hufflepuff instead!"_

"Oh," said Peter, who had clearly expected some kind of more dramatic dilemma. "That's not so bad."

"Not so bad?" James repeated, thunderstruck. "That's horrible! I can't even describe to you what's so bad about that!"

"What is? Gryffindor has beaten Hufflepuff many times before," said Remus. "I'm sure they'll do it again."

"I'll explain," said Sirius. "You see, Quidditch players like Prongs here spend months making up game plans and strategies based on the way the other team plays. And so, if on very short notice the Gryffindor team is told that they'll be playing against a completely different team, that's bad, because all that hard work has gone to waste!"

"But… you could still win, couldn't you?" asked Remus, who hadn't completely understood what Sirius had just said.

"They _might_, I suppose, but-"

James cut Sirius off.

"But now Harry and the rest of his team are going to have to spend hours training all over again for the match that coming week because they're completely unprepared!"

Remus tried to understand this information. "But… they've still been practicing, so surely they could at least be able to use some of the things they've practiced doing on the other team-"

"What differences between Slytherin and Hufflepuff don't you understand, Moony?" James shouted zealously. "Slytherin are ambitious and cunning! Hufflepuffs are loyal duffers! I bet the Slytherins were planning this from the start! It's exactly like them!"

"If you say so," said Remus.

"_Why?" chorused the rest of the team._

"_Flint's excuse is that their Seeker's arm's still injured," said Wood, grinding his teeth furiously. "But it's obvious why they're doing it. Don't want to play in this weather. Think it'll damage their chances…"_

"Aha!" yelled James so ferociously that Peter jumped. "I told you!"

_There had been strong winds and heavy rain all day, and as Wood spoke, they heard a distant rumble of thunder._

"_There's nothing wrong with Malfoy's arm!" said Harry furiously. "He's faking it!"_

"Then go over to him and make it real, Harry!" said Sirius.

"_I know that, but we can't prove it," said Wood bitterly. "And we've been practicing all those moves assuming we're playing Slytherin, and instead it's Hufflepuff, and their style's quite different."_

"Understand now, Moony? Wormtail?" said a fanatical James who looked over with a glare at Remus and Peter. "Do you see why this is so horrible now?"

"Yes!" said Peter.

"A bit," said Remus.

"A bit," scoffed James.

"_They've got a new Captain and Seeker, Cedric Diggory-"_

_Angelina, Alicia, and Katie suddenly giggled._

"_What?" said Wood, frowning at this lighthearted behavior._

"This is no time for giggling! You should be ready to practice your butt off right now!" said James.

"_He's that tall, good-looking one, isn't he?" said Angelina._

"_Strong and silent," said Katie, and they started to giggle again._

_"He's only silent because he's too thick to string two words together," said Fred impatiently. "I don't know why you're worried, Oliver, Hufflepuff is a pushover. Last time we played the, Harry caught the Snitch in about five minutes, remember?"_

"I love Harry!" declared James yet again.

_"We were playing in completely different conditions!" Wood shouted, his eyes bulging slightly. "Diggory's put a very strong side together! He's an excellent Seeker!"_

"But no one is better than Harry!" James pointed out.

_"I was afraid you'd take it like this! We mustn't relax! We must keep our focus! Slytherin is trying to wrong-foot us! We must win!"_

"Exactly what Oliver said!" cried James.

"Hey, didn't you say 'we must win' a few minutes ago, Prongs?" asked Peter.

"Most likely! But I'm paying more attention to the tragedy at hand!" James said. "The Slytherins are being evil and vicious again, and someone must put a stop to it!"

"Why don't you just go hit them in the head with your broomstick? Or the Beaters's bats?" said Sirius.

"Good idea! Not that I haven't thought of it before," said James. "Are you kidding? Madam Hooch would kill me and I'd get thrown off the team."

"Not if she didn't see you," Sirius added, giving a mischievous wink.

James's eyes widened in understanding. "Ah! I like what you're thinking!"

"I thought you would."

"And I think I don't," said Remus, shaking his head.

_"Oliver, calm down!" said Fred, looking slightly alarmed. "We're taking Hufflepuff very seriously. Seriously."_

"They better!" said James.

_The day before the match, the winds reached howling point and the rain fell harder than ever. It was so dark inside the corridors and classrooms that extra torches and lanterns were lit. The Slytherin team was looking very smug indeed, and none more so than Malfoy._

_"Ah, if only my arm was feeling a bit better!" he sighed as the gale outside pounded the windows._

James let out a noise of exasperation. "Keep it up, Malfoy, and your arm will never feel any better! And while we're at it, why must the weather continue to be so horrible! This whole school year is all against Harry! No one wants him to be happy! They're ruining his happy days!"

_Harry had no room in his head to worry about anything except the match tomorrow. Oliver Wood kept hurrying up to him between classes and giving him tips. The third time this happened, Wood talked for so long that Harry suddenly realized he was ten minutes late for Defense Against the Dark Arts-_

"Well, that's all right. You'll forgive him, won't you Moony?" asked James hopefully.

"I have no idea. You better hope I will."

"I think that means 'yes'," said James.

_- and set off at a run with Wood shouting after him, "Diggory's got a very fast swerve, Harry, so you might want to try looping him-"_

"Talk about these Quidditch obsessives," muttered Peter.

_Harry skidded to a halt outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, pulled open the door, and dashed inside._

"_Sorry I'm late, Professor Lupin, I-"_

_But it wasn't Professor Lupin who looked up at him from the teacher's desk; it was Snape._

It took a few seconds for this piece of information to sink into Remus's brain, and Peter's as well, but James immediately screamed, "WHAT IS SNIVELLUS DOING IN YOUR CLASSROOM, MOONY?"

Remus didn't bother to tell James that he couldn't possibly know the answer to something he hadn't done yet, because Remus was too busy being in the state of shock.

"GET SNIVELLUS _OUT_ OF THAT CLASSROOM AND DOWN TO HIS DUNGEON WHERE HE BELONGS!" roared Sirius. "WHAT IS THAT OUTCAST DOING THERE? TRYING TO BLEND IN? NO, HE'S STEALING MOONY'S CLASS, HE'S-" he then abruptly stopped, his eyes widening. "That's it Moony! He's stealing your class away from you! He's going to try and be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and force you to be the lowly evil Potions teacher because you're no good at it!" He then quickly stopped again, eyes darting around spontaneously. "What I meant to say, Moony, is not that you're not any good at Potions. I just meant that Snivellus thinks he's better than anyone else at it- you know what I mean. I didn't mean to- so, er- well, let's just forget what happened during the last twenty seconds…"

But Remus was too busy being surprised to even hear what Sirius was saying.

"_What_ is Snape doing in my classroom?" he repeated to himself. "How could he- unless, of course- yes, maybe he's just keeping an eye on them all because I'm out doing something and he's watching them until I arrive- even though that has never happened in a class at Hogwarts, ever. Or maybe he's just up there talking about- dark arts encounters? Since we all know that he seems to have had many before. Or maybe he's… I don't know. Yes. You're right," he added to his friends, recovering from his thoughts. We should keep reading so that we can figure out what he is doing there."

"_This lesson began ten minutes ago, Potter, so I think we'll make it ten points from Gryffindor. Sit down."_

"You do not teach this class, Snivellus!" James said. "And therefore, you do _not_ order my son around!"

"How could _Dumbledore_ approve of this?" Remus asked in wonder. "We've never had this happen before! Unless it wasn't organized by Dumbledore, do you think?"

"Finally you're coming to realize what Prongs and I have been saying all along!" said Sirius. "It's simple. Snivellus. Is. Stealing. Your. Class. Snivellus. Is. Evil. Snivellus. Is. Doing. This. For. Evil. Dark. Art. Purposes. To. Make. Himself. Some. Dark. Minions. Snivellus. Must. Be. Eliminated."

"And you, Padfoot, must stop talking in one word sentences," said Remus. "That took twice as long to say as it should have, and it's getting very late."

_But Harry didn't move._

"Yeah, Harry! Don't listen to him!" said James.

"_Where's Professor Lupin?" he said._

"Being tortured with shiny silver objects!" cried Peter.

"Peter!" yelled Remus. "I don't want to think about that!"

Peter made a face as if to say sorry. "But who knows? Even though silver doesn't really effect you, no one knows where you are or what you're doing?"

"Ha ha, if we want to keep it light, maybe you just overslept…" James said.

"Me?" said Remus. "Oversleeping for a job that I very well need? Somehow I just don't think so."

"_He says he is feeling too ill to teach today," said Snape with a twisted smile._

"Or… Unless…" Remus's eyes widened in conclusion. "Maybe it just has something to do with… with my problem. The book doesn't tell us the lunar calendar, and the night before could have been a full moon."

"Moony," said Sirius. "You complain about missing your morning classes, and also about missing your evening classes too if you're still sick. Why would you just skip teaching a class, put it in the hands of _Snivellus_, and sit back and sleep! You wouldn't be doing the 'job that you very well need'!"

"So what are you saying?" asked Remus.

"I'm saying it's all Snivellus's fault!" said Sirius. "I thought you just figured that out a minute ago! I bet it all has to do with that potion he gave you! He's trying to poison or kill you so he can take your job!"

"Oh, stop that!" moaned Remus.

"I told you! I told you!" said James. "I was right!"

"No, I'm sure it's just-" started Remus.

"Look," said Peter. "I know you're always the smart one-"

James and Sirius gave purposely-loud hacking coughs.

"Not that you two aren't smart either," Peter added. "But Moony, you're the one who always uses your brain all the time and stays logical. This isn't a time for you to be logical. The answer is staring us in the face with its big ugly nose."

"That's right, Wormtail!" said Sirius. "I like what you're saying!"

"I'm _very_ upset, of course, about him teaching my class without my permission- well- unless my future self gave it to him? But _I_ don't! But what can we do? Nothing," said Remus, in a final tone. "It's all right. I have gotten over the shock. He will just teach my class. It won't be… that bad."

"The git knows more about the Dark Arts when he arrived than the students in seventh year know," said James. "You don't think it will be _that_ bad?"

"_I believe I told you to sit down?"_

_But Harry stayed where he was._

"_What's wrong with him?"_

"Snape is trying to eliminate him!" said Peter. Remus attempted to ignore this.

_Snape's black eyes glittered._

"And they never, ever should again," said Sirius. "The words 'Snape' and 'glitter' don't go together. Not unless Snape has really been gay all along and secretly has glittery robes."

Even in the tense situation, the four boys could not help but laughing.

"_Nothing life-threatening," he said, looking as though he wished it were._

Remus looked at his friends. "See? Lycanthropy isn't… isn't _exactly_ life-threatening if, you know, no one knows or anything…"

"Would you really trust Snivellus?" asked Sirius. "Do you really think he'd admit to poisoning you to a slow and painful death with no chance to say goodbye to me?"

"Erm, Padfoot, at that time you're sort of a-"

"I know what I am! That's beside the point at the moment! And what about Prongs?"

"Well, Prongs is sort of dead…"

"Stop rubbing it in!" James said, throwing his hands over his own ears. "I can hear you, you know!"

"And Wormtail?"

"Wormtail isn't in the story."

"Don't rub _that_ in!" said Peter. "For your information, _I_ can hear you too!"

"Lesson Two. Never ever trust Snivellus," Sirius concluded.

"I thought that was Lesson Five?" said Remus.

"It is?" asked Sirius, now looking confused. "But I was sure it was- well, it doesn't matter now! It all goes together in one big knowledge of hating him! We have good reason! Stop trying to make everything all better!"

"Look, Padfoot, it even says that he _wishes_ it were life-threatening, so if we just try and keep our heads then maybe it's not-"

"Do yourself a favor, Moony, and stop thinking. Just think about reading aloud that book."

"_Five more points from Gryffindor, and if I have to ask you to sit down again, it will be fifty."_

James gasped. "I always thought he'd abuse that teaching privilege! Really, Moony, I hope you're making us proud by docking off as many points as you can from Slytherin. Especially with that Malfoy lurking about! I'm sure that anything he does is worthy of taking away points!"

_Harry walked slowly to his seat and sat down. Snape looked around at the class._

"_As I was saying before Potter interrupted, Professor Lupin has not left any record of the topics you have covered so far-"_

"I didn't?" asked Remus, very surprised. "Why didn't I? If it's something that wasn't life-threatening, then surely I would have had time to leave a record!"

"Psssst!" Sirius said very loudly. "You didn't leave a record because Snape ruthlessly took hold of your class without your knowledge!"

"Maybe you did make a record but you lost it," said Peter, who had been trying to make Remus feel better with that sentence before it was realized halfway through that that wasn't the most encouraging of sentences.

"Oh, that's horrible!" Remus said. "I told you! I'm a lousy teacher! I'm no good at all!"

"No, Moony!" said James. "_Snivellus_ is the lousy teacher! You've seen how mean he's been and how Harry dislikes him!"

"Harry dislikes him because Harry is your son," said Remus. "He plays Quidditch. He knows a redheaded girl. Of course he would also hate Snape. And if you haven't noticed, this is a third person narrative that is really Harry's point of view without saying 'I'."

Peter was the only one who had understood what Remus had meant in that last sentence, since he too had gone to Muggle school. James and Sirius gave Remus blank stares.

"Come _on_, Moony!" said James. "This J.K. Rowling woman has written down that the students loved your class. It's from Snivellus's mouth that says you didn't leave a record."

"We don't even know this J.K. Rowling!" Remus exclaimed. "We don't even know of Harry's third year, or that he even existed until this afternoon! Personally, I would believe what Snape is saying before I would believe this unknown J.K. Rowling."

"Suit yourself, then," said Sirius. "But you'll see. Snivellus is a big fat liar." He paused. "Well, except for the fat part. But then again, it never said that he _wasn't_ fat, so maybe he packed on the pounds before teaching. Ha! Then he'd be ugly, greasy, and chubby! Ha, ha, ha!"

"A young killer whale," added James, snickering.

"_Please, sir, we've done boggarts, Red Caps, kappas, and grindylows," said Hermione quickly._

"Oh," said Remus, calming down a bit. "Well, at least Hermione has been keeping a record and is now announcing it to the class… Perhaps Snape will then stop picking on me…"

After a moment, Sirius began snickering. Once he caught James's eye, there was some silent communication that Remus and Peter were unable to figure out, and James had began laughing too.

"I don't understand how you can just look at each other and figure out what you're thinking!" said Peter. "I wish I'd be able to do that."

James shrugged at Peter as if to say, 'Sorry. It's a Potter-Black thing.'

"What, if you'll allow me to ask and if I really want to know the answer, is so funny?" asked Remus.

"Don't worry, you're allowed to ask," said Sirius.

"But since you _are_ you, you may not want to know the answer," finished James.

"Oh," said Remus. "In that case I think I'll ask. What is so funny?"

"Well…" said Sirius. "Though Hermione seems to be smart at everything, she seems to be especially knowledgeable in _your_ class…"

Remus thought about this, trying to find the funny part. It went by him unnoticed. "And, your point is?"

"Hermione especially seems to like Defense Against the Dark Arts and sharing her knowledge to everyone, especially the teacher for it," continued James.

Peter furrowed his brow, and then his eyes opened wide. "Oh!"

"Well?" said Sirius. "What do you think, Moony?"

Remus was still stuck. "Even Wormtail has figured it out now. _What_ are you saying?"

James and Sirius began snickering again. "Hermione might have a little crush on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," James clarified. "You know. The one who is really supposed to be teaching this class but is for some reason not there right now. The one who is teaching during Harry's third year."

"Oh," said Peter, his face falling. "I thought you were talking about Hermione and Snape."

"For goodness's sake!" exclaimed Remus. "_Now_ you are pairing me off with _Hermione? _You are disgusting! She's a _student_, for crying out loud!"

"Never stopped me from fancying the old Arithmancy professor," muttered Sirius.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" asked Remus. "There wasn't even any proof! She's just a very intelligent girl who can't help but to be enthusiastic in all of her classes! Well, aside from Divination, which I don't blame her for."

"All the more reason!" said James. "Look, you're exactly alike! Besides, I've been evaluating, and I've decided that although Hermione is a nice girl, she's not the girl I'd like Harry to have as his girlfriend."

"Leave me alone, will you?" said Remus. "Stop pairing me off with every female who comes along just because I've never had a girlfriend."

"We can switch to males, if you'd like," said James.

"Yeah, we haven't got any problems if you fancy blokes instead," added Sirius.

"I don't want you pairing me off with anyone, thank you!" said Remus firmly. "No girls, no guys! If you must do this, do it with Wormtail."

Peter looked over at James and Sirius with a bright smile on his face.

"Um… no," said Sirius. "Maybe later."

"_-and we're just about to start-"_

"_Be quiet," said Snape coldly. "I did not ask for information. I was merely commenting on Professor Lupin's lack of organization."_

"Oh, I've told you!" said Remus, continuing to be emotional but now over a different subject. "I'm unorganized! I'm a bad professor!"

"You're very organized," said Peter. "Maybe not the _most_ organized person- but that's all right, because being too organized is just really weird, and then you end up being known as a weirdo like that overly organized Claire Mays."

"She's just trying to be as brilliant as the lovely Lily Evans!" said James, who really had no evidence on this matter other than that he thought everyone was trying to be better than Lily and no one could match up.

"_He's the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we've ever had," said Dean Thomas boldly, and there was a murmur of agreement from the rest of the class._

Sirius raised an eyebrow and smirked at Remus. "Well, Professor Moony, how's that? Doesn't sound anything at all along the lines of you being a bad professor."

"No… it… It doesn't, did it?" said Remus, now becoming excited again like he had when he'd read about the success of his first lesson. "That's a very…" He was unable to find words to express his happiness. "It was very… well, like the book said, a very bold statement."

"Not bold, my friend," said James. "A _true_ statement."

"Why else would they say it if they didn't mean it?" added Peter.

_Snape looked more menacing than ever._

"_You are easily satisfied. Lupin is hardly overtaxing you- I would expect first years to be able to deal with Red Caps and grindylows."_

"Just because you could deal with them in that year doesn't mean everyone else can!" said Peter. "You snide little Dark Arts weirdo! You're even stranger than Claire Mays!"

"I think Snivellus takes the prize in the ugly, strange, bizarre, creepy, mean, abusive, greasy, and freak categories," James said.

"_Today we shall discuss-"_

_Harry watched him flick through the textbook, to the very back chapter, which he must know they hadn't covered._

"You don't have my permission to do that!" Remus said angrily. "It's my class, and you can't force them to learn what they aren't ready for!"

"_-werewolves," said Snape._

Except when Remus had read that last part, it had sounded like a bunch of 'w's because he had trembled so much over the word. He blinked, mumbled 'werewolves' to himself, and then shoved the book under Peter's face.

"Does it- Does Snape really say that they're going to talk about- That they're actually going to discuss- er, w-werewolves?"

Peter looked down at the words on the page that Remus was pointing at. "Yes," he answered quietly.

"How can they allow him to _do_ this?" cried Remus in a voice that sounded a bit like anguish. "First he takes my class because I'm mysteriously absent, and now while I'm gone and unable to instruct my class, he's going to teach them about werewolves? That's- that's- it's so unjust! How can he do this! He knows that they're not ready to learn about those things yet and-" Remus stopped talking and blinked. His eyes simultaneously widened and darted all over the place at nothing in particular before resting on his friends. "That's it. He _knows_," he said quietly. His voice then reverted to hysterics. "How does he _know?_ He's making the whole class about werewolves now so that they'll put together the signs and they'll all figure out what I am! And don't look at me like that, they _will _figure it out! Granted, you all did extra research and spent more time with me then anyone else, but _you_ figured it out. And like we've made it perfectly clear before, Hermione is a _very_ intellectual girl and no doubt she'll figure it out and then she'll know what I am. And once the whole class knows, the word will get out to the parents- because I don't think she'd tell the teachers; after all, most of the teachers in this year are at school right now and they already know- but the parents are going to figure out and of course they're going to start sending hate letters and- and requests for my removal, because _nobody _likes a werewolf, and they certainly won't like him even more when they figure out there's a werewolf for an excuse of a professor teaching their children! And so once enough complaint letters come, or even just one, Dumbledore will have every right to sack me and- I don't know- Snape will get the job he so obviously wants and I'll be left out there poor and old and jobless and alone, and no one will ever care, and I'll once again realize that what they told me in Career Advice last year is true- it's hard to find a profession when you're a werewolf. Not to mention, it's hard just to endure a life as one."

It had been the longest and most hysteric Remus had talked that day, and the other three boys just sat there staring at him, overwhelmed by this sudden long speech of Remus's.

"It's fine," said Remus quickly. "Don't bother doing anything. You can't anyway. I didn't mean to waste our time by saying this, it just sort of- slipped out. I'm fine. I'll get on. It doesn't really matter."

"No, Remus, it _does_ matter," said James. "And we won't let this happen."

"You can't do anything," Remus repeated. "None of you are there."

"This is the future book, right?" said James. "It's like you said. We'll change it. And we'll start it off by giving Snivellus a 'Welcome Back to Hogwarts' beating when we get back to school. We'll borrow the advice of that St. Brutus's school that Uncle Vernon pretends Harry goes to and we'll not only jinx Snivellus, but hit him with an extremely hard cane."

Remus even let out a little laugh, but rolled his eyes lightly. "James, you can't just make it all better by hitting Snape with a stick- although, that sounds like quite a good idea right now so do keep that in mind when we get back to Hogwarts. I'm not expecting you to do anything. It's just- he knows. He might even know already. I don't know how he knows, but the point is he knows and he knows what to do with that knowledge."

"But we know what to do with _our_ knowledge," said Sirius. "Snivelly is so busy dabbling in Dark Arts that he might not have even put any time or thought into figuring out you're a- um-"

"That you have a furry little problem," concluded James. The four boys laughed together at their little joke.

"Yes, that," said Sirius.

"But you know very well that he wonders where I go off to every month," Remus pointed out.

"Probably because he thinks you're such a magnet for girls that you have some girlfriend that doesn't even go to Hogwarts so every month you go pay her a visit or something," said Sirius.

"He's not _that_ thick," said Remus. "Really, I don't know where you get your mentality from."

"Fine. Then make up your own reason or whatever," said Sirius. "My point is, he probably doesn't know, and we'll keep it that way."

"Remus, we're not going to let Snape find out about you and then abuse it," said Peter. "We're all here for you. He won't know."

"Exactly," said Sirius. "We'll never let him know."

This happened to be one of those many times when Sirius gave good advice or morals, but never had he himself follow through with it. The case in point being a certain little event started by Sirius that would occur during their next year at Hogwarts that would let the sixteen-year-old Non-Knowledgeable-About-Remus's-Lycanthropy-Snape find out that Remus was a werewolf.

"I wish you were right," said Remus in a disconcerting way, and then turned his attention slowly back to the book before anything else could be said.

"_But, sir," said Hermione, seemingly unable to restrain herself, "we're not supposed to do werewolves yet, we're due to start hinkypunks-"_

"Ooh, hinkypunks. I remember those," said Peter. "They weren't very fun either."

"Yes, well you _were_ the dummy who followed the light, weren't you?" said Sirius condescendingly.

"It was a pretty light!" said a defensive Peter. "And I didn't know! _I_ was the one who couldn't hear Professor Giles because _someone_ kept loudly talking about a certain red-head!"

"What are you looking at me for?" asked James. "I wasn't looking at Evans! I don't talk and stare, I just _stare_!"

Peter made a face. "Which is still creepy."

"Anyway," continued James. "I think you're remembering it wrong. I think it was Padfoot who was staring and talking. Wasn't that around the time you started going out with Tila?"

Sirius furrowed his brow. "Was it? I can't really remember. Hang on. Let me check my list again." He held out his fingers and started counting off names. "Emmeline and Anna and Saffron and Lita and Hestia and Phinona and Julia and Becca and Stephanie and Cassie and Arabella and-"

"Will you _shut up_ already?" asked a disgruntled Remus.

"_Moony!_" whined Sirius. "You just messed up my listing! Now I'm going to have to start all over again!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You were on Arabella."

"Was I?" said Sirius. "Okay then…" He continued counting on his fingers from there. Six fingers later, he stopped.

"Ah, yes, you're right!" he said. "There she is! Tila Davies!"

"Told you I was right," smirked James.

Peter made a 'hmmph' noise. "That was seventeen girls, Padfoot! And you weren't even done with that list, were you?"

"Umm…" said Sirius. "I don't _think_ I was…"

"He wasn't," Remus said.

"Seventeen! That's not fair!" said Peter. "I've only had one girlfriend! And she dumped me after two weeks!"

"I can see why," mumbled Sirius.

"What was that?" asked Peter.

Sirius expertly crafted a lie on the spot. "I was just trying to count my list."

"Yes, I bet you were," said Remus, rolling his eyes again.

"_Miss Granger," said Snape in a voice of deadly calm, "I was under the impression that I am teaching this lesson, not you."_

"No, actually, _I_ should be teaching that lesson! And it would be on a completely different topic!" cried Remus. "And if I couldn't, then I would gladly hand my class over to Hermione instead of you!"

"Tell him, Moony," said Sirius.

"I _can't_ tell him, remember?" said Remus. "He's not here!"

"We can always invite that prat over."

"No we're not!" said James. "I'd have him over in a second to hex him, but I'm not letting any of that grease touch Potter property! I would have to get a new house! And then trying to sell a greasy Snivellus-touched house? Ew, no one would buy it."

"You're right, I guess," said Sirius. "We'll seriously make up for all this postponed hatred-jinxing on the first day back.

"_And I am telling you all to turn to page 394." He glanced around again. "All of you! Now!"_

_With many bitter sidelong looks and some sullen muttering, the class opened their books._

"_Which of you can tell me how we distinguish between the werewolf and the true wolf?"_

"Please no one, please no one, please no one…" Remus whispered to himself.

"Oh! Oh! I know!" cried James, thrusting his hand in the air.

Remus stopped his mutterings of "Please no one" and looked at James. James continued to struggle with his hand in the air. Since Remus kept quiet, Peter called on James.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"Okay!" said James. "One: he's sitting in Moony's chair. Two: He's wearing Moony's clothes. Three: His name is Remus 'Moony' Lupin!"

Remus cracked a smile at the old joke. He'd made it only a few months ago after the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. How innocent and happy that joke had seemed then as compared to now when he was paranoid about Snape figuring out the _real_ ways to distinguish a werewolf and using them practically.

"Really. That beats all my werewolf jokes," said Sirius. "Though, there was that one about a werewolf, a vampire, and a diricawl who are stranded on an island and-"

"We've already heard that joke! And I still don't get it!" said Peter. "Don't tell it again!"

_Everyone sat in motionless silence;-_

"Yes!" cried Remus. His friends stared at him.

"What?" he asked. "Though I may say that students need to take more active participation and stay on top of their knowledge, this is one of those times when I'm glad they're not."

_-everyone except Hermione, whose hand, as it so often did, had shot straight into the air._

"Well… except Hermione knows. Of course," said Remus, remembering. "Must you say it, Hermione? Could you please put your hand back _down_?"

"_Anyone?" Snape said, ignoring Hermione._

"Yes!" cheered Hermione again. "Er, sorry, though. I'll make it up to you later. Um… or maybe I won't. I really don't know."

"You should write yourself a note, then," said Peter. "And see if it still reminds you in the future."

_His twisted smile was back. "Are you telling me that Professor Lupin hasn't even taught you the basic distinction between-"_

"_We told you," said Parvati suddenly, "we haven't got as far as werewolves yet, we're still on-"_

"-Drugs!" cried Sirius.

"Padfoot!" scolded Remus once again. "Don't you mock my class!"

"You mock my girlfriends; I mock your class!" replied Sirius. "Fair game."

"I guess you're- wait a minute! That is not fair game! A class is more educational. You study and learn about things!"

"You can study and learn about girls too."

"No, you can't! You can't just open your book and expose yourself to a whole world of knowledge like you can in a classroom!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Well, maybe _you_ can't."

James snorted. Peter looked confused. And it was several seconds before Remus understood and scolded, "Padfoot!" yet again.

"_Silence!" snarled Snape._

"I don't think you can be on 'silence' if you yourself are snarling about!" said Sirius. "And you're not even a dog! Who says you can snarl?"

"_Well, well, well, I never thought I'd meet a third-year class who wouldn't even recognize a werewolf when they saw one."_

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Remus in a panicky way. "Are you heavily insinuating now that they have seen a werewolf, which they have, and that they are not recognizing him, which they shouldn't?"

"Well, if I were there, I wouldn't have understood it that way," said Peter.

"But you don't understand anything," Sirius blurted out.

Peter acted as if he hadn't heard Sirius. "And, no offense Prongs, but these kids probably aren't supernaturally smart, except for Hermione, so you shouldn't worry too much, Moony. I don't think they'll get it.

"I hope so."

"How dare you call Harry stupid!" said James.

"I didn't call him stupid!"

"_I shall make a point of informing Professor Dumbledore how very behind you all are…"_

"_Please, sir," said Hermione, whose hand was still in the air, "the werewolf differs from the true wolf in several small ways. The snout of the werewolf-"_

"Hermione sure knows her werewolves," said Sirius. "I wonder if she knows that stuff just for the knowledge or for the werewolf."

Again, Remus took several seconds before understanding what Sirius had said and then replying to it. "Hermione Granger does not like my professor-self! She likes to learn!"

"I bet that's not all she likes learning…"

Remus made a disgusted face at Sirius. "If you don't keep quiet this instant I shall disown you from the Marauders!"

Sirius grinned naughtily. "Ooh, you _own_ me, do you Remus?"

Remus turned red. "I cannot believe that you manage to take everything I say and turn it into something perverted one way or another!"

Sirius laughed. "Ooh, so where's my leash and collar?"

"On the rope that you'll get hung with," said Remus darkly. Sirius stopped.

"_That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger," said Snape coolly. "Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all."_

"That's not a reason!" cried James. "That was an insult!"

"You know, technically Hermione spoke out of turn three times, not two," said Peter. "Unless he was only counting the times during the actual lesson about the- uh- things. No, I meant creatures. I mean, not creatures, people. Yeah. The people. The people with problems."

"If we're going to talk about people with problems, why aren't we just going to talk about Snivellus?" said Sirius. "He obviously has a problem!"

"Bloody control-freak!" yelled Remus. "It's enough he's at Hogwarts, Potions master, Head of Slytherin, giving me mysterious Potions, and taking over my class, but now he has to insult my students too?"

"Note to self: Get an actual cane from St. Brutus's and hit Snivelly with it. No more of this wand business. Well… yes, still hexing, actually," said James.

_Hermione went very red, put down her hand, and stared at the floor with her eyes full of tears. It was a mark of much the class loathed Snape that they were all glaring at him, because every one of them had called Hermione a know-it-all at least once, and Ron, who told Hermione she was a know-it-all at least twice a week, said loudly, "You asked a question and she knows the answer! Why ask if you don't want to be told?"_

"That's a very good question!" said Sirius. "_Why_ would he ask if he doesn't want to be told? Because he's a big greasy jerk, that's why! He thinks he knows everything there is to know about the Dark Arts!"

"And if he doesn't stop acting like it, I'm going to show him everything there is to know about the 'Dark Arse'," added James bitterly.

"You mean you're going to hit his butt until it's black and blue?" asked Peter.

"Well… No. I was just saying that he was an arse," said James. "But you know what? I like your idea much better."

Peter grinned.

_The class knew instantly he'd gone too far. Snape advanced on Ron slowly, and the room held its breath._

"Well, yeah," said James. "I would. That greasy thing smells."

"_Detention, Weasley," Snape said silkily, his face very close to Ron's._

"Wait a minute!" said Sirius. "He can't do that! Ron was making a very good point there! You can't give him detention because he pointed out how Snivelly was being stupid!"

"And I think it was a detention enough for Ron for just having Snivelly's face close to him. Ergh! The smell of that grease!"

"_And if I ever hear you criticize the way I teach a class again, you will be very sorry indeed."_

"Ha, ha. What are you going to do, Snivelly?" asked Sirius. "Wipe your greasy pants on him?"

This comment was greeted by three faces making disgusted looks at him.

"Yeah… you're right. That's gross. I'd be sorry indeed," Sirius said, wincing. "But if he's just talking about detention, then big deal. He can't even teach."

"You better not criticize the way he teachers ever again," James mocked, "or you'll be sorry indeed!"

"I'm just feeling sorry that Moony isn't teaching his own class," said Peter. "Is this class almost done yet?"

_No one made a sound throughout the rest of the lesson. They sat and made notes on werewolves from the textbook, while Snape prowled up and down the rows of desks, examining the work they had been doing with Professor Lupin._

"_Very poorly explained… That is incorrect, the kappa is more commonly found in Mongolia…"_

Remus made a face of outrage. "It is not! It's more commonly found in Japan! Regardless of whether the student actually said Japan or not, you can't just say it was wrong and that it's more commonly found in Mongolia! This is basic world Geography, Snape! You are completely destroying the confidence and intellectual levels of my classroom!"

"It's like I said, then isn't it?" said Sirius. "Clearly Snivelly had to knock out Dumbledore and force him to let him have power at Hogwarts!"

"And even on his own, Dumbledore _can_ be a little dim-witted," added James.

Remus gasped. "You did not just insult the Headmaster!"

"Come on, admit it, Moony," said Peter. "I like him too but he can be a little dumb."

"Well, yes, you're right," admitted Remus. "But I like to think of him as a noble and wise Headmaster who shall defeat the darkness with the light of his love. He's my hero."

"Then you need to know his weaknesses," said Sirius. "Namely, getting knocked out and then Snivelly forces him to let him be Head of Slytherin, professor of Potions, and take over your class when you're mysteriously absent."

"…_Professor Lupin gave this eight out of ten? I wouldn't have given it three…"_

"Then it's good that you're not the true teacher of this class, isn't it?" said Peter.

_When the bell rang at last, Snape held them back._

"Don't do that!" said James. "They've been in there long enough! Let them run out screaming for joy!"

"_You will each write an essay, to be handed in to me, on the ways your recognize and kill werewolves."_

"W-what?" stammered Remus. "He- he can't assign them homework! And further more, he c-can't assign them homework on t-that s-s-subject!"

"I bet J.K. Rowling totally got the essay title wrong. It was probably something like… the way you recognize and have dances with werewolves," suggested Sirius.

Remus gave him a look.

"He is assigning an essay on how to _recognize_ and _kill_ werewolves!" repeated Remus hysterically. "This means he's really trying to get them to all recognize me for being one and then start an army to kill me!"

"Now, now, Moony, let's not get hysterical," Sirius mocked.

Remus glared at him again.

"Look," said James. "Padfoot is just saying that they're not going to make some army to kill you. Snivellus is just being his foul self. No one ever takes their homework seriously. Well… except you, and Evans, and Hermione, and some other people, but no one's going to go around saying, 'Ooh, I think Professor Lupin is a werewolf. Let's all get some silver pitchforks and kill him!' Everyone would think they were crazy."

"It sounds even worse when you say it!" cried Remus, becoming very emotional from the killing-Professor-Lupin-with-a-pitchfork-part.

"_I want two rolls of parchment on the subject, and I want them by Monday morning."_

"Two-rolls of parchment!" Remus exclaimed. "Do you know how thorough they'll be able to cover the subject, then? They'll see all the signs for sure and know exactly how to bring about the demise of their lycanthropic professor!"

"Or, they could write really big with very big spacing because they were too lazy to look up enough information for a proper essay," suggested Peter.

"Or they could just rebel against Snivellus," said Sirius. "Who says he has the right to give out homework! And he's assigning them a due date! He makes it sound as if he's going to be teaching for a while."

"What if he is?" said Remus in a very panicked way. "What if he's completely killed me off so he can have my job? He's probably assuming that they'll get rid of me that very night if I'm not dead already!"

"I can't believe this book is saying that he's not my first victim," Sirius mumbled to himself.

"_It is time somebody took this class in hand."_

"Someone is!" said Remus angrily. "_I_ am! Now get out of my classroom!"

"_Weasley, stay behind, we need to arrange your detention."_

_Harry and Hermione left the room with the rest of the class, who waited until they were well out of earshot, then burst into a furious tirade about Snape._

James rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Oh, this sounds fun! I wish I were there! I'd have a lot to add! Well, bring it on!"

"_Snape's never been like this with any of our other Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, even if he did want the job," Harry said to Hermione._

"No, no, see, I was thinking of something more along the lines of 'Snape is a big, ugly, dumb, git," said James.

"I wonder who the other teachers were?" asked Peter.

"I think I can reasonably assume why he's being extra mean to me, though," grumbled Remus. "But what I don't understand is why he has to make an essay that will bring them to the conclusion to rally against me! That's not right! Someone should really say something to Dumbledore!"

"If Harry's a good son, then he'll go up to Dumbledore and tell him to fire the Potions teacher," said James. "I can't believe it's been taking him so long."

"_Why's he got it in for Lupin? D'you think this is all because of the boggart?"_

"Oh, well, I would think he'd be mad at that as well," continued Remus. "But at this rate he really did deserve it."

"_I don't know," said Hermione pensively. "But I really hope Professor Lupin gets better soon…"_

"And so do I," agreed Remus. "I'm going to remind myself in the future to not allow any substitutes."

_Ron caught up with them five minutes later, in a towering rage._

"_D'you know what that-" (he called Snape something that made Hermione say "Ron!")_

"And with the way Hermione is, that leaves a very wide range of things to call him," said Sirius. "I'm hoping it's something at the very top."

"Well, which word is at the very top?" asked James.

"I dunno," said Sirius. "I mean, it doesn't have to be a swear word. Even just saying 'ugly' gets to him. Let's see. Grease ball. Greasy. Slimy. Overgrown bat. Coward. Loser. Jelly-head. The list goes on."

"_- is making me do? I've got to scrub out the bedpans in the hospital wing. Without magic!"_

"That was mean!" said Peter. "Is he even allowed to do that?"

"I don't know," said Sirius. "But it could be worse. At least Snivelly isn't making Ron clean out his office. Ew. The grease."

_He was breathing deeply, his fists clenched. "Why couldn't Black have hidden in Snape's office, eh? He could have finished him off for us!"_

"You read my mind, Ron!" said Sirius. "That's exactly what I'm talking about? Why can't this story do some good and have me just kill off Snape in the end and then we all have a big party and Prongs comes back from the dead?"

"I like that idea!" agreed James. "That is, if Harry doesn't die."

"No, Snape will. He's long overdue."

_Harry woke extremely early the next morning; so early that it was still dark. For a moment he thought the roaring of the wind had woken him. Then he felt a cold breeze on the back of his neck and sat bolt upright- Peeves the Poltergeist had been floating next to him, blowing hard in his ear._

"Get away from my son, Peeves!" said James. "Can't you see my son is trying to have some well-deserved rest? Leave him alone! Stop blowing in his ear!"

"_What did you do that for?" said Harry furiously._

"Yeah! Why?" said James.

_Peeves puffed out his cheeks, blew hard, and zoomed backward out of the room, cackling._

_Harry fumbled for his alarm clock and looked at it. It was half past four._

"And Harry doesn't need to be up at four-thirty in the morning!" said James.

_Cursing Peeves, he rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but it was very difficult, now that he was awake, to ignore the sounds of thunder rumbling overhead, the pounding of the wind against the castle walls, and the distant creaking of the trees in the Forbidden Forest. In a few hours he would be out on the Quidditch field, battling through that gale._

"Yeah, Quidditch!" cheered James. "But how can he play in that kind of weather when a stupid poltergeist has woke him up at four-thirty in the morning and now he can't get back to bed? It's all Peeves's fault!"

_Finally, he gave up any thought of more sleep, got up, dressed, picked up his Nimbus Two Thousand, and walked quietly out of the dormitory._

_As Harry opened the door, something brushed against his leg._

"If it's Peeves doing something again…" mumbled James.

_He bent down just in time to grab Crookshanks by the end of his bushy tail and drag him outside._

"_You know, I reckon Ron was right about you," Harry told Crookshanks suspiciously. "There are plenty of mice around this place- go and chase them. Go on," he added, nudging Crookshanks down the spiral staircase with his foot. "Leave Scabbers alone."_

"No, just don't chase any rats to begin with!" said Peter. "You could reform yourself. Begin a friendship with rats."

"Friendships with rats?" repeated Sirius in disbelief. "You need to stop watching little fairytale Muggle cartoon shows."

_The noise of the storm was even louder in the common room. Harry knew better than to think the match would be canceled; Quidditch matches weren't called off for trifles like thunderstorms._

"In rain, in snow, in sleet we play!" said James proudly. "Unfortunately, the weather conditions I just mentioned all result in having really bad hair. You can't get it to look properly windswept. That reminds me. Hey Padfoot, do you still have that hair gel we used last year?"

"Hmm. I think I might. It'd only be a little left, though," answered Sirius.

"Which says quite a lot, since it was a very big bottle and you only got it during the last two months of school or so," said Remus.

James and Sirius ignored him.

"Well, get some more, because that stuff really worked good," said James. "And stop buying that stupid mousse. I hate it. It's hardly strong enough."

Sirius rolled his eyes bitterly. "It's not mine. It was Regulus's. He kept trying to copy my hairstyle. So I kept stealing his hair mousse. No one told you to use it. I was wondering where it was disappearing to."

"Oh," said James. "Well, never mind. I'm not using that again. Let's just sneak into his dormitory and dump it all over his clothes and his robes so they're sticky.

Sirius smiled. "Now I like that idea."

_Nevertheless, he was starting to feel very apprehensive. Wood had pointed out Cedric Diggory to him in the corridor; Diggory was a fifth year and a lot bigger than Harry. Seekers were usually light and speedy, but Diggory's weight would be an advantage in this weather because he was less likely to be blown off course._

"You stupid kid!" cried James. "I hope you get blown off anyway! We'll get Peeves to start blowing in your ear!"

_Harry whiled away the hours until dawn in front of the fire, getting up every now and then to stop Crookshanks from sneaking up the boys' staircase again. At long last Harry thought it must be time for breakfast, so he headed through the portrait hole alone._

"_Stand and fight, you mangy cur!" yelled Sir Cadogan._

James and Sirius groaned. "Shut up, Sir Cadogan," they said in unison.

"_Oh, shut up," Harry yawned._

_He revived a bit over a large bowl of porridge-_

"Oh," said James contemplatively. "So Harry likes porridge. I'd never thought of him as a porridge sort of person, but if he likes it, then I'll have to remember to learn how to make some so that Harry can have the best porridge ever- porridge made by his father!"

"It'll be the best porridge ever if you learn to cook something other than _cereal_," Peter said.

"I still have time! That's no reason to limit my creativity!"

"Okay… But if you burn the kitchen, Lily's going to have your behind."

"Ooh. She can gladly have it." James winked at them. Sirius laughed. Remus rolled his eyes again.

_-and by the time he'd started on toast-_

"Yeah! I can make toast!" said James enthusiastically. "And I can also just put it in the toaster and push the button!"

Peter looked at him bitterly. "But you still burnt mine."

"Well, you didn't specify how crisp you wanted it," James retorted. "And that's what you get for telling me to make breakfast with your Muggle appliances."

_-the rest of the team had turned up._

"_It's going to be a tough one," said Wood, who wasn't eating anything._

"You've got to eat, Oliver!" cried James. "How can you defend goals on an empty stomach?"

"Funny. I remember you making goals on an empty one," said Sirius.

"It was not empty. It was a new strategic- uh- strategy."

"Uh huh. Yeah."

"_Stop worrying, Oliver," said Alicia soothingly, "we don't mind a bit of rain."_

_But it was considerably more than a bit of rain._

"Oh no!" cried James. "What if it starts to flood? How will they ever play Quidditch then?"

"Hmm," said Remus sarcastically. "Besides the fact that Quidditch is played on brooms in the _air_, I really think Dumbledore is powerful enough to prevent a flood from happening. And it didn't even say anything about a flood! It just said it was more than bit of rain. For heaven's sake, you worry about Harry and Quidditch too much."

"Hello. Moony? I've just found out I have a son who plays Quidditch. Have you any idea how happy that makes me?"

"Extremely," answered Remus. "Very much so. A little too much. I shudder to think what would happen if Harry ever got his hands onto a Firebolt-" He'd tried to stop himself from saying the broom name. He'd really meant not to say it, considering that James had been quiet for a while. But he'd accidentally brought it back.

"Firebolt!" James swooned.

"Way to go, Moony, you made him remember that broomstick," said Peter grumpily.

"But I didn't mean to! It just, well, slipped out! I was trying to make a point!"

"I love Firebolts!" sang James in a weird sort of song. "Oh, I wish I had a Firebolt for Harry, and then I could get another for me! And if we both were riding on Firebolts-"

"I don't think we'll hear any more points of yours with the way that song's going," Peter said, now trying to discreetly place his fingers in his ears.

"-and Quidditch fans would so love-er-ly see! We'd be the best in the lead! And the rest would all bleed! When they cry and they die of their need for the breed of the brooms called the Firebolt! Yeah! Doo ba dee da! Doo… nothing rhymes with Firebolt that I can remember! Except for lightning bolt! Which is the shape of Harry's scar! And with it he went far! And with his scar he's a star who goes far… on… FIREBOLTS! When you ride upon a Firebolt-"

"OY, PRONGS, SHUT UP! I WANNA HEAR THE REST OF THE STORY!" yelled Sirius. Peter stopped trying to be polite about stuffing his fingers in his ears and just went ahead and did it.

James huffed. "Fine. I was just trying to craft an ode to the Firebolt that we could sing in advance so that people look at us in wonder when it finally comes out."

"I wouldn't sing that song if my life depended on it," said Peter. "Plus, people wouldn't look at us in wonder. They would look at us in horror."

"That's just because you can't sing," said James. "Maybe if you could stay on pitch then people would actually want to hear you sing."

"I wasn't the one who was just making an ode to Firebolts!"

"Because you're not experienced enough to make one.

"I wanna hear the story! Shut up, already!" whined Sirius.

_Such was the popularity of Quidditch that the whole school turned out to watch the match as usual, but they ran down the lawns toward the Quidditch field, heads bowed against the ferocious wind, umbrellas being whipped out of their hands as they went. Just before he entered the locker room, Harry saw Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, laughing and pointing at him from under an enormous umbrella on their way to the stadium._

"Oh yeah? I hope it reverses on you from the wind and then you get blown away! I'll get Peeves if I have to!" said James.

_The team changed into their scarlet robes and waited for Wood's usual pre-match pep talk, but it didn't come. He tried to speak several times, made and odd gulping noise, then shook his head hopelessly and beckoned them to follow him._

"Look! Firebolts are a good thing! I better Oliver would cheer right up if he had one!" James pressed on. His friends's ears acted deaf to this comment.

_The wind was so strong that they staggered sideways as they walked out onto the field. If the crowd was cheering, they couldn't hear it over the fresh rolls of thunder. Rain was splattering over Harry's glasses. How on earth was he going to see the Snitch in this?_

"Oh no!" cried James. "What if they _lose_?"

"Either way you'll talk a lot, so what's the difference?" asked Peter.

"Shut up."

_The Hufflepuffs were approaching from the opposite side of the field, wearing canary-yellow robes. The Captains walked up to each other and shook hands; Diggory smiled at Wood but Wood now looked as though he had a lockjaw and merely nodded. Harry saw Madam Hooch's mouth form the words, "Mount your brooms." He pulled his right foot out of the mud with a squelch and swung it over his Nimbus Two Thousand. Madam Hooch put her whistle to her lips and gave it a blast that sounded shrill and distant- they were off._

Now, James really didn't sing much. Except when it came to Quidditch. He began to sing a Gryffindor Team Fight song he'd once heard people singing in the halls.

"_Go Gryffindor, fly on!  
__We know you have pride!  
__We are your loyal fans  
__We're always on your side!  
__Fly, Gryffindors, fly on!  
__Show your colors bright! (Scarlet and Gold!)  
__We've got the spirit  
__So let's hear it!  
__Gryffindor's gonna win tonight!  
__G-R-Y-F-F-I-N-D-O-R!  
__Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Hear that roar!"_

There was a collective groan from James's three friends.

"Who wrote that song, anyway?" said Sirius. "It's stupid. You need a new one. I've heard better, but I don't remember how they go."

"Yeah, that's the only one I can remember too," said James. "After all, you can't listen to songs for too long when you're flying. You must concentrate on the game!"

"If you'd like to do that, then I think we must all concentrate on the _book_," said Remus.

_Harry rose fast, but his Nimbus was swerving slightly with the wind. He held it steady as he could and turned, squinting in the rain._

_Within five minutes Harry was soaked to his skin and frozen, hardly able to see his teammates, let alone the tiny Snitch._

"I told you! It's flooding!" cried James.

_He flew backward and forward across the field past blurred red and yellow shapes, with no idea of what was happening in the rest of the game. He couldn't hear the commentary over the wind. The crowd was hidden beneath a sea of cloaks and battered umbrellas. Twice Harry came very close to being unseated by a Bludger; his vision was so clouded by the rain on his glasses he hadn't seen them coming._

"You know, I thought the first Quidditch game we read about was going to be exciting! Not depressing!" complained James.

"I was kind of hoping that we wouldn't have to hear about any of them," said Peter.

James made a sort of growling noise at him. "Are you saying you _don't like_ Quidditch?

"No," said Peter quickly.

_He lost track of time. It was getting harder and harder to hold his broom straight. The sky was getting darker, as though night had decided to come early. Twice Harry nearly hit another player, without knowing whether it was a teammate or opponent; everyone was now so wet, and the rain so thick, he could hardy tell them apart…_

"What if Harry's going color-blind?" cried James randomly.

"It just said the rain was this and everyone was wet!" said Remus. "He is not going color blind! Is it going to be simply impossible to read through a Quidditch match while you're in the room?"

"Well… you know how I am about Quidditch… and Harry…"

"No worries, Moony," said Sirius. He grinned and placed his hand over James's mouth. James pushed it off.

"Like that'll hold me off."

Sirius roughly stuffed his hand back over James's mouth.

_With the first flash of lightning came the sound of Madam Hooch's whistle; Harry could just see the outline of Wood through the thick rain, gesturing him to the ground. The whole team splashed down into the mud._

"_I called for a time-out!" Wood roared at his team. "Come on, under here-"_

_They huddled at the edge of the field under a large umbrella; Harry took off his glasses and wiped them hurriedly on his robes._

"_What's the score?"_

"_We're fifty points up," said Wood-_

"Yeah!" cheered James, throwing off Sirius's hand again. "That's not so bad for awful weather."

"_-but unless we get the Snitch soon, we'll be playing into the night."_

"_I've got no chance with these on," Harry said exasperatedly, waving his glasses._

_At that very moment, Hermione appeared at his shoulder; she was holding her cloak over her head and was, inexplicably, beaming._

"_I've had an idea, Harry! Give me your glasses, quick!"_

_He handed them to her, and as the team watched in amazement, Hermione tapped them with her wand and said, "Impervius!"_

"_There!" she said, handing them back to Harry. "They'll repel water!"_

"I LOVE YOU, HERMIONE!" cried James. "There's hope after all! I've changed my mind. Hermione would be a suitable girlfriend for Harry after all."

"I told you!" said Peter gleefully. "They're sweet as pumpkin pie."

"And I told _you_," said Sirius. "Never, _ever_ say the word _sweet_ again."

_Wood looked as though he could have kissed her._

"Hey!" cried James. "Oliver, you're a great Quidditch guy, but stop looking like you want to make moves on Harry's suitable girlfriend!"

* * *

**A/N: **This chapter appears to be too long for a chapter. So the rest of Chapter 9 is continued on Chapter 10, which is actually now 'Chapter 9 Part Two'. So the rest is there. :) 


	10. Chapter 9 Part Two

**A/N:** Again, this is the second part of Chapter Nine, because it was too long to fit all of it on one Chapter according to the submission. Ah well. We pick up right where we left off. Enjoy the ending. :)

* * *

"_Brilliant!" he called hoarsely after her as she disappeared into the crowd. "Okay, team, let's go for it!"_

_Hermione's spell had done the trick. Harry was still numb with cold, still wetter than he'd ever been in his life, but he could see. Full of fresh determination, he urged his broom through the turbulent air, staring in every direction for the Snitch, avoiding a Bludger, ducking beneath Diggory, who was streaking in the opposite direction…_

_There was another clap of thunder, followed immediately by forked lightning._

"Cancel the match already!" said Peter. "Someone's going to die!"

"It's not… _that_ big of a deal," said James. "You don't play Quidditch. You wouldn't know."

"But there's a thunderstorm! Someone could get electrocuted!" said Peter.

James shrugged. "Well, as long as it's not Harry, I don't care. Oh, and it would be nice if it wasn't Hermione, Ron, Oliver, or Moony either. Hopefully it would be Malfoy or Snivellus. Or both of them."

"That's an idea!" said Sirius. "We should find some way to electrocute Snivelly! I really want to know what his greasy hair would look like if it was all fried. It'd smell worse than usual, I bet."

"Good idea," agreed James. "But how would we get actual lightning to strike him?"

"No idea," said Sirius. "We'll have to figure that one out…"

_This was getting more and more dangerous. Harry needed to get the Snitch quickly-_

"Yes, he does! So they can _win!_" said James.

_He turned, intending to head back toward the middle of the field, but at that moment, another flash of lightning illuminated the stands, and Harry saw something that distracted him completely- the silhouette of an enormous shaggy black dog, clearly imprinted against the sky, motionless in the topmost, empty row of seats._

"Ahhh! It's the Grim!" yelled Peter, and Sirius decided to remain silent. "The omen of death! Trelawney was right! It's the Grim again! And it's like I just said, someone's going to die! Harry could die!"

"Not Harry, no!" said James. "Snivelly! Kill _Snivelly!_"

"And I still think it's weird how the Grim is described as looking exactly like _you_," added Peter, staring right at Sirius.

"But I haven't done anything," Sirius pleaded.

"We said we weren't going to start this up again," Remus began quietly.

"I never said I was starting it again," said Peter. "I was just pointing out similarities."

"Go point them out to yourself!" said Sirius. "I don't want to hear you! I want to hear the story!"

_Harry's numb hands slipped on the broom handle and his Nimbus dropped a few feet. Shaking his sodden bangs out of his eyes, he squinted back into the stands. The dog had vanished._

"See. No harm done. Good. Back to the Quidditch match," said Sirius briskly.

"_Harry!" came Wood's anguished yell from the Gryffindor goal posts. Harry, behind you!"_

"What?" said James frantically before Remus could read another word. "What, what, what, what, what? The Snitch? Is it the Snitch? I hope it's the Snitch. What, what, what, what?"

"How do you ever expect to find out what it is if you won't- stop- _interrupting_ me?" said a severely aggravated Remus.

"Fine. But I have to know! Read faster!"

_Harry looked wildly around. Cedric Diggory was pelting up the field, and a tiny speck of gold was shimmering in the rain-filled air between them-_

"I was right!" cried James. "The Snitch! Fly, Harry, fly! Get it before stupid Cedric does!"

_With a jolt of panic, Harry threw himself flat to the broomhand and zoomed toward the Snitch._

"_Come on!" he growled at his Nimbus as the rain whipped his face. "Faster!"_

"Yes! Faster!" interrupted James. "You know, this wouldn't be a problem if Harry had a Firebolt! I wonder what broom Cedric rides? If Harry had a Firebolt, he'd have gotten that Snitch already!"

"If Harry had a Firebolt, we'd have to tape your mouth with Spellotape so you couldn't talk about how great it was that Harry had one," said Sirius.

"I'd just get it off anyway," said James evenly.

_But something odd was happening. An eerie silence was falling across the stadium. The wind, though strong as ever, was forgetting to roar. It was as though someone had turned off the sound, as though Harry had gone suddenly deaf-_

"What if he is?" said James. "What if Harry wasn't color-blind at all, but deaf!"

"Well, if he was sitting in the room here with you, I think he'd be glad that he was deaf," said Peter.

"Hey!"

_-what was going on?_

_And then a horribly familiar wave of cold swept over him, inside him, just as he became aware of something moving on the field below…_

_Before he'd had time to think, Harry had taken his eyes off the Snitch and looked down._

"Come on, Harry, couldn't you have at least tried to get the Snitch first and _then_ looked down?" asked James.

_At least a hundred dementors, their hidden faces pointing up at him, were standing beneath him._

"Get rid of those dementors!" cried Sirius. "What are they doing there?"

"They're trying to make Gryffindor lose, and Harry lose his focus!" said James angrily.

"They're going to make someone die!" cried Peter.

"Dementors can't make people die. They suck out souls," Remus reminded him.

"You might as well be dead if you haven't got a soul," Sirius said.

_It was as though freezing water were rising in his chest, cutting at his insides. And then he heard it again… Someone was screaming-_

"Someone's dying!" cried Peter hysterically again.

_-screaming inside his head… a woman…_

"_Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"_

"Yes! Not Harry! Not Harry!" repeated James. "Who is this and what is she screaming about?"

"_Stand aside, you silly girl… stand aside, now…"_

"_Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-"_

"Who is this?" asked James again. "She's extremely nice if she's going to put her life before my son's. It reminds me a lot of- hey. Could it… do you think this might be… _Evans?_"

The boys took in this information.

"Well…" said Remus. "It's perfectly plausible. If you _are_ going to marry Lily, and Harry is going to be your child, then it would be natural to assume that Lily should be a very parental mother. She stands up for Snape, after all-"

"Even though that's stupid," added Sirius.

"-so why wouldn't she put her own life over her son's?"

"Oh!" said James fondly. "I love her more already!"

"Is that even possible?" asked Peter.

"Yes, it _is_," James said. "But what I want to know now then is who is that other person? The one who called her a 'silly girl', which just isn't true! Who wants to kill Harry?"

There was grave silence.

"Voldemort did," Remus reminded them.

"Okay…" said James slowly. "So let's say that those voices are Lily and Voldemort. That's… wow. That's very touching right now. I love that girl. I love Harry. I hate you, Voldemort!"

"We all do," said Sirius. "And I, in this mind right now, will hate him my whole life long!"

"Lily is putting her life over Harry's to spare him…" sniffed James. "That's so nice of her. Now where am I? I'll gladly put my life before her and Harry's!"

"Well… you did, remember?" said Peter. "You died. You could've."

"This is really making me feel weird," said James. "And we don't even know if that really _was_ Lily and Voldemort."

"We'll just have to wait an see, then," said Remus. "Maybe something will come up by the end of the chapter and tell us who it was."

_Numbing, swirling white mist was filling Harry's brain… What was he doing? Why was he flying? He needed to help her… She was going to die… She was going to be murdered…_

"No, anyone but Evans- that is, if it really is her!" said James. "Well… except, if it is, then she _is_ going to be murdered anyway, but I… I didn't think it would go like that. I wish I could tell her," he added, looking distinctly unsettled.

"No offense, mate, but she won't even go out with you yet," Sirius said. "I think if you told her she was dying, how she was dying, who she was dying for, and where that little stranger came from, she'd think it was one big joke."

"Well… You talk with her, Moony. You could tell her," said James.

"I only just really started talking with her during last year, when our prefect patrolling duties started to get uncomfortably silent," Remus said. "I never said a word to her much before, remember? We've only just started getting a long and being somewhat friends."

"She has to talk to me nicely at _some point_," said James exasperatedly. "Hurry up and get her to date me so we can have a long loving relationship before we are murdered!"

_He was falling, falling through the icy mist._

"_Not Harry! Please…have mercy… have mercy…"_

"Please, Voldemort, or whoever you are! Have mercy on my son! Have mercy on Lily if that's who that is! And even if it is not!"

_A shrill voice was laughing, the woman was screaming, and Harry knew no more._

"No, son! Don't tell me you've just died!" said James.

"_Lucky the ground was so soft."_

"_I thought he was dead for sure."_

"_But he didn't even break his glasses."_

"Sounds like that Impervius charm really did a lot more than protect Harry's glasses from rain," said Peter.

"I won't rest until I know that Harry has been protected, and not just his glasses!" said James.

"Well, someone just said they thought he was dead," said Sirius.

"Don't worry, Harry's alive. It's just about to talk about him- alive and…er… maybe well- in a sentence," said Remus.

_Harry could hear voices whispering, but they made no sense whatsoever._

"If Harry's not dead, then what if he's been made insane?" asked James worriedly.

"Will you let me finish reading this chapter or not?" said Remus irritably.

"I'm just anxious for the well-being of my son!"

"He was playing Quidditch in a thunderstorm and dementors came on. Naturally, he would be a little disoriented for a few sentences. Now will you let me read?"

_He didn't have a clue where he was, or how he'd got there, or what he'd been doing before he got there._

"Well, that sounds like a Memory Charm to me!" said James.

"Harry does not have a Memory Charm on him!" said Remus.

"How do you know?" asked James shrewdly.

"Because I've been reading ahead to myself every time you interject with stupid interruptions! We'll never finish the book at this rate!"

"This book is about _my_ son! So we can read at any rate I want!"

"Then if you want to hear about your son within the next five years, you'd better be quiet."

"Impossible."

_All he knew was that every inch of him as aching as though it had been beaten._

James said nothing, but made a noise that sounded like a cross between a whimper and a moan.

"_That was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life."_

_Scariest… the scariest thing… hooded black figures… cold… screaming…_

_Harry's eyes snapped open._

"He lives!" cried James. "Harry lives!"

Sirius flung his hand over James's mouth again.

_He was lying in the hospital wing. The Gryffindor Quidditch team, spattered with mud from head to foot, was gathered around his bed. Ron and Hermione were also there, looking as though they'd just climbed out of a swimming pool._

"And you were there. And I remember you were there too. And so were you. And you," said Peter, mocking something.

"Who is there? The crazy little people who run amok in your mind?" said Sirius in a sardonic way.

"No," scoffed Peter. "I was making fun of the ending of 'The Wizard of Oz'."

"What wizard of Australia?" asked Sirius blankly.

"No, not _Australia_!" said Peter. "_Oz_! You know Oz!"

"No, he doesn't," said Remus. "Padfoot doesn't _read much_, now does he?"

"I do too read!" said Sirius. "Just not boring stuff about some wizard in Australia."

"I told you, it's not a wizard in Australia!" said Peter. "And you didn't have to read a book, there was this one Muggle film about it too."

"It's a story about a girl from Kansas named Dorothy who-"

"Is she really good looking?" asked Sirius. Remus ignored him.

"-who is knocked unconscious from a tornado and has the most descriptive dream about going to a magical land called Oz, and she has traveled there because her house was picked up by the tornado and when she landed in a part of Oz called Munchkinland- who, yes, are like midgets- she killed the Wicked Witch of the East. Unfortunately, now the witch's sister, the Wicked Witch of the West, is very angry at Dorothy and is even more so when the Good Witch of the North, Glinda, gives Dorothy Witch of the East's ruby slippers; speaking of those slippers, they were silver in the book so I really don't blame them for changing the color; and so Dorothy has to follow the Yellow Brick Road to find the Wizard of Oz in Emerald City who is her only hope for getting back to Kansas, and along the way, she meets a Scarecrow who wants a brain, a Tin Woodman who wants a heart, and a Cowardly Lion who wants some courage. Meanwhile, the Wicked Witch of West is obsessive about those slippers, and so the Wizard tells Dorothy to go get the broom of the Witch if she wants to go home. And there's a battle for the shoes, and Dorothy dumps some water on the Witch accidentally, and she melts-"

"I'm melting, melting!" interjected Peter.

"-to the floor, and Dorothy gets the broom and goes back to the Wizard who grants Dorothy and her friends their wishes, except Dorothy doesn't get home right away, but then Glinda tells her to click her heels three times, and Dorothy goes back home, but really, she wakes up from her extremely long and detailed dream."

"It was a better movie," said Peter.

"That sounds kind of stupid," said Sirius. "Who writes a story about a battle for shoes? After all, they're only shoes!"

"Well, who writes stories about broomsticks? After all, you only clean floors with them!" said Remus.

James pushed off Sirius's hand. "You do not! There are select types! Like the Fire-"

Sirius placed his hand back where it was. "What a shame. He was almost quiet. Keep reading. Maybe one day I'll watch the film of that, but it doesn't sound particularly interesting to me."

James took Sirius's hand off again. "But you know what sounded interesting to me? The melting part. Maybe after we hit Snivellus, hex him, and electrocute him, maybe then we can melt him too."

"Yeah!" said Sirius excitedly.

"_Harry!" said Fred, who looked extremely white underneath the mud. "How're you feeling?"_

_It was as thought Harry's memory was on fast forward. The lightning- the Grim- the Snitch- and the dementors…_

"_What happened?" he said, sitting up so suddenly they all gasped._

"_You fell off," said Fred._

James made a little scream that became muffled when he clapped his hands to his mouth. "Those ruddy dementors! Harry fell off his broom!"

"I told you! Harry almost died!" said Peter. "It's all the Grim's fault! A death omen! He almost died after he saw the death omen!"

"It was just a coincidence!" said Sirius sharply.

"_Must've been- what- fifty feet?"_

James gasped again.

"_We thought you'd died," said Alicia, who was shaking._

_Hermione made a small, squeaky noise. Her eyes were extremely bloodshot._

"Aww, look how much Hermione cares for Harry!" said Peter. "It's so cute!"

"It's so wrong," said Sirius. "Harry and Hermione? Um, no. That's not working for me."

"_But the match," said Harry. "What happened? Are we doing a replay?"_

_No one said anything. The horrible truth sank into Harry like a stone._

"_We didn't- lose?"_

"No, NO!" cried out James. "Don't tell me Gryffindor lost! Even after I sang one of the Gryffindor fight songs?"

"_Diggory got the Snitch," said George._

"I knew we shouldn't have liked him!" said James. "Look at that! He caught the Snitch! Harry should have! It was his first Quidditch game of the year, and now _this_ had to happen!"

"_Just after you fell. He didn't realize what had happened. When he looked back and saw you on the ground, he tried to call it off. Wanted a rematch."_

"Oh," said James. "Then… Then I guess maybe Diggory isn't all that bad. Sounds like he plays fair. Even if he is a stupid git who beat Harry to the Snitch."

"_But they won fair and square… even Wood admits it."_

"_Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there._

"_Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."_

"Like in a flood!" James said. "I told you there might be a flood!"

"Well, if Oliver drowns himself, then he'll die!" said Peter. "Like I said! Someone's going to die!"

"Yeah, at this rate I'll say _someone_ is," said Sirius bitterly.

_Harry put his face to his knees, his hands gripping his hair. Fred grabbed his shoulder and shook it roughly._

"_C'mon, Harry, you've never missed the Snitch before."_

"Really?" said James with obvious pride in his voice. "But in that case, that's what makes this so sad!"

"_There had to be one time you didn't get it," said George._

"No, there doesn't," said James. "Harry is an excellent Quidditch player because I am too!"

"_It's not over yet," said Fred. "We lost by a hundred points-"_

James gaped. Sirius did as well. Remus's eyes did another roll. Peter smacked both James and Sirius in the shoulders.

"Hello? Are you there?" he said.

"A hundred- a hundred points!" gasped Sirius.

"Gryffindor is going to need to do some serious work if they want to win!" said James.

"_-right? So if Hufflepuff loses to Ravenclaw and we beat Ravenclaw and Slytherin…"_

"_Hufflepuff'll have to lose by at least two hundred points," said George._

"_But if they beat Ravenclaw…"_

"_No way, Ravenclaw is too good. But if Slytherin loses against Hufflepuff…"_

"_It all depends on the points- margin of a hundred either way-"_

_Harry lay there, not saying a word. They had lost…for the first time ever, he had lost a Quidditch match._

James made another dying noise.

_After ten minutes or so, Madam Pomfrey came over to tell the team to leave him in peace._

"How can Harry be peaceful with _those_ thoughts in his head?" asked Sirius.

"_We'll come and see you later," Fred told him. "Don't beat yourself up, Harry, you're still the best Seeker we've ever had."_

_The team trooped out, trailing mud behind them. Madam Pomfrey shut the door behind them, looking disapproving. Ron and Hermione moved nearer to Harry's bed._

"_Dumbledore was really angry," Hermione said in a quaking voice. "I've never seen him like that before. He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wand, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wand at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them. They left the stadium right away… He was furious they'd come onto the grounds. We heard him-"_

"_Then he magicked you onto a stretcher," said Ron. "And walked up to the school with you floating on it. "Everyone thought you were…"_

"Dead," James finished hollowly.

"Were you not just paying attention to what Dumbledore did?" said Remus. "He's brilliant. He prevented Harry from getting too beaten up, and he sent the dementors away with what sounds like it was a Patronus Charm. He helped Harry get to the hospital wing. Dumbledore is amazing."

"I didn't say that he wasn't," said James. "I'm kind of busy mourning about how Harry fell off his broom and lost a Quidditch match. Do you mind?"

_His voice faded, but Harry hardly noticed. He was thinking about what the dementors had done to him… about the screaming voice._

"Wait… he heard screaming before on the train, remember?" said Peter. "It must be the same event."

"Oh, very good, Professor Pettigrew," mocked Sirius. "You've only just noticed that?"

Peter looked deflated. "I was a little bit too busy being concerned about someone dying!"

"Wormtail! No one is dying!" Sirius said firmly.

_He looked up and saw Ron and Hermione looking at him so anxiously that he quickly cast around for something matter-of-fact to say._

"_Did someone get my Nimbus?"_

_Ron and Hermione looked quickly at each other._

"_Er-"_

"What do you mean, 'er'?" demanded James. "You either got it, or you didn't!"

"_What?" said Harry, looking from one to the other._

"_Well… when you fell off, it got blown away," said Hermione hesitantly._

"Blown away?" James repeated.

"_And?"_

"_And it hit- it hit- oh, Harry- it hit the Whomping Willow."_

"It hit the Whomping Willow?" repeated James even louder. Remus distinctly began to divert his eyes around before trying to read some more. But James spoke before he could.

"Moony!" said James. "Harry's Nimbus just hit _your_ tree! Do you know what that means?"

"Er…" said Remus, not really wanting to know the answer but knowing it anyway. "That there's a slight possible chance that it… possibly might have…" Remus gulped. He didn't even think it would still be there. There wasn't any need to have a memoir of a werewolf lying about.

"It's _smashed_, Remus!" cried James. "Your tree killed Harry's broom!"

"See? Something died!" said Peter.

"I'm sure it didn't mean to!" said Remus quickly, and realized how stupid this sounded. "The Whomping Willow doesn't control what it hits! It just- sort of- hits!"

"I'll say it does," said Peter, looking pained in the face.

"What do you expect Harry can do now?" thundered James. "He hasn't got a broom anymore, because your tree has most likely _destroyed_ it. How is he going to play Quidditch and actually _win_ now? Those school brooms are complete rubbish; he's not going to win on any of those."

"I'm sorry, James!" said Remus. "I didn't expect it to still be around! It's not my fault that Harry's broom blew away into the Whomping Willow!" But it _is_ your fault for it being planted, Remus reminded himself. "Look, Harry has lots of money, he can just buy himself a new broom or something, maybe he'll go buy a Firebolt-"

James's rage vanished at once. "Yes! That's it! He has a perfect excuse to go buy a Firebolt now! Firebolts, Firebolts, oh fiery Firebolts! Firebolts, I loooove you. Yes, I do. Get a Firebolt, that's what Harry must doooo…"

"For goodness's sake, I was only making a suggestion," Remus whispered to Sirius. "No need for the big song and dance."

"Shut up, Prongs," said Sirius. "Moony wants to finish reading."

James looked very angry, but stopped his completely random singing. Remus smiled. "Thank you."

_Harry's insides lurched. The Whomping Willow was a very violent tree that stood in the middle of the grounds._

"_And?" he said, dreading the answer._

"_Well, you know the Whomping Willow," said Ron. "It- it doesn't like being hit."_

"You can say that again," grumbled Peter.

"_Professor Flitwick brought it back just before you came around," said Hermione in a very small voice._

James blinked. "Brought it back? Why? Unless… maybe it survived?"

_Slowly, she reached down for a bag at her feet, turned it upside down, and dipped a dozen bits of splintered wood and twig onto the bed, the only remains of Harry's faithful, finally beaten, broomstick._

"Nooooo!" James cried, throwing himself onto the floor. "It can't be! And, even if Harry _did_ get a Firebolt, when is he going to get it, anyway? I just thought about it, and Harry can't just go back to Diagon Alley. As it is, he can't even go to Hogsmeade!"

"Well… He'll do _something_ I'm sure," said Remus. "Anyway, that was the end of Chapter Nine."

"_That?_" said James. "_That_ was the end? This woman's just going to end the chapter after I'm mourning about the worst Quidditch match ever, Harry falling, possibly Lily begging possibly Voldemort for mercy, Harry's broom dying, and then hearing it's been smashed into a thousand pieces?"

"Let's not forget the worst Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson," added Remus. "Where _am_ I?"

"Be glad that you don't know where you are," said Sirius. "I'm glad that I don't know where I am. At least… I _think_ I am."

Remus yawned and looked at his watch. "We'll worry about this later. It's nearly midnight, and I'm very tired."

"_Now_?" asked James. "After all of _that?_"

"Yes," Remus repeated. "I'm tired."

James made a huffing noise. "Fine." He left the room and returned a minute later with some sleeping bags and pillows.

"You're all going to have to sleep in your regular clothes, I guess," said James. "Sorry."

"I don't care," said Sirius.

Remus carefully placed _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ onto James's bed stand, and then returned to his own sleeping bag. James turned off the lights.

"Good night," Peter said.

"'Night," the boys all chorused.


	11. Chapter 10 Part One

**A/N:** As a Valentine's Day treat, I'm putting up the first half of chapter 10. The chapter as a whole isn't completely finished, but over half of it is, so I figured I'd put the first half up because I knew the whole chapter would take two chapters to load. So you'll have to wait a bit for the dramatic conclusion, I'm afraid. But don't worry, the first half is just as good (I hope)! So enjoy the chapter, and have a Happy Valentine's Day!

* * *

It was not the first time the four Marauders had had a sleepover. So naturally, when Peter began snoring loudly, Sirius began to make goofy faces unconsciously, and James began to mumble things, Remus wasn't fazed. The only difference was that now James wasn't only mumbling about Quidditch, alternate revenges on Snape, and Lily Evans, but also he muttered about Harry Potter and Firebolts.

"Firebolts…. Wooo… real fast… hit… greasy on head... go Harry… Lily love…" mumbled James.

Remus himself had not yet fallen asleep, and smirked at this. Peter gave a loud snore. Oh dear. How would he ever get to sleep with this bunch around him?

He shifted over quietly in his sleeping bag to the window in the room, lifted the curtain lightly, and craned his neck up. Were the stars shining tonight? Brightly. And the nearly full moon? Just as so. Remus hated Astronomy, despite his aptitude for it. It could always be applied to that useless fortune telling in Divination, and all of that was ridiculous. Even so, there were many nights when he could never fall asleep, and looking at the stars calmed him. All he had to do was avoid staring at that big evil orb of angst. And that was much easier said than done.

_Snnnnoooooooorrre._

"Die, Snivelly…. Hit you… with my bludger…"

Sirius even began sleep talking himself. "…kiss, pookie…"

Remus snorted. No doubt Sirius was talking about one of his many girlfriends. Or even just some random girl he had dreamed up.

"You fall… revenge with that bludger… bat! Ha… heh… tee… die, die…" continued James.

Remus slowly closed the curtain on the night sky. There was no need to worry about the full moon just yet; he still had one free night after this. There was no need to try and decipher the future from the stars. There was no need to worry about the future. Well… except that a book had been planted in the room that had made them do just that.

Where had it come from? Who had sent it, or what? Why was it about them? And just where was this going? So far the only thing he'd learned was that James would marry Lily and have a famous son named Harry, who'd live with nasty relatives because James and Lily would be killed by Voldemort but Harry survived, so he got to go to Hogwarts where in his third year he'd be taught by Remus himself, while in the meantime, Sirius ran amok as an escaped convict. Oh. He'd also learned that James had an unhealthy fascination with broomsticks. And that one day, Snape would figure out that Remus was a werewolf. Was that the reason it had been sent to them? No. He doubted it. It couldn't be. He wasn't important enough to need to be worried about. No. It was most likely for James. After all, the book was called Harry _Potter_. It had just come to reassure James that all hope for Lily was not lost, and that something would come across and stop Voldemort as he grew his power. It was for James. Why did Remus have to have these subconscious thoughts that something might actually be for himself? He'd gotten some friends. A willow tree. A shack. The chance to go to school. The fact that his friends had gone against the law and become unregistered Animagi. Not to mention that in the future, he was getting a teaching job at Hogwarts. That was more than he deserved.

_Go to bed, Remus_, he thought. Why can't you ever just fall asleep as easily as your friends? They're not worrying about anything, that's for certain. It's only you who insists on staying up and analyzing through the night.

He gave a sigh and lay back down in his sleeping bag. Slowly, Remus finally fell asleep.

Peter continued to snore. James continued to mumble. But as the minutes past, Sirius stopped muttering random things and became encased in nightmares about his future.

---

"Moony… Moony… Moony! Wake up!"

Remus groaned. He was normally a very light sleeper who had no problems waking up, but if he'd been up half the night and the full moon was on it's way, then this was generally a hard thing to do. He slowly opened his eyes and saw James's hazel ones staring back at him. "What do you want?"

"I want you to get up, obviously," James replied. "I want you to read the future book."

Remus gave another groan and turned over, catching sight of James's clock. "James, it's a quarter past six in the morning. Go back to sleep." He pulled the sleeping bag back over himself.

"Since when do you want to sleep in later?" asked James. "You're always preaching to me about waking up early even when it's not time for Quidditch training."

_Snnnooooooorrre._

Remus recognized that sound right away. "And Peter's still asleep too," came his muffled voice from beneath the sleeping bag. "Go wait until he wakes up."

James sighed exasperatedly. "If we do that then we'll never get up!"

"No, we'll never get up if you wait for Sirius. He takes forever," answered Remus's muffled voice.

"Come on, Remus, please?" said James. "Why're you so tired?"

"Gee, let's think," said Remus sleepily. "I've been the one _reading_ the future book, the full moon's tomorrow night, and I couldn't fall asleep because Peter kept snoring and you and Sirius wouldn't stop talking to yourselves. I've distinctly remembered one of the reasons why I always pull the curtains around my bed at Hogwarts."

"Fine. I'll let you sleep some more."

"Thank you."

---

Fifteen minutes later, James started pestering Remus again.

"What do you want now?" asked Remus, pulling the sleeping bag down so that it wasn't over his face anymore.

"I said I'd let you sleep more."

"What time is it?"

"Half past six."

"James!" Remus said. "That was only fifteen minutes. Is Sirius up yet?"

"No."

"Is Peter?"

"No."

"Then for goodness's sake. They fell asleep before I did. Go see if you can even get them to wake up."

"Fine. I will," answered James. "Sirius! Hey, Sirius! Wake up! Get up, Padfoot!"

Uncharacteristically, Sirius sprang up out of the sleeping bag and into a sitting position. "I'm awake. What is it?" he said quickly. Remus noticed that Sirius was extremely sweaty.

"Nothing, really," shrugged James. "Just wanted you to wake up so that Remus could read more of the future book."

"Oh. That." Sirius rubbed his blood-shot eyes. "I guess we can. Is he awake?"

"Somewhat."

The next moment, Sirius was crawling over to Remus. "Moony! Wake up! Come on!"

"I'm awake, I'm awake," Remus said, wondering why his friends wanted to actually get up early _today_. "Please get out of my face. No offense, but at the moment you are extremely sweaty and disgusting."

Sirius scoffed. "And good morning to you too, Wolfy." He crawled back over to his sleeping bag and started wiping his forehead on it.

"I didn't mean it like that," Remus sighed, getting up against his will. "I'm just very tired and not thinking clearly."

"I know you are," said Sirius. "I mean, I know that you're tired. I'm not saying you weren't thinking clearly. I know you're tired."

Remus peered at him. "Are you sure _you're_ not tired? Your eyes seem awfully red and bloody. Are you all right?"

"Yeah. 'Course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" answered Sirius quickly. "I don't spend hours in the bathroom for nothing…"

James was staring at Peter and his ever-escaping snores. "Who wants to wake up Peter?"

"Eh, I will," said Sirius, turning away from Remus. He took a deep breath.

"Don't scream at him!" snapped Remus. "Besides, James, don't you think your parents might hear us? We've been talking a little loudly, and if we're going to start reading this book again at six-thirty in the morning, then no doubt we're bound to get louder."

"Well, this is a big house and they're a good distance away from us. But you know what else?" James smiled and reached for his wand on his bedside table. "This is what I love about living in a house of overage pureblood wizards- if you're casting a spell here, the stupid Ministry can't even tell who's doing it!" With that being said, he pointed his wand at the room and said, "_Silencius!"_ and then replaced it where it was. "There. Now no one can hear anything that's coming out of this room."

"Hey, now that's a spell I know and put to good use," said Sirius, grinning a bit evilly.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know, Dumbledore ought've thought of that for the Shrieking Shack… Stop people getting so suspicious about it." Another thought occurred. "James, are you _sure_ the Ministry won't figure out that it was you doing the magic?"

"Of course I am," James said with a slight twitch in the eye. "I'm always right, so I should be right about this."

"Good. Now no one can hear us. That being said…" Sirius gave another evil smile, and then leaned over toward Peter.

"OY, WORMTAIL! WAKE UP! GOOD MORNING, STARSHINE, THE EARTH SAYS HELLO! RISE AND SHINE! MADAM ROSMERTA WANTS TO SEE YOU!" He gave a very pronounced wink at his two friends.

Peter jumped out of his sleep. "What? Really? Where?"

Sirius snorted. "Of course she's not here. Ew. It's James's house."

Peter's excited face melted into one of disappointment. "Oh…"

"Well, at least you're awake now."

"Yes, why does everyone seem to be waking up enthusiastically except for me?" Remus mumbled to himself.

"You know, Moony, you were just talking about me and Sirius talking to ourselves all night, but you seem to be doing it to yourself now," James pointed out.

"Tired," said Remus. He yawned and then said, "Well, I suppose you're all expecting me to read this book now, aren't you?"

They nodded. Remus got up and retrieved the book and then sat back down on his sleeping bag.

"_Chapter Ten. The-_ oh, Merlin, I must still be asleep. This is not possible."

"What's not possible?" asked Peter.

"Harry got a Firebolt?" James inquired excitedly.

"Har, har," said Remus sarcastically. "No. It's… it's a bit of a… I don't exactly know what to…" He read over the chapter title again. "I am asleep. I am still sleeping, and any moment now Sirius is going to scream into my ear…"

"OY, MOONY!" screamed Sirius, though not into Remus's ear. Remus stared at him with an aggravated look.

"Sorry," said Sirius innocently. "You just said that… oh, well, never mind. Let me see this…" He leaned over and looked at the book. "Oh, God, you're right…"

"What?" said Peter. "What is it?"

"It's…" started Remus. "It's, er, it's kind of a…"

"The chapter is called _The Marauder's Map_," explained Sirius in an awestruck voice.

James and Peter both did double takes.

"S-seriously?" asked James.

"Very seriously," Sirius answered, still looking with wide-eyes at the title. "Especially coming from your serious friend, and all…"

"This is too _weird_," said Remus, who began rubbing his head roughly. "I swear, I'm not reading this correctly. I'm asleep. It's a figment of my imagination. It's- _ow!"_ He rubbed his arm. "Sirius, what did you have to pinch me for?"

"Let's get this clear. You're not asleep. This is the chapter title. It's called _The Marauder's Map,_" said Sirius.

"You know what this means, don't you?" said Peter. "Well, besides the fact that I might actually be mentioned?"

"We're legends! We're famous!" cried James. "Or, at least our map is anyway! Ooh, wouldn't it be horrible if it had completely different names on it, like if someone stole it or they plagiarized it… but, if we just hope it's not… our map is still there! Maybe" –and now James began to get even more excited- "maybe, just _maybe_ Professor Moony is going to give Harry the map! You know, like I said earlier! Follow in my footsteps. This is the best start to a morning I could possibly imagine!"

"This is a start to a morning I'd _never_ imagine," muttered Remus.

"Let's get a move on, then!" said Sirius. "We haven't got all day. Eh, well, actually, we have. But any chapter with the name 'Marauder's Map' in the title deserves to be read straight away, don't you think?"

"Of course," said Peter.

"I have no idea _what_ I've been thinking this morning," said Remus.

_Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping Harry in the hospital wing for the rest of the weekend. He didn't argue or complain, but he wouldn't let her throw away the shattered remnants of his Nimbus Two Thousand. He knew he was being stupid, knew that the Nimbus was beyond repair, but Harry couldn't help it; he felt as though he'd lost one of his best friends._

"Oh, poor Harry," said James. "Look how sad and filled with angst he is because his broom has been _destroyed_ by a certain tree! He needs a new broom! He needs that Firebolt!"

"Please, James. Don't start this now. It's too early in the morning," said Remus.

"Wow, Moony. Since when did you become so grumpy in the morning?" asked Sirius.

"Since you kept me up half the night and was then forced to wake up early too. And since when have _you_ been in support of the Firebolt obsession?" Remus asked back.

"Oh, just until Prongs mentions it a bit too many times."

_He had a stream of visitors, all intent on cheering him up. Hagrid sent him a bunch of earwiggy flowers that looked like yellow cabbages-_

"Ergh, is he still growing those?" asked Peter. "I've seen them outside his cabin. They're disgusting."

"And they're not suitable for wishing Harry to get well!" said James. "Still… it is the thought that counts."

_-and Ginny Weasley, blushing furiously, turned up with a get-well card she had made herself, which sang shrilly unless Harry kept it shut under his bowl of fruit._

"Aw, that was nice," said James.

"Sounds like Harry's got a little admirer," said Sirius. "Aw, maybe Ginny has a little crush on Harry!"

James considered it. "Harry and Ginny. Hmm. Well, I don't really know anything about her, so I can't say anything."

"For once you're sounding rational," Remus commented.

"It's morning, Moony. I'm rational, you're grumpy. We're all just being weird."

_The Gryffindor team visited again on Sunday morning, this time accompanied by Wood, who told Harry (in a hollow, dead sort of voice) that he didn't blame him in the slightest._

"It sounds a lot like he does," said Peter. "That Quidditch obsessed weirdo."

"Excuse me!" said James. "Now you're calling _me_ a weirdo too!"

"I just don't get Quidditch!" whined Peter. "But I must admit, you really do have a natural talent for it, James…"

"Why, thank you," said James, and his offense from Peter seemed to vanish right away.

_Ron and Hermione left Harry's beside only at night. But nothing anyone said or did could make Harry feel any better, because they only knew half of what was troubling._

"And how does that make you feel?" said Sirius, mocking a psychiatrist.

"I think that sentence was rather self-explanatory," said Remus. "But in any case, he's about to elaborate on it here…"

_He hadn't told anyone about the Grim, not even Ron and Hermione, because he knew Ron would panic and Hermione would scoff. The fact remained, however, that it had now appeared twice, and both appearances had been followed by near-fatal-accidents; the first time, he had nearly been run over by the Knight Bus; the second, fallen fifty feet from his broomstick._

"That's only in a few months, so far!" added James. "Who knows what pain might've crossed his path during his first and second year! You know, this is kind of inconvenient! We don't even know how he got his letter or anything! All of the sudden we just know that he's my kid and he goes to Hogwarts. We don't even know much about his past. What's the whole point?"

_Was the Grim going to haunt him until he actually died?_

"He'd better not!" said James.

_Was he going to spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder for the beast?_

_And then there were the dementors. Harry felt sick and humiliated every time he thought of them. Everyone said the dementors were horrible, but no one else collapsed every time they went near one. No one else heard echoes in their head of their dying parents._

"What?" said Sirius.

"You… you think we were right, then?" said Remus.

"We have to be. The book just said Harry was hearing his dead parents, and that's Prongs and Lily."

"Yeah…" said James pensively. "It's just… it just said he heard his parents. Not his mother, his dying parents. And the woman screaming, that obviously has to be Lily. And there were only two voices, and if it said he heard his dying parents… no. The other voice couldn't be me? It couldn't be! They were being so mean and horrible to Harry and Lily!"

"Maybe the book was just using a general term and saying 'parents'," suggested Peter.

_Because Harry knew who that screaming voice belonged to now._

"And I'm sure we do too," added James quietly.

_He had heard her words, heard them over and over again during the night hours in the hospital wing while he lay awake, staring at the strips of moonlight on the ceiling._

Remus was strongly reminded of himself during the previous night.

_When the dementors approached him, he heard the last moments of his mother's life, her attempts to protect him, Harry, from Lord Voldemort-_

Peter flinched. "It's too early to hear that name!"

"The questions on the voices are answered, though," said Sirius. "It was definitely Lily, and now we know that the man was Vold- uh- dyshorts."

James breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad that wasn't me. But that's not an awful nice way to die! Really… if those were some of Lily's last words…"

_-and Voldemort's laughter before he murdered her… Harry dozed fitfully, sinking into dreams full of clammy, rotted hands and petrified pleading, jerking awake to dwell again on his mother's voice._

"Sounds a little familiar," said Sirius in a voice to himself, barely more than a whisper.

_It was a relief to return to the noise and bustle of the main school on Monday, where he was forced to think about other things, even if he had to endure Draco Malfoy's taunting. Malfoy was almost beside himself with glee at Gryffindor's defeat._

"Bet you are, you little whiny brat," said James. "You didn't even have the courage to play against Gryffindor just because you didn't like the weather! You coward! Even so, I guess it worked out all right, because Cedric may be stupid, but he wanted to play fair. Which is more credit than I give to the Slytherin team."

_He had finally taken off his bandages, and celebrated having the full use of both arms again by doing spirited imitations of Harry falling off his broom._

"Why, you!" cried James, his rage mounting quickly. "That shows even more of what a little fake you are! Miraculously your arm is healed just in time for you to make evil, mean-spirited impersonations of Harry falling off his broom and _losing_ the match when it wasn't even his fault!"

"I say we go get Buckbeak to _really_ break his arm," growled Sirius. "Or his leg. Or scull. Or his whole body. It all works for me."

_Malfoy spent much of their next Potions class doing dementor imitations across the dungeon;_

"I think the dementors should have their revenge on Malfoy's mean impersonations of them too! Do us all a favor, and suck out his soul!" cried Sirius dramatically.

"Oh, come now, Padfoot. Do you really think Malfoy deserves his soul sucked out for something like this?" asked Remus.

"Yes!" answered Sirius and James in unison.

_Ron finally cracked and flung a large, slippery crocodile heart at Malfoy, which hit him in the face-_

James and Sirius high-fived each other. "Yeah! Go Ron!"

_-and caused Snape to take fifty points from Gryffindor._

"You evil, power-abusing, grease ball!" spat Sirius. "Speaking of which, you better not be taking over Moony's class again! Or anyone's class! Even History of Magic! Stay in your dungeon!"

"Where is that cane from St. Brutus's when you need it?" asked James.

"_If Snape's teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts again, I'm skiving off," said Ron as they headed toward Lupin's classroom after lunch._

"Don't blame you, Ron. I would," said Sirius.

"Personally, I would have skived off every single Potions lesson, even if I did get detention for it," said James.

"_Check who's in there, Hermione."_

"Please not Snape, please not Snape, please not Snape…" muttered Remus.

"Actually, I wouldn't mind Snivelly in there if he was getting a torture session from the students who were already there…" said James.

_Hermione peered around the classroom door._

"_It's okay!"_

"Woo hoo!" the four Marauders cheered in unison, making a four way high-five. Remus looked thoroughly relieved.

_Professor Lupin was back at work. It certainly looked as though he had been ill. His old robes were hanging more loosely on him and there were dark shadows beneath his eyes; nevertheless-_

"Oh, you know what?" said Remus, interrupting himself. "I… I don't _think_ Snape did anything. Sounds to me like it was just the full moon. Again…"

Peter was looking slightly disappointed.

"What are you looking so sad about?" asked Sirius.

"Oh," said Peter. "I just really wanted to be right about something. Not that I wanted you poisoned, Moony," he added hastily.

"Yeah, well, I wanted a really good reason to do Snivellus in," said James. "Harming one of my best friends!"

"We already have a really good reason," growled Sirius. "He _stole_ Moony's class and _ruined_ it!"

"I really hope everyone has been a bad student and didn't do their homework," said Remus. "Please, for once, be bad, and don't hand in a thoroughly researched essay about how to recognize and- and k-kill werewolves…"

_-he smiled at the class as they took their seats, and they burst at once into an explosion of complaints about Snape's behavior while Lupin had been ill._

"Yeah!" cried Sirius approvingly.

"Let's hear 'em!" said James.

"Gladly," Remus smiled.

"_It's not fair, he was only filling in, why should he give us homework?"_

"'Cause he's a greasy power-manipulating jerk who thinks that's the only way he can command respect of a class," said Sirius.

"'Cause he just wants to ruin Harry's life even further!" said James.

"'Cause Snape is a mean one. Stink. Stank. Stunk," said Peter.

James and Sirius stared at him.

"Muggle thing," answered Peter.

Remus, meanwhile, was exasperated at their answers. "Because he wants the class to realize that I'm a werewolf so that they can all rally against me and stab me to my saddened death with silver pitchforks, or kick me and send me out on the streets, or to the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, or just extinguish me for good! Obviously!"

The three friends were looking quite uncomfortable now.

"We didn't say we disagree with your answer," said Peter. "We were just giving some happy-"

"-and wonderful," added Sirius.

"-and Snivellus-bashing," continued James.

"-alternatives," finished Peter.

"Wait a minute," said James. "What's so happy and wonderful about Harry's life being ruined?"

"No, we meant the _other_ happy," said Sirius. Scooting closer to James, he muttered toward his ear with his teeth clenched, "You know, the one where Moony doesn't suffer from violent ideas about people stabbing him with silver pitchforks?"

"Oh," said James, making a fake toothy smile at the room. "Yes. That happy. Ha ha."

"Tee hee hee," added Sirius.

Remus frowned at them.

"_We don't know anything about werewolves-"_

"Good," said Remus. "He should've kept it that way."

"_-two rolls of parchment!"_

"New idea!" declared Sirius. "Let's all write two rolls of parchment about why Snivellus Snape is the world's biggest greasy git! And for extra credit, include your top ten ways on how to kill him!"

"I'll write that essay!" said James excitedly. "Except it might be more than two rolls… And I'll have more than ten ways…"

"That's fine," said Sirius. "The more, the better!"

"I'll even do one too," said Peter.

"I know that essay would certainly be an easy one," said James.

"_Did you tell Professor Snape we haven't covered them yet?" Lupin asked, frowning slightly._

"And will not ever," added Remus.

_The babble broke out again._

"Yes, but he said we were really behind-" 

"_-he wouldn't listen-"_

"I guess his ears must've gotten clogged by all that grease," James said. "Not much of a surprise."

"_-two rolls of parchment!"_

_Professor Lupin smiled at the look of indignation on every face._

"_Don't worry. I'll speak to Professor Snape. You don't have to do the essay."_

"Go Moony!" cried Peter.

"Yes!" said Sirius, grinning. "Skiving off homework."

"If you haven't noticed, it sounds like no one did the essay and I clearly don't want them to," said Remus.

"Unless it was about why Snivellus is the world's biggest greasy git," said James.

Remus smiled slightly toward the ceiling. "Well, yes, at the moment I'm feeling particularly inclined toward an essay on that subject."

James high-fived Sirius. "It's all catching on."

"_Oh no," said Hermione, looking very disappointed. "I've already finished it!"_

Remus gave a sigh. "Mark my words. Hermione's going to figure it out. I'm telling you. I'm just hoping she won't be the sort who organizes rallies against me and will… will make up a silly little club against me with badges and a stupid title like- like… S.P.E.W."

"S.P.E.W.?" repeated Peter.

"Yes," said Remus stiffly. "For Society Proficiently Eliminating Werewolves."

"Oh, Moony, come on!" Sirius said, giving his friend a little shove. "Hermione's not going to go around making clubs and badges. Especially not one like that. Why would she bother?"

"Well, why wouldn't she? She seems to want to be taught by a capable professor, right? Obviously, someone afflicted with my condition should be out of the running."

"Who's the idiot now?" said Sirius. "You've seen your lesson! You said it yourself! You're a good professor! And now you're just having stupid paranoia attacks!"

"I am _not_ having paranoia attacks!" cried Remus. "You're the one whose been having them, if you ask me! Getting all worked up about your future!"

"I AM NOT PARANOID!" screamed Sirius. Catching James's alarmed look, he said more quietly, "I am not paranoid. See? I've totally accepted my future. Now you're just consistently having anxiety about not being a good teacher and getting killed and being stabbed by pitchforks-"

"-of chocolate!" said Peter suddenly.

Both Remus and Sirius's heads snapped over at Peter. "What?"

"Pitchforks… made of chocolate?" said Peter, who was sounding as if he was questioning his own phrase. "So, uh… they don't hurt. And it tastes good. And, um…"

James clapped his hand to his forehead.

"Right…" said Sirius.

"I'd, er, rather not have any pitchforks to begin with, thanks," said Remus.

"Oh. Yeah. I, uh, I'll just be over here…" said Peter.

"Anyway," continued Remus. "I'm not being paranoid! I'm just making logical assumptions. Hermione is smart. Hermione would thoroughly do her essay. Therefore, Hermione would figure out what I am. And then, Hermione would tell people and rightly get me kicked out."

"You dimwit," said Sirius. "I'm telling you, she's not going to do something like that. You've been concentrating so hard on reading that you haven't been paying attention to the characters."

"I have so! I've been giving them the necessary vocal expression!"

"But you're not paying attention to their motives!"

"Have so!"

"Have not!"

"Have so!"

"Have not! Prongs, what do you think?"

James put his hands up as if pushing them away. "Hey, hey. Don't drag me into this. You finish your little canine fight on your own."

Sirius crossed his arms. "It is not a canine fight."

"Fine," said Remus. "I'll finish it. By reading on and proving that Hermione will figure it out!"

_They had a very enjoyable lesson. Professor Lupin had brought along a glass box containing a hinkypunk, a little one-legged creature who looked as though he were made of wisps of smoke, rather frail and harmless-looking._

"You liar," said Peter. "Hinkypunks can be lethal!"

"Yes, to everyone obsessed with shiny lights," said Sirius. "Guess that's just you."

"It's not my fault that you started whispering to me just as Professor Giles was going over that!" said Peter. "If you'd have just left me alone, I wouldn't have gotten a 'below average' on our hinkypunk defense quiz."

"You want me to leave you alone? Easy. I can do that. I ban you to the corner of the room."

"You can't ban me anywhere!"

"Yes I can! This is- er- well, it's just as good as my house!"

"It is not you house!" said Peter. "It's Prongs's. So you can't ban me anywhere."

"Then I just won't give you the privilege of talking to me."

"_Lures travelers into bogs," said Professor Lupin as they took notes. "You notice the lantern dangling from his hand? Hops ahead- people follow the light- then-"_

_The hinkypunk made a horrible squelching noise against the glass._

Sirius imitated the same noise.

"Stop it!" said Peter. "You're making me relive horrible memories!"

_When the bell rang, everyone gathered up their things and headed for the door, Harry among them, but-_

"The door had mysteriously vanished!" supplied James. He slapped his hands onto his face with fake horror for effect.

Remus stared at him. "Erm, no."

"_Wait a moment, Harry," Lupin called. "I'd like a word."_

"Oh, I know!" said James, completely forgetting about the fake horror thing. "You're going to give him the map, right? Aren't you? And maybe a Firebolt just because he needs one so much?"

"Yes, James, I'm going to magically produce a Firebolt from under my desk," said Remus sarcastically.

James scoffed. "I don't like you early in the morning. And maybe that's why I choose to sleep a lot later."

"Well, maybe this is why you don't choose to wake me up at half past six in the morning during certain times of the month," answered Remus.

_Harry doubled back and watched Professor Lupin covering the hinkypunk's box with a cloth._

"_I heard about the match," said Lupin-_

"What do you mean you _heard_ about the match?" repeated James. "Why didn't you see it? Weren't you there?"

"It, er, appears as if I wasn't…"

"Oh. How nice. Not going to support your friend's son in his first Quidditch match of the year!"

"Believe me James, I'd have gladly supported Harry if I'd been able to go. Which it appears I wasn't. Sorry. But give me credit, I _do_ come to the Quidditch games."

"Once we convinced you that they are really fun," grinned Peter.

_-turning back to his desk and starting to pile books into his briefcase-_

"Why are you carrying a bunch of books in your briefcase?" asked Sirius.

Remus blinked. "What kind of question is that? It's a briefcase. You carry things important to your job. I'm carrying books. What's the problem?"

"I'd just thought that you'd gotten over all those books. Or that you'd leave them in your class. Why carry them around with you? I see you're still a bit of a swot."

"I am not a swot," said Remus. "I'm being responsible."

"You never let the books out of your sight, though!" continued Sirius. "You read and study more than you've ever done anything else in your life! Look! Proof!" He pointed at the book.

"Um, Padfoot? The reason I'm reading this is because you all asked me to and it's quite fascinating."

"Good point," said Sirius, shaking his head. He narrowed his eyes. "But I'll get you. I'll catch you one of these days. Wait. What am I talking about? All I have to do is go over to your house unexpectedly in a few days."

"Well, in that case, I'll expect that you're coming and won't be reading anything."

"Not if your expectations are things I don't expect and you suspect I might expect your expectations!"

"What?" asked Peter. "That made my brain hurt quite a lot."

"Yeah, can we stop now?" said James. "We're kind of in the middle of a crucial subject right now."

"Wait, what's that?" said Peter. "All that's going on is that Professor Moony was talking to Harry about Quidditch."

"Exactly!" said James. "It's crucial!" Peter rolled his eyes at him.

_-"and I'm sorry about your broomstick. Is there any chance of fixing it?"_

James gave a long dejected sigh, the kind that often came from James after his frustration at being rejected by Lily Evans. "I've never exactly figured that one out! Why can Madam Pomfrey fix up anyone and just about anything, but she can't fix up Harry's broom? I mean, look at the woman! She heals Moony every month after he's gotten black and blue, and bloody, and gashed, and torn, and broken bones, and-"

"Really, Prongs, you can stop with that now," said Remus.

"But she can't fix Harry's broom!" said James again. "It's not right! Probably has to do with one of those dumb 'scientifics of magic' principles, which is ridiculous, because no one cares about them anyway. Not unless they say that Harry can have his Nimbus 2000 back right _now_!" He crossed his arms for effect. "And that's another thing! Why can't I just say 'I want it now!' and have Harry's broom just come right back to him?"

"Well, the book is already written, so you never do know. Though the Scientifics of Magics would probably tell you that saying 'I want it now' isn't going to get Harry his Nimbus back," Remus told him.

"But on the other hand, if Veruca Salt was a male, you'd be doing a really good impression of her," added Peter.

"True," said Remus to Peter, leaning his hand on his chin. "Though so far, I've envisioned Dudley more like Veruca."

"But Dudley has to be Augustus Gloop!" Peter said. "Both of them keep eating."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at Peter. "In that case, _you_ could be Augustus Gloop."

Peter ignored this, but not without a whiny face. "So," he continued with Remus. "I guess… maybe Dudley could be a sort of combination of the too. Augustus Salt. Veruca Gloop. Verustus Sloop."

James and Sirius snorted.

"But then again…" said Remus. "Dudley sounds like he just wants to sit around and play video games. Which would make him be like Mike Teavee as well."

"And then he will be Verustusike Glooveealt!" said Peter.

James and Sirius gave even louder snorts.

"Right…" said Remus. "And that leaves Aunt Marge to be Violet Beauregard. Or Uncle Vernon is, if you all- ahem, Sirius- insist. Which leaves us with the only truly good kid, Charlie."

"Who would be Harry!" declared James, jumping into the game.

"Yeah!" said Peter.

Sirius clapped his hands together with false enthusiasm. "Great! Now we've all learned our Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory characters, related them to the story, and created stupid names like Verustusike Glooveealt! Can we get back to the story so we can hear some actual names that sound good? Such as Sirius Black? Actually, never mind, I don't want to hear _that_ particular name…"

"You just wait," said Peter. "You're going to like that movie-"

"Or book," added Remus. "But of course, nobody seems to believe in reading books anymore…"

"You will like it," continued Peter. "And then you'll regret missing out on our Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory discussion!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius. "Let's read."

"This _is_ a weird day," said Peter in disbelief. "Padfoot just said 'let's read'!"

"Funny how strange things can get just from a book," Remus remarked.

"Yeah, that's why I stay away from them," said Sirius.

"_No," said Harry. "The tree smashed it to bits."_

James gave another suffering sigh.

"Well, I've told you I'm sorry. I can't help what it hits," said Remus.

"Tell it to hit Snivellus sometime. Then I'll be happy."

"Interesting idea," said Sirius, running his hand through his hair.

_Lupin sighed._

"See!" said James triumphantly. "You're sad about Harry's broom too!"

"No- well, yes, I bet I am," Remus said. "But I'm also said about my tree, except I can't tell Harry it's my tree, because then he would suspect something, and then, as I expect anyway, the whole school would slowly but surely figure out what I am!"

"I'm not going to comment on those results again," said Sirius.

"_They planted the Whomping Willow the same year that I arrived at Hogwarts."_

"Ah, the good old days," said James. "I remember those."

"So do I," said Peter. "Everyone said, 'Hey, look at that new willow tree!' and I said 'What new willow tree?'"

"And what did they say?" asked Sirius.

Peter frowned. "Well, then they called me a 'stupid first year' and a few other things, but that wasn't my fault! How was I supposed to know it hadn't been there before?"

"You might've been listening to Dumbledore's welcome speech, which included a warning about the new and violent Whomping Willow tree," suggested Remus.

"But there were chicken legs!" said Peter. "How was I supposed to listen to every single thing that Dumbledore was saying when I was thinking about the chicken legs I just ate?"

Sirius gave a cough that sounded a lot like, "Augustus Gloop."

"_People used to play a game, trying to get near enough to touch the trunk."_

"I remember that game!" cried Sirius. "I was, of course, the reigning champ."

"No, _I_ was," said James.

"Actually, I don't think it was either one of you," said Peter. "I thought it was some seventh year…"

"Shut up, Wormtail!" barked James and Sirius in unison.

"That was a stupid game," said Remus. "I wonder whoever came up with it?"

"I don't know," said James. "But you can't deny that it wasn't fun."

"Yes, I can. I was the one who told you all to stop playing it," Remus said with authority.

"Yeah… S'pose we really should have listened to you, then," said Sirius.

"I suppose you should have, then," said Remus evenly.

"_In the end, a boy called Davey Gudgeon nearly lost an eye-"_

"I remember that!" cried Sirius again.

"That definitely had to be a highlight of the first year," said James.

"It was," agreed Peter. "That went around the school for weeks."

Remus winced. "I still feel very guilty about that."

"Well, it's like you said earlier. You can't control your tree," said James in a satisfied way. "Again, though, I still wish it was Snivellus who lost an eye."

"Again, interesting idea," said Sirius, rubbing his chin.

"And again, will you lot stop plotting violent revenges on him?" asked Remus.

"Oh, come on, Moony," said James. "It's not as if we've killed him. Er, yet."

"Exactly," said Remus.

"What, Remus? Are you being _concerned_ for Snivelly's well-being?" Sirius asked, laughing in ridicule as he said it. "Do you _care_ for his _feelings?_" He laughed some more before asking very seriously, "You don't, right?"

"I've told you. I neither like him nor hate him. Well, I mean, that was before I found out that he's going to blatantly tell my classroom that I'm a ravenous werewolf who needs to be recognized and killed!" Remus answered, voice steadily rising. "But, if I hadn't just found that out, then I'd say that he hadn't really done anything to you, and I don't see why you keep insisting on torturing him."

"However, now you've just found out that Snape is going to blatantly tell your classroom that- um- _stuff_," said Peter.

"So really, you can't tell us off anymore," said Sirius gleefully. "See, Remy? How do you feel about that?

"I am incapable of answering," said Remus.

"There you go."

"_-and we were forbidden to go near it."_

Sirius gave a chuckle. "Yeah, like that ever stopped people who really wanted to."

"Or us," Peter added with a grin.

"_No broomstick would have a chance."_

James gave an emotional sniff.

"_Did you hear about the dementors too?" said Harry with difficulty._

_Lupin looked at him quickly._

"_Yes, I did. I don't think any of us have ever seen Professor Dumbledore that angry."_

"Well," began James. "There was that one time when we wrote 'Slytherins Suck' on the dungeon walls-"

"That was Slughorn who got mad," answered Sirius.

"Oh," said James. "Well, there was that other time that we glued Mrs. Norris to the ceiling-"

"That was Filch and McGonagall."

"Oh. There was that time we wrote 'Minerva 'hearts' Albus' all over the bathrooms-"

"That was McGonagall."

"And then there was that other time when we kept throwing miniature dungbombs behind Snivelly so people would think he had really bad gas-"

"That was McGonagall again."

"Oh. What about the time when we swapped Snivelly's soup with shampoo? And put cockroaches in Malfoy's soup?"

"I don't remember that!" said Remus.

"I don't think you were there," said Peter. "You were mysteriously absent again."

"I see," said Remus.

"Anyway, not to worry," said Sirius. "It was McGonagall who yelled at us."

"Yeah, you're right," said James, remembering. "It usually is McGonagall who reprimands us, isn't it? Blah, blah, blah. You've been very bad. Five hundred points from Gryffindor."

"You'll notice how Dumbledore hardly gets mad at anything, then," said Remus. "He really is a good headmaster."

"Yeah. He hasn't kicked us out yet," said Peter, smirking.

"_They have been growing restless for some time… furious at his refusal to let them inside the grounds… I suppose they were the reason you fell?"_

"_Yes," said Harry. He hesitated, and then the question he had to ask burst from him before he could stop himself. "Why? Why do they affect me like that? Am I just-"_

"_It has nothing to do with weakness," said Professor Lupin sharply, as though he had read Harry's mind._

"Harry! Don't think that you're weak!" said James. "Potter's are strong! And you're strong! Just like me!"

"Wow," said Peter in awe. "Do you think you really read Harry's mind, Moony?"

"No," said Remus. "I don't have anything to do with the supernatural."

"Well, actually, if you'd like to be technical about it as you so usually do, Muggles like to watch all sort of horror stories involving werewolves and-"

"Shut it, Sirius. As I was saying, I haven't got any qualities that would make me like a Seer, so I think we might as well leave it at that I'm able to pick up on people's feelings."

"Well, if you're going to put a damper on everything!" said Peter crossly. "It was just an idea."

"If you can pick up people's feelings, then why aren't you picking up mine?" mumbled Sirius quietly.

"What?" asked Remus. "Stop mumbling. It's so horrible when you do that."

"I mumble, Moony," said Sirius in a louder voice. "Have you got a problem with that? Hmm?"

"Yes," said Remus. "I can't understand what you're saying."

James grinned. "No one ever understands what we're saying, except each other, and that's the beauty of it. Although, really, Padfoot, I have no idea what you just said," he added.

"Never mind. Keep reading," Sirius said.

"_The dementors affect you worse than others because there are horrors in your past that others don't have."_

"I'll say," James said in a knowing voice. "Falling off his broom. Losing his broom. Not having a Firebolt. Not being able to go to Hogsmeade. Having Snivellus for a teacher-"

"Actually, other students have that horror too," said Remus.

"Amen," said Sirius. "I'd like to say the exact same thing as Moony, except leave out that second syllable in 'horror'."

"Sirius!"

"Having to put up with Draco Malfoy," continued James. "But worst of all, HAVING BOTH OF HIS PARENTS MURDERED AND DEAD! That's not right!"

The other three boys gave uncomfortable shifts in their seats.

"You're exactly right. It's not fair," said Remus. "But I'm sure that Harry at least had a happy first year with you."

"Even though at the moment it sounds really bizarre, you and Lily probably do make good parents together," said Peter.

"That first half of your sentence was an insult," James commented. "I'm going to ignore that.

"Right. Yeah. Ignore it."

_A ray of wintery sunlight fell across the classroom, illuminating Lupin's gray hairs and the lines on his young face._

"Oh, wonderful," said Remus tonelessly. "I'm going to get older and look prematurely old. Stupid lycanthropy, and whatever else the cause may be."

"Well, Moony, apparently _I'm_ going to grow up and look _ugly_," Sirius said in a disgruntled way. "It's a shame how the handsome must look so gruesome!"

"You have an excuse, you know. Spending years in Azkaban isn't exactly going to make you look like the best looking male in the world," said Remus.

"Well, thank _you_ for reminding me of that sad fact," Sirius said, looking quite put out.

"Come on," said Peter. "How many convicts actually look good?"

"Why you—" Sirius began in a strangled voice before Remus grabbed his shoulder and gave him a look. "I mean— well— I bet you won't look any better, anyway! Mind you, it was still a big shock when that blonde girl gave you a valentine in third year."

"Surprised you, didn't I?" said Peter.

James, meanwhile, was still laughing over the future appearances of his friends.

"Oh, shut up, James," Sirius said. "I bet you'll get a receding hairline or something."

This immediately kept James quiet.

"_Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth."_

"No, actually, that would be the majority of my family," Sirius remarked.

"_They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them."_

"Exactly," said Peter. "I'm feeling depressed already just by hearing this!"

"_Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can't see them. Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. And the worst that happened to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. You have nothing to feel ashamed of."_

"Aww, let's hear it for the wise and well-spoken words of Professor Moony," said James, pretending to wipe a tear.

Peter gave a shiver. "I hate thinking about dementors. They creep me out."

"Excuse me," said Sirius loudly, "but I don't believe that the dementors are tailing after _you_. Those nasty soul sucking things are looking for _me_ because— because— because I'm a bad, _bad_ dog! I should be forced to stay on a leash and kept in the doghouse."

"Well," said Peter. "They didn't say that the future you _is_ a dog, so really…"

"Just be quiet. Now."

"_When they get near me-" Harry stared at Lupin's desk, his throat tight. "I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum."_

There was a quiet nod from all four boys.

"I wonder what Lily would think if she knew that," said Peter.

"James's poor, poor Lily flower…" Sirius said.

James sniffed. "She walks in beauty… and now she's walking in beauty toward her death."

"Oh, James," said Remus quietly. "But she was defending Harry. She was trying to shield him from death. We heard. You needn't say she died in vain."

"She died. She _died_," James repeated. "How can I— after all those times I've talked with her, annoyed her, uselessly flirted with her… And now, the first time I get back to Hogwarts and look at her beautiful face, you know what I'll be thinking? I'll be thinking, 'Hello, my Lily flower. You're going to die. You and I, we're going to die.'"

"Don't say _that_ to her!" said Peter quickly.

"Of course I'm not, I said that's what I'll be thinking!" said James. "Besides. I hear that lilies stand for death. I should have known."

"Just because her name means death doesn't mean-" Remus started, but James cut him off.

"Okay, Remus. You're a werewolf. Your first and last name mean wolfish things. Sirius, you can turn into a dog. Your name is the name of the Dog Star. And even the name Malfoy sounds like malicious, which is exactly what that little creep and his father are. Oh. And no offense, Peter, but you're short. And part of your name is 'petti'. Like small. Of course, the second part of your last name is 'grew' and… well, unless you do it soon, I really don't see you growing, but you know… Names are really starting to freak me out now. I think when I get home I'll research exactly what 'Harry' and 'Potter' means."

"So Prongs is actually going to research something," said Sirius after a few seconds, trying to keep the conversation nice and light.

_Lupin made a sudden motion with his arm as though to grip Harry's shoulder, but thought better of it._

"Why?" said James. "I think after thinking about his beautiful mother, Harry could do with a hug. Or a Marauder's Map. Or a Firebolt. Or even some chocolate, Moony!"

"Well… I don't know, maybe it would be a little awkward," Remus said. "Harry and I don't seem to know each other particularly well… I'm not sure if he even knows that I know you."

"That may be exactly what he needs," James said somberly. "To know that Lily and I weren't forgotten."

Remus attempted a little smile at James and kept reading.

_There was a moment's silence, then-_

"Moony sat down and told long stories about James and Lily," said Sirius. "And us. And all about the Marauders. And me, before I became a lunatic. That would be nice."

"_Why did they have to come to the match?" said Harry bitterly._

"Because they're evil," James said.

"Literally," Peter added.

"_They're getting hungry," said Lupin coolly, shutting his briefcase with a snap. "Dumbledore won't let them into the school, so their supply of human prey has dried up…"_

"Serves them right," Sirius said. "Go be vegetarians. Suck up some grass or something. Don't be cannibals. Or— or— whatever the specific word for 'eaters of souls' might be."

"_I don't think they could resist the large crowd around the Quidditch field. All that excitement… emotions running high… it was their idea of a feast."_

"_Azkaban must be terrible," Harry muttered. Lupin nodded grimly._

"_The fortress is set on a tiny island, way out to sea, but they don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're all trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most of them go mad within weeks."_

"You're really knowledgeable about dementors and Azkaban," stated Peter. "I guess you were doing a lot of researching, then."

"You're making me feel so awful right now, realizing that this is where my path will lead me!" cried Sirius.

"Oh no," said Remus, coming to a sudden conclusion. "What if— what if the reason I know so much about dementors and Azkaban is not because of research, but because I did something horrible and then they gave me a sentence in Azkaban!"

"Well, at least you got out," said Peter cheerfully.  
"Oh, Remus," said Sirius. "What would _you_ do that would get you in Azkaban?"

Remus shook his head. "It's not a matter of what _I_ would do. It's a matter of what _it_ would do."

"But— but— but ," Sirius stuttered. "If it's not your fault, then how could they just sentence you off like that?"

"It _would _be my fault!" Remus contradicted. "Because even if it's not really me who did something like eat someone or kill someone or tear down homes, you could look at it in a different way and say that it really _is_ me. I mean… Have you ever though, right, that maybe my human form really isn't my true self, and the fact is that my true self is a wolf and being a human is just a disguise?"

There was another one of those uncomfortable silences in the room.

"Remy," Sirius said. "You have too much time on your hands. We need to distract you."

"I'm getting distracted enough just with that."

"_But Sirius Black escaped from them," Harry said slowly. "He got away…"_

"Yeah. I did," said Sirius tonelessly, still looking unsure of whether that was a good or a bad thing.

_Lupin's briefcase slipped from the desk; he had to stoop quickly to catch it._

"_Yes," he said, straightening up, "Black must have found a way to fight them."_

"Black?" repeated Sirius. "You're calling me 'Black'? You can't even say my name, Remus! You're treating me as some common criminal who never used to be your friend."

Remus averted his eyes. He didn't want to tell Sirius that that was probably exactly what he was thinking in the future.

"_I wouldn't have believed it possible… Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them too long…"_

"Maybe I'm just really powerful?" suggested Sirius.

"_You made that dementor on the train back off," said Harry suddenly._

"_There are— certain defenses one can use," said Lupin._

"The Patronus Charm!" said Peter excitedly. "Wish I could do one of those…"

"_But there was only one dementor on the train. The more there are, the more difficult it becomes to resist."_

"_What defenses?" said Harry at once. "Can you teach me?"_

"Yes! Teach him!" James said immediately. "Imagine it, my thirteen year old son being able to produce a Patronus Charm in his third year! No one can do that!"

"But— I don't think it wise to bring Harry's hopes up," said Remus. "It's like you said. No one can make a Patronus in their third year. He may not be capable-"

"Moony, you have no choice," James said. "Really, you don't. It's your future self deciding."

"_I don't pretend to be an expert at fighting dementors, Harry… quite the contrary…"_

"Go on, Remy!" said Sirius, egging him on. "Help Harry defend himself against those nasty non-vegetarian things!"

"Oh, come now, I can't even produce a Patronus yet at this age and— and why have you been calling me 'Remy'?" he asked.

"Dunno," said Sirius. "I decided to resurrect it from second year. It's very you, in a way."

"Erm… thank you? But 'Remus' is just fine, you know…"

"_But if the dementors come to another Quidditch match, I need to be able to fight them—"_

"Teach him, already!" cried James. "Harry needs to fight them!"

_Lupin looked into Harry's determined face, hesitated, then said, "Well… all right."_

"Yes!" cheered James, whooping his fist in the air. "Harry will show those dementors who's boss, now! He's got Professor Moony helping him!"

"But Prongs, I really can't promise you any kind of result—"

"You're helping," said James. "And that's what counts."

"_I'll try and help. But it'll have to wait until next term, I'm afraid. I have a lot to do before the holidays. I chose a very inconvenient time to fall ill."_

"Look," said Remus. "I'm saying that _I_ chose that time. Like I am the wolf truly."

"Remy, stop overanalyzing," said Sirius.

_What with the promise of anti-dementor lessons from Lupin, the thought that he might never have to hear his mother's death again—_

James made a little sob sound.

—_and the fact that Ravenclaw flattened Hufflepuff in their Quidditch match at the end of November—_

James's sob quickly turned into a loud cheer. "Yes! Now Gryffindor has a chance of winning again!"

—_Harry's mood took a definite upturn. Gryffindor were not out of the running after all, although they could not afford to lose another match. Wood became repossessed of his manic energy, and worked his team as hard as ever in the chilly haze of rain that persisted into December. Harry saw no hint of a dementor within the grounds._

"Bet they went to go buy some veggie burgers," said Sirius.

"Dementors are not vegetarians!" Peter said finally.

"But if they change their ways for good, they could be."

_Dumbledore's anger seemed to be keeping them stationed at the entrances._

"Or, of course, it could just be mighty headmaster Dumbledore," Sirius added.

_Two weeks before the end of the term, the sky lightened suddenly to a dazzling, opaline white and the muddy grounds were revealed one morning covered in glittering frost._

"Yay, snow!" cried Peter. "Oh, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

"Obviously, it just did," said Sirius.

_Inside the castle, there was a buzz of Christmas in the air._

"Christmas doesn't buzz!" said Peter.

"Well of course not, it's figurative language," Remus said.

"No, I mean, people don't 'buzz' about Christmas. They ring bells and things!"

"Beside that, they put up evil clumps of mistletoe that have never yet done anything good for me," James sighed.

"All that mistletoe and yet you've still never gotten Evans under one of them," Sirius said.

"I know," James said miserably. "Maybe this year. It better be. I can't stand it if she ends up having to kiss some random Hufflepuff again. Who needs Hufflepuffs? They're such losers!"

"Better than her having to kiss a Slytherin, though," said Peter. "I bet you'd completely lose it if Lily had to kiss Snape."

James made a humongous gasp. "Oh, ew! Disgusting! Don't make me think about that! For all I know, it may have even happened and I completely missed it! Thanks a lot! Now you've made my morning really miserable!"

"Um… at least now you'd be prepared," suggested Peter meekly.

_Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, had already decorated his classroom with shimmering lights that turned out to be real, fluttering fairies._

"He does that every year," Sirius said, looking a little unimpressed. "He needs to come up with some new ideas."

Remus hesitated. "Well, I rather like it. I think it's very nice looking, and very appropriate for both the classroom and the holiday."

_The students were all happily discussing their plan for the holidays. Both Ron and Hermione had decided to remain at Hogwarts, and though Ron said it was because he couldn't stand two weeks with Percy, and Hermione insisted she needed to use the library, Harry wasn't fooled; they were doing it to keep him company, and he was grateful._

As was James. "Such nice friends my son has! It's good for them not to abandon him. Otherwise he'd have no parents, no Hogsmeade trips, no broomstick, no Firebolt, and no friends!"

"Quite sad," Sirius said. "But I think Ron really did mean it when he said he wouldn't be able to stand time with Percy. I certainly wouldn't."

_To everyone's delight except Harry's, there was to be another Hogsmeade trip on the very last weekend of the term._

"Oh, great!" James said angrily. "Just after Harry realizes the fact that he has no broom and no Firebolt, and has just been reinforced of the fact that he has no parents, now he has to be reminded that he has no permission to go to Hogsmeade!"

"Just get over there and tell him to sneak out!" cried Sirius.

"Padfoot, don't encourage that!" said Remus.

Sirius raised his eyebrows with a smirk. "But Harry can't hear us, remember?"

Remus's face subdued. "Oh, yes, you're— If he can't hear us then why do you keep talking to the book?"

"Because… because it's fun?"

"Anyway," sighed James. "Harry can't even sneak out, because I get the feeling that he doesn't know any secret passageways, and anyway, the only way we know how to sneak into Hogsmeade is to slip out of the Shrieking Shack and over there."

"I find Hogsmeade much more alluring in the night, anyway," Sirius said. "Just a pack of Marauders and a dark village street lighted by the silver orb of evil from above."

"Oh, you're so poetic, Sirius," said Remus sarcastically.

Sirius pretended to be offended. "Hey, I'm working at it! One of these days I'll be ever better than those other poets you read."

Remus rolled his eyes, "No, you won't."

"Really, I don't think you will," cut in Peter. "I read all those valentines you made last year. Those were horrible."

"_You_ weren't the intended audience, so of course you would think that!" came Sirius's sharp reply. "It's not going to sound any good if I don't mean it to go to you."

"Well, if I were a girl, I would think they were complete rubbish!" said Peter.

"Then either way, it's good you're not a girl," said Sirius.

"_We can do all our Christmas shopping there!" said Hermione._

"What do you mean, 'we'?" asked James. "Harry obviously can't, even though he has plenty of money!"

"Well, maybe she meant everyone except Harry," said Peter. "It didn't say who she was talking to."

"Everyone except Harry?" repeated a thunderstruck James. "That's not nice! Now you're disincluding him!"

"_Mum and Dad would really love those Toothflossing Stringmints from Honeydukes!"_

_Resigned to the fact that he would be the only third year staying behind again, Harry borrowed a copy of Which Broomstick from Wood, and decided to spend the day reading up on the different makes._

"Yeah! Good idea, Harry! That always cheers me up!" said James.

_He had been riding one of school brooms at team practice, an ancient Shooting Star, which was very slow and jerky; he definitely needed a new broom of his own._

"Ancient?" said Peter. "What's wrong with it? It only came out about twenty years ago."

James rolled his eyes. "And in broomsticks, that's ancient. No one likes those anymore. Not when there are Nimbus 1000s! And Firebolts!"

"It's not long before Shooting Stars go out of business. They'll pull those old things out of the market." Sirius made face before adding, "My family's been having bets on it for the last few years."

_On the Saturday morning of the Hogsmeade trip, Harry big good-bye to Ron and Hermione, who were wrapped in cloaks and scarves, then turned up the marble staircase alone, and headed back toward Gryffindor Tower. Snow had started to fall outside the windows, and the castle was very still and quiet._

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "For once."

"_Psst— Harry!"_

"Well, except for that mysterious voice."

"I hope it's a mysterious bringer of Firebolts because Harry really does need a new broomstick!"

_He turned, halfway along the third-floor corridor, to see Fred and George peering out at him from behind a statue of a hump-backed, one-eyed witch._

"Now what would two funny twins like themselves be doing inside on the day of a Hogsmeade trip?" asked Sirius suspiciously.

"Keeping Harry company, I hope. Maybe they will pass along their funny ways. Or give him a Firebolt," said James.

"Will you _please_ stop it with this Firebolt nonsense?" said Remus exasperatedly. "Harry is not going to get a Firebolt. So please stop having this delusion! Repeat after me, Mr. Prongs: Harry Potter is not getting a Firebolt."

"Harry Potter _is_ getting a Firebolt," James contradicted.

"Oh, I give up!"

"_What are you doing?" said Harry curiously. "How come you're not going to Hogsmeade?"_

"_We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go," said Fred, with a mysterious wink. "Come in here…"_

"Festive cheer, eh?" said Sirius. "Wonder what kind?"

"Definitely not your kind," said Peter. "You abuse the privilege of mistletoe."

"It's not a privilege, Wormtail, it's a right."

_He nodded toward an empty classroom to the left of the one-eyed statue._

"Come on, it sounds so much like something else!" said Sirius.

"Great! Now you're saying that my son is going to end up with the Weasley twins!" said James sarcastically. "I've told you! Harry's only suitable girlfriend candidate is Hermione!"

"But how often do students wink at each other and then sneak into empty classrooms?"

"Actually, if they were actually being normal students, then I would say not often," said Remus.

"Well… well, then, you're _ab_normal, Moony, because everyone else is."

"I already know that I am abnormal, thank you," said Remus. "But if everyone for once would just sit down and study instead of running about whining about their love lives and snogging people in broom cupboards, then-"

"-Then the world would be one boring place," Sirius finished for him. "I hate to say it, but it's true. Sometimes you're not only a fun-sucker, but you're a _boring_ fun-sucker."

"I am not!" retorted Remus.

"You are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"D2!" yelled Peter.

Sirius was absolutely confused. "D to what?" he asked, while Remus shook his head and looked at Peter. "Don't tell us that you're a Star Wars equivalent of a Trekkie."

"No, but I thought it was funny," said Peter. "R2-D2, get it? And it was a good Muggle movie. Even though it was completely wrong."

James was still staring, trying very hard to understand. Sirius said, "Listen, Wormtail. If you want to see some real Star Wars, just come and sit in my house for a while. Hah! Get it? _Star_ Wars? And the majority of my family is named after stars? And we fight all the time! That was a good one. Star Wars. Heh."

"No, it really wasn't," said Remus. "Your house is nothing like the actual Star Wars."

"Yeah, well…" Sirius cast around for something. "Well, I've gotten you to pointlessly battle with me again, Remy. I win."

"So you think."

"I do."

"You do not."

"Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Oh, poo," said Peter. He was stared at again. "What?" he said. "It rhymed."

"Uh… anyway…" said James.

_Harry followed Fred and George inside. George closed the door quietly and then turned, beaming, to look at Harry._

Sirius began speaking of his theory yet again. "See, I can tell you from experience that that is exactly what happens. Well, maybe the turning-around-and-beaming part is nonexistent because we start snogging right away, but basically that's the concept."

"I'm going to teach you a new concept," snapped Remus.

"Are you, Moony?" asked Sirius, raising one of his dark eyebrows. "What might that be?"

"Shutting up," Remus answered after a brief pause in being unable to figure the right words.

"Shutting up," repeated Sirius. "Nice words, there."

"No, really. Just be quiet."

"_Early Christmas present for you, Harry," he said._

Sirius gave a tiny cough.

"Now really, Padfoot!" cried Remus. "I am going to get back to Hogwarts and hit you in the side of the head with a book until you learn how to think about studying more than those other things."

"Fine. You do that. But you never specified _what_ I have to study, or even if it's a subject. I could be studying something –or someone— else."

"I think Prongs has been doing very well in a creepy sort of way in studying Lily Evans," said Peter.

"Oh, now isn't that a great subject…" sighed James.

"Exactly. James studies," said Sirius.

"You know what?" said Remus. "I give up again! You all are turning me into such a grumpy quitter this morning, and I shudder to think what would happen if you continually kept me on this path of quitting."

"You might quit being such a fun-sucker, Moony. And then you could have some actual fun!" said Sirius brightly.

"Oh, you're so incredibly witty…"

_Fred pulled something from inside his cloak with a flourish and laid it on one of the desks._

"Darn it," said James. "Guess it can't be the Firebolt since it won't fit in a cloak."

"You're finally catching on," said Peter.

_It was a large, square, very worn piece of parchment with nothing written on it._

"There's something familiar about this…" Peter said, scratching his head.

"Yeah. It sounds like our map in its dormant and innocent stage," Sirius said. And before he could add another word, James exploded with, "This is it! The chapter is called '_The Marauder's Map'_! Our map must be here somewhere! And it must be here! Which means Harry will probably get to see it, or use it, or have it, or whatever!"

"Let's say you're right. Which, judging by the circumstances in which our map has possibly appeared, you probably are," Remus added. "So now the question is: what are the Weasley twins doing with our map?"

"Being good mischief makers, that's what!" said James impatiently. "It sounds as if that if this is the map, it's in good hands. Now hurry up. I want to see my son be happy."

_Harry, suspecting one of Fred and George's jokes, stared at it._

"_What's that supposed to be?"_

Sirius looked offended. "What's that supposed to be? One of the most brilliant things I've ever spent working my time and effort into, thank you."

"Here here," said Peter.

"_This, Harry, is the secret of our success," said George, patting the parchment fondly._

"Oh, I see," said James. "So the reason we've liked you so much is because you've been stealing our ideas! Which, actually, I guess might've been the point when we're done with it. Yes… Have we even thought about what we're going to do with this map once we're done with Hogwarts?"

"How could we think about that when we're not even done with it?" said Remus.

"I was always thinking about burning it, personally. We'd start a fire with it over at Snivelly's house and say, 'Ha! Goodbye Snivelly, courtesy of the Marauders!'," said Sirius.

It was Remus who now looked offended, not to mention completely scandalized. "_Burn_ our map? You were going to just waste all our hard work on burning down Snape's house, which I suspect wouldn't work anyway because he'd figure out that we were burning it down and I wouldn't have participated, but you realize you could have just used any piece of parchment that isn't our map?"

Sirius twisted his fingers. "Well… yes, I was, until you said that."

"I think it's a good idea if we pass the map on," said Peter. "We should leave it somewhere where only a true mischief maker would find it. And maybe someone else will find it for a while, and then Fred and George will have it, and then Harry can have it."

"And then Harry should just keep it for himself as his last living reminder of me," James sniffed. "Well, besides the cloak."

"What about passing the map down?" asked Peter.

"It's my only son!" cried James. "And I'm _dead_! It's going to him and then he can do whatever he wants with it, but I say that he keeps it! After all, it was mine, and now it will be _his!_"

"But the map belongs to all of us. We all should have a say," pointed out Peter.

James rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Fine. Say away. Start, Padfoot."

"I'm a murderer. I'm on the run. Do you really want me with this map, no matter how charming and good for burning down houses it may be?" said Sirius.

"Not if you keep insisting on the second part of that," said Remus. "You are not burning down houses with that."

"What if I use one of your books instead?"

"No!"

"What about one of those blank pieces of paper at the start and end of the books that have nothing on it and nobody knows what they're there for?"

"You mean the end pages?"

"Yes! Those!"

"_No!"_

"Oh, you nasty fun-sucker. Suckers-of-fun suck."

"All right…" James said. "So I think we're clarified that Padfoot doesn't want it. You're turn, Moony."

"What would I need with our beloved parchment that we spent so much _work_ and _effort_ into, if only to keep it from not starting a fire?" said Remus, shooting a glare at Sirius. "I don't need it. I'm not going to be around Hogwarts much except this year I suppose, and I'm not going to have much of a life nor future, so I don't want it."

"Stop being such a pessimist," snapped Sirius.

"At least I can be well-warned, or else happily surprised," Remus said.

"So Moony's just said that he doesn't want it either," James said. "What do you have to say, Wormtail?"

"I just suggest that we keep passing it down," he said. "If no one's going to use it, then the best thing we can do is hand it down so that others can. And besides, Fred and George already have it, so we must have handed it off anyway."

"Good point," said James. "I… I guess it's settled down. We'll pass down the map. Wow. Never thought we'd figure out what to do with it when we're done before we actually started properly using it. Weird."

"Yes, very weird, since it hasn't been a weird day already," Sirius said sarcastically. "Welcome back, Potter."

"_It's a wrench, giving it to you," said Fred, "but we decided that last night, your need's greater than ours."_

"Of course it is!" said James. "No offense, Fred and George. But Harry really needs some good mischief in his life."

"_Anyway, we know it by heart," said George. "We bequeath it to you. We don't really need it anymore."_

"Ah, fine, just pass it on when you don't need it!" scoffed James. "I'm sure Harry will use it for longer than you, and not just pass on one of his last living memories of his father!"

"_And what do I need with a bit of old parchment?" said Harry._

"Oh, he's killing me!" cried James. "Old parchment! Tell him how it works, already!"

"At least it appears that no one really can tell what it is. Though, maybe your son just inherited your big head and is a little on the slow side," Sirius added, teasing his friend.

"Ha," James said. "And for your information, this big head is full of big brain under big, good-looking, hair."

"As is this brain!" Sirius said, pointing at his own head. "But I do think my hair is a lot better than yours."

"But your hair is so… un-broomstick ruffled," James said, not coming up with a precise word.

Sirius caught this too. "Nice word, Prongs."

"Shut up."

"The day you two go without touching, styling, fighting, or talking about your hair is the day Snape's own looks relatively normal," said Remus.

Sirius clutched his heart. "Oh, it's such a tough challenge! But…"

"…If it would work…" continued James.

"…Then we…"

"…Wouldn't want to," James finished. "Where's the fun if you can't keep harassing Snivellus with shampoo?"

"When you keep dumping bottles of oil all over his robes," said Peter eagerly.

"Yeah, that's a good one," Sirius admitted. "Speaking of which, I need to go buy some more. Prongs, we really have to get to Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. We're running out of supplies." James gave him a nod.

"_A bit of old parchment!" said Fred, closing his eyes with a grimace as though Harry had mortally offended him._

"Look, Fred's even insulted about Harry's lack of knowledge of the map as much as we are!" said James.

"_Explain, George."_

"_Well… when we were in our first year, Harry— young, carefree, and innocent—"_

"Since when are mischief makers ever innocent?" Sirius asked.

"Since before they met you," Remus answered. "As well as James, and then got caught up in all of this… mischief."

"I like it," said Peter. "I feel like my life is worth something now."

"Because it finally is," smirked Sirius.

"Hey!"

"But what is a life without mischief if not a… erm… life without mischief?" finished Sirius lamely.

Remus shook his head, but smiled. "You keep working on that poetry thing, Sirius."

"I will," answered Sirius. "Don't crush my dreams just yet."

_Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent._

"As do we," James said.

"—_well, more innocent than we are now— we got into a spot of bother with Filch."_

"And what is a mischief maker if he is not one to be bothered by that filth of annoyance, Filch?" declared Sirius. "How was that, Moony?"

"Oh, erm… That was a bit better," Remus said.

"_We let off a Dungbomb in the corridor and it upset him for some reason—"_

"Yes, I've never understood why…" said James sarcastically.

"_So he hauled us off to his office and started threatening us with the usual—"_

"—_detention—"_

"—_disembowelment—"_

"—_and we couldn't help noticing a drawer in one of his filing cabinets marked Confiscated and Highly Dangerous."_

Sirius waved a hand as if to brush off this silly sentence. "Oh, please, that's what he thinks about everything."

"Especially us," James smirked.

"Even me," said Peter, in a cross between disbelief and delight. "But I guess once you're a troublemaker, you're always a troublemaker."

"Too right," Remus remarked. "No matter how one may try and stop it."

"I couldn't have said all those words better myself," said Sirius. "Well, actually, I could, once I figure out some intellectual sounding poetic form of it, but in the meantime, that'll do."

"_Don't tell me—" said Harry, starting to grin._

"_Well, what would you've done?" said Fred._

"He would have taken it if he was anything like his father," stated James. "He has my cloak. He has my hair. He has my Quidditch talents. So why is he not being a good trouble-making kid?"

"Doesn't that kind of contradict itself?" said Peter.

"No, it doesn't," James said. "Makes perfect sense to me."

"I think that although Harry may look like you and play Quidditch like you, he inherited Lily's personality," said Remus. "Which wouldn't be at all a bad thing."

"Wouldn't be a bad thing, Moony?" said James. "She hates me! Which means, then it would be a bit like Harry hating me! I don't want to be hated! No one hates me! Well, except for Snivelly, but he doesn't count anyway."

"And besides, we all hate him. Let's throw the hate on Snivelly," said Sirius. "And then, we'll throw the map to Harry, and he will be the good trouble-making kid!"

"I still say that doesn't make any sense! If you're troublemaking, then you're not being good! Which is why our map opens with 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good', not 'I solemnly swear that I am up to lots of good'," Peter said.

Sirius stuck out his tongue. " 'Lots of good' doesn't make any sense either."

"_George caused a diversion by dropping another Dungbomb, I whipped the drawer open, and grabbed— this."_

"_It's not as bad as it sounds, you know," said George. "We don't reckon Filch ever found out how to work it. He probably suspected what it was, though, or he wouldn't have confiscated it."_

"Brilliant. Our map has been confiscated," James said tonelessly. "Well, at least Harry has it now! And as long as no one's ruined it…"

"Or they'll have us to answer to. If we were there," Sirius said. "I hope it wasn't _us_ who it gets confiscated from. We work so hard to perfect it! We wouldn't just leave it around in the open!"

"But Filch knows you all too well," said Remus. "If you keep flashing it about then he might think something is up. As it is, I'm pretty sure he's been out to get Wormtail and I for a while now. He's convinced that we're more like bratty kids then we let on."

"Well, we need to have the good boys to even it out," James said.

"Even though deep down, we know you're not all that innocent," Sirius added.

"_And you know how to work it?"_

"_Oh yes," said Fred, smirking. "This little beauty's taught us more than all the teachers in this school."_

"We are _so_ intelligent," James prided.

"Actually, since I've helped make this map, and I'm a teacher as well, then I've both taught Fred and George more than everyone else and yet not at the same time," said Remus. "Now _that_ doesn't make any sense, except in the case where I think it does make a bit."

"_You're winding me up," said Harry, looking at the ragged old bit of parchment._

"_Oh, are we?" said George._

_He took out his wand, touched the parchment lightly, and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."_

"Yes!" yelled Peter. "It _is_ our map! And now, I'm somewhat technically mentioned! Look at that, our map is in the book, we're famous!"

"Not just famous, we must practically be legends," said James. "We deserve to be, for coming up with an idea that brilliant."

Sirius grinned widely. "And one day, everyone will know our name. Well, besides Fred and George, you know. And people will love us. There'll be shirts with our names, or our faces. And there will be people plastering our faces all over their bedrooms, or writing stories and songs about us. There will be people who even wish they could _be_ us, or _know_ us, or make a movie about us. Because we are just that great."

"Personally, I think that all that sounded a lot like your fan club," chimed Remus.

Sirius licked his bottom lip in thought, then said admittedly, "Yeah, it does. Possibly where I got the ideas from. But it'll be tons better than my fan club. Because it'll involve all of us. Together. United by a parchment filled with mischievous deeds and cheeks."

"Oh, that's so nice!" said Peter. "Mischief managed indeed."

Remus smiled, and James said, "Not yet! Harry has not made his own mischief, besides blowing up his aunt! But not with this map yet! Therefore, mischief is _not_ managed!"

"But we've still managed quite a lot anyway," said Sirius.

"Very true," said Remus.

_And at once, thin ink lines began to spread like a spider's web from the point that George's wand had touched. They joined each other, they crisscrossed, they fanned into every corner of the parchment; then words began to blossom across the top, great, curly green words, that proclaimed:_

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs 

_Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers_

_are proud to present_

THE MARAUDER'S MAP 

Sirius wiped an imaginary tear; or perhaps there was a real one in there, Remus couldn't tell. "That was beautiful!" he said.

"Amazing," said Peter. "We haven't done that yet!"

"Obviously, Wormtail, seeing as we're not done with it yet!" James said, giving the boy a brief flick in the head.

"I do like the wording," said Remus. "We'll have to remember that. As well as the design."

"Hey, why is your name first, anyway?" asked Peter.

"Don't whine, Wormtail, you're second," said James. "I'm the last one. Although, I've always heard that the best is for last, so…"

"I'm not sure. Maybe because if I hadn't be a, er, Moony, then you all wouldn't have needed to bother with being Animaguses. I kind of started this," Remus said.

"But we like it anyway," Sirius reassured him. "What could be better than four animals running around during a full moon, and they also have nicknames and a map?"

"Harry getting a Firebolt?" James suggested. He received three dark stares in return. "What? I was only joking that time…"

"Well, you've just kind of ruined our happy Marauder moment," said Peter.

"I'm sure it can last," said Remus.

"It will. Because we're Marauders. Forever," confirmed James.

Without warning, Sirius suddenly cried out, "Marauder pile!" and flung himself on top of Remus, who was the most unsuspecting of this and yelled out, "Oof!" James quickly joined in and threw himself over both of them, and Peter followed.

"Oh, you lot are heavy!" moaned Remus from the bottom. He felt himself starting to lose the feeling in his body.

"But look at it this way. That heaviness is all muscle," James said.

"Unless you're Peter," Sirius added.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Then you know I was joking."

"Or was he?" James added in a mock mysterious voice.

"I heard that too!"

"I can faintly hear my heart beating about how strenuous it's becoming to pump oxygen to my brain," said Remus.

"You must be mistaken, Moony," said Sirius. "I think it's beating about how much you luurve all of us."

"I do love you all, really," said Remus. "But I'd love you all a bit more if you would all get off. You are killing my poor back."

"Whoops," said Peter. "Sorry." One by one the boys clambered off of Remus and lounged back into their sitting positions. Remus pulled himself together, stretched slightly, and held the book properly again. "Oh, look at that, you've bent the page. It's horrible."

"At least now one of your daily duties has been fulfilled," said Sirius. "You've been able to lament about a book in bad damage. Well done. Can we read now?"

"For one who so willingly starts Marauder piles, you sound quite impatient."

"Hey. Marauder piles are fun. But I guess next time I can start one on someone else."

_It was a map showing every detail of the Hogwarts castle and grounds. But the truly remarkable thing were the tiny ink dots moving around it, each labeled with a name in minuscule writing._

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Tell me more."

_Astounded, Harry bent over it. A labeled dot in the top left corner showed that Professor Dumbledore was pacing his study; the caretaker's cat, Mrs. Norris, was prowling the second floor; and Peeves the Poltergeist was currently bouncing around the trophy room._

"Genius!" cried Sirius. "Why only have a map that shows secret passages and things when you can also add everyone around Hogwarts on it?"

"It seems a lot more useful," Peter agreed.

"But it'd be very hard. You have to figure out all the technicalities and proper charms, and then figure out how to work them…" Remus said.

"Obviously, we've done it if it's here," James said. "And I've always thought that would be useful. I didn't tell you guys yet, but I'd been thinking about putting people on it ever since I had trouble locating Evans one day last year."

"Won't you give her a rest one day?" Peter asked. "You're going to grow into a creepily obsessed stalker-type person. If you aren't already."

"Shut up," James told him. Then to the rest of the group he said, "Then it's settled. Well, the book already settled it for us. But we will show where everyone is on our map. I knew I was a genius."

_And as Harry's eyes traveled up and down the familiar corridors, he noticed something else._

_This map showed a set of passages he had never entered. And many of them seemed to lead—_

"_Right into Hogsmeade," said Fred, tracing one of them with his finger._

"Now we're talking," James said. "C'mon, Fred. Tell Harry the way to get to Hogsmeade without the teachers seeing."

"_There are seven in all."_

"Well, that's four more than we know," Peter said. "Better listen."

"_Now, Filch knows about these four"-_

"Great! Four of our brilliant discoveries will be ruined!" Sirius said. "Ruddy Filch. Why can't we just kick him out?"

—_he pointed them out— "but we're sure we're the only ones who know about these. Don't bother with the one behind the mirror on the fourth floor. We used it until last winter, but it's caved in— completely blocked."_

"What?" cried Sirius. "I like that one! It's one of my favorites!"

"I wonder who blocked it," James said. "They'll have to pay."

"_And we don't reckon anyone's ever used this one, because the Whomping Willow's planted right over the entrance."_

The four boys gave guilty smiles.

"I think _some_ people have certainly used it," Peter grinned.

"Yes, I've heard about these four boys who use it every month, and sometimes at other times when they want to," added Remus.

"Those young twin grasshoppers have much to learn," said Sirius, his voice having tones of uncanny old-aged wisdom.

"_But this one here, this one leads right into the cellar of Honeydukes."_

"Hey, I like this one too! And it doesn't sound like Filch knows about it!" Sirius said happily.

"I like that one too. Free candy!" Peter said.

"Not to mention, free chocolate," said Remus. "Well, until you feel incredibly guilty about the fact that it's not really free, but-"

"But then you forget all about it because it takes you to chocolate heaven, or wherever it is you go when you eat that stuff," James finished. "This is a brilliant passage way for Harry to use. And also, it's very satisfying since you can eat some free candy after you've finished the long journey. We're good." He high-fived Sirius.

"_We've used it loads of times."_

"And we have too. Those twins are smart," said Peter.

"_And as you might've noticed, the entrance is right outside this room, through that one-eyed old crone's hump."_

"_Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," sighed George, patting the heading of the map. "We owe them so much."_

"That's right. You do," James said.

"But helping to carry forth our legend works for us," Sirius said.

"And giving the map to Harry," James said.

"And continuing our mischief," Peter said.

"And rescuing our map from the depths of Filch's filing cabinets and not getting it taken away again," Remus said.

"_Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers," said Fred solemnly._

"You said it," Peter nodded. "It's tiring making this. But awfully fun."

"And helping people to break the rules. That's fun too," said James.

"Not to mention: free candy!" said Sirius.

"And chocolate!" added Remus.

"Yes, chocolate too."

"But most importantly, now I can know where Evans is _anytime_ I want!" James said.

Peter made a face. "Hey, that's not the point of our map!"

"Maybe not your point, but it definitely is one of mine!"

"You creepy stalker."

"It's not stalking. How many times do I have to tell you this? I'm _observing_. Go on, ask Padfoot, he knows what I mean!"

"But Prongs," said Sirius. "You're forgetting the crucial part. That I've _observed_ a lot more in my quarries than you ever have."

"You two will become sick old perverts one day," Remus said. "Yet I'm suspecting you already are."

"Merlin, Remus. We're sixteen. Let us have a life."

"This _is_ our life."

"Stop being so technical, you fun-sucker. Or life-sucker. Wait, no, not life-sucker, because that sounds like dementors. Yes. So I'll just keep it with fun-sucker."

"Which I am not."

"You so are."

"_Right," said George briskly. "Don't forget to wipe it after you've used it—"_

"—_or anyone can read it," Fred said warningly._

"Good. They're making sure our map doesn't get caught. Fred and George were excellent people to get our map," Peter said.

"_Just tap it again and say, 'Mischief managed!' And it'll go blank."_

"_So, young Harry," said Fred, in an uncanny impersonation of Percy, "mind you behave yourself."_

"Don't worry. He won't. If he's like me," James said.

"_See you in Honeydukes," said George, winking._

_They left the room, both smirking in a satisfied sort of way._

"Good job, young grasshoppers. You've served us well," said Sirius. "Go party in Honeydukes. Have some free candy."

_Harry stood there, gazing at the miraculous map. He watched the tiny ink Mrs. Norris turn left and pause to sniff at something on the floor. If Filch really didn't know… he wouldn't have to pass the dementors at all…_

"Another bonus!" said Peter. "No teachers to catch him, and no dementors!"

_But even as he stood there, flooded with excitement, something Harry had once heard Mr. Weasley say came floating out of his memory._

_Never trust anything that can think for itself, if you can't see where it keeps its brain._

"Then I don't know why Malfoy trusts Crabbe and Goyle," said Sirius. "I've no idea where they keep their brains, and furthermore, I don't even think they have any."

_This map was one of those dangerous magical objects Mr. Weasley had been warning against… Aids for Magical Mischief-Makers… but then, Harry reasoned, he only wanted to use it to get into Hogsmeade, it wasn't as though he wanted to steal anything or attack anyone… and Fred and George had been using it for years without anything horrible happening…_

"That's it, Harry!" James said. "Come on, hurry up! You're wasting valuable candy-eating time!"

_Harry traced the secret passage to Honeydukes with his finger._

_Then, quite suddenly, as though following orders, he rolled up the map, stuffed it inside his robes, and hurried to the door of the classroom._

"Look at that, Prongs. I think Harry must be reading your brain messages," Remus joked.

"Then he should continue. I have lots of worthy advice to give."

_He opened it a couple of inches. There was no one outside. Very carefully, he edged out of the room and behind the statue of the one-eyed witch._

"Good!" James said. "Now let's try some more brain messages. 'Dissendium', Harry. Take out your wand, tap the witch and say 'Dissendium.' Say it with me. 'Dissendium."

_What did he have to do?_

"Say 'Dissendium', Harry! Say 'Dissendium'!"

_He pulled out the map again and saw to his astonishment, that a new ink figure had appeared upon it, labeled Harry Potter. This figure was standing exactly where the real Harry was standing, about halfway down the third floor corridor. Harry watched carefully. His little ink self appeared to be tapping the witch with his minute wand. Harry quickly took out his real wand and tapped the statue. Nothing happened._

"Oh, yeah, Prongs! Look how well those brain messages are working!" said Sirius sarcastically.

"Maybe they'd work a little better if you stopped interrupting my brain message thoughts!"

_He looked back at the map. The tiniest speech bubble had appeared next to his figure. The word inside said, "Dissendium."_

"Okay, I guess that could work too," said James.

"So much for those brain messages," said Sirius.

"_Dissendium!" Harry whispered, tapping the stone witch again. _

_At once, the statue's hump opened wide enough to admit a fairly thin person. Harry glanced quickly up and down the corridor, then tucked the map away again, hoisted himself into the hole headfirst, and pushed himself forward._

"Here comes my favorite part!" Peter said excitedly.

_He slid a considerable way down what felt like a stone slide, then landed on cold, damp earth. He stood up, looking around. It was pitch dark. He held up his wand, muttered, "Lumos!" and saw that he was in a very narrow, low, earthy passageway. He raised the map, tapped it with the tip of his wand, and muttered, "Mischief Managed!" The map went blank at once. He folded it carefully, tucked it inside his robes, then, heart beating fast, both excited and apprehensive, he set off._

"He's off to Hogsmeade!" cried James.

"He's off to go to Hogsmeade, the hoggiest place of all here!" Remus half sang in the famous tune to the 'We're Off to See the Wizard' song from _The Wizard of Oz._

Peter knew what Remus had been talking about, and laughed. James and Sirius stared at him.

"Really, you two should have taken Muggle studies," said Remus. "You both need it."


	12. Chapter 10 Part Two

**A/N:** And now, it's time for one of the most awaited parts of the fanfiction... the conclusion of Chapter 10! Enjoy. :)

* * *

_The passage twisted and turned, more like the burrow of a giant rabbit than anything else. Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his wand out in front of him._

_It took ages, but Harry had the thought of Honeydukes to sustain him._

"Yes, Harry. Think of all that free candy!" Peter said.

_After what felt like an hour, the passage began to rise. Panting, Harry sped up, his face hot, his feet very cold._

_Ten minutes later, he came to the foot of some worn stone steps, which rose out of sight above him. Careful not to make any noise, Harry began to climb. A hundred steps, two hundred steps, he lost count as he climbed, watching his feet… Then, without warning, his head hit something hard._

"Oh no!" cried James. "I hope Harry didn't lose any brain cells!"

"Don't you worry. I'm sure all that Potter hair on that Potter head cushioned it," came the sardonic tones of Sirius.

"That was both an insult as much as it was a reassurance."

"So it was."

_It seemed to be a trapdoor. Harry stood there, massaging the top of his head, listening. He couldn't hear any sounds above him. Very slowly, he pushed the trapdoor open and peered over the edge._

_He was in a cellar, which was full of wooden crates and boxes._

"Which are filled with free candy!" Peter said again. "Well, if Harry does decide to open them and then quickly reassemble them."

_Harry climbed out of the trapdoor and replaced it— it blended so well with the dusty floor that it was impossible to tell it was there. Harry crept slowly toward the wooden staircase that led upstairs. Now he could definitely hear voices, not to mention the tinkle of a bell and the opening and shutting of a door._

_Wondering what he ought to do—_

"Hurry up there and get some candy! Find some friends!" James said.

—_he suddenly heard a door open much closer at hand; somebody was about to come downstairs._

James quickly changed his mind. "Oh. In that case, hide, Harry, hide! We can't have my only son getting caught!"

"_And get another box of Jelly Slugs, dear, they've nearly cleaned us out—"_

"I knew everyone would always like Jelly Slugs!" said Peter. "Those are some of my favorites."

"Keep eating them, and I think you'll be a jelly slug yourself," Sirius mocked. "Or at least, you've got the jelly part down."

"Stop being so mean!"

"I'm not being mean. I'm being honest."

"Then I don't like you being honest."

_A pair of feet was coming down the staircase. Harry leapt behind an enormous crate and waited for the footsteps to pass. He heard the man shifting boxes against the opposite wall. He might not get another chance—_

"Even if he did catch Harry, he should just be able to say, 'Hey, I'm Famous Harry Potter. You know, Famous James Potter's son. Give me free candy.' And he shouldn't be punished," said James.

"Very nice," said Sirius. "Except for the 'Famous James Potter' part. I don't think you're at that level yet."

"Oh yes I am!"

_Quickly and silently, Harry dodged out from his hiding place and climbed the stairs; looking back, he saw an enormous backside and shiny bald head, buried in a box._

"And from that position, who can tell whether he's really getting more Jelly Slugs or eating free candy?" asked Peter.

"Well, you could, couldn't you?" said Sirius.

"Leave me alone! You like eating candy too!"

_Harry reached the door at the top of the stairs, slipped through it, and found himself behind the counter of Honeydukes— he ducked, crept sideways, and then straightened up._

_Honeydukes was so crowded with Hogwarts students that no one looked twice at Harry. He edged among them, looking around, and suppressed a laugh as he imagined the look that would spread over Dudley's piggy face if he could see where Harry was now._

"What look?" asked James. "I think that pig would just faint right there. Or maybe he'd eat it all and blow up."

"Ooompa loompa, doompity doo," sang Peter.

"No," Sirius said. "Cool words. But don't sing that ever again. Just don't."

"But it's what the Ooompa Loompas sing before they talk about what a bad kid Augustus Gloop was for eating everything!" Peter went on.

"Actually, in the book, I don't recall any 'Ooompa Loompa, doompity doos'," said Remus.

"That's because the movie is probably cooler than the book," said Sirius. "I'd rather watch a movie with tons of candy in it than read a book that talks about tons of candy that you have to imagine all for yourself."

"Well, if Harry is like Charlie, and Charlie wins the chocolate factory in the end, then maybe Harry can win something too," Peter said.

"Yes! Free candy!" cheered James. Then a thought struck him. "Better idea. Winning the Quidditch Cup- wait, there's more- and the cup is filled with free candy!"

"Yeah!" said Sirius. "Go Quidditch and free candy! A very nice combination!"

_There were shelves upon shelves of the most succulent-looking sweets imaginable._

"Oh no, I think I have a problem," said Sirius.

"What do you mean, _think_?" asked James, laughing. "We already know you do."

Sirius swatted him in the arm. "As I was saying, I have a problem. Books that just talk about candy that you have to imagine are horrible. But this book is talking about candy you have to imagine but I can't imagine them since they're at Honeydukes and I'd know them all so now I have to hear about sweets that I already know what they look like!"

"Erm… okay…" Remus responded, looking quite confused. "I don't really think that was a problem. That was just a good use of your visual knowledge being over-analyzed."

"Well, unless they've made new candy," said Peter. "I hope they have. Mmm."

"I wasn't over-analyzing, and it was a problem!" Sirius said. "Sure, okay, so maybe I have to hear about them and I know what they look like, but that's just it! I know exactly what the candy is like, and now I have to hear about them! Now I'm gonna be hungry!"

"Me too. We'd better get my mom to bring us some food after this chapter," said James.

"Good idea," Peter said. "I'm starved."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I know, Wormtail," he muttered. "I know."

_Creamy chunks of nougat, shimmering pink squares of coconut ice, fat, honey-colored, toffees; hundreds of different kinds of choco-_

"KEEP READING, MOONY!" screamed Sirius at Remus's ear.

"Oh!" cried Remus. "What was that for? I didn't even finish the word! A very nice word, I might add."

"But I figured you were going to stop and drool, so I've stopped you beforehand."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sirius."

_-hundreds of different kinds of chocolate in neat rows—_

So much for Remus's theory of Sirius being ridiculous. Remus paused and enjoyed the visual of all the chocolate at Honeydukes he knew so well and missed.

"KEEP READING, MOONY!" screamed Sirius, now accompanied by James and Peter.

"Fine, gang up on me like that. It was only for a second. You all know how delicious that chocolate is," Remus said, grumbling.

"Yeah, it's also quite bribe-worthy," Sirius added.

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Moony is right," Peter said. "That _is_ good chocolate. I love Honeydukes!"

"We know, Wormtail," Sirius muttered. "We know."

—_there was a large barrel of Every Flavor Beans—_

"And they most definitely mean _every_ flavor," James said gravely. "I am never eating 'old rubber tire' flavor again. I can't believe I ate that. I can't believe they made it. They need to get rid of that one."

"Along with 'poop'," added Peter. "Disgusting. I'm so glad I'm not a dog." He stared over at Sirius.

"That was just once!" Sirius said crossly, turning red. "It's not my fault! It was doggy instinct! You all have it easy. You haven't got the poop, and the fleas…"

Peter pointed and laughed. Sirius changed the subject.

"So, anyway, you know those every flavor beans? They need to make muffin flavor. Do they have a muffin flavor?"

"I don't think they do, do they?" said Remus.

"Nope," said James, who had tried almost every single flavor of Every Flavor Beans there were. His eyebrow was raised with a smile. "Why muffin, Padfoot?"

"'Cause muffins are good," said Sirius, as if this should have been quite obvious.

"Yeah, they are!" agreed Peter. "I like blueberry muffins."

"I like chocolate chip muffins," said Remus.

"I like my muffin," Sirius said.

"Oh, okay," said Peter. "What kind is that? We should have some muffins for breakfast."

"Charlotte," Sirius answered.

"What?" Peter asked.

"Charlotte is my muffin," Sirius said again.

"Really?" asked Peter, missing the fact that they weren't exactly talking about regular breakfast muffins anymore and were now talking about some strange analogy of Sirius's.

"He's talking about a girl, Wormtail," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Because I should think that you wouldn't want to _eat_ whoever this Charlotte is, would you?"

"Well, I wouldn't object to a few bites," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows and James began laughing.

"Let's just not ask, Peter," said Remus, staring at them. "We don't want to know their sordid analogies for girls."

"It's simple," Sirius explained. "Muffins are good. Girls are good. They're my muffins."

"I never want to hear the word 'muffin' again," said Remus monotonous voice, and he shook his head.

"Muffins used to be such a good breakfast food," whined Peter. "Now you had to go and make them all confusing!"

—_and another of Fizzing Whizbees, the levitating sherbet balls that Ron had mentioned; along yet another wall were "Special Effects" sweets: Droobles Best Blowing Gum (which filled a room with bluebell-colored bubbles that refused to pop for days)—_

"They're pretty colors, though," said Peter.

"And they're great fun to blow around the Great Hall," said James.

— _the strange, splintery Toothflossing Stringments—_

"Which work wonders in the morning. Get you feeling energized and having good looking teeth," said Sirius.

—_tiny black Pepper Imps ("breathe fire for your friends!")—_

"Or make someone else breathe fire in Potions class and onto their work," said James, grinning.

—_Ice Mice ("hear your teeth chatter and squeak!")—_

"Yeah, I just never understood the point of those. They were weird." Peter paused. "But they tasted really good."

_—peppermint creams shaped like toads ("hop realistically in the stomach!), fragile sugar-spun quills, and exploding bonbons._

"Oh, they make me miss Honeydukes so much right now!" said James.

"Me too," said Remus.

"Have you got anymore chocolate, Moony?" asked Peter.

"No. We've finished it all. Remember?" he answered.

"Oh, yeah. Darn."

"Good old Hogsmeade and all its shops," said Sirius. "I don't know how we'd survive without it."

_Harry squeezed himself through a crowd of sixth years and saw a sign handing in the farthest corner of the shop (Unusual Tastes)._

"Here's one," said Sirius, rather staring at the wall with an ugly face. "Poop."

_Ron and Hermione were standing underneath it, examining a tray of blood-flavored lollipops._

"Blood-flavored? Come on!" said James. "If you're going to bring Harry back a present, don't get him one of those."

"Get some chocolate," Remus enthused. "It's the universal language of health and recovery, but most of all, goodness."

"And luuurve on Valentine's Day," Sirius added.

_Harry sneaked up behind them._

"_Ugh, no, Harry won't want one of those, they're for vampires, I expect," Hermione was saying._

"Too right," said James. "Choose something vampires won't want."

"_How about these?" said Ron, shoving a jar of Cockroach Clusters under Hermione's nose._

"Now when I said something vampires won't want, I didn't mean _those!_" said James. "Whatever happened to browsing around the 'normal taste' section? Get Harry a sugar quill so he can use it in class and look like he's being good but actually just eating something good."

"_Definitely not," said Harry._

"Good. Harry is thinking the same thing!" said James happily.

_Ron nearly dropped the jar._

"_Harry!" squealed Hermione. "What are you doing here? How— how did you—?"_

"_Wow!" said Ron, looking very impressed, "you've learned to Apparate!"_

"Yeah, that'd be great!" said James. "My brilliant son. Thirteen years old and knowing how to Apparate. He'd be even more of a genius." He sighed.

"I want to Apparate," said Sirius. "I can't wait until we take our tests this year."

"Me too," said James. "Imagine it. Going wherever you want whenever you feel like it."

"Assuming you don't splinch yourself," said Remus, and Peter cringed. "Aren't you at all worried about how complicated that test is going to be? Aren't you worried about failing and harming yourself in the process."

"Pft, of course not," James and Sirius replied simultaneously. "Why should we be?"

"I'm not in Divination, but I predict that we'll pass on our first go," said Sirius.

"And easy O and piece of cake," said James.

"But they don't grade your Apparition test with O.W.L. grades," said Peter.

"Yes… well… if they did…"

"'_Course I haven't," said Harry._

"But one day!" said James. "How unfortunate that it isn't now."

_He dropped his voice so that none of the sixth years could hear him and told them all about the Marauder's Map._

"The brilliant map," said Sirius. "The historical map."

"_How come Fred and George never gave it to me!" said Ron, outraged. "I'm their brother!"_

"But Harry's my son and he deserves it more than you!" James said quickly. "Too bad, Ron."

"_But Harry isn't going to keep it!" said Hermione, as though the idea were ludicrous._

James gaped. "Of course he's keeping it! It's not a ludicrous idea at all! It's one of his last remnants of his father! He is keeping that map!"

"He has to hold onto our intellectual knowledge," said Sirius. "What else would he do with it?"

"_He's going to hand it into Professor McGonagall, aren't you, Harry?"_

The four boys gasped in horror.

"Hand it in?" repeated James, thunderstruck.

"If Hermione knew who we are and what we've done, I don't think she'd want us to waste away all our hard work and hand that in," said Remus. "After all, apparently the map is being confiscated."

"But heroically rescued by Fred and George," Peter reminded them.

"Yes… and at least Harry has it," James said. "And he better not lose it! No one else can have that map! If he knew that was me— and us — on that map, he'd treasure it even more!"

"_No, I'm not!" said Harry._

"So many times Harry has the same thoughts as me, and equally as many times I am glad," said James.

"Equally as many times, I wonder what this pattern will lead to," said Remus.

James frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," said Remus, shaking his head. "I'm just saying that it'll be interesting to see how much Harry is like you. That's all."

"_Are you mad?" said Ron, goggling at Hermione. "Hand in something that good?"_

"Really," said Sirius. "Someone needs to teach Hermione some new values."

"_If I hand it in, I'll have to say where I got it! Filch would know Fred and George had nicked it!"_

"As if other people haven't nicked things before," said James, and he and Sirius conveniently avoided Remus and Peter's eyes.

"I guess that clears up where Lily Evans's missing things have gone when she goes around looking for them," said Remus.

"It- it- that's a completely different point," stuttered James.

"Yeah," Sirius chimed in. "It's not Prongs's fault that Lily's things get stolen and then James just happens to take— I mean— _find_ them. Oh, er…" James was glaring at him now. "Let me try this again. It's not Prongs's fault that Lily happens to misplace things that Prongs miraculously finds by coming to the rescue and occasionally failing to return them to the rightful owner— oh, I meant… I meant… Don't discourage James's artistic collection!"

"Yes. It's art. I'm learning how to… how to make a collage!" James invented.

"_But what about Sirius Black?" Hermione hissed._

Sirius immediately stepped over the words. "Yes, I hear he's an extremely good looking fellow, and, um, a very, very good person…"

"_He could be using one of the passages on that map to get into the castle! The teachers have got to know!"_

"No they don't!" Sirius continued on. "They've never known about anything else, so there's no reason for them to know of this!"

"She makes a good point, though," said Peter.

"What's that?" snapped Sirius.

"Well, if you really were a crazy murderer, then maybe you did use one of the passages on the map. Since you helped write it. So you would know about it."

Sirius kept stiffly silent.

"_He can't be getting in through a passage," said Harry quickly. "There are seven secret tunnels on the map, right?" Fred and George reckon Filch already knows about four of them. And of the other three— one of them's caved in, so no one can get through it. One of them's got the Whomping Willow planted over the entrance, so you can't get out of it."_

It became some sort of silent agreement to not mention that obviously someone, namely the Marauders, _could_ get out of that entrance. And had, many times.

"_And the one I just came through— well— it's really hard to see the entrance to it down in the cellar, so unless he knew it was there…"_

There was another round of the previous silent agreement, which this time also involved the four books glancing up to look at each other and then quickly looking away when they made eye contact with someone.

_Harry hesitated. What if Black did know the passage was there? Ron, however, cleared his throat significantly, and pointed to a notice pasted on the inside of the sweetshop door._

**_BY ORDER OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC_**

_Customers are reminded that until further notice, dementors will be patrolling the streets of Hogsmeade every night after sundown._

"Dementors? Patrolling Hogsmeade too?" cried Peter. "How are we all going to enjoy Hogsmeade now if there are dementors walking around?"

"It said after sundown, Pete," Sirius said in a grave sort of voice. "None of the students are around Hogsmeade at that time. Well, unless they're… but anyway, everyone's out by then, so…"

_This measure has been put in place for the safety of Hogsmeade residents and will be lifted upon the recapture of Sirius Black. It is therefore advisable that you complete your shopping well before nightfall._

_Merry Christmas!_

"_See?" said Ron quietly. "I'd like to see Black try and break into Honeydukes with dementors swarming all over the village. Anyway, Hermione, the Honeydukes owners would hear a break-in, wouldn't they? They live over the shop!"_

"Yeah, I guess that's true," said James. "And they're rather aggressive with the protection of their candy too… it's a shame they don't know how we nick stuff from them all the time… Hope they never figure out about the trapdoor."

"_Yes, but— but—" Hermione seemed to be struggling to find another problem. "Look, Harry still shouldn't be coming into Hogsmeade. He hasn't got a signed form! If anyone finds out, he'll be in so much trouble! And it's not nightfall yet— what if Sirius Black turns up today? Now?"_

"_He'd have a job spotting Harry in this," said Ron, nodding through the mullioned windows at the thick, swirling snow._

"Yes… it… it sounds like a great plan," said Sirius forcibly. "I won't find him. And I can't break into the shop, it looks like…."

Remus, being over-analytical as he was, was about to point out that with all the snow and all the kids who were in Hogsmeade who were paying all of their attention to candy, a murdering Sirius could easily make his way through. After all, no one had paid any attention to Harry going through, no one had noticed him. He'd managed the whole way there, and he hadn't had an invisibility cloak or anything. What were the chances of Sirius doing it, then? If the kids behaved exactly the same way. He opened is mouth and said, "Actually" but thought better of it and decided to stop being so analytical and to not bring up any arguments.

"Yeah?" said James.

"Never mind," said Remus quickly.

"_Come on, Hermione, it's Christmas. Harry deserves a break."_

_Hermione bit her lip, looking extremely worried._

"_Are you going to report me?" Harry asked her, grinning._

"You'd better not, Hermione, or I'll hate you forever," said James.

"_Oh— of course not— but honestly, Harry—"_

"_Seen the Fizzing Whizbees, Harry?" said Ron, grabbing him and leading him over to their barrel. "And the Jelly Slugs? And the Acid Pops? Fred gave me one of those when I was seven— it burnt a hole right through my tongue. I remember Mum walloping him with her broomstick."_

"Oh, ow!" said Peter. "Fred sure deserved that."

"Gotta love Fred and George's creativity, though," remarked Sirius.

"I wonder how creatively mischievous they've been on teachers?" asked James openly.

_Ron stared broodingly into the Acid Pops box._

"Come on, Ron," said James, as if he were able to coax the boy even though he was not there. "Buy some acid pops. Be creatively mischievous with certain teachers. Certain teachers who have the same first and last initials. Wait. Er, that aren't Minerva McGonagall. Or Filius Flitwick. Hmm. A lot of people have repeating initials. Like Mr. Wormtail here."

"Yeah, and I don't like them," said Peter. "When your initials are 'P.P.' it never sounds so fun."

"_Reckon Fred'd take a bit of Cockroach Cluster if I told him they were peanuts?"_

"Nope. Fred's too smart for that," said Sirius.

_When Ron and Hermione had paid for all their sweets, the three of them left Honeydukes for the blizzard outside._

_Hogsmeade looked like a Christmas card; the little thatched cottages and shops were all covered in a layer of crisp snow; there were holly wreaths on the doors and strings of enchanted candles hanging in the trees._

_Harry shivered: unlike the other two, he didn't have his cloak._

"Harry's going to freeze to death!" cried James suddenly. "We can't have that! How will Harry play Quidditch then?"

"In a ghost sort of manner?" Peter suggested.

"Mnn… no! I've never heard of any Ghost Quidditch, and you probably can't win stuff on those teams! Things like warm blankets or cloaks or whatever, so that Harry does not freeze!"

_They headed up the street, heads bowed against the wind, Ron and Hermione shouting through their scarves._

"Oh. So Ron and Hermione both have cloaks _and_ scarves," complained James. "Couldn't one of them be decent and lend Harry a scarf?"

"Well, no, because then they'd freeze to death too," said Sirius.

"_That's the post office-"_

"Boring," remarked Sirius.

"_Zonko's is up there-"_

"Yeah! Zonko's! Zonko's!" cried James.

"_We could go up to the Shrieking Shack-"_

"Or you could not," said Remus.

"_Tell you what," said Ron, his teeth chattering, "shall we go for a butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks?"_

"Yes!" shouted Peter. "Great idea! Butterbeer! I love that stuff! Mmm!" He smacked his lips and then added hopefully, "Anyone got any butterbeer?"

"No, obviously not," said Sirius. "We've been living off Remus's chocolate—"

"Living? You haven't been living off it, more like _stealing_ it when—"

"Whatever, Moony." Sirius rolled his eyes. "As I was saying, we've been living off that chocolate, so obviously, if there was butterbeer, don't you think we would have drank it by now?"

"Well, you never know…" said Peter.

"We can probably go down for breakfast in a bit," said James, peering over at his clock. "Mum and dad usually wake up in a while, but until then, we should probably just finish this chapter."

_Harry was more than willing; the wind was fierce and his hands were freezing, so they crossed the road, and in a few minutes were entering the tiny inn._

"Poor Harry! It sounds like he was becoming an icicle already!" James said, aggravated. "And Ron and Hermione don't even notice! Some friends!"

_It was extremely crowded, noisy, warm, and smoky._

"Well, at least Harry won't freeze now," said Sirius.

_A curvy sort of woman with a pretty face was serving a bunch of rowdy warlocks up at the bar._

"Yeah, Harry can't freeze with that woman turning up the heat wherever she goes," said Peter. Noticing how his friends were looking at him, a red tinge crept over his face, and he muttered, "Oh no, did I say that aloud?"

"Yes. You did," Remus answered.

"It's not like we didn't already know Wormtail had a sick mind," said Sirius. "Moving on."

"As if you're one to talk," said Remus.

"You too, Wolfy."

Remus, lost again for words, retorted with, "I am not!"

Sirius raised his eyebrow and looked at Remus. "What, ready to argue again?"

"No," said Remus quickly. "I meant, that I am not— I am _not_ going to give in and stupidly argue with you. Mmmhmm. Yes."

"_That's Madam Rosmerta," said Ron._

Peter made a muffled sigh.

"_I'll get the drinks, shall I?" he added, going slightly red._

"Hey!" gaped Peter. "Leave my— uh, I mean— the, uh, madam alone!"

_Harry and Hermione made their way to the back of the room, where there was a small, vacant table between the window and a handsome Christmas tree, which stood next to the fireplace. Ron came back five minutes later, carrying three foaming tankards of hot butterbeer._

"No, really, I could go for one of those right now," said Peter dreamily.

"And that's not all you'd go for," added Sirius, before being kicked in the knee by Peter.

"_Merry Christmas!" he said happily, raising his tankard._

_Harry drank deeply. It was the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted and seemed to heat every bit of him from the inside._

"Ha! Harry will be no icicle today!" said James. "Let's hope it stays that way."

"Let's hope Malfoy becomes an icicle," said Sirius. "We all know he's cold enough to be one."

_A sudden breeze ruffled his hair. The door of the Three Broomsticks had opened again._

"Quick, close it! Harry just got warm!" James said impatiently.

_Harry looked over the rim of his tankard and choked._

"Harry _WHAT?"_ screamed James.

"No, wait, actually it's a—" began Remus, but James was too busy panicking to hear him.

"Oh my God! Call Madam Pomfrey! Call St. Mungo's! Call Lily Evans!"

"Lily? What's Lily going to do about it?" asked Sirius. "I haven't seen her going around performing CPR."

"No, but she's his mother. She has to take care of him when he's choking." A thought struck James. "Hey, do you think that maybe if _I_ choked, Lily would come around and-"

"_No_," said Sirius. "But that Hufflepuff friend of yours would certainly come around and do it."

"Oh, her," said James, groaning. "I hope she's forgotten who I am. This stalking thing of hers is really starting to get creepy."

"I know," said Sirius. "Don't you just hate it when you get all these people following you and—"

"Excuse me, but do you mind if I get a word in here?" said Remus.

"Oh, not at all, Moony," said James.

"Yeah, what is it? Got any stalkers? Don't worry, we'll get rid of them for you. I'll-"

"No. It has nothing to do with that," said Remus. "As I was trying to say before, Harry is not literally choking. He is figuratively choking."

This seemed to relieve some stress in James's face up a bit. "Oh. Good. I mean, first becoming and icicle and now choking, even if it is in the figurative way!" He breathed a sigh of relief, and then looked I Sirius. "Well, maybe if I was _figuratively_ choking, do you think she'd—?"

"No, Prongs," said Sirius, shaking his head. "Just no."

_Professors McGonagall and Flitwick had just entered the pub with a flurry of snowflakes, followed by Hagrid, who was deep in conversation with a portly man in a lime-green bowler hat and a pinstriped cloak— Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic._

"Teachers? At the Three Broomsticks?" said Peter. "Harry won't have any fun now! Teachers can ruin everything!"

"Yes, especially the fact that Harry's not even supposed to be there!" added Remus.

"What if Fudge tries to force Harry to eat crumpets again?" asked James.

"There are no crumpets at the Three Broomsticks!" snapped Remus.

"Sorry, I forgot," said James. "Really, no need to be so angry just because your furry little problem is coming up so soon…"

_In an instant, Ron and Hermione had both placed hands on the top of Harry's head and forced him off his stool and under the table._

"I guess Ron and Hermione are good friends after all," said James. "They're quick to go to action and protect Harry from interfering teachers! But really, they didn't have to be so forceful."

_Dripping with butterbeer and crouching out of sight, Harry clutched his empty tankard and watched the teachers' and Fudge's feet move toward the bar, pause, and then turn and walk right toward them._

"So he's almost been an icicle, then choked, and he's been sticky and in hiding all in one day," said James. "Harry doesn't have many good days, does he?"

"_And_ to make matters worse," said Peter sadly, "all of his butterbeer is gone."

_Somewhere above him, Hermione whispered, "Mobiliarbus!"_

_The Christmas tree beside their table rose a few inches off the ground, drifted sideways, and landed with a soft thump right in front of their table, hiding them from view. _

"Oh. Good idea, Hermione," said James. "Harry can't get caught now!"

"That is, he can't if none of the teachers decide to go have a good look at that tree," said Remus.

_Staring through the dense lower branches, Harry saw four sets of chair legs move back from the table right beside theirs, then heard the grunts and sighs of the teachers and minister as they sat down._

"What are they sighing and grunting about?" Peter asked. "They're at the Three Broomsticks! The happiest place in the world!"

"Maybe they're sighing and grunting because they can hear _you_," Sirius said. "Give it a rest, Wormtail."

_Next he saw another pair of feet, wearing sparkly turquoise high heels, and heard a woman's voice._

"Wonder who that is?" said Sirius mockingly.

"Turquoise high heels! It must be!" cried Peter. "I thought blue was nice, but turquoise! Wow!"

"You've memorized a woman by her shoes," stated Sirius. "Well, I guess it could have been worse."

_"A small gillywater—"_

"_Mine," said Professor McGonagall's voice._

"Ah, so that's what she drinks," said James. "Boring drink, slightly tarty. Even her choice in drink sounds like her."

_"Four pints of mulled mead—"_

"_Ta, Rosmerta," said Hagrid._

"Figures," said Sirius.

_"A cherry syrup and soda with ice and umbrella—"_

"I love those! They taste good!" said Peter enthusiastically, looking hungrier by the second.

"You think everything tastes good," said Sirius.

"_Mmm!" said Professor Flitwick, smacking his lips._

"What do you know, just like you," Sirius added to Peter.

"_So you'll be the red currant rum, Minister."_

"Going to get some crumpets to go with that?" asked James airily.

"_Thank you, Rosmerta, m'dear," said Fudge's voice._

Peter made a face in outrage. "M'dear?" he repeated angrily.

"Oh, Wormtail, get _over_ it," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "She's about twenty years older than you and I don't think she'd go for Fudge, anyway. Actually, there's quite a few people that she wouldn't go for, and you are definitely not—"

"Out of the running," finished Remus.

Peter looked very happy about this and closed his eyes happily, perhaps having blissful fantasies, but Sirius turned and glared at Remus. "What did you do that for?" he muttered in his ear.

"Do you really want him to whine at you some more?" Remus muttered back.

"But, Moony, it's true, you know it's—"

"Not another word."

"_Lovely to see you again, I must say."_

"Mmm," said Peter happily, his eyes still closed.

_"Have one yourself, won't you? Come and join us…"_

"_Well, thank you very much, Minister."_

_Harry watched the glittering heels march away and back again. His heart was pounding uncomfortably in his throat. Why hadn't it occurred to him that this was the last weekend of term for the teachers too?_

"Because teachers don't have lives, except for teaching," said Sirius obviously.

Now it was Remus's turn to glare at Sirius.

Sirius went on, "Well, except for you, you— no, actually, you don't have much of a life either. You study more than you do anything else, so I guess you'd teach more than anyone else too. Uh, well, it does make for a , you know, good teacher. That we love. And that isn't about to hit me right now for these remarks…"

"I'm not," said Remus.

"Oh. Good. Because that would be un-teacherly of you," said Sirius.

_And how long were they going to sit there? He needed time to sneak back into Honeydukes if he wanted to return to school tonight… Hermione's leg gave a nervous twitch next to him._

"_So, what brings you to this neck of the woods, Minister?" came Madam Rosmerta's voice._

_Harry saw the lower part of Fudge's thick body twist in his chair as though he were checking for eavesdroppers. Then he said in a quiet voice, "What else, m'dear, but Sirius Black?"_

"Oh, please, no, go away!" said Sirius angrily. "Go and eat some crumpets!"

"Yeah. Crumpet eater," added James.

"_I daresay you heard what happened up at the school at Halloween?"_

"_I did hear a rumor," admitted Madam Rosmerta._

"Hogwarts is an excellent place to learn that rumors aren't always true!" said Sirius.

"You can't trust too much at Hogwarts," said James. "Although I did hear this excellent rumor last year that someone saw Dumbledore and McGonagall hugging by her office… I wish I'd seen that…"

"_Did you tell the whole pub, Hagrid?" said Professor McGonagall exasperatedly._

"Hagrid!" cried Sirius. "Well, yeah, he can never keep his mouth closed, can he?"

"_Do you think Black's still in the area, Minister?" whispered Madam Rosmerta._

"_I'm sure of it," said Fudge shortly._

"What? Why?" demanded Sirius. "I want some answers!"

"Fudge didn't answer Harry, so I don't think he'll answer you," said James. "Stupid Minister."

"_You know that the dementors have searched the whole village twice?" said Madam Rosmerta, a slight edge to her voice. "Scared all my customers away… It's very bad for business, Minster."_

"Nothing could ever scare me away…" murmured Peter, his eyes still closed.

"Yeah, right," snorted Sirius.

"What? You heard me!" said Peter, his eyes flashing open. "I meant that nothing could ever scare me away from… this story! Yes! Dementors aren't so frightening!"

"And yet you wet your pants when I told you my dementor horror story last Halloween," said Sirius simply.

"No, I didn't!"

"_Rosmerta, m'dear, I don't like them any more than you do," said Fudge uncomfortably. "Necessary precaution…unfortunate, but there you are… I've just met some of them. They're in a fury against Dumbledore— he won't let them inside the castle grounds."_

"Because then Harry would almost die again!" James cried. "And we can't have that!"

"_I should think not," said Professor McGonagall sharply. "How are we supposed to teach with these horrors floating around?"_

"_Hear, hear!" squeaked tiny Professor Flitwick, whose feet were dangling a foot from the ground._

"Yeah! No dementors at Hogwarts! Make him get rid of them!" said James.

"_All the same," demurred Fudge, "they are here to protect you all from something much worse…"_

"What is worse than Harry falling off his broom and dying?" said James.

"Uh… me dying?" said Peter.

"Fine. Think only about yourself," James said. "But if you had a son, you'd know how much it means to try and protect him!"

"You didn't even know you had a son until yesterday!" Peter pointed out.

"And now that I know, I will do everything I can to make sure that he still will exist, and that he won't die!" James said.

"_We all know what Black's capable of…"_

"Uh, do you really?" Sirius said distractedly.

"_Do you know, I still have trouble believing it," said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully._

"Well, you don't _have_ to believe it, you know," Sirius said.

"_Of all the people to go over to the Dark Side, Sirius Black was the last I'd have thought… I mean, I remember him when he was a boy at Hogwarts."_

"Charming, attractive, and not the murderer type?" suggested Sirius hopefully.

"_If you'd told me then what he was going to become, I'd have said you had too much mead."_

"_You don't know the half of it, Rosmerta," said Fudge gruffly. "The worst he did isn't widely known."_

"The worst?" Sirius asked, weak with confusion.

"Oh, maybe it's just that you ruined Snivelly's life forever," said James. "Big deal."

"_The worst?" said Madam Rosmerta, her voice alive with curiosity. "Worse than murdering all those poor people, you mean?"_

"_I certainly do," said Fudge._

"_I can't believe that. What could possibly be worse?"_

"_You say you remember him at Hogwarts, Rosmerta," murmured Professor McGonagall. "Do you remember who his best friend was?"_

"Me!" said James happily, throwing his arm to hang over Sirius's neck. "Good old Padfoot. I am, aren't I?"

"Of course you are," answered Sirius, as if this had to be obvious. He saw Remus and Peter watching him. "Not that you guys aren't my best friends too," he added, hurriedly. "We're all Marauders."

"We know," said Remus.

"Padfoot and Prongs has a nice best friend sort of ring, too," said Peter. "We understand."

"_Naturally," said Madam Rosmerta, with a small laugh. "Never saw one without the other, did you? The number of times I had them in here— ooh, they used to make me laugh."_

James and Sirius grinned. "Who don't we make laugh?"

"_Quite the double act, Sirius Black and James Potter!"_

_Harry dropped his tankard with a loud clunk. Ron kicked him._

"What? What's so wrong about that, Harry?" asked James. "Oh… wait… Yeah, Padfoot, he still thinks you're a bit… murderous…"

"Oh. Yeah," said Sirius, faltering. "Well, that's… I mean, you can't blame him for thinking, I guess…"

"_Precisely," said Professor McGonagall. "Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang."_

"Excuse us, but we _do_ have a name," said James.

"Yes, a name that we don't want anyone to know or our map will get caught for sure!" said Remus.

"_Both very bright, of course— exceptionally bright, in fact—"_

"Ha! McGonagall still thinks we're smart!" said Sirius, pointing at Remus. "I told you that we're still smart even though we're bad! We just have different study habits! And I like to think of mine as sporadic, whereas yours are more… obsessive, frequent, unnecessary…"

"Yes, well, we also have different brains, now don't we?" said Remus. "And it just so happens that I need to study more than you do."

"_But I don't think we've ever had such a pair of troublemakers—"_

"_I dunno," chuckled Hagrid. "Fred and George Weasley could give 'em a run fer their money."_

"Ah, our little forerunners," said James. "Nope. Don't think so. Fred and George are funny and mischievous, but they're not the ones who made this map. They said it themselves that they owe us so much! A good chunk of them must be due to us for inspiring them to be so!"

"Exactly why we should leave the map around so it can be passed from generation to generation of mischief makers," said Remus.

"_You'd have thought Black and Potter were brothers!" chimed in Professor Flitwick. "Inseparable!"_

"_Of course they were," said Fudge. "Potter trusted Black beyond all his other friends. Nothing changed when they left school. Black was best man when James married Lily."_

"Really, Prongs?" asked Sirius, smiling. "Thanks!"

"You're welcome," said James. "Even though I hadn't asked you, yet. But good enough. Consider me asking you now. Will you be my best man at my wedding to Lily once I get her to date me and then make her say yes?"

"Sure," said Sirius.

"_Then they named him godfather to Harry."_

Sirius was speechless this time. Seconds later he said, "Aw, Prongs, really?"

"Really," said James. "Well, you know, even though I haven't asked you yet. But I would, anyway. You care about Harry as much as I do."

"I care about Harry, too!" Peter said.

"Not now," said Remus, looking over at Peter. "Can you not see that they're having a best friend bonding moment?"

"Wonder what it's like to have one of those," muttered Peter.

The bonding moment finished, and Sirius said, "Thanks, James. This has completely made my day. But… but poor Harry…"

"If I was around, I'd tell him not to be alarmed," said James. "Hey, wait… Moony! Maybe _you_ can tell him!"

"I think Harry is probably going into shock right now," said Remus. "I just read that Harry doesn't know, and Fudge thinks it would horrify him."

"What?"

"_Harry has no idea, of course. You can imagine how the idea would torment him."_

"But— but," said Sirius.

"_Because Black turned out to be in league with You-Know-Who?" whispered Madam Rosmerta._

"No, no!" said Sirius, the happiness he'd just gotten from being James's best man and Harry's godfather fading away. "It cannot be!"

"_Worse even than that, m'dear…"_

"If he calls her 'm'dear' one more time…" began Peter, but Sirius yelled, "Shut up!"

_Fudge dropped his voice and proceeded in a sort of low rumble. "Not many people are aware that the Potters knew You-Know-Who was after them."_

"That's good!" said James. "I wonder how we knew? Well… I guess it didn't do us much good, anyway…" he said sadly.

"_Dumbledore, who was of course working tirelessly against You-Know-Who, had a number of useful spies."_

"Good Dumbledore. He always finds a way," said James. "I should have known."

"Dumbledore can work magic," said Remus. "Erm, no pun intended."

"_One of them tipped him off, and he alerted James and Lily at once. He advised them to go into hiding."_

"Hiding?" said James. "Hide from… from that? Dumbledore had better have a good idea, because it doesn't sound easy. Hide-and-seek isn't always the most fun game."

"Especially when people keep finding you," said Peter grumpily. "I tell you, I'll get better at that game one day! You won't keep finding me as easily as you normally do! I'll win!"

"Yeah, Wormtail, okay," said Sirius. "I'm kind of trying to find out about the bad thing I've done, and I don't need to hear you whining about how you're not good at hide-and-seek! Be quiet!"

"_Well, of course, You-Know-Who wasn't an easy person to hide from. Dumbledore told them that their best chance was the Fidelius Charm."_

"The Fiddle what?" asked James.

"_How does that work?" said Madam Rosmerta, breathless with interest. Professor Flitwick cleared his throat._

"_An immensely complicated spell," he said squeakily, "involving the magical concealment of a secret inside a single, living soul. The information is hidden inside the chosen person, or Secret-Keeper, and is henceforth impossibly to find— unless, of course, the Secret-Keeper chooses to divulge it. As long as the Secret-Keeper refused to speak, You-Know-Who could search the village where Lily and James were staying for years and never find them, not even if he had his nose pressed against their sitting room window!"_

James clapped his hands. "Good plan!"

"Bad plan!" Remus said. "Excuse me, but who is your Secret-Keeper going to be?"

"Padfoot, of course," said James easily.

"Wow, I feel so honored today, Prongs," said Sirius.

"Oh. Well, I guess that's okay then…" said Remus.

"Come on, it's better than Hagrid, for sure," said Sirius. "I wouldn't trust Hagrid to be anyone's Secret-Keeper."

"_So Black was the Potters' Secret-Keeper?" whispered Madam Rosmerta._

"_Naturally," said Professor McGonagall. "James Potter told Dumbledore than Black would die rather than tell where they were, that Black was planning to go into hiding himself…"_

"I would, James," said Sirius solemnly. "I promise, I would."

"I know you would," James said. "That's why I trust you."

"Even though I'm a murderous, raving lunatic?" Sirius added quietly, for good measure.

"Um… yes. Yes, I'm sure," James repeated.

"_And yet, Dumbledore remained worried. I remember him offering to be the Potters' Secret-Keeper himself."_

"That's awfully nice of him," said Remus. "Why don't you let Dumbledore be it, and put less stress on the both of you?"

"Are you saying there's something wrong with Padfoot being my Secret-Keeper?" James inquired loudly.

"No," said Remus. "I was just saying how nice Dumbledore is to offer it. I mean, it might be a little hard to be a proper godfather if you have to be a Secret-Keeper too…"

"What, are you saying that I'm going to be irresponsible, and you want to be godfather and/or Secret-Keeper instead of me?" Sirius said.

"No!" said Remus. "Can't a person just ask a reasonable question?"

"I guess," said Sirius. "Sorry, Moony. I'm just kind of crabby right now."

"I know what you mean."

"_He suspected Black?" gasped Madam Rosmerta._

"_He was sure that somebody close to the Potters had been keeping You-Know-Who informed of their movements," said Professor McGonagall darkly._

"Dumbles!" cried Sirius. "Why do you have to assume it's me? I'm James's best friend! I wouldn't do that! That's not fair! Just because I had at least fifteen detentions a month last year doesn't mean that I'm all-bad! McGonagall herself said I was smart!"

"_Indeed, he had suspected for some time that someone on our side had turned traitor and was passing a lot of information to You-Know-Who."_

"Well, that could be anyone," said James. "That's really unfair of Dumbledore. Why does he automatically think it's you? That's not nice."

"He's just looking out for your safety," said Remus.

"So you think that it's me!" yelled Sirius.

"No, I don't!" said Remus hurriedly. "Where are you getting these ideas from?"

"You always agree with everything Dumbledore says!" Sirius pointed out. "Just because he got you into Hogwarts doesn't mean that you have to worship him!"

"I'm not agreeing with Dumbledore that it's you," Remus said. "I'm just saying that it's good that he cares so much about you that he wants to be cautious. I would, too. I don't want any of you to be gone."

"It's kind of too late for that, don't you think?" said James.

"Sorry, Prongs," Remus added. "But I don't want you dead, you know I don't."

"_But James Potter insisted on using Black?"_

"_He did," said Fudge heavily. "And then, barely a week after the Fidelius Charm had been performed—"_

"_Black betrayed them?" breathed Madam Rosmerta._

"Pft, no," said Sirius disbelievingly.

"_He did indeed."_

"NO!" screamed Sirius and James so loudly that Remus was sure that if Mr. and Mrs. Potter hadn't been awake before, they had to be now.

Peter was gaping. "Sirius, how could you—?"

"That's not—?" began Remus.

"That has to be a misprint," said Sirius heavily. "That's not possible."

"Exactly. That wouldn't happen," added James, breathing irregularly.

Remus stared at the words, at a loss for his own. "I… I can't… it doesn't… it looks as it that's exactly what… it definitely says…"

"No!" cried Sirius again. "I wouldn't have done that! It must be another rumor, like that one about me and Rosalee Rogers in the supply closet last year, which—"

"Was that true?" asked Remus sharply in an indistinguishable voice.

"No, it wasn't!" Sirius went on. "And this can't be, either! It can't!"

"What… what should we do? Keep reading?" said Peter, looking with wide eyes from Sirius to the book and back again.

"Fine!" cried Sirius. "Read from that wretched collection of typed lies!"

"_Black was tired of his double-agent role, he was ready to declare his support openly for You-Know-Who, and he seems to have planned this for the moment of the Potters' death."_

"No!" yelled Sirius. "I can't be the reason for Prongs and Lily's deaths! I don't want them to die! It can't be me! There's no way I would do that! Prongs, you know I wouldn't!"

"I… I know that…" said James uncomfortably, looking around the room. Sirius grabbed him.

"Prongs," he said. "You don't believe that I am, do you?"

"No…" said James slowly. "It's just… I'm in shock right now."

"And so am I!"

"You seem to be in hysterical shock," said Peter, still wide-eyed.

"Of course I am, Wormtail! No one is calm and collected when they hear something like this!"

"_But, as we all know, You-Know-Who met his downfall in little Harry Potter."_

"Go Harry," said Sirius wildly. "At least someone has done something right!"

"_Powers gone, horribly weakened, he fled. And this left Black in a very nasty position indeed. His master had fallen at the very moment when he, Black, had shown his true colors as a traitor. He had no choice but to run for it—"_

"Run?" repeated Sirius. "But it's not my fault! This can't happen!"

"_Filthy, stinkin' turncoat!" Hagrid said, so loudly that half the bar went quiet._

"Oh, not you too, Hagrid!" cried Sirius. "I'm sorry about what I said about you having a bad mouth, even if it is true! I take it back, I take it back! Please, believe me, Hagrid!"

Remus didn't bother to mention that Hagrid couldn't hear Sirius.

"_Shh!" said Professor McGonagall._

"_I met him!" growled Hagrid. "I musta bin the last ter see him before he killed all them people! It was me what rescued Harry from Lily an' James's house after they was killed!"_

"Thanks, Hagrid," said James, voice still shaky.

"_Jus' got him outta the ruins, poor little thing, with a great slash across his forehead, an' his parents dead… an' Sirius Black turns up, on that flyin' motorbike he used ter ride."_

"What motorbike?" asked Sirius, a hint of excitement noticeable in his voice despite the fact that it was still so loud and emotional. "A flying motorbike! That's cool! Yeah…" He breathed. "If I don't go around killing people with it! Trampling on people when I land, and… and…"

"Padfoot, you're not going to go trampling on people with a flying motorbike," said Remus softly.

"That doesn't reassure me at all!" whined Sirius. "Nothing can!"

"Raine McKnight told me that she thinks you're a hot piece of burning…um… wood, and er…" Remus trailed off, unable to craft the lie he'd been working on.

Sirius snorted. "Ha. Yeah, right, Remus. You know I'm completely over Raine, and her and I have no chance of ever getting together. And besides. No one except you would come up with the phrase 'hot piece of burning wood'. Really, now."

"I was just trying to make you feel better…"

"Then try again! No, fine, just continue with the story." Sirius sighed and lay down on his stomach with his arms crossed.

"_Never occurred ter me what he was doin' there. I didn' know he'd bin Lily an' James's Secret-Keeper. Thought he'd jus' heard the news o' You-Know-Who's attack an' come ter see what he could do."_

"And that has to be it!" Sirius said desperately. "There can't have been any other way!"

"Except the way they suggested," Peter said.

Sirius let out a cry in anguish.

"But how could you! Prongs and Lily!" continued Peter. "I don't want to believe it, but what if it's true?"

Sirius growled.

"Wormtail, leave him alone," said Remus.

"_White an' shakin', he was. An' yeh know what I did? I COMFORTED THE MURDERIN' TRAITOR!" Hagrid roared._

"I'M NOT!" screamed Sirius. "Please, don't tell me that I am!"

"_Hagrid, please!" said Professor McGonagall. "Keep your voice down!"_

"_How was I ter know he wasn' upset abou' Lily an' James? It was You-Know-Who he cared abou'!"_

"It's not! I love Lily and James! I hate Voldemort!" cried Sirius.

"Stop saying that name!" Peter scolded, covering his ears.

"I don't care, I don't care anymore!" Sirius went on, banging the floor with a fist. "Make it end!"

"_An' then he says, 'Give Harry ter me, Hagrid, I'm his godfather, I'll look after him—' Ha! But I'd had me orders from Dumbledore, an' I told Black no, Dumbledore said Harry was ter go to his aunt an' uncle's. Black argued, but in the end he gave in. Told me ter take his motorbike ter get Harry there. 'I won't need it anymore,' he says._

"I shoulda known that there was somethin' fishy goin' on then. He loved that motorbike, what was he givin' it ter me for? Why wouldn' he need it anymore?"

"Because I don't need that cool bike if I have to live like this. I just want my charming innocence back!" Sirius said. "I would have looked after Harry, I would have cared for him, but no, even then Hagrid won't believe me!"

"_Fact was, it was too easy ter trace. Dumbledore knew he'd bin the Potters' Secret-Keeper. Black knew he was goin' ter have ter run fer it that night, knew it was a matter o' hours before the Ministry was after him._

"_But what if I'd given Harry to him, eh? I bet he'd've pitched him off the bike halfway out ter sea."_

James gasped loudly, staring in horror at nowhere in particular before his eyes flickered to Sirius on the floor.

"Don't tell me you believe that!" Sirius exclaimed. "I wouldn't! I swear it to you!"

"I'm not," James said, sounding as if it was difficult for him to say the words. "I'm just having a really bad mental picture of Harry dying, okay? And it's even worse because it involves you laughing and throwing him off a cliff!"

"How can you think that?" Sirius demanded.

"It's kind of hard not to now that Hagrid just suggested it!" James retorted. "I'm rather worried about my son here! I'm also in shock that you betrayed Lily and I!"

Sirius's face froze. "You believe it," he said.

"No… no," James said hastily. "It was just a reflex. An accident."

"Uh huh. I'm sure," said Sirius coldly.

"I didn't mean to, it was an accident!" James continued. "They've just thrown a whole bunch of information at us, and I'm trying to think where it all comes from! I mean, sure, you do have an abnormal amount of fun torturing people like Snivelly, but—"

"What, and you don't?" asked Sirius, sitting back up now. "Who was the one who said back in first year, 'Ooh, I think I'll stick out my foot and trip this greasy Slytherin! That sounds fun!'?"

"It may have been me, but that doesn't say anything! I wasn't the one who decided to kick him in the butt the next day!" yelled James.

"I told you, that one was an accident! I had something on my shoe!" Sirius yelled back.

"Well, if you're going to go to violent places to rid yourself of tiny annoyances…" James said.

"Oh!" hollered Sirius. "So now I've gone to violent places, have I?"

"Maybe you have, if you're going to murder THIRTEEN PEOPLE with ONE CURSE," James said, grinding his teeth. "I mean, what kind of spell is that, and where have you been around to go learn it?"

"I've probably been learning those spells in those VIOLENT PLACES that you keep insinuating I go to!" Sirius answered.

Peter, looking quite afraid, watched the argument in a trance, and Remus began timidly, "Perhaps we should just—"

"MUZZLE THAT SNOUT OF YOURS, MOONY, AND KEEP IT OUT OF PLACES IT DOESN'T BELONG!" shrieked Sirius. "DO YOU NOT SEE THAT JAMES AND I ARE HAVING A VERY IMPORTANT DISCUSSION ABOUT THE VIOLENT PLACES I'VE BEEN GOING TO THAT LEAD ME TO DO WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING?"

A cross line appeared between Remus's eyebrows and he bit his lip and said no more, but stared at Sirius, who was not looking at him but instead fiercely at James, who confidently returned the look.

"THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THE SOLUTION IS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO VIOLENT PLACES?" asked James.

"WHAT?" said Sirius.

"DON'T BE HARRY'S GODFATHER!" James screamed.

"FINE!" Sirius shouted back. "I WON'T! I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE, NOT IF HIS OWN FATHER DOESN'T THINK I'M WORTHY!"

"WELL… I DON'T!"

"FINE!"

"FINE THEN! AND DON'T BE MY BEST MAN!"

"I AM NO BEST MAN! I'M THE WORST MAN ALIVE, AND NOW WE ALL KNOW IT!" Sirius finished. He threw a look of daggers over at James and crossed his arms, but this time, James was not looking at him at all.

"Murderer," James mumbled.

Sirius opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again and came back with, "Loser."

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, and Remus had no idea what do, so by default he read the book, which didn't help the situation any.

"_His bes' friends' son! But when a wizard goes over to the Dark Side, there's nothin' and no one that matters to 'em anymore…"_

"No, there's not," James said.

"Touché," said Sirius.

_A long silence followed Hagrid's story. Then Madam Rosmerta said with some satisfaction, "But he didn't manage to disappear, did he? The Ministry of Magic caught up with him next day!"_

"_Alas, if only we had," said Fudge bitterly. "It was not we who found him. It was little Peter Pettigrew—"_

Before anyone else could react to this, Peter had shouted, "OH MY GOD, IT'S MY NAME! I'M MENTIONED IN THE STORY!" He looked so pleased with himself for being mentioned, even if it had taken ten chapters to get there. "Hooray! I'm in there! I'm not completely dead!"

"Yet," grumbled James.

"What, do you think I'm going to kill off Peter too?" asked Sirius.

"No! Don't do that! I only just got in the story!" Peter pleaded.

"If you want to carry on the pattern…" James said coolly.

"Well… this is all of us," said Remus. "This is… weird."

"That word has completely lost its meaning," said Sirius. "I don't even know the definition of it anymore."

"I wanna hear about me," said Peter. "Go on, Remus."

"_It was little Peter Pettigrew—"_

"That's me!" said Peter unnecessarily.

"Yes, it is," said Sirius in fake kindness. "Now shut up!"

"_It was little Peter Pettigrew— another of the Potters' friends. Maddened by grief, no doubt, and knowing that Black had been the Potters' Secret-Keeper, he went after Black himself."_

Sirius stared at him. "You did?"

Even Peter seemed surprised. "I did?"

"And you're going to do… what?" Sirius asked.

"Maybe you're going to attempt to take a leaf out of Padfoot's book," said James innocently.

"Stay out of this, James!" said Sirius.

"_Pettigrew… that fat little boy who was always tagging around after them at Hogwarts?" said Madam Rosmerta._

Peter was crestfallen. "That's awful."

"I'm sorry, Wormtail," said Remus. "But that's what it said in the book—"

"Exactly," said Peter. "And I don't know what's worse. The fact that Madam Rosmerta doesn't exactly remember me, the part where she called me fat, or the part where she says that I always tag around. Do I really?"

"Well, you probably should lay off the Cauldron Cakes like I told you to," Sirius said.

"No, not that part," Peter said. "The part where she says that I tag around. Do I really just tag around?"

"There's no doubt that you're… always loyally around," said Sirius.

"Always there when we need you," said James. "We know we can depend on you to be around when we want you."

"And even when we don't," said Sirius. He put his hand over his mouth. "Whoops, that came out wrong…"

Peter looked painfully rejected.

Sirius sighed. "Oh, not you too…"

"I'm not screaming at you. I'm just disappointed," said Peter. "I thought you guys liked me. And now I know you just think I'm an excess tag-a-long."

"No, we don't," said Remus. "You're very… useful."

"Useful at tagging-a-long, you mean," said Peter. "Thanks a lot. I hope I haven't been taking up too much of your time."

"No, we like you, we do," said James. "The only thing is that sometimes a person can see someone for so long that they get a bit… bored."

"Yeah. It's like how Ryanne and I were," said Sirius.

"I'm boring?" said Peter. "That's what you think?"

"You're not boring. You're Peter," said James.

"What's that mean?" Peter inquired.

"It means…" said Sirius. "It means… it means… it means let's just finish this stupid story now, so read, Moony."

"_Hero-worshipped Black and Potter," said Professor McGonagall._

"Hero-worshipped? That's how everyone sees me? Hero-worshipping?" Peter said. "I just like you guys a lot. I don't mean to hero-worship, if that's what annoys you…"

"No, it's not," said James. "There's something— or shall I say someone— else annoying me right now."

"And I believe I can say the same!" Sirius said, sneaking a glance at James.

"_Never quite in their league, talent-wise. I was often rather sharp with him. You can imagine how I— how I regret that now…" She sounded as though she had a sudden head cold._

"Yes, you were!" said Peter. "It's not my fault that I'm not as smart and I don't learn as quickly as everyone else does! But why are you regretting it now? You've seen the error of your ways?"

"_There, no, Minerva," said Fudge kindly, "Pettigrew died a hero's death."_

"Oh, noooo!" said Peter unhappily, and he too slumped down upon the floor. "I just got in the story, and now I'm dead! That was pointless! I don't wanna die! This isn't fair!"

"Welcome to the story, Wormtail!" said Sirius sarcastically. "In your free gift basket, you get a complementary guide to life and how it isn't fair!"

"But… but Fudge just said I'm a hero," said Peter, perking up some. "I've never been a hero before."

"_Eyewitnesses— Muggles, of course, we wiped their memories later— told us how Pettigrew cornered Black. They say he was sobbing, 'Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?' And then he went for his wand. Well, of course, Black was quicker. Blew Pettigrew to smithereens…"_

Peter had tears in his eyes now. "Sirius…" he said weakly, painfully. "You… you destroyed me."

"No," Sirius said, disbelievingly. "How… how could I?"

"Yes!" Peter said, and a tear fell down his face. "How could you? I've looked up to you all these years, and now… now you just kill me!"

"But… it's not possible," Sirius said. "I wouldn't… it's not…"

"Don't tell me that it can't happen!" Peter wailed. "Of course it can! First Lily and James, then those thirteen people, and now me! Of course it can! And you all the reason in the world to get rid of me! You don't like me at all as your friend!"

"Stop being ridiculous, I didn't say—"

Peter cut him off. "Yes, you did! Just now! I've admired you for as long as I've met you. 'Gee, what I would give to be like him' I'd think to myself. You have everything. Popularity, personality, charm, good looks, intelligence, luck with girls, and you could even be on the Quidditch team if you really wanted to! You were a role model. Sure. Maybe I did hero-worship you. And you would tease and make fun of me sometimes, just as you have been doing all day since we've been reading this book, but what did I care? I didn't. You considered me a friend, and that was all I cared about. That's all that mattered to me. That I, a worthless loser, had something to look up to, to be proud of. That someone as popular as you could ever think of being associated with a person who could never be cool or popular. And then we get here. And I find out the truth. You don't really like me. So why not kill me, Sirius? Why not? You can end all of my years of hero-worshipping right there! After all, they _annoy_ you so much!"

"Peter, I—"

"So don't worry, Sirius," said Peter coldly. "I completely understand why you would choose to murder me. But Lily and James! It— it just doesn't seem right!"

Sirius shook his head. "No, Peter, can't we just—?"

"Stop talking to me, Sirius!" said Peter. "I no longer consider it an honor to have you talk to me. I don't know why I looked up to your anymore. I guess it just goes to show you that the exterior isn't everything there is about a person." Peter turned away, and sat closer toward James.

"Fine! I don't want to talk to you, either!" Sirius said, after another stinging pause. "You're right! I don't need to be associated with you!"

_Professor McGonagall blew her nose and said thickly, "Stupid boy… foolish boy… he was always hopeless at dueling… should have left it to the Ministry…"_

"Look! Even Professor McGonagall has never believed in me!" said Peter miserably.

"Well… no offense, Peter, but really, you're not good at dueling," James told him.

"That's beside the point."

"_I tell yeh, if I'd got ter Black before little Pettigrew did, I wouldn't've messed around with wands— I'd've ripped him limb— from— limb," Hagrid growled._

Sirius gulped, wide eyed.

"_You don't know what you're talking about, Hagrid," said Fudge sharply. "Nobody but trained Hit Wizards from the Magical Law Enforcement Squad would have stood a chance against Black once he was cornered. I was Junior Minister in the Department of Magical Catastrophes at the time, and I was one of the first on the scene after Black murdered all those people. I— I will never forget it. I still dream about it sometimes. A crater in the middle of the street, so deep it had cracked the sewer below. Bodies everywhere. Muggles screaming. And Black standing there laughing, with what was left of Pettigrew in front of him… a heap of bloodstained robes and a few— a few fragments—"_

"Not exactly the stuff dreams are made out of," Sirius said quietly.

Peter gaped again. "Fragments? I'm a fragment! Oh, why? Why am I so completely destroyed?"

"I think you'd better be quiet, Wormtail, or someone might decide to do it sooner rather than later," James said.

"Shut up!" Sirius roared, picking up a spare dirty sock of James's from the floor and throwing it in the owner's face. "Leave off!"

_Fudge's voice stopped abruptly. There was the sound of five noses being blown._

"_Well, there you have it, Rosmerta," said Fudge thickly. "Black was taken away by twenty members of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad and Pettigrew received the Order of Merlin, First Class, which I think was some comfort to his poor mother. Black's been in Azkaban ever since."_

"Mum!" said Peter sadly. "What will she think? I won't be able to look at her the same way again! She's going to miss me so much!"

_Madam Rosmerta let out a long sigh._

"_Is it true he's mad, Minister?"_

"_I wish I could say that he was," said Fudge slowly. "I certainly believe his master's defeat unhinged him for a while. The murder of Pettigrew and all those Muggles was the action of a cornered and desperate man—cruel… pointless. Yet I met Black on my last inspection of Azkaban. You know, most of the prisoners in there sit muttering to themselves in the dark; there's no sense in them… but I was shocked at how normal Black seemed. He spoke quite rationally to me. It was unnerving. You'd have thought he was merely bored— asked if I'd finished with my newspaper, cool as you please, said he missed doing the crossword."_

"Well, it is a fun game," said Sirius. "And it's even more play when you don't have to be in _Azkaban_ doing it!"

"You brought this on yourself," James said. "Don't blame us."

"Who said I was?" said Sirius. "I was just making a comment!"

"Then keep your comments to yourself, because we don't care!"

"_Yes, I was astounded at how little effect the dementors seemed to be having on him— and he was one of the most heavily guarded in the place, you know. Dementors outside his door day and night."_

"It's probably some sort of Dark Magic," said Peter angrily. "The type you learn at violent places that teach you how to blow people to smithereens."

Sirius chose to say nothing.

"_But what do you think he's broken out to do?" said Madam Rosmerta. "Good gracious, Minister, he isn't trying to rejoin You-Know-Who, is he?"_

"_I daresay that is his— er— eventual plan," said Fudge evasively. "But we hope to catch Black long before that. I must say, You-Know-Who alone and friendless is one thing… but give him back his most devoted servant, and I shudder to think how quickly he'll rise again…"_

"Most devoted?" Sirius repeated. "I'll never…"

"That's what you say now," said James in a heartless tone. "But once you get to Harry now and throw him off that cliff, you'll probably help Voldemort get strong again too. And then— well, Remus, if I were you, I'd watch out, because maybe he wants to finish off the last of his ex-friends."

Sirius shook his head. "No," he turned to Remus. "No, Remus, please believe me. I don't want to kill you. I don't want to kill them. Them or anyone. You must understand, since you are… you know, you deal with this sort of thing…"

"I thought you wanted me to put a muzzle on my snout," said Remus quietly. "Am I allowed to speak now?"

Sirius blinked. "Oh— of course you are. Sorry, I… I wasn't thinking."

"Perhaps not," said Remus tonelessly.

"But Remus— you can't be mad at me, can you?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know what to believe anymore."

Sirius looked at him. "Believe me, Remus. Believe me."

"I don't want to believe in anything."

It wasn't a definite belief in Sirius's violence. But it wasn't a belief in his innocence either. Hurt from this, Sirius slumped away from his friend.

_There was a small chink of glass on wood. Someone had set down their glass._

"_You know, Cornelius, if you're dining with the headmaster, we'd better head back up to the castle," said Professor McGonagall._

_One by one, the pairs of feet in front of Harry took the weight of their owners once more; hems of cloaks swung into sight, and Madam Rosmerta's glittering heels disappeared behind the bar._

"Bye…" said Peter quietly.

_The door of the Three Broomsticks opened again, there was another flurry of snow, and the teachers had disappeared._

"_Harry?"_

_Ron's and Hermione's faces appeared under the table. They were both staring at him, lost for words._

"And so concludes Chapter Ten," said Remus.

"You know, I thought I'd really like that chapter from the name," said Sirius. "But I didn't."

"Well, neither did I," said James.

"Nor I," said Peter.

No one said anything now, they all snuck glances at each other and then would quickly avert their eyes.

"So… so now what?" said Peter finally. "What do we do now? I'm not sure if I feel… _safe_ in this room."

Sirius made a roar of rage. "I'm going in the corner!" he announced and stood up, walked to the other side of the room, and did just that.

"If I had a dog, I'd stick you in the doghouse right now," James said. "But, regrettably, I don't. Why don't you just do us all a favor and leave? Especially since you don't want to be here right now, and we don't want you here either!"

"Because!" Sirius answered harshly, curled in the corner with his arms folded over his knees. "I… I just… I can't."

"Which makes no sense to me," said James. "So fine. Sit there. Piss off. Just make sure you don't dirty up the carpet."

Sirius shot him a nasty look. James gave him one in return.

It appeared as though this time their friendship had really ended for good.


	13. Chapter 11 Part One

**A/N:** Hey everyone. Long time no update, eh? All right, so for those of you who didn't check the occasional author's notes I left on my profile page, here's the deal with why I was gone so long. Basically, I got quite busy with school and musicals and whatnot, and then in the summer, I realized I just needed to take some time off because I had so much going on. So instead of having this whole big writing summer like I had thought about last spring, I just took a break. But I did promise that I'd update this before the end of the year. Which means I'm updating this today, since right after Christmas I'm going out of the country and won't be back 'til after the new year.  
So. Not exactly as long as my halves of chapters usually are, but hey, it's something. Hope you all don't hate me or anything.  
Have a happy holiday and a Happy New Year! (Momentary break as I burst into "Happy New Year" from the show Rent). And let's celebrate for hearing the title of Book 7! Yay:D

* * *

Sirius was staring moodily at the corner; his back turned directly at the other three boys. James and Peter wouldn't have noticed this, for they were too busy glowering. Remus tentatively looked up from the floor to James and Peter.

"Again… I'm just going to reinstate the idea that we can stop reading the book. I mean, look at how much trouble it's been. We could just end it all now."

"Trouble?" Peter asked, astonished. "I actually think it's been very useful, don't _you?"_

"Well… yes, I suppose it has been," Remus said, and he thought he heard Sirius make a sound in the corner. "But now I guess we know what we need to know, and we can just stop. Besides, I've never seen you two so interested in a book. I'm starting to wonder if this has all been some sort of dream."

Sirius looked over his shoulder. "Nightmare, that's what I'd call it."

The three boys ignored him.

"I would completely stop reading in a second," James said. "As far as I'm concerned, now we know the reason for this thing appearing in my room. To prove to Lily that she and I are destined to be…" He gave a dreamy sigh. "And, of course… the results of some other relationships…" He chanced a glance in the corner before going on. "But, one of my most important questions has still not been answered."

Peter blinked. "What question is that?"

"Who is going to win the Quidditch House Cup?" James exploded. "Not to mention a few other things, like if Snivellus will drown in the lake or something…"

Peter giggled at this idea.

"So just get reading, then," James instructed.

"Well… If you say so," said Remus. "_Chapter Eleven. The-_ oh no. What's this? How can this be?" He blinked a few times to be sure he was reading the name of the chapter correctly. "What is wrong with this world?"

"A lot of things," muttered Sirius quietly to himself.

"Why does this book not understand how bad things will be if I announce what this chapter is called?" Remus asked no one in particular.

"Why, what is it called?" Peter asked. " 'The Day That Severus Snape Drowned in a Lake'?"

"Yeah! Good title!" agreed James.

"No…" said Remus slowly.

James looked thoughtful. " 'How Harry Potter Became an Emotionally Troubled Child Because of What He Found Out In the Previous Chapter'?"

"No, not that…" said Remus.

" 'The Misunderstanding of Sirius Black and his Miraculous Innocence'?" Sirius suggested hopefully.

Again, James and Peter's ears conveniently went deaf. Remus, though, slowly turned and looked at Sirius. "No," he answered simply.

Sirius scowled and turned back to the corner.

"What is it?" James nearly screamed at Remus.

"Er… uh…. Um… I'm not telling you!" said Remus finally. "I just won't tell you, and we'll read this book like normal people, and—"

"Too late for that," James said, snatching the book from Remus's hands while he wasn't paying attention.

James read the title. "HOLY FIREBOLTS!" he screamed. "THE CHAPTER IS CALLED _THE FIREBOLT_. YES! YES! I MUST NOT BE SO DELUSIONAL AFTER ALL! THE PLOT OF THIS CHAPTER MUST REVOLVE AROUND A FIREBOLT SOMEHOW! YES! I'M RIGHT!"

Peter had dug his head into his pillow. "Do you think you could be a little less loud next time?" he asked with his voice muffled.

"Sorry," said James, an enormous grin spread across his face. "But I was right. Harry must get a Firebolt now! After all, this book is in Harry's perspective, and the chapter titles have always related to him before!"

"Yeah… well… maybe it's not his Firebolt!" said Remus.

James scoffed at this. "What do you mean it's not his Firebolt? Who else would it belong to?"

"I don't know… Malfoy?"

"MALFOY!" James roared. "HE IS NOT GOING TO HAVE A BETTER BROOMSTICK THAN MY SON, DO YOU HEAR ME! NO! THAT FIREBOLT BELONGS TO _HARRY!_ AND YOU WON'T TELL ME OTHERWISE!"

"I wasn't really trying to," said Remus. "I just don't want you to be so excited about this that we have to take you to St. Mungo's, and then it turns out that it wasn't even Harry's Firebolt to begin with."

"Don't crush a man's dreams, Moony. That's just wrong."

"No, yelling like that is," said Peter. "I don't know if my eardrums will ever be the same."

_Harry didn't have a very clear idea of how he had managed to get back into the Honeydukes cellar, through the tunnel, and into the castle once more. All he knew was that the return trip seemed to take no time at all, and that he hardly noticed what he was doing, because his head was still pounding with the conversation he just heard._

"Oh, I've felt like that," said James. "Although it was for more _innocent_ and _happy_ reasons," he added, throwing heavy emphasis on 'innocent' and 'happy'.

"Why's that?" asked Peter.

"I was walking in the hall one day and Lily Evans said…" James cleared his throat. "_Hi_."

There was a snort from the corner. Peter looked excited. "When was this, Prongs? You didn't tell me!"

"Uh… it was first year," James admitted sheepishly. "You know, before she really decided to hate me… And I did tell you, Wormtail. But you must've forgotten again."

_Why had nobody ever told him? Dumbledore, Hagrid, Mr. Weasley, Cornelius Fudge… why hadn't anyone ever mentioned the fact that Harry's parents had died because their best friend had betrayed them?_

"Because they're all idiots!" cried James. "Harry needed to know that information! We all did!"

"Exactly," Peter chimed in.

"Don't talk about Dumbledore like that!" Remus snapped. "Along with Hagrid and Mr. Weasley! I'm sure they all had a good reason not to tell Harry!"

"Yeah? What's that?" James asked hotly.

"Well…" began Remus. "Well… well… look at us! We're sixteen years old, and look at the way we're handling this situation! And look at poor Harry! He's speechless as it is, and he's only thirteen!"

"Are you saying that because of Harry's age he's less able to cope with this sort of news?" James said. "That doesn't mean anything! How old were you when you were bitten? Five? And you've coped with it enough by now!"

"James, do you even remember anything about how I was like in first year?" Remus asked.

"Yeah!" James replied defensively. "You were… you were… shorter. And not a prefect. And… not yet Moony. And uh… not on the Quidditch team. Which, you still aren't, but that's okay, because you can't really play Quidditch too well, and…er…"

Remus looked at him shrewdly. "You don't remember, do you?"

"That's okay," said Peter. "Because _I_ remember what you were like."

"I do, too," mumbled Sirius from the corner.

"Okay," said James. "So you acted different. All of us did. What's your point?"

Remus sighed. "Look. When I first came to Hogwarts I was… afraid. I so feared that I wouldn't be good enough. And not just academically, but socially as well. And no, not in that way, Sirius!"

Sirius turned around. "What? I didn't say anything!"

"Oh," Remus said, realizing this. "Right, you didn't. Erm, it was out of habit. Never mind, then."

Sirius turned back to his corner. Remus went on.

"The point is, if it hadn't been for you all, things would've turned out differently, and I don't think I'd have been who I am now. Maybe I'd have been the same. Or worse. And if Harry had learned all of these things about his past a long time ago, it would have changed who he is now. They'll have their reasons. They always do."

James considered this, but said, "I still don't understand about Fudge. He's such a crumpet licker."

"I never said that Fudge had a reason. He seems a bit odd," Remus said.

"And I still don't think that Dumbledore, Hagrid, and Mr. Weasley had any reasons," said James. "They should have told him, and I don't care what you say, Moony."

"All right. Think what you must."

_Ron and Hermione watched Harry nervously all through dinner, not daring to talk about what they'd overheard, because Percy was sitting close by them._

"Stupid Percy!" said James. "If he wasn't there, then Harry could talk about it, if he wanted! But no, Percy would just take away house points and give him detention! Why can't Percy be more like Moony and go with the flow and let things go?"

"Well… because…" said Remus, struggling. It was only too true that he wasn't exactly the world's best prefect, and cut his friends a lot of slack that they used to their advantage. "Because… well… Well, I'm really going to be more responsible about it this year! Don't think you'll get off so easy!"

"We don't have to think, we _know_ that we'll get off easy. Because you're a prefect. And we—" James grabbed Peter "— are your best _two_ friends ever. Isn't that right, Moony?"

"Yeah, isn't that right?" echoed Peter. He and James both stared at Remus.

"Well, I mean, there's no doubt about it that you are both my friends…" he said, trying for the easy way out.

"But how about your _best_ _two _friends?" James pressed.

"Definitely good friends of mine… you know, Marauders and all…" Remus said.

"Yeah, I guess," said James. "Moony, Wormtail, Prongs. M.W.P. Many Weird People. Or something. I guess it fits."

"You've forgotten the other P," Remus noted.

"What other 'P'?" James asked.

Remus nearly laughed at him. "You know… 'P' for 'Padfoot'?"

"What's a Padfoot?" said James blankly.

Remus didn't believe this. "Don't tell me that now you're once again ignoring who… who Sirius is?"

"I don't know a Padfoot or a Sirius," said James. "But if I did, I'd be sure to make sure that they were a nice, murder-free, non-son-killing person." There was tense pause, and then he added cheerily, "But lucky for me, you and Wormtail are nice, murder-free, non-son-killing people, so let's get a move on in the story, hmm?"

"Good idea," said Peter.

Remus looked at him. "And… you're not being a messenger or anything? You're just sitting here and listening?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Moony," said Peter. "Like Prongs, I like to be the company of nice, murder-free, non-son-killing people. Wait a minute. I don't have a son. In which case I like to be in the company of nice, murder-free, non-people-killing people. Wait, that didn't make sense. I like to be in the company of nice, murder-free, non-me-killing people. Or maybe that was too specific. I like—"

"All right, all right, you've just ruined it now!" James cried. "Next section in the book, Moony!"

_When they went upstairs to the crowded common room, it was to find Fred and George had set off half a dozen Dungbombs in a fit of end-of-term high spirits._

"Does it mean that they set them off in the common room?" Peter asked. "Or somewhere else? I hope it's not the common room. Otherwise it would really smell, and that wouldn't make any sense. Because how would you celebrate if the room you were in was all smelly? Unless it was just one area where you could trap people in or make them die of the smell or something…"

James rolled his eyes. "And then we thought it was Moony who was too analytical. But you know something? That's a good idea, Wormtail! I wonder if there's any Dungbombs hidden somewhere in the room…." He turned his head looking around his room, and then dove under his bed to look.

"Don't. You. Dare," Remus told his back.

"Why, what's wrong with it?" James's voice said from under the bed. "Ruining the fun again? It's a good idea; I thought you might like it! You know, Siri—" Both James's voice and body stopped moving for a second. Sirius glanced over at James's body under the bed. "That is to say," James went on, "serious _people_ are…erm… the opposite of fun people. Yes. So, er…"

While James was preoccupied and Peter was playing with his sock for some strange reason as well as watching James, Sirius looked over at Remus and simply mouthed, "Fun-sucker."

Remus glared at him and mouthed, "_You'll_ get something sucked if you don't stop it." Which, come to think of it, didn't really work because that was too long a phrase, and secondly, the phrase made Remus mentally bang his brain against a wall because it had contained some unintended innuendo.

Sirius smirked, apparently having been able to understand long, mouthed phrases. He and James had probably done this all the time anyway. "Who knew that you were actually capable of speaking so much with so little?" he mouthed.

"And who knew that you kept a dictionary of secret innuendos inside your brain!" Remus mouthed back. "Which, I may add, it was _not_ an innuendo, and just a response at your stupid word of the day! I was talking about your soul!"

"You've yet to learn the art of mouthing. You're saying too much," Sirius mouthed at him. "I guess I'll have to teach you some day…"

"What are you talking about? You're saying as much as I am now!"

"Not saying, dear Moony. Mouthing. There's a clear difference. The way you speak without having to say a word. Mouthing."

Remus mentally groaned. He was so lucky right now that Peter was so interested in socks (he was now looking at some of James's random ones on the floor that James hadn't bothered to put away) and that James was too busy searching for Dungbombs under his bed.

"…and so I guess you're in luck because I can't find any under here anyway," James was saying. "Ew, what's this nasty old thing? Hey, it looks like a Quaffle! No… it's one of those Quaffle cupcakes we made a while ago… That sure looks interesting… Ooh, what's this over here?"

Sirius sniggered quietly to himself. "Idiots," he muttered. He looked at Remus to see if he mirrored this opinion.

"I'm supposed to be hating you right now," Remus continued in the mouthed conversation.

Sirius looked very petulant. "Oh. Well. If you're _supposed_ to…"

"No, it's not that I'm supposed to. It's that… well, you know."

"No, I don't. If you hate me then you hate me and it's simple as that. Do you hate me?"

"Hate is a very strong word…"

"There are many strong words in the world. Do you hate me?"

"I think this is really such an assertive thing to ask…"

"Stop beating around the Flutterbye shrub, Remus! Do you or do you not hate me?"

"I…"

"Oh, Lily! You beautiful flower! What are you doing here, of all places?" said James from under the bed.

"Hey!" Peter said, throwing all of James socks back over his shoulder so as not to be caught with them. "What's Lily doing under your _bed_? I thought she didn't like you! And she's been here all along? Think of what she's heard! Think of—oh, not fair! Lily would have seen me half-naked! Oh! And how would she survive under there anyway, if you're finding Quaffle cupcakes and old shirts and Quidditch diagrams and junk…"

"No, dummy, it's a candid picture of her," James answered, sliding back out from under the bed. "I forgot I had this from fourth year. And it's probably thanks to you that she's hiding right now."

"Really? I would have thought she'd be hiding because she realized that her picture was under _your_ bed, and that at the moment you were too," said Peter.

"Shut up," James said, throwing a sock at him. "But," he added in a very staged voice, "Just because I throw socks at you does not me that I do not like you as a friend. On the contrary! You're my vice-best friend!"

"Vice?" Peter complained. "What about first and foremost!"

"You are a very important part of my friendship bond," said James. "See, in the event that Remus can't perform all his official best friend duties, then you get to do them. Best friends. Yep."

Remus felt rather uncomfortable about James now naming him his official best friend. He looked to Sirius, but he was back to his corner.

_Harry, who didn't want Fred and George asking him whether he'd reached Hogsmeade or not, sneaked quietly up to the empty dormitory and headed straight for his bedside cabinet. He pushed his books aside and quickly found what he was looking for— the leather-bound photo album Hagrid had given him two years ago, which was full of wizard picture of his mother and father._

"Another rembrant of Harry's two deceased parents!" said James quite emotionally. "At least he knows what I look like, then. And Lily too. So now he'll know where he got that fantastic hair of his from… hmm, I wonder what pictures are in there? And how they got there? Moony, if any of those blackmail pictures of yours are in there, I think I'll kill you. You don't still have those pictures from my sixteenth birthday party, do you?"

"Of course I don't," Remus said, looking around the room.

"You're lying," James stated. "You're such a bad liar, Remus. Sorry, but it's so obviously true. You need to destroy all those blackmail pictures. But I guess it's Peter that I really need to worry about. Especially when you have too much Firewhisky and then run around with a camera. I mean, how many pictures of my arse did you take?"

"I did not!" said Peter defensively.

"Yeah, you did. I remember," said James. "I remember that half of your pictures were out of focus or from some random angles, and then at least a quarter of them were of people's body parts."

"Well… well… then don't give me the camera!" said Peter.

"You brought your own camera," James reminded him.

"Oh, yeah…"

"Well, anyway…"

_He sat down on his bed, drew the hangings around him, and started turning the pages, searching, until…_

"Harry cried and cried because of how beautiful his mother and father were together, and of course, because he missed them a lot," said James. "I really wish I could see those pictures," he sighed. "And Lily too. It's proof. It would prove to her that we're destined for each other. Because I really hate it when people destined to be together won't get together! Hmm… Maybe I could magic our pictures together or something… oh, I don't know."

_He stopped on a picture of his parents' wedding day._

"This is the exact type of picture I need!" James cried. "If anything will prove to Lily that we're destined to be together, it'll be our wedding picture!"

"I actually think she'd be quite scared if you showed her that," said Remus.

"Or she might laugh again. Because don't you remember when you tried making that wedding picture and it came out horrible?" Peter said.

"Hey!" James snapped. "It's not my fault that I can't draw people! Quidditch balls and doodles are fine, but not everyone is gifted and talented at drawing people!"

_There was his father waving up at him, beaming—_

"Hi, Harry!" James interrupted, waving at the book happily.

—_the untidy black hair Harry had inherited standing up in all directions._

"Yep. That's the Potter hair," James said proudly.

_There was his mother, alight with happiness, arm and arm with his dad._

James pointed and hollered, "Aha! There! Proof! She's 'alight with happiness'. And she's holding my arm. So therefore, she _must_ be happy about marrying me!"

"Oh, poor Lily," Remus said. "Not to crush your dreams, James, as I am very happy though shocked about you and Lily, but I am imagining the look on her face if she was hearing this right now…"

"Good idea!" said James, jumping up. "We should tell her." He ran over to his very unorganized desk. The desk made sense to him, though, because he reached under a pile of Quidditch books and came out with a piece of parchment.

"Don't tell her about this!" Remus cried anxiously. "Who knows what could happen? What if we're not supposed to tell anyone about this?"

"And what if the way to change our destiny lies on this letter to Evans?" James said shrewdly, staring Remus down.

"Well… I… oh, fine, all right. Write. But don't blame me if she laughs at you."

"I think it's a good idea," said Peter. "What are you going to write, Prongs?"

James grabbed a quill and began writing. "_Dear Evans._ No, wait, she doesn't like that. _Dearest Evans._ Eh, a little better. _My dearest darling Lily_. Hmm. That's nice. Yes. _My dearest darling Lily. How has your summer been? I hope it has been fun, mine has. Today I was hanging around with Siri-_ uh." There was the sound of a quill scratching something out. "_Today I was hanging around with Remus and Peter, and you will not believe what happened. We began to read a book. Yes. A book, Evans! Now you may say 'I bet it's about Quidditch' but guess what? It's not! Well, not directly. It is the most wonderful story about the most wonderful son that you and I will have after our wonderful marriage, which this book says there are pictures of. Yes, our beautiful son Harry, who will have my hair and your eyes, is looking at our wedding picture right now. Of course, we're sort of dead, but I'm pretty sure I've already figured out what to do, so don't worry about dying. I hope you're having a great summer. Oh. And maybe you, me, next Saturday night? Hmm? What do you say? Yes, right? You know that you'd like to say 'yes'. So say it. Say 'yes'. And send your owl flying back to me with a song in its beak and a dream in your heart. Wait. If the owl has a note in its beak, then it can't hold a song too. Oh well. Just say yes! Love, James"_

James grinned and folded the letter up. "There. A masterpiece. But I'll have to go get my owl later to send it."

"I think it would be better if you didn't ask her out in the letter too," Peter said. "She might take it more seriously."

"And that, Peter, is why you don't have a girlfriend right now."

"You don't either!"

"It's only a matter of time. Believe me," James said, looking as if he really wanted to reassure himself of this. He slipped the letter into his pocket and sat back down.

_And there… that must be him. Their best man… Harry had never given him a thought before._

Over in the corner, Sirius raised his head off his arms a little.

_If he hadn't known it was the same person, he would have never guess it was Black in this old photograph. His face wasn't sunken and waxy, but handsome, full of laughter._

"At least I still look good there if I'm going to be ugly later," Sirius mumbled to himself.

_Had he already been working for Voldemort when this picture had been taken?_

"Probably," James said airily.

"No," Sirius said crossly from his corner.

_Was he already planning the deaths of the two people next to him?_

"I bet so!" James said, with more power in his voice.

"No!" Sirius's voice cracked out.

_Did he realize he was facing twelve years in Azkaban, twelve years that would make him unrecognizable?_

"Of course he didn't!" James said accusingly.

"No, no, no, _no!_" Sirius yelled, and his voice was still breaking. "Please, Moony. Make this stop. I don't want to hear about any of this."

"I'm sorry, does anyone hear anyone speaking?" James said. The emotion in Sirius's voice was deaf to James, who was stubborn in his beliefs and refused to change them.

"I hear _you_," Peter offered.

"Yeah… that must be it," James decided.

"It's always the same old routine with you people," said Remus.

"And _you_," Sirius added. "You may say that we complain all the time and act stupid, but you do the same thing every time. You call us stupid and make us feel ashamed of ourselves and then feel bad about it and then just read on or whatever you're doing to avoid it."

It was true. Remus bit his tongue. "No, I don't," he answered defensively.

"Well, you don't have to listen to me. After all, you said you didn't want to believe anything," Sirius pointed out bitterly. "I was just making a point. Go on, then. Read. See no Sirius, hear no Sirius, speak to no Sirius."

Remus sighed and continued reading.

_But the dementors don't affect him, Harry thought, staring into the handsome, laughing face. He doesn't have to hear my mum screaming if they get too close—_

James was shuddering at this. It had to be heart breaking to hear about your wife screaming as she died. It had to be horrible to hear your son thinking about it. And it had to be unbearable to hear how your ex-best friend was responsible for it and would never have to think about it again.

It had to be painful to be the one who was responsible for all this mess, and was trapped in this room to hear about it with nowhere to go, and with so much to say but nothing that he could.

_Harry slammed the album shut, reached over and stuffed it back into his cabinet, took off his robe and glasses and got into bed, making sure the dormitory hangings were hiding him from view._

_The dormitory door opened._

"_Harry?" said Ron's voice uncertainly._

_But Harry lay still, pretending to be asleep. He heard Ron leave again, and rolled over on his back, eyes wide open._

_A hatred such as he had never known before was coursing through Harry like poison._

"That's too eerily descriptive," James commented, shuddering a bit more. "It's like I can just see my son being contaminated. Of course, I got the same feeling after meeting Snivellus, but poor Harry has been poisoned already now."

"It sounds like Harry hates Ron," said Peter.

"What?" said James. "No, he hates that- that- big mean murdering person. That's who."

"I'm so thrilled that we're all big boys who know decent insults," mocked Sirius.

_He could see Black laughing at him through the darkness, as though somebody had pasted the picture from the album over his eyes._

James immediately yelled out a complaint about the hazards of gluing pictures to eyelids, and commented on how Harry was now doomed to have nightmares day and night. Remus once again had to explain the meaning of 'metaphor'.

_He watched, as though somebody was playing him a piece of film—_

"Forget _Cauldron of Black Terror._ That's officially the scariest film now," James announced.

— _Sirius Black was blasting Peter Pettigrew—_

Peter trembled once more.

— _(who resembled Neville Longbottom)—_

"What?" Peter interjected. "Why do I have to look like Neville?"

"Because I guess Harry hasn't seen a picture of you," said Remus.

"There are probably some similarities," Sirius muttered.

— _into a thousand pieces._

Peter made a violent shiver. "Oh, that sounds so terrible!" he whined. "I… I can't stand thinking of this! It sounds bad enough when you read it! I agree, this _is_ the scariest horror film!"

_He could hear (though having no idea what Black's voice might sound like) a low, excited mutter. "It has happened, My Lord… the Potters have made me their Secret-Keeper…"_

"Never. Not now," James breathed.

_And then came another voice, laughing shrilly, the same laugh that Harry heard inside his head whenever the dementors drew near…_

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up," said James. "Who do you suppose that is? It's not Lily. It can't be me. I doubt it's you two. And if they're talking to Voldemort, then I guess it can't be…. Hmm…" The answer dawned on him, and he stared shrewdly over at Sirius with contempt. "Gee. I wonder who thinks this is so incredibly funny?"

Sirius could feel James's eyes on the back of his head, and answered, "You'd better not be talking about me. Because I'm not laughing."

James wrinkled his nose and turned back to the book.

"_Harry, you— you look terrible."_

_Harry hadn't gotten to sleep until daybreak._

"Great," James moaned. "Now Harry is going to look bad and not be able to concentrate. Thanks a lot, nightmare. Thanks for helping to ruin my son's life again. Can't you just leave him alone?"

_He had awoken to find the dormitory deserted, dressed, and gone down the spiral staircase to a common room that was completely empty except for Ron, who was eating a Peppermint Toad and massaging his stomach, and Hermione, who had spread her homework over three tables._

"Three tables?" Peter repeated in disbelief. "How does she manage that? Either she just likes a lot of room to put stuff on, or she has so much homework that she needs that much room."

"Wormtail, it was the second one," James said.

"I know that," Peter answered. "I was being sarcastic."

"Oh. Then it wasn't very g— I mean, I knew that."

"Isn't she very dedicated?" Remus commented, rather admiringly. "I wonder how she does it."

"Yeah. Wouldn't we all like to know?" Peter said. "Taking that many classes is just dumb. There's no way you can do that."

"_Where is everyone?" said Harry._

"About to pop out of the chairs with a nice and happy surprise party for you, hopefully," James said, though not actually intending that to happen.

"_Gone! It's the first day of the holidays, remember?" said Ron, watching Harry closely. "It's nearly lunchtime; I was going to come and wake you in a minute."_

"That's nice of Ron," said James. "This is just what Harry needs. To relax during the holidays. Especially if he's going to have those nightmares all the time."

_Harry slumped into a chair near the fire. Snow was still falling outside the windows. Crookshanks was spread out in front of the fire like a large, ginger rug._

"Except he has a head. And a tail. And the other feline features," said Peter. "Crookshanks just better hope that he doesn't make such a convincing rug, otherwise someone might step on him. Though actually, if he's going to continue chasing rats, that might not be such a bad idea," he added thoughtfully.

"_You really don't look well, you know," Hermione said, peering anxiously into his face._

"_I'm fine," said Harry._

James smiled. "Brave little son. No, Harry, of course you're not fine! You just found out why your parents are dead! Tell Hermione just to leave you alone and get back to her three tables of homework!"

"I'm sure she'd much rather take time out of her work for the purpose of making sure her friend was all right," Remus said.

"Yeah, well, you sound like you wouldn't mind three tables of homework," James said.

"What's that have to do with anything? And just for the record, no, I do not."

"I don't know… it's good that people are concerned about Harry, but I think he needs some personal space or something."

"_Harry, listen," said Hermione, exchanging a look with Ron, "you must be really upset about what we heard yesterday."_

"Whoa, really? No way!" mocked James. "What an idea!"

"_But the thing is, you mustn't go doing anything stupid"_

"Like what?" asked James.

Remus shook his head. "This father-son thing is really becoming quite freaky. Once Harry goes about pulling pranks in his invisibility cloak, nicking food from the kitchens, and romancing a red-head, I'll know the likeness goes beyond the looks."

"_Like what?" said Harry._

"_Like trying to go after Black," said Ron sharply._

"What?" Sirius span around from the corner, looking interested, but remaining firmly in the corner and keeping his distance.

"That _is_ stupid!" commented James. "You can't do that! I'm your father and I'm telling you 'no'! Don't make me ground you, Harry!"

Remus bit at his lip a little and lightly commented. "Oh, I'm so glad you're once again aware of how the subjects in this book aren't able to hear us."

_Harry could tell they had rehearsed this conversation while he had been asleep. He didn't say anything._

"I guess that shows they're really protective of Harry," said Peter. "It's a good thing Harry has such good friends."

"_You won't, will you, Harry?" said Hermione._

"_Because black's not worth dying for," said Ron._

Sirius swallowed, and James said firmly, "No, he's not."

_Harry looked at them. They didn't seem to understand at all._

"_D'you know what I see and hear every time a dementor gets too near me?" Ron and Hermione shook their heads, looking apprehensive. "I can hear my mum screaming and pleading with Voldemort. And if you'd heard your mum screaming like that, just about to be killed, you wouldn't forget it in a hurry. And if you found out someone who was supposed to be a friend of hers betrayed her and sent Voldemort after her—"_

Sirius gulped again, shaking his head. James, meanwhile, was looking more furious by the second.

"Look at that. Look how affected and upset Harry's become!" he said. "I wish there was something I could do."

"Maybe you shouldn't marry Lily," suggested Peter.

"Not marry Lily?" repeated James, looking at Peter as though he'd just suggested that he go and destroy the world's stock of Firebolts. "What kind of idea is that? Are you stupid, Peter?"

Peter frowned. "No." He then added, "If you don't marry Lily, then you won't have Harry and then maybe this won't happen."

This interesting thought ran around the room, causing each boy to think about it intently.

"No," James finally said. "Because even if Harry isn't there, Lily might get killed anyway. And other _things_ will still be happening. I just don't think this is the answer. It's got to be something else."

"_There's nothing you can do!" said Hermione, looking stricken. "The dementors will catch Black and he'll go back to Azkaban and— and serve him right!"_

Sirius opened his mouth quickly, looking very much as though he wanted to argue with this sentence, but he closed his mouth, shaking his head, and kept quiet.

"Yeah!" Peter cheered, and Sirius threw him an unnoticed death glare from the corner. "Harry'll see. Once somebody's back in prison, then Harry will feel a lot better."

"Yeah, maybe, but I'm still going to be _dead_, you know," James pointed out. "How can he feel any better then?"

"I didn't say he'd feel completely better, I just said he'd feel better," said Peter vaguely. "You know, like— yeah. Well, you know what I mean!"

"Erm… no?" Remus asked, peering at Peter for some more clarification.

"Uh… well. Now I sort of forgot what I meant. But I was just thinking that Harry could be a little more relieved, even though he'd still be sad," said Peter.

"_You heard what Fudge said. Black isn't affected by Azkaban like normal people are. It's not a punishment for him like it is for the others."_

"Which isn't something that happens a lot," James said skeptically. "Makes you wonder about why that's happening…"

"Oh, why, because now you're off thinking that I'm doing some kind of special dark magic to get rid of those effects since I'm so _evil_?" Sirius snapped, turning roughly from his corner.

Instead of choosing to ignore him, James responded. "Maybe! I mean, can _you_ name anyone who isn't affected? Bet not. And if you could, then what would be your natural guess as to why they're resisting? Dark arts, that's what! Which already doesn't seem to be much of a problem considering your family history and all."

"You leave those people out of this," Sirius snarled, his face full of rage.

"Come off of it, I bet inside you're thanking them."

"As if I'd thank them for anything!"

"You're just happy that you're unharmed by the dementors!" James cried.

"I'm — well, yes, I'd be—"

"Aha!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Aha _what_?"

Not seeming to know exactly where he was going with this, James just scoffed and shook his head. "Never mind. Just get back to that corner where you belong. You might be having a little victory party over there, but the rest of us are worried and wondering why this is happening!"

Sirius gave a little laugh in disbelief. "Have I been happy about _any_ of this stuff? Of course not. And there you go again, James. Speaking for everyone else."

Ignoring the first part, James said, "I'm only speaking for them 'cause I'm right."

Sirius looked at Remus and Peter, both of whom had been watching the two intently as they bickered and keeping quiet as possible into the background.

"Oh. Well…" began Remus.

"I'm sure that if you were able to take this from a… er… different point of view…" said Peter.

Sirius had begun pursing his lips and narrowing his eyebrows at them.

"It's only natural that we'd be extremely curious about this discrepancy with Azkaban and wonder how it came about," Remus said. "Not that we're blaming you," he added quickly.

"What?" James said, his head snapping to Remus. "Of course we're blaming him! That's the whole point! Maybe you've gotten really passive from reading for hours, but if you haven't noticed, there's something really sneaky and fishy going on and it's all coming from that mutt in the corner."

"Look! You're trying to speak for everyone else again!" Sirius said, throwing his hand up. "Maybe Remus just doesn't want to blame me! You can't make him blame me if he doesn't want to!"

"But he's all for going with reason and whatnot!" James said. "If he's going to use reason, then he'd be blaming you right now!"

"Erm, I'd rather just keep out of this discussion at the moment," Remus said.

"But aren't you concerned about anything at all, Remus?" asked James, looking at him with disbelief. "Aren't you worried about what's happening in the future?"

Remus paused. "Which is why I want to keep reading this book?"

"You kept saying that you didn't want to read it anymore, though," Peter reminded him.

"Oh, so do you want to stop?" Remus asked.

"No! I told you a bunch of times."

Sirius let out an audible sigh of annoyance.

"_So what are you saying?" said Ron, looking very tense. "You want to— to kill Black or something?"_

"_Don't be silly," said Hermione in a panicky voice. "Harry doesn't want to kill anyone, do you, Harry?"_

James rubbed at his neck. "You know, I'm mixed on how I feel about that. I certainly wouldn't mind a few people rid of. Snape… Malfoy…"

"James!" Remus snapped.

"Oh come on, I know deep down you want them dead too."

"They definitely have their moments of crossing the line, and while I might _feel_ that way, you couldn't possibly actually want them dead," Remus said.

"Sometimes people just cross the line too far."

_Again, Harry didn't answer. He didn't know what he wanted to do. All he knew was that the idea of doing nothing, while Black was at liberty, was almost more than he could stand._

Sirius snorted at the use of 'liberty'.

"Something funny over there? The idea of my poor tormented son?" James asked.

"No. Just the idea again that my position is being made to sound so good."

"_Malfoy knows," he said abruptly. "Remember what he said to me in Potions? 'If it were me, I'd hunt him down myself… I'd want revenge'."_

James gaped. "That— argh! How did that little snot find out?"

Peter shrugged. "I bet he'd make sure he could find out anything anyway possible."

"_You're going to take Malfoy's advice instead of ours?" said Ron furiously._

"Well… the idea of it doesn't exactly sound too bad…" James mumbled.

"James…" Remus started quietly.

"What? Harry isn't entitled to do what he wants?"

"What happened to not letting him go out looking?" Remus asked. "Since when are you all with Malfoy's advice?"

"A man's thoughts can change, can't they?"

"For someone so manly, you've been whining and screaming like a little kid all day," Sirius grumbled.

"You shut up!" James snapped, looking over at Sirius. "You've been acting like that too!"

"But you are so—" Sirius started loudly, before being cut off by Remus.

"Look, James, I really think you're just jumping to a lot of ideas," he said, pushing James's gaze away from Sirius. "I really think you need time to sit and think about this rationally."

"Who says I'm not rational?" James asked, heatedly.

"Just…. Calm down. Think of something relaxing. Think of Firebolts or something."

"Firebolts really can't help much at a time like this."

"_Listen… you know what Pettigrew's mother got back after Black had finished with him? Dad told me— the Order of Merlin, First Class, and Pettigrew's finger in a box. That was the biggest bit of him they could find."_

Peter immediately joined his hands and felt through all his fingers. "My finger?" he repeated, straightening an index finger and staring at it bewilderedly. "The biggest bit of …? That's so… My tealeaves!" he suddenly cried and looked wildly at James. "James, do you remember our tealeaves?"

"Um… remind me again which ones?" James said. "I've kind of forgotten about all of them right now, and there were so many…"

"You know, the wand and the finger ones!" Peter went on, waving his hand impatiently at him. "Look! I think it was right! Maybe it wasn't just being weird since we couldn't find those symbols in the book, maybe it was predicting this! That'd I'd only be a finger, and you'd get killed by a spell!"

James eyes immediately widened. "You're right! I didn't even think about that. Wow… That's so incredibly bizarre. That's the last thing I would have imagined adding up to this."

Peter smirked at Remus. "What subject is a bunch of old rubbish now, Moony? You can't say that this is just a coincidence! It all fits!"

"I admit, that would be a rather odd coincidence," Remus said, shaking his head and looking very surprised. "I'm still not entirely sold on Divination, but that is really strange and impressive. I can't believe it could predict something like that."

"Yeah, well, I bet it wasn't even a finger. You probably just read it wrong," Sirius said dismissively.

"You weren't even in that class! Don't tell me what can and can't be in my tealeaves!" Peter said angrily. "My tealeaves showed me a finger, and now my mother is getting my finger in a box because that's the only part of me left! Things like that don't just happen!"

"_Black's a madman, Harry, and he's dangerous—"_

"Like we didn't already know that," James said with a laugh.

"_Malfoy's dad must have told him," said Harry, ignoring Ron. "He was right in Voldemort's inner circle—"_

"_Say You-Know-Who, will you?" interjected Ron angrily._

"Yeah!" Peter agreed.

"Lucius…" James sneered. "Of course. That would make sense. Oh, I just hate him. I bet it's just like him to pass down everything to his son just like he passed on that ugly blonde hair."

"—_so obviously, the Malfoys knew Black was working for Voldemort—"_

"Or they could know just by family gatherings," James said.

Sirius made an angry sound of rage again. "Shut up, James! Shut up!"

"Make me," James said coldly. "I can say whatever I want. You can't tell me what to say."

"Yeah, since I bet you wouldn't hesitate to say it for me!"

"Oh…. reading, shall we?" Remus went on quickly.

"—_and Malfoy'd love to see you blown into a million pieces, like Pettigrew!"_

"Yeah!" James nodded furiously, blasting his anger onto Malfoy now. "I'm sure he would!"

"A… a million pieces?" repeated Peter nervously. "I really didn't want to be mentioned in this story, I knew I didn't…"

"_Get a grip. Malfoy's just hoping you'll get yourself killed before he has to play you at Quidditch."_

"That's not going to happen, Malfoy!" snapped James. "You're going to get your little arse flattened, because you can't play! Harry's not going anywhere."

"_Harry, please," said Hermione, her eyes now shining with tears, "please be sensible. Black did a terrible, terrible thing, but d-don't put yourself in danger, it's what Black wants…"_

"It's not! Honestly, it's not!" burst Sirius immediately. "I couldn't…"

"Yeah, yeah, sure…" James said disbelievingly.

"_Oh, Harry, you'd be playing right into Black's hands if you went looking for him. Your mum and dad wouldn't want you to get hurt, would they?"_

"Of course we wouldn't! I never would!" James said.

"_They'd never want you to go looking for Black!"_

James frowned. "I don't know, I'm having some pretty mixed feelings right now…"

"_I'll never know what they'd have wanted, because thanks to Black, I've never spoken to them," Harry said shortly._

Sirius made a few throaty noises in the corner as James looked sadly down at the floor. "That's right… Harry'll never know."

"Sorry?" Peter offered.

"It's really a terrible statement. I can't imagine how it must feel…" Remus said.

James laughed quietly and shook his head. "Don't be sorry. After all… it's not _your_ fault. That was just such a moving statement. I know I only found out about Harry today, but that really hurts a lot. He's right. He's never spoken to me or Lily. Which I've known, but for him to say it that way is so heartbreaking to hear."

He sighed. "I wish I could tell him what I want. But I'm not even sure what I want."

Sirius sighed quietly as well, slumping against the wall. "I know what _I _want." He crossed his arms and muttered, "Not this."


	14. Chapter 11 Part Two

**A/N**: Wow. It's been nearly a year since my last update, and so much has happened since that time, between the release of Deathly Hallows (and the end of my life) and the OotP movie and everything else not even related to Harry Potter. To be honest, I was always writing, but I'd either be so busy that I didn't have the time to write too much, or I'd get writer's block and couldn't. Or everytime I'd get the chance to write, I'd have to be writing something for English class, or doing hours of Spanish homework.  
So, here's what's going on. Chapter 11 of 'Prisoner of Azkaban' is going to be split into three parts, because for one, it's gotten so long, and just this second part is pretty lengthy. And secondly, I've stopped it here just before the Christmas section of the chapter. I thought it would be neat to upload the third section of this chapter on Christmas Day, this way you and Harry and somewhat the Marauders can all celebrate Christmas together. :P Or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a little holiday gift and know you'll get an update sooner than nearly a year from the last. I promise I will try to never do that again.  
I want to dedicate this upload to Emmy, who is always writing something amazing and made me really want to work on this. She also just lost 17 pages of her new fanfiction on her computer, and she worked really hard on those and I feel terrible for her. I don't know what I'd do if I lost 17 pages of this fic (that'd be approximately like losing this whole upload right here).  
Lastly, if you're read this now and you've been reading this story since it began 3 years ago and you're still sticking with it, or even if you were reading this a year ago, saw I miraculously updated and came back, I want to thank you. Over the past year I've been a little concerned that you probably all hate me now. Here. Have some chocolate, it helps, it really helps. ;)  
Enjoy!

* * *

"Well…" began Remus tentatively in a response to James. "That's only a… a natural feeling for one to experience in their teenage years, especially when such an unexpected book of fate is dropped into the midst…"

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, Remus. How many unexpected books of fate have fallen on your head?" –Peter rubbed his own, wincing at the painful memory— "What makes you such an expert at this?"

Remus's mouth fell open a little. "I never said I considered myself an expert. I was just trying to help—"

"Unless you've got some kind of spell up your sleeve to get rid of the unexpected book of fate and everything that's ever happened with it, I don't think there's _any_ way you could possibly help," James told him bluntly. As a kinder afterthought, he added, "That's just how it is, Moony."

Remus looked rather put down as he gazed at James, but said nothing more and carried on reading.

_There was a silence in which Crookshanks stretched out luxuriously, flexing his claws. Ron's pocket quivered._

Peter, who had been quite caught up in the tension of the room, looked a little confused now. "What? Why's Ron's pocket quivering? Does he feel sad for Harry?"

James raised his eyebrow. "Um. No. Scabbers is probably in there, afraid of Crookshanks. Remember?"

"Oh yeah…" Peter said, a look of comprehension glazing over his face as he was jerked back into the storyline. "Crookshanks should get lost."

"_Look," said Ron, obviously casting around for a change of subject, "it's the holidays! It's nearly Christmas! Let's— let's go down and see Hagrid. We haven't visited him in ages!"_

"Oh," said James, looking curious. "We haven't _ever_ visited him…"

"But that sounds like it could be fun," said Peter. "As long as Hagrid isn't raising some crazy animal like we've seen him doing for the last five years."

"_No!" said Hermione quickly. "Harry isn't supposed to leave the castle, Ron—"  
_  
"That's the whole point!" cried out James. "That's what makes it fun!"

"I still don't think it sounds all that fun. Maybe they should ask Hagrid to come visit them," Remus suggested.

There was a mutter of "Fun-sucker" from the corner that went ignored. James brushed his hand at Remus.

"There'll be plenty of time for them to see Hagrid at the castle if they stay for Christmas. I think what Harry needs now is some nice, fresh, windy Quidditch air in his lungs."

"_Yeah, let's go," said Harry, sitting up, "and I can ask him how come he never mentioned Black when he told me all about my parents!"_

"Probably because after the horrible deaths of me, Lily, and Peter, we would all like to pretend he doesn't exist anymore!" James responded immediately. "I notice you haven't said anything to Harry about _him_ either, Moony."

Remus paused awkwardly. "Harry and I's relationship is strictly teacher and pupil. I haven't even talked to him about you and Lily. I wonder why…" he mused. "I'm sure Harry has enough suffering to go on with, and I just don't want to add yet."

"But if Lily and I are going to be married, I'm sure there will be tons of great stories in the future you'll be able to tell him about!" James said. "Why don't you tell him about any of those? It might make him feel better!"

"Erm. Well. Seeing as they haven't happened yet, I can't say if they _would_ make him feel better." Then a sudden obvious thought struck Remus. "Ron and Hermione should give Harry a nice big bar of chocolate. Or _I_ should, if I'd even known what Harry overheard in the Three Broomsticks. I think the last time I offered anyone chocolate was after the dementor on the train, and of course, as useful and necessary as it was then, I think it's getting to a point now where it would be near-essential, after all, there is never a wrong time for chocolate—"

The look on Peter's face said quite plainly that he'd had enough of Remus's ramblings. "If you want Harry to have chocolate, then why don't you just give it to him? It's not as complicated as you're making it out to be!"

"I'm not making it complicated!" Remus insisted. "All I was saying was that Harry could do with some chocolate."

"Then you could have just said that," Peter pointed out.

Sirius made a noise of exasperation in the corner, muttering, "Of course he couldn't. He's Remus, he likes to make _everything_ complicated!"

"Well, I did!" Remus went on over Sirius. "But I don't see why you're getting upset with me, considering the amount of stupid interruptions I've had to put up with during the reading."

"Moony, you know you'd be lost without us here to interrupt you," said James. "Can you imagine what it would be like if you read this book without us?"

Remus shrugged sheepishly. "It might be a little more… quiet."

"Little more boring, if you ask me," James said. "Doesn't your heart just warm each time you can see me beam about Harry? Doesn't it give you a thrill to look at me and realize that yes, I _will_ be married to Lily in the future, no matter what she thinks now?"

Remus smiled. "Of course it does. But honestly, James, please tell me that you are not going to send that letter."

"What's wrong with it?" James asked immediately, as though Remus had just heavily offended him.

"Because the moment Lily reads it, she's just going to think you're insane and laugh her head off," said Remus simply.

"Well… I kinda liked it," Peter said.

James grinned at Peter before shaking his head at Remus. "Moony, you're good with studying and chocolate and music and stuff, but when it comes to girls, you just don't get it."

"I do so get it!" responded Remus indignantly. "I'm just saying you're not concentrating hard enough on Lily's feelings!"

"You just don't know how to work girls, Remus."

"Sure I do! And that has nothing to do with this topic anyway! Look how stupid and long the interruptions have been this time! We really ought to be getting back to the book!"

"If you say so, now, considering you keep adding onto those interruptions."

_Further discussion of Sirius Black plainly wasn't what Ron had in mind._

"I don't think anyone here has that in mind either," murmured Sirius.

"_Or we could have a game of chess," he said hastily, "or Gobstones. Percy left a set—_"

"I hate Gobstones," James said haughtily. "Why don't you just go chuck the Gobstones at someone's face? I've always thought that was a much better use of them than playing the actual game."

"That's because you hardly have any respect for games when they aren't Quidditch, or related to it in some way," Remus pointed out.

"I do!" James insisted. "But you wouldn't like it much either if you had a cousin who received a huge amount of pleasure every time they got your face squirted with goop."

"_No, let's visit Hagrid," said Harry firmly._

_So they got their cloaks from their dormitories and set off through the portrait hole ("Stand and fight, you yellow-bellied mongels!")_

"Remind me to give Sir Cadogan's portrait a nice poke," James groaned with a roll of his eyes.

—_down through the empty castle and out through the oak front doors._

_They made their way slowly down the lawn, making a shall trench in the glittering, powdery snow, their socks and the hems of their cloaks soaked and freezing. The Forbidden Forest look as if it had been enchanted, each tree smattered with silver, and Hagrid's cabin looked like an iced cake._

Peter took a long inhalation with his eyes closed. "I just love the smell and taste of sweet houses in the winter."

_Ron knocked, but there was no answer._

"_He's not out, is he?" said Hermione, who was shivering under her cloak._

"Maybe he's taking a nap," suggested James.

"Yeah, but… Don't you think they'd've heard?" asked Peter.

_Ron had his ear to the door._

"_There's a weird noise," he said._

"Aha! There you are!" said James triumphantly. "If Hagrid was snoring, then it might be kind of a weird noise."

"_Listen— is that Fang?"_

"Fang?" repeated James, looking around. "Who the hell is Fang?"

"It better not be some kind of monstrous snake," Sirius said with his nose wrinkled.

"Maybe it's his new pet," suggested Peter. "I mean, that crazy dog he has now is probably dead by then."

"I suppose so," said Remus. "It's a shame… Hagrid really does seem fond of the one he already has now."

"Yeah, well, Hagrid seems to love all creatures. He'll find room to love a new one," said James.

_Harry and Hermione put their ears to the door too. From inside the cabin came a series of low, throbbing moans._

Sirius and James both snorted, gave a sign of realizing the other had snorted as well, and then quickly started focusing at the wall.

"_Think we'd better go get someone?" said Ron nervously._

"I dunno… I'd leave him alone…" said James.

"_Hagrid!" called Harry, thumping the door. "Hagrid, are you in there?"_

"Kinda seems like it," said Peter.

_There was a sound of heavy footsteps, then the door creaked open. Hagrid stood there with his eyes red and swollen, tears splashing down the front of his leather vest._

"_Yeh've heard?" he bellowed, and he flung himself onto Harry's neck._

"Whoa!" cried James. "Stop, stop, stop! Hagrid, I'm sure you're very upset, and I wonder why, but just 'cause you're sad doesn't mean you can do that to my son! Watch it there, you're going to break his neck! He's going be knocked unconscious right there in the doorway, or have a premature death!"

Remus frowned. "Come now, James, that isn't very nice."

"Yeah, but… But Moony," James said, looking at him as though he'd be able to stare some reason into Remus. "Hagrid's huge. It may not be nice to say that, but it's also not nice to fling all your weight onto a skinny thirteen year old."

_Hagrid being at least twice the size of a normal man, this was no laughing matter._

"Exactly what I said!" James said, with an approving nod.

_Harry, about to collapse under Hagrid's weight, was rescued by Ron and Hermione, who each seized Hagrid under an arm and heaved him back into the cabin._

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's a good thing Harry has Ron and Hermione," said James, looking relieved at the action Harry's two best friends had done. "Now time to see what's up with Hagrid."

_Hagrid allowed himself to be steered into a chair and slumped over the table, sobbing uncontrollably, his face glazed with tears that dripped down into his tangled beard._

"_Hagrid, what __is__ it?" said Hermione, aghast._

_Harry spotted an official-looking letter lying open on the table._

"_What's this, Hagrid?"_

"Maybe things have gotten so bad in the future that Hagrid is going to be arrested for being so huge!" Remus exclaimed, panicked looking.

Peter peered at him. "Why would you say that?"

Sirius turned around to look at Remus and said quite solemnly, "If that was true, I think Vernon and Dudley Dursley and Aunt Marge would have been arrested ages ago."

Remus gazed back at him momentarily before snapping his eyes back to Peter, and James looked on. "Well," he began slowly. "I don't know what's happened to Hagrid, but I can't say that I know a great deal of people who are as big as he is. And so maybe people are just going to get so terrified at the power his size holds, and they'd want to get rid of him. The way people are afraid of and have wanted to get rid of people like merpeople and centaurs, and… people like me."

James shook his head. "Listen, Moony, you're being ridiculous."

"I don't think so," said Remus gravely.

"But it might not be like that at all in the future," James pressed on. "Maybe it'll be better. You can't just predict stuff when you don't know what's gonna happen. That's why me and Wormtail took Divination."

"And just look at what happened with those tealeaves," Remus scoffed.

"I thought you didn't believe in Divination," said James shrewdly.

"I don't," he responded promptly, with his face blank of expression. "But furthermore, if you're saying you can't be certain of the future, then I don't see why you're getting so worked up about this book."

Sirius glanced over at the three hopefully.

"Because it's right there on the printed page, Moony!" said James exasperatedly, giving the book a slap with his hand. "You can't always trust written words, but I think they've been pretty trustworthy!"

"It all just makes sense!" Peter added on. "I'm prepared to forgive that book for smacking me in the head after all the good it's done."

Remus looked back at the cover. "But we don't even know this J.K. Rowling! Who's to say where this information came from?"

"So…" said Peter slowly, "What are you saying?"

"Are you saying that maybe we can't trust this book?" asked Sirius, turning around.

James laughed viciously, acknowledging Sirius's presence for once. "What a comment from the most untrustworthy person in the room!"

Remus winced. "James, don't you think that's a little—"

"I can't believe you!" Sirius raged, finally staring James right in the eye. "You know what, James? You are the most self-absorbed and hypocritical person I've ever met!"

Peter watched with great interest etched upon his face, quickly looking at James to see his reaction.

James pointed to himself with another derisive snort. "Me? What about you? You act as though you're my friend for years, and now you're leading me and Lily and Harry to our deaths? What's wrong with you?" He tilted his head and made a face. "Crazy pureblood mania of your family caught up with you? Realized you're too good for us? Decided that just because Evans is a Muggleborn, she's not good enough?"

Sirius's teeth were clenched together. "I'd— _never!_ I think you're the one with the problem. You're bouncing around from theory to theory and emotion to emotion. One minute you're saying I'm your best friend, and the next minute you're spitting at the thought of me. We're still the same bloody people in this room now that we were yesterday when we walked in here, but now just because of that mysterious book, everyone in this bloody room has decided they hate me because of something I apparently do Merlin-knows-when! Does that even make any sense to you?"

James eyed Remus and Peter, taking his time before answering, "Yeah, it does."

"You're a bastard, James Potter, and I hope you know that!"

James didn't respond for a few seconds, and leaned back casually against his bed. "Fine. Go ahead and say that. I don't care. I'd tell you the same thing, but your mum already does me the favor of calling you that at least a dozen times a day."

Sirius looked positively dangerous and furious as he stared down at James. His limbs twitched as though he were itching to get up and maul James, and the second he started to rise, Remus flung the book aside and grabbed Sirius around the middle; Peter caught the book roughly before it smashed the top of James's nightstand.

"Remus, get the hell _off_ me!" Sirius yelled, struggling against Remus's grip.

"Sirius, sit _down!_" Remus cried, struggling even more. His restrain on Sirius looked more like Remus was performing an awkward Heimlich maneuver on him.

James remained calmly in his position, although he had started scraping his fingers in the carpet. "See, look at that behavior. I really think that just shows us everything."

Sirius made a noise that sounded like an angry growl and lunged at James again; Remus ended up accidentally punching Sirius in the stomach, which went past Sirius as though it hadn't happened.

"I don't think it's a good idea if we start attacking each other in James's bedroom!" Peter squeaked timidly, watching the scene with wide eyes.

"That's— what— I— think— too!" Remus panted out, continuing to hold Sirius back.

"What's the difference?" Sirius called out. "We're only going to be verbally attacking each other anyway!"

"Fine by me," James said coolly with a snooty roll of his eyes.

"Sirius, if you stop trying to get out of my grip like a crazy animal, I shall _tell_ you the difference," said Remus, pulling back Sirius yet again.

Sirius considered this a few seconds and then stopped thrashing: Remus clung to Sirius for a moment to regain his balance. He then glanced over at James and Peter before pulling Sirius back to his corner of the room. Sirius folded his arms looking at Remus skeptically.

"The difference," Remus said quietly, staring fixedly into Sirius's eyes, "is that no matter what you may or may not be doing years from now, at this moment you haven't done anything wrong at all. And I would hate for you to ruin that by beating or cursing James up. You don't need to be in any trouble now, because there's no reason for it."

Sirius opened his mouth as to object, and Remus stopped him.

"I don't care if you absolutely despise him right now. I want you to hold your temper and tolerate him."

Sirius groaned. "But Remus, you don't—"

"I don't care. If you haven't noticed, I'm the one person here who hasn't been refusing to talk to you, or insinuating mean things at you."

Sirius shifted slightly. "So, are you saying you don't think I'm as bad as the book is making me out to be?"

"I'm saying that I don't think you should be setting yourself up now for anything you'll regret later, and that we should all just get to the end of the book in one piece."

Sirius blinked at him. "Well, what the hell kind of answer is that? Sometimes I hate all the ambiguity about you."

Remus stared back at him with no expression. "Sirius, just come sit down with us," he said before heading back to his spot on the carpet. James and Peter looked up and stopped what appeared to be their own whispered conversation.

"Thanks," Sirius mumbled. He went to sit down. It wasn't in the circle they'd been in hours ago, admittedly he was just sitting next to Remus, but it was still closer to the group than his spot in the corner.

"Here, do you want this back?" Peter asked Remus as though nothing had just gone on, and he held out the book.

"Yes, thanks," Remus said, taking the book back and clearing his throat.

"Just go on, then," James said stiffly, throwing a dark glance over at Sirius, but otherwise taking no notice of Sirius's closer spot to the group.

Remus had to take some time flipping through the pages and scanning them until he located where they had left off.

_Hagrid's sobs redoubled, but he shoved the letter toward Harry, who picked it up and read aloud:_

_Dear Mr. Hagrid,_

_Further to our inquiry into the attack by a hippogriff on a student in your class, we have accepted the assurances of Professor Dumbledore that you bear no responsibility for the regrettable incident._

"Yeah!" cried James, with a genuine expression of happiness on his face. "You tell them, Dumbledore! It's all Malfoy's fault!"

"_Well, that's okay then, Hagrid!" said Ron, clapping Hagrid on the shoulder. But Hagrid continued to sob, and waved one of his gigantic hands, inviting Harry to read on._

"Kind of like we do to you, Moony," commented Peter. Remus looked up at him. Peter waved his hand to have Remus read on.

"Oh, yes, thank you, Peter," replied Remus with the tiniest hint of sarcasm.

_However, we must register our concern about the hippogriff in question. We have decided to uphold the official complaint of Mr. Lucius Malfoy –_

"_What?_" cried James. "You're still going to listen to that prat who thinks he's everything just because of his status? Never a day went by when he didn't rub his stupid Prefect badge in my face whenever he had the chance. I was so glad when he graduated. Shame he wasn't still around, though, 'cause then Moony could rub _his_ Prefect badge right back."

"I don't think it's right to rub your Prefect badge in people's faces," Remus mumbled. "It's just supposed to be to keep some control around the school."

James shook his head impatiently. "Eh, well of course _you_ wouldn't rub it in people's faces, 'cause you're decent like that. Unlike Malfoy, who thought control around the school actually meant something like 'bullying the whole school'."

_-- and this matter will therefore be taken to the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures._

Remus paused in his reading for a small gulp.

"They wouldn't take you away, Remus," said Sirius quietly.

"Let's just blow up that place or something, they're so mean!" said Peter. "I don't think they've really done any good disposing lately. And I don't think hippogriffs are that dangerous anyway, if you were sure on how to act around them."

_The hearing will take place on April 20th, and we ask you to present yourself and your hippogriff at the Committee's offices in London on that date. In the meantime, the hippogriff should be kept tethered and isolated._

_Yours in fellowship…_

_There followed a list of school governors._

"_Oh," said Ron. "But you said Buckbeak isn't a bad hippogriff, Hagrid."_

"Yeah, that's what we say too!" said Peter, and James nodded.

"_I bet he'll get off—"_

"_Yeh don' know them gargoyles at the Committee fer the Disposal o' Dangerous Creatures!" choked Hagrid, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "They've got it in fer interestin' creatures!"_

"Interesting!" Peter repeated. "I think most of those are terrifying creatures!"

Remus looked over at him.

"Oh, but Moony, I don't think _you're_ terrifying!" Peter said quickly. "Um. I mean. You kind of are, I guess, 'cause being a werewolf isn't such a great thing, but it's really not a bad thing either! You're perfectly fine with us…"

"Erm. Thanks," said Remus awkwardly. "No, but I was just saying that you didn't think they'd done anything good lately."

"They're not," Peter argued. "If they were any nicer, you wouldn't have to worry so much about being a werewolf. It'd be something more acknowledged and you wouldn't have to be ashamed."

"I'm not ashamed…" began Remus uncertainly. "It's a different sort of emotion that I'm looking for. Something like I'm not proud of it, and I thoroughly dislike it, but I've accepted it."

"Oh, so something like abhorrence?" Sirius suggested directly at Remus in an attempt to be off-hand.

Remus bit his lip. "Oh, er, I dunno… I haven't really thought about it like that…" He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Just a suggestion. I'll let you know when I fit— I mean, find— a better word," said Sirius cynically.

_A sudden sound from the corner of Hagrid's cabin made Harry, Ron, and Hermione whip around._

"What now, another creature?" asked James. "Hopefully it's something dangerous we can use to anonymously attack Lucius Malfoy."

_Buckbeak the hippogriff was lying in the corner, chomping on something that was oozing blood all over the floor._

"Ugh, that's just gross!" said Peter disgustedly. "I'm sure Buckbeak has to eat something, but why's it have to be something that was previously alive and is dripping its dead blood everywhere?"

"Do you really care?" inquired Sirius crudely as Remus turned a little bit paler.

"Why yes, I _do_," said Peter firmly. "I should think so, since doing something that involves dead people and lots of _innocent_ blood doesn't sound very nice!"

"Oh, shut up about the damn blood!" cried Sirius. "He's a hippogriff! What'd'you expect, Buckbeak to start eating carrots and potatoes?"

Peter blushed. "No, but I'm just saying!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Saying what? If I were you, I'd start saying things that make sense instead of a bunch of contradictions that'll just come back to bite you."

"Sirius…" started Remus quietly, eyeing him nervously.

"I'm not even trying to make any werewolf jokes, Remus, honestly!" exclaimed Sirius, looking distractedly at him, before turning back to give Peter the evil eye. "And what about attacking Lucius Malfoy with a monster? Don't you think _that_ involves innocent blood too?"

"It's nothing to do with werewolf jokes," Remus pressed on quietly. "I'm talking about—"

"It's one thing to make jokes about harming people," interrupted James. "It's a whole different story to actually do the deed and get them killed."

"Oh yeah? Well…" Sirius looked around the room aggravated, at a loss.

"Don't, Sirius…. Please," implored Remus.

Sirius hesitated, and then finished dramatically at James with, "Well, I wasn't talking to you!" and hunched back.

"That's some real maturity," mumbled James, rolling his eyes.

The fire in Sirius's eyes lit up once more, looking as though he desperately wanted to shout something back, but he caught Remus's eye and kept silent, only by clenching the inside of his cheeks with his teeth.

"_I couldn' leave him tied up out there in the snow!" choked Hagrid. "All on his own! At Christmas."_

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another. They had never seen eye to eye with Hagrid about what he called "interesting creatures" and other people called "terrifying monsters." On the other hand, there didn't seem to be any particular harm in Buckbeak. In fact, by Hagrid's usual standards, he was positively cute._

"That's reassuring," said James sarcastically. "But you know, I've never been under the impression that Lucius Malfoy found any type of magical creature cute."

"I think Buckbeak sounds pretty nice," said Peter. "Aside from attacking Draco, he's been sort of friendly…"

"I've always thought attacking Draco _was_ the friendly action," James contradicted.

"_You'll have to put up a good strong defense, Hagrid," said Hermione, sitting down and laying a hand on Hagrid's massive forearm. "I'm sure you can prove Buckbeak is safe."_

"Just tell 'em Draco was asking for it!" agreed Sirius with a sneer.

"Lately, I don't think it matters who's asking for what," said James off-handedly with a glance at Sirius.

Sirius's eyes flashed dangerously again. Remus glared over at James.

"Prongs, stop that."

"Stop what?"

"You know what."

"Does it really matter? I'm only saying the truth."

"Well, I don't think it's polite of you to interrupt my reading with comments like that!" said Remus, quite sharply, and realizing this his voice quieted down a little. "I mean, I just want to get us through the chapter. Then perhaps we can go eat. I didn't mean to be rude, or anything…"

James heaved a sigh. "No, no, it's fine, Moony. You hurry up reading."

"_Won't make no diff'rence!" sobbed Hagrid. "Them Disposal devils, they're all in Lucius Malfoy's pocket! Scared o' him! An' if I lose the case, Buckbeak—"_

_Hagrid drew his finger swiftly across his throat, then gave a great wail and lurched forward, his face in his arms._

"That's just horrible!" Peter cried. "How can they do that when Malfoy's still okay?"

"I thought he wasn't," said James. "I thought he was still pretending to be seriously injured… And I bet now he'll keep it up until he can make sure Buckbeak _does_ get killed off!"

"I'm sure if the Committee wasn't as corrupt as it is, they might figure out something better to do with Buckbeak," said Remus bitterly.

"Lucius Malfoy tried corrupting the Prefect system, remember?" said James. "I wouldn't put it past him to try and corrupt everything he could once he got out of school."

"_What about Dumbledore, Hagrid?" said Harry._

"Yes, that's a good point!" said Remus. "Why didn't I think of that? After all, Dumbledore's done more than I could ever ask for me. I'm sure as being one of the most influential wizards of the ages, he could do something. Convince them not to absolutely dispose Buckbeak in the way they do, at the very least."

"_He's done more'n enough fer me already," groaned Hagrid. "Got enough on his plate what with keepin' them dementors outta the castle, an' Sirius Black lurkin' around—"_

"I suppose that _is_ true," said Remus sadly. He looked around and cleared his throat. "I mean, the bit about Dumbledore doing more than enough. He always does do more than he should because of his ridiculous amount of generosity…"

Sirius nodded absentmindedly, not looking at all as though he were paying any attention to the talk about Dumbledore.

James had an eye fixed on Sirius, but said, "Yeah, well, that's why Dumbledore is the best, right?"

"Yeah! He let you come to school with us!" said Peter happily, though glancing over at Sirius uneasily.

"He's too trusting for his own good," Remus said with a sigh. "If he only knew…"

"If he only knew what?" Peter asked with a furtive look at Sirius.

"If he only knew how there isn't a lone werewolf in the Shrieking Shack every full moon, and how it usually leaves in the company of other animals," Remus finished, looking a little miserable.

"Oh yeah, that…" said Peter.

"That's not your fault, Moony," said James clearly. "I know how bad your transformations always are, at least, from watching it, but I know that you've seemed to be loads better by having us with you. Now you can actually have fun on full moons."

"That might be…" said Remus in a wistful tone of voice.

_Ron and Hermione looked quickly at Harry, as though expecting him to start berating Hagrid for not telling him the truth about Black. But Harry couldn't bring himself to do it, not now that he saw Hagrid so miserable and scared._

"I guess it's nice that Harry's being considerate of Hagrid," said James. "Though I still think Hagrid should have been more truthful."

"They all had reasons, I'm sure," said Remus.

James shook his head. "Yeah, but Moony, it's not your kid. I don't know about _your_ kid, if you'd have one, but I'd tell mine the truth. About everything."

"_Listen, Hagrid," he said, "you can't give up. Hermione's right, you just need a good defense. You can call us as witnesses—"_

"_I'm sure I've read about a case of hippogriff-baiting," said Hermione thoughtfully, "where the hippogriff got off. I'll look it up for you, Hagrid, and see exactly what happened."_

"That doesn't sound too bad," said Remus optimistically. "Hermione's a smart girl. I'm sure she can find something."

"Moony, is Hermione your favorite student?" asked James suddenly.

Remus's eyes widened in surprise. "What? No! Favoring students is bad. It doesn't show equality and the students are bound to notice."

"Doesn't stop Snivellus," said James, disgruntled. "Harry's my son. Why can't you favor him?"

"Well, I… I… hey, I _did_ say I'd help him with the dementors, now didn't I? Surely that must count for something."

"You're right, it did…" James said, nodding in remembrance. "So, when he does a good job, you should give him fifty points to Gryffindor."

"I can't do that!" cried Remus, looking scandalized. "If Dumbledore found out I was giving out house points in that way, he'd—"

"—Probably think you were the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher ever," interrupted James. "Especially helping my third year son with the ability to produce a Patronus. I mean, even _I_ can't do that!"

"Actually, none of us can do that," Peter pointed out.

"It's only a matter of time before I finally figure it out," said James. "And Moony, of course. He must be pretty good if he's teaching Harry. And— Yeah, Moony! When Ron and Hermione were telling Harry what happened when he passed out, you must have been performing the Patronus Charm to make sure everyone was okay."

"Then at least I know it worked," said Remus, looking rather pleased. "I just hope I'm not getting anyone's hopes too high."

_Hagrid howled still more loudly. Harry and Hermione looked at Ron to help them._

"_Er— shall I make a cup of tea?" said Ron._

James looked shocked. "This isn't a time for drinking! Well, maybe some strong Firewhiskey, perhaps…"

"James…" said Remus sternly.

"Oh, get off it, Moony," said James, rolling his eyes.

"I always thought tea could be a little soothing," said Remus. Not as soothing as chocolate, perhaps…"

_Harry stared at him._

"My reaction too, Harry," James said.

"_It's what my mum does whenever someone's upset," Ron muttered, shrugging._

"See, look!" Remus said. "I told you it can be useful."

"I'd go for the Firewhiskey," said James.

_At last, after many more assurances of help, with a steaming mug of tea in front of him, Hagrid blew his nose on a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth and said, "Yer right. I can't afford to go ter pieces. Gotta pull meself together…"_

_Fang the boarhound came timidly out from under the table and laid his head on Hagrid's knee._

"Yep, that explains who Fang is," said Peter.

"Look, even Fang's trying to cheer Hagrid up!" said James.

"_I've not bin meself lately," said Hagrid, stroking Fang with one hand and mopping his face with the other. "Worried about Buckbeak, an' no one likin' me classes—"_

"_I_ liked your class!" said James quickly. "Not so much the boring flobberworm ones you had afterwards, but the first one was great! Malfoy got attacked, and I found out how compatible Harry is for riding hippogriffs, and how Malfoy's a bloody jerk just like his father… And I really do mean 'bloody' this time since that hippogriff taught him a lesson for being rude, and Malfoy deserved it."

"_We do like them!" liked Hermione at once._

"_Yeah, they're great!" said Ron, crossing his fingers under the table. "Er— how are the flobberworms?"_

"Who cares?" said Peter.

"_Dead," said Hagrid gloomily. "Too much lettuce."_

"Oh, now there's a shame," said James sarcastically. "Harry seemed like he was really getting into those."

"_Oh no!" said Ron, his lip twitching._

"_An' them dementors make me feel ruddy terrible an' all," said Hagrid, with a sudden shudder. "Gotta walk past 'em ev'ry time I want a drink in the Three Broomsticks. 'S like bein' back in Azkaban—"_

"Hagrid went to Azkaban?" repeated James loudly as four sets of ears perked up.

"But— Why would that be?" Remus asked, looking thoroughly confused. "Hagrid still seems perfectly alright, besides that obsession with dangerous monsters but—" Remus paused and then his eyes widened. "See, I told you! I'm sure they probably locked him away for being so gigantic! Or something related to that matter! I told you it's only going to get worse in the future. Personally, I'm shocked that I've even managed to secure a job, though I expect that this doesn't count for much anyway, being as it's only my first year, and Dumbledore most likely only gave me the job because he's too ridiculously kind to me and this is so much more than I deserve. Still, I expect it's only a matter of time before—"

"Moony, maybe you should just read the book and see if Hagrid says why he went to Azkaban," said Peter, cutting him off.

"But Peter, you don't understand. This could be so much more serious. Although, I can acknowledge if you feel it hasn't got anything to do with you, since you're fortunate enough to be pure of human soul, but—"

"No, I mean you have to stop coming to sudden conclusions and wallowing in them," Peter said, wrinkling his nose at Remus.

"Wallowing?" Remus repeated. "Who said I'm wallowing?"

"Well, he did," said James, pointing a finger at Peter, "But I think I agree. You should stop putting yourself and everyone else down. I mean, you can't even be certain about any of it. Dumbledore wouldn't have given you that job if he didn't think you were capable—"

"Prongs, explain to me how you've suddenly contradicted yourself earlier when you said Snape wasn't capable to teach," said Remus shrewdly.

"What— That?" James scoffed and rolled his eyes. "That's different! Snape must've cast dark magic or something on Dumbledore. No one in their right mind would let him teach at Hogwarts!"

"Besides, Snivellus is a bloody idiot," murmured Sirius just loud enough for Remus to hear.

"But you're different!" James went on. "And not just for the obvious reasons…"

By now Remus had his lips pursed.

"But because you actually care about the students in every house, and you're smart, and they respect you, and you appear to be teaching the class that's most liked at Hogwarts now," continued James. "Plus, you can give Harry some good memories, which is always a bonus."

"I don't know—"

"No, Remus, and you're not going to contradict me on this one," said James firmly. "Now read some more!"

_He fell silent, gulping his tea. Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched him breathlessly. They had never heard Hagrid talk about his brief spell in Azkaban before. After a pause, Hermione said timidly, "Is it awful in there, Hagrid?"_

"I'd bet!" Sirius couldn't help but announce loudly.

"More like he'd _know_, with a bunch of family members locked up in there," James mumbled to Peter, and the two boys shared tiny insolent chuckles.

"_Yeh've no idea," said Hagrid quietly. "Never bin anywhere like it. Thought I was goin' mad. Kep' goin' over horrible stuff in me mind… the day I got expelled from Hogwarts… day me dad died... day I had ter let Norbert go…"_

_His eyes filled with tears. Norbert was the baby dragon Hagrid had once won in a game of cards._

"What?" said Remus. "Now I know what kind of creatures Hagrid has a certain affection for, but I cannot believe he would find someone who would give him a baby dragon for winning a card game!"

"Well, what do you expect, Moony, it was a card game!" Sirius cried out. "In the real world, people actually bet interesting and sometimes naughty things when they're playing cards and games like that. That's how it works. You can't be so surprised about those cards."

"I'm not, I'm just saying that Hagrid let his deep affection for magical creatures go a little too far!" Remus insisted.

Sirius grimaced and then nodded. "Fine, maybe you're right. That is a little much. But you know… I think you're just mad because you're not good at card games."

"That's not true! I just have better things to do with my time than sit about playing Exploding Snap until my eyebrows burn off!"

"If you remember correctly, my handsome eyebrows were still okay within the following week because luckily Pron—" His eyes darted toward James and then hurriedly away, and his voice tripped over a small stutter. "Ahem, because luckily they grew back in quickly and I didn't have to walk around looking like that ugly portrait on the fifth floor by the boys' bathroom of the Medieval girls that have no eyebrows."

Remus rolled his eyes.

Sirius went on, "Speaking of girls—"

"Something you rarely ever _don't_ do," sighed Remus.

"—the offer is still open this term if you want to come and join in on Exploding Strip Snap the third Saturday of every month. Linda and April really want you to come, too. It's tons of fun. I already mentioned to them the idea of you coming. And Lizzie already knows you'll say no, but she said she thinks you should come at least once and give it a shot, because April forced her to start coming, and she doesn't want to be the only one there by force." Sirius grinned at him, in a mischievous twinkling fashion that was normal to see upon his face at Hogwarts, but seemed completely foreign to the cold and bitter expression that he'd been wearing lately.

Remus looked over his face for seconds, and then responded dryly, "Charming, but no." He pulled down on bottom of his shirt carefully and cleared his throat as his eyes flickered back on to the book.

"Come on, Moony, I could even help you if you want so that you don't lose in the first five minutes and have to pay the price of the game…"

Remus looked up with a raised eyebrow. "Honestly, Sirius, the way you seem to enjoy going there and losing only deepens my belief that you were a nudist in a previous life."

"I was _not_," Sirius grumbled, flushing red.

"Yeah, 'cause he's a killer in a future life," James mumbled in Peter's ear.

"_Yeh can' really remember who yeh are after a while. An' yeh can' see the point o' livin' at all. I used ter hope I'd jus' die in me sleep… When they let me out, it was like bein' born again, ev'rythin' came floodin' back, it was the bes' feelin' in the world. Mind, the dementors weren't keen on lettin' me go."_

Sirius shuddered at the words that had been read aloud, and all indications that he'd been brightly grinning at Remus a moment ago were clearly gone as his eyes sunk in and he stared blankly, horrified at the idea of a life in Azkaban.

"_But you were innocent!" said Hermione._

"Oh, well, that's good to know," said Peter, with a slight sigh of relief. "I guess he couldn't have been charged with raising crazy giant creatures, seeing as he's definitely guilty of that."

"Wonder what he did go in for, though…" said James thoughtfully.

_Hagrid snorted._

"_Think that matters to them? They don' care. Long as they've got a couple o' hundred humans stuck there with 'em, so they can leech all the happiness out of 'em, they don' give a damn who's guilty an' who's not."_

"Not that it matters, since the majority in Azkaban are guilty anyway," snickered James in a haughty manner.

A quick spasm passed through Sirius's body as his eyes quickly flew open to James. Remus swiftly reached for Sirius's upper arm and pulled back on the fabric of his shirt sharply, warning him not to jump up again and repeat the attack that happened earlier. Sirius's eyes bulged and his eyebrows creased, but his throat clenched and he slowly loosened up into his previous sitting position, Remus's pull slowly releasing him.

_Hagrid went quiet for a moment, staring into his tea. Then he said, quietly, "Thought o' jus' letting Buckbeak go… tryin' ter make him fly away… but how d'yeh explain ter a hippogriff it's gotta go inter hidin'?"_

Peter shrugged. "He knows more about them then anyone else does, I would think he'd know how."

"Maybe he should have said the school was filled with Draco Malfoy, and that the best thing to do would be fly away and get away from him," suggested James. "No… Wait… Because then Buckbeak would just want to kill all the Draco Malfoys and thereby earn his own Special Award for Services to the School… Nevermind…"

"_An'— an' I'm scared o' breakin' the law…" He looked up at them, tears leaking down his face again. "I don' ever want ter go back ter Azkaban."_

"Well, neither do I!" Sirius cried firmly, and then looking rather shocked out his outburst, staring around at them all. "Hagrid, I mean… Guess there's no point since I've… I'm going to… We've been through this before." With a sigh, he resigned himself back to leaning against the bed.

_The trip to Hagrid's, though far from fun, had nevertheless had the effect Ron and Hermione hoped._

"Oh yeah? What's that again?" asked James.

_Though Harry had by no means forgotten about Black—_

"And who could at this time?" muttered Sirius.

—_he couldn't brood constantly on revenge if he wanted to help Hagrid win his case against the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. He, Ron, and Hermione went to the library the next day and returned to the empty common room laden with books that might help prepare a defense for Buckbeak._

"That's nice of them," said Remus with a small smile. "Look, James, your son is working hard in the library."

"Oh, shove off," replied James, but he grinned too. "He must've gotten that determination from Lily. But notice that he didn't actually stay in the library. He took those books and got out of there before Madam Pince could come swooping down on him with that big vulture nose."

_The three of them sat in front of the roaring fire, slowly turning the pages of dusty volumes about famous cases of marauding beasts speaking occasionally when they ran across something relevant._

All four of the boys couldn't help but have their lips form a smirk as they heard the words '_marauding beasts'._

"Hmm, now that sounds pretty familiar!" said Peter excitedly.

"Yeah!" Remus agreed, looking over the words again, and his smile fading. "But it's only a coincidence… Besides, it can't really be something that makes us think of us together anyway, because it says 'beasts', and I'm the only one here that really is…"

"_How_ do you talk about yourself like that, Remus?" demanded Sirius. He looked incredulously into the eyes of the boy beside him, and Remus looked away.

"It's no big matter, Sirius, we all know it's true anyway."

"I don't," said Sirius resolutely. "I don't think it's true."

"Fine, you enjoy thinking that, then, but you're the only one."

"Excuse me?" said Peter. "Did you just forget about us over here, because you're having another one of those private-but-not-really-so-private conversations with _him_ again?"

Remus opened his mouth to reply something, but Peter finished before Remus could start. "When we first figured out your secret, sure, we were scared, but James and I didn't think you were a beast either!"

"But you admit, you were scared!" cried Remus in a cynical tone.

"Well, I'm sorry, Remus, but you're the first werewolf I've ever become best friends with," said James mockingly. "I didn't have a whole handy guide all about what to do when your friend is a teenage werewolf."

Remus's face fell at the comment as his eyebrows furrowed, staring in shock at James. "What, you— You think you _need_ a guide to when your friend is a werewolf? Like when you go to the Magical Menagerie and they have guides on taking care of Krups and Puffskeins?"

"No!" cried James. "That's not— You're blowing this out of proportion, that's not what I meant."

"What we mean is," said Sirius, "you're not a beast. Even if you think you are just because of one time every twenty-eight days. You're not now. I think you're the most civilized person sitting in this room right now. And I never want to hear you say that about yourself again." He looked at Remus firmly. "In fact… I _know_ we've had this conversation before. You're always saying these stupid things about yourself that aren't true. And I'll gladly keep telling you how you're perfectly fine, but I am getting sick and tired of you just not listening."

"Well, you just don't understand. You can't. I appreciate all your efforts, but none of you will ever— touch wood— understand exactly what it's like."

"We know we won't," said Peter. "But do you always have to remind us of it? I don't think _you_ know what it's like being friends with someone constantly proclaiming we don't know what it's like for them. We may not all be werewolves, but we all have problems that other people can't understand!"

Sirius nodded supportingly at this, though it went unnoticed by Peter.

"I mean, do you know what it feels like to know that someone you thought was a friend is going to blast you up into pieces someday? No, you don't!"

Sirius immediately slumped and shifted away slightly, looking away from them all.

"So, the point is, Remus," said James. "Everyone has problems. You do. Peter does. I do. Harry certainly does! And now we have to deal with Hagrid's problem too!"

"Oh yeah, maybe we should see if those books are doing them any good?" suggested Peter.

"I— I guess, yeah," said Remus.

"_Here's something… there was a case in 1722… but the hippogriff was convicted— ugh, look what they did to it, that's disgusting—"_

"_This might help, look— a manticore savaged someone in 1296, and they let the manticore off— oh— no, that was only because everyone was too scared to go near it…"_

"Oh, yes, that made me feel _so_ much better about myself," said Remus sarcastically.

"Remus, you're not a hippogriff or a manticore!" Sirius yelled, frustrated at him. "You don't have to worry about a thing, you're great at Hogwarts, and you'll be perfectly fine." His pale eyes gazed at the werewolf bleakly, imprinting into him. "You haven't done anything wrong."


	15. Chapter 11 Part Three

**A/N:** Hi guys! Happy Christmas! It's up a bit late today, I know, but hey, it still IS uploaded on Christmas! It's just been a very busy day, and now it's finally up. On the other hand, one of my gifts today was a Marauder's Map, and it is extremely awesome. :)  
Anyway, now I have a question for you all, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave me your thoughts. I sometimes get requests for me to make the chapters of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ in bold font instead of italic font, the reason being is that when the font is bold, it's a lot easier for people to just skip over the parts from the book and then read what I've written myself. So, please help me out! Would you all like me to change the format of this fic and start bolding the PoA chapters from now on? (If I did so, I'd most likely go back to the other chapters when I got the chance and reformat those as well, just so it all looks uniform).  
Thanks a lot, guys. I can't exactly be sure of when I update next, but it should hopefully be sometime soon in the new year! Enjoy the chapter. :)

* * *

"But you're… You haven't…" Remus started feebly, though neither sentence he'd begun to form seemed to have any purpose. Sirius could say a million times that Remus wasn't a beast, and yet Remus still wouldn't believe him. He was sure it worked the other way around too. No matter how many times he tried to reassure Sirius that at this moment in time, everything was (for the most part) okay and he was innocent, Sirius wouldn't believe him either. And not to mention, saying that statement with James and Peter in the room did not seem like it would get him any backup or support. Disappointed as he was at them, Remus supposed he couldn't be _so_ angry at them for being upset at Sirius— after all, they were the two who'd been so directly affected and killed by the results of Sirius's future actions, according to the book. The future Sirius hadn't done anything to the future Remus at all so far, aside from leaving him all alone. 

So Remus swallowed his words and continued reading.

_Meanwhile, in the rest of the castle, the usual magnificent Christmas decorations had been put up, despite the fact that hardly any of the students remained to enjoy them._

"Yeah, but I like them anyway," said Peter fondly. "And I'm proud to say I'm one of the few that have been at Hogwarts for all five years so far to stay with the Christmas decorations."

"I wanted to as well," said James. "But unfortunately, I was forced by my parents to go over to our grandparents' house two Christmas's ago… I love my family, but spending constant time with them during the holidays gets really crazy sometimes."

"Still, it must've been nice getting to see them during the year," said Remus, who'd gone back to stay with his family for Christmas during his first two years at Hogwarts, figuring that it'd be easier to be away the whole time during holidays rather than have to make up another lie for his friends. It would spare him a month of them questioning where he'd been for a day.

"Yeah," said James with a shrug. "But I really missed being at Hogwarts with you guys." He paused. "And I think Lily actually stayed at Hogwarts that year…" he added with a sigh.

_Thick streamers of holly and mistletoe were strung along the corridors, mysterious lights shone from inside of every suit of armor, and the Great Hall was filled with its usual twelve Christmas trees, glittering with golden stars._

"Ah, I just love the streamers of mistletoe," Sirius couldn't help but remark.

"I hate all those streams of mistletoe," said James, as though he hadn't heard Sirius be the first to mention mistletoe. "Not _once_ has there ever been a time when Lily and I just happened to be together under it."

"Yes, well, I think Lily has been keeping a close eye on it," said Remus, repressing a smirk.

James glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing…" said Remus quietly. "Only that I believe at this present moment in time, the last thing Lily desires is to be kissing you under mistletoe."

Immediately James looked disgruntled at hearing the news put that bluntly. "Well… her loss."

"If it makes you feel any better, I haven't kissed any girl under mistletoe yet," said Peter.

"Nor I," added Remus. His head snapped to Sirius. "You, on the other hand, have kissed just about every single girl a year beneath you under mistletoe during the holiday break, haven't you?"

"Um… Yeah," admitted Sirius. "What, is something wrong with that?"

"No," responded Remus tartly. "Just that I find it terribly frivolous of you to get their hopes up like that."

"It's the holidays!" said Sirius exasperatedly. "And I know I, for one, like to see everyone have a good time during the holidays. If that means letting a wistful girl who stares at me dreamily during the rest of the year have a little Christmas kiss, so be it! Makes them extremely merry, at the least."

As they were still ignoring Sirius, James and Peter's only response was to scowl at the wall, and Remus gave Sirius a disapproving frown.

"Well, if I were them," said Remus, "I'd be very upset that _Santa Baby_ had gone skipping down the halls with mistletoe and planting kisses on every girl he set eyes on."

"Then maybe you should get into the business yourself," Sirius retorted. "You're not in my position, so you don't understand."

"Hmm, there's a lot of that going around," said Remus dryly.

_A powerful and delicious smell of cooking pervaded the corridors, and by Christmas Eve, it had grown so strong that even Scabbers poked his nose out of the shelter of Ron's pocket to sniff hopefully at the air._

"That poor rat needs some food!" Peter complained. "Just in the earlier chapters, it was saying how thin Scabbers is and how bad he looks! Ron should bring him to the feast!"

"But he'd better not put him on the table, or I think everyone else will get grossed out," added James.

Peter shrugged. "Ron should let Scabbers have some of the ham, that's always really good…"

_On Christmas morning, Harry was woken by Ron throwing his pillow at him._

"_Oy! Presents!"_

"Oh, what a nice way to say 'Happy Christmas'," remarked James sarcastically, though he was grinning.

_Harry reached for his glasses and put them on, squinting through the semi-darkness to the foot of his bed, where a small heap of parcels appeared._

"Funny, just about the same thing happens to me," said James with a laugh.

_Ron was already ripping the paper off his own presents._

"_Another sweater from Mum… maroon __again__… see if you've got one."_

Peter snorted. "Maroon…"

"Harry doesn't need a maroon sweater!" said James, wrinkling his nose. "Give him green, or something… Not maroon."

_Harry had._

"How could Mrs. Weasley knit Harry a maroon sweater?" James demanded to know. "Why maroon? I mean, Ron has red hair, and I doubt it looks any good on him! Besides, maroon is a laughable color to wear!"

"Quiet down, Prongs, Mrs. Weasley didn't knit Harry a maroon sweater," said Remus, glancing at the next line.

"Oh," said James. "Well. That's good. What'd he get, then?"

_Mrs. Weasley had sent him a scarlet sweater with the Gryffindor lion knitted on the front, also a dozen mince pies, some Christmas cake, and a box of nut brittle._

"Oh, that was really nice of her!" said James fondly. "And now Harry has a nice Gryffindor sweater to wear while he eats cake and pie!" He sighed. "I wish Lily and I were around to send Harry that… I bet Lily could make Harry a nice sweater. And do all the baking. And then I could send him something about Quidditch." His face fell. "I mean, I'll never even get to give him a Christmas present he can really appreciate! It's not fair!"

"But at least Harry has Mrs. Weasley," Peter said, in his most cheering voice as possible. "I bet she gave him a better present than the Dursleys did. Maybe they don't even give him any presents!"

"Harry doesn't want any of their presents anyway!" answered James defiantly. "I don't care if it's Lily's sister. Harry doesn't deserve to be treated like that. He should move in with Ron, or something."

"_What's that?" said Ron, looking over, a freshly unwrapped pair of maroon socks in his hand._

"Well, that is, Harry can move in with Ron if he doesn't get maroon socks too. I guess he could get Gryffindor lion socks or something…" mused James.

_Harry ripped the parcel open and gasped as a magnificent gleaming—_

"Oh, dear Merlin, _that_ must explain it…" muttered Remus.

"_What_ must explain what?" cried James, looking frantic. "Do you know how many things are magnificent and gleaming?"

Remus paused and thought on this. "Well, actually, no…"

"That was rhetorical!" snapped James.

"Oh." Remus blinked. "Well, if you say it was…"

"Just keep reading on, Moony!" demanded James. "Don't make me wet my pants thinking something and not letting me know what it is!"

—_a magnificent gleaming broomstick rolled out onto his bedspread._

James gave an excited little whimper. "It's a broom! It's a broom! But is it a…? It has to be a… Could it be a…? It _must_ be a…"

Peter gave James a rather disgusted look. "Moony, will you just read on and spare us this reaction?"

Remus glanced down the page, braced himself, and read.

_Ron dropped his socks and jumped off his bed for a closer look._

"_I don't believe it," he said hoarsely._

_It was a Firebolt—_

Remus was drowned out as James leapt to his feet and bellowed, "IT'S A FIREBOLT!" Once at his feet, he jumped again into the air, and punched it. "I _KNEW_ I WAS RIGHT! IF THERE WAS GOING TO BE A FIREBOLT ANYWHERE, IT _HAD_ TO BE FOR _HARRY_! NOT _MALFOY_, NO WAY!"

Peter made a scramble to cover his ears tighter, and Sirius' eyes bulged and he looked confused as to whether he wanted to be happy or upset or indifferent.

"MY SON NOW HAS THE BEST BROOM IN THE WORLD AT THE MOMENT, AND CEDRIC DIGGORY AND THOSE HUFFLEPUFFS CAN FORGET ABOUT WINNING THE QUIDDITCH CUP NOW, NOW THAT HARRY POTTER HAS A FIREBOLT! YOU BETTER WATCH IT TOO, SLYTHERINS!"

James pumped the air once more before coming back down to the ground, grinning ecstatically from ear to ear. Even so, his body twitched in glee, and his lips couldn't stop spilling the words, "Harry has a Firebolt, Harry has a Firebolt."

Peter eyed him warily. "I was afraid of that."

Immediately James rounded on him. "Afraid of what? Afraid of Harry kicking arse at Quidditch with his new Firebolt? I don't think so! Do you have any idea how amazing the Gryffindor Quidditch team is going to be now?"  
Peter paused. "Is that rhetorical?"

"No!" cried James. "No one will stand a chance against Gryffindor now! Not now that Harry has this secret fantastical weapon!"

"So, Harry got the broom you always wanted him to get," said Remus matter-of-factly, though smiling. "What will James Potter do next?"

James laughed and grinned confidently. "Well, I'm going to wish I was there to see it with him, or even buy it for him, and— Hey! Wait a minute! Where did this broom come from?" He furrowed his eyebrows. "I mean, not that I even really care now that he has it, but it would be nice to know who I should thank."

"Maybe it was…" began Peter, but he stopped. "Hmm, I don't know. I s'pose we should keep reading. Moony always says all the answers lie in books…"

"Some answers," Sirius snorted in a sarcastic manner.

_It was a Firebolt—_

James made a loud whoop of glee.

_It was a Firebolt—_

James cried out in joy again. Remus shot him a filthy look.

"I'm glad you're excited James, but will I ever be able to read the name of the broom without you yelling loudly?"

James shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. But I think it's payback for when you kept reading the same sentence over and over just to hear the effect of 'Professor Lupin.' You were excited, and now so am I."

Remus pursed his lips. "Mmm. Fair point. Carry on."

_It was a Firebolt, identical to the dream broom Harry had gone to see every day in Diagon Alley._

"Of course it is!" retorted James. "You think I'd accept it if Harry got some cheap imitation of a Firebolt? No!"

_Its handle glittered as he picked it up. He could feel it vibrating and let go; it hung in midair, unsupported, at exactly the right height for him to mount it. His eyes moved from the golden registration number at the top of the handle, right down to the perfectly smooth, streamlined birch twigs that made up the tail._

"Prongs, you're drooling on my foot again," came the disgruntled tones of Peter. "And you say my drooling is bad!"

James snapped back into focus. "Oh… am I? Sorry…" He wiped at his mouth with the end of his sleeve. "It's just it's so perfect… I wish I could see it."

"_Who sent it to you?" said Ron in a hushed voice._

"Exactly, I want to know, too!" said James, in completely the opposite of a hushed voice.

"_Look and see if there's a card," said Harry._

_Ron ripped apart the Firebolt's wrappings._

"_Nothing! Blimey, who'd spend that much on you?"_

"What?" James cried. "No, check again! There's got to be something there to identify the sender! I need to know who'd buy my son a Firebolt! Do they not understand how much everyone would like to know this information?"

"Yeah, who just sends someone a broom like that and doesn't even tell them?" remarked Peter. "Geez, I'd like to know."

"_Well," said Harry, feeling stunned, "I'm betting it wasn't the Dursleys."_

James snorted. "Obviously. I bet those lousy relatives didn't even send him anything. And again, Harry doesn't want anything they could send him!"

"_I bet it was Dumbledore," said Ron, now walking around the Firebolt, taking in every glamorous inch._

"Hmmm." James rumpled his hair as he thought. "That's a possibility. I mean, maybe Dumbledore knows how I sadly can't give Harry any Christmas presents anymore…"

"Or maybe he knows Harry's father would have gone manic-obsessive over that broom," said Sirius loftily.

"Besides, Dumbledore has tons of Galleons," James continued. "He could do that! And he just wouldn't put his name on it because he didn't want Harry to know. Or maybe because he'd gone a bit senile and forgot…"

Remus frowned. "James, stop picking on Dumbledore."

"Sorry, Moony, you know I still respect him."

"_He sent you the Invisibility Cloak anonymously…"_

"Did he?" asked James. "Then this makes all the more sense now!"

"_That was my dad's, though," said Harry. "Dumbledore was just passing it on to me. He wouldn't spend hundreds of Galleons on me."_

"Sure he would!" encouraged James. "I mean, it's got to be somebody!"

"_He can't go giving students stuff like this—"_

"No, but considering I'd want you to have it, he can go ahead and give it to you for me!" said James.

"_That's why he wouldn't say it was from him!" said Ron._

"Wow, James, you're really good at guessing their thoughts," Peter remarked.

"_In case some git like Malfoy said it was favoritism. Hey, Harry" – Ron gave a great whoop of laughter— "__Malfoy__! Wait till he sees you on this! He'll be sick as a pig! This is an __international__ standard broom, this is!"_

"Oh, I know!" James beamed dreamily. "What are you waiting for, Harry? Use this as reasoning to go be a showoff! I want to see Malfoy get jealous when he finds out you have something he doesn't, and how badly he's going to lose at Quidditch now!"

"_I can't believe this," Harry muttered, running a hand along the Firebolt, while Ron sank onto Harry's bed, laughing his head off at the thought of Malfoy._

"Well, obviously, James can," said Peter. "He's been believing this since… oh, I don't know, chapter four?" He looked over at James for reinforcement, but James paid no notice as he was too busy drifting off into his own happy Firebolt-filled thoughts.

"_Who—?"_

"_I know," said Ron, controlling himself, "I know who it couldn't been—"_

"What?" Remus yelped, looking upon the next word. "Is he kidding?"

"Who is it?" James asked, snapping to attention. "If it's Snivellus, I swear I'll break something."

"No, no, not him. It's just— oh, James, much as I think it would be an extremely nice gesture, I just know it can't be true because with that many Galleons, I might be a bit more well off, but—"

"Wait—" said James, going wide-eyed. "Do you mean— you?"

"Yes!"

"Yeah!"

"What?"

"You!"

"Me?"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Moony!" cried Peter. They all stared at him. Peter looked sheepish.

"What, we all think Moony gave Harry the broom, don't we?"

"Well… yes, I suppose so," said Remus. "And don't be angry with me James, really, because I would, but I just don't think I could possibly manage it in that state."

"I guess so," admitted James, before his eyes started shifting. "Except… Maybe…"

"Maybe what?" Remus asked.

"Well… Now, don't you get mad at me, but maybe you're just in that shabby kind of state because you decided to spend your money on a new Firebolt for Harry."

Remus stared back at James as though he had never seen anything like him before. James shrugged.

"Hey, it could happen."

"_Lupin!"_

"_What?" said Harry, now starting to laugh himself. "__Lupin?__ Listen, if he had this much gold, he'd be able to buy himself some new robes."_

"See, I thought so," said Remus.

"That wasn't a very nice thing of Harry to say," said Sirius with a frown.

"Yes, well, it's true," Remus responded, brushing him off. "James, I'm sorry. I think it would have been really nice if I'd been the one, but I'm not, and so we still don't know who it is."

"Yeah," said James. "It's all right. But that would've been really cool. And maybe you would've bought it for him because you remembered how obsessed I am with how Harry must have the broom. So you followed through and did what I wanted to. It'd be a way for Harry to kind of connect with me…"

"_Yeah, but he likes you," said Ron. "And he was away when your Nimbus got smashed—"_

"What do you mean, you were away?" asked James suddenly, his Quidditch pride once again showing through. "What do you mean, you didn't go watch Harry's first Quidditch match of the season?"

"Er… I guess I didn't, and I'm sorry?" supplied Remus.

"Hmmmph. Now _that _wasn't nice," James said.

"—_and he might've heard about it and decided to visit Diagon Alley and get this for you—"_

"_What d'you mean, he was away?" said Harry._

"He means Moony didn't care about you enough to come see you in Quidditch," answered James.

"Prongs! You know I would have gone if I could!" scolded Remus. "Which means I probably couldn't have and…" He scanned down the page. "Aha. There you go. I even remember that now, what we'd assumed earlier. I couldn't go to the match because I was having trouble with a certain furry little problem."

"Ohhh," said James, his eyes widening in understanding. "But— You know, Quidditch is in the morning and full moon is at night, I don't see why you couldn't have just—"

"Am I _ever_ up to much the morning after full moon?" asked Remus angrily.

"Nope," said Sirius in defense.

"Oh. Well. Sorry, Moony. It was just a thought," said James, keeping his eyes concentrated solely on Remus.

"_He was ill when I was playing in that match."_

"Yes, Harry, and you don't even know the half of it…" sighed Remus. "I do wonder what Harry might say if he ever figured it out."

"Maybe something along the lines of, 'My teacher is a werewolf, and that is pretty damn brilliant'," answered Sirius.

"Mmm, no, I really don't think he'd think something that bold," said Remus, shaking his head.

"Well, I'd be able to answer, except I haven't lived with Harry long enough to know exactly what he's like," said James in a suffering tone. "However, if he's anything like me, he wouldn't care. And you guys already said he's a lot like me. So I think that solves that one."

"I hope," said Remus. "Then again, I hope we don't have to cross that bridge whatsoever in this book. Please, please, Harry, don't dwell on that thought any longer and get back to admiring your new Firebolt."

"YEAH!" cried James, and everyone turned to look at him.

"Leave me alone, I'm still excited."

"_Well, he wasn't in the hospital wing," said Ron. "I was there, cleaning out the bedpans on that detention from Snape, remember?"_

"Snivellus made him clean out the bedpans?" shouted Sirius. "I swear, Snivelly is taking this teacher-power of his too far! What was Dumbledore thinking when he let him have that job? Clearly all he's doing is making people miserable."

_Harry frowned at Ron._

"_I can't see Lupin affording something like this."_

"That's exactly what I was thinking," said Remus. "Sorry again, James."

"_What're you two laughing about?"_

"The fact that I'm too poor to buy Harry a nice new broom his father wanted him to have, even if I wanted to," said Remus dismally.

"That's not it!" snapped Sirius. "It's because Malfoy is a great pig-headed jerk who's going to get paid back for his smarmy actions.

"Because you just can't not laugh in joy when you have the best racing broom in the world," sighed James with a glazed, happy expression on his face.

_Hermione had just come in, wearing her dressing gown and carrying Crookshanks, who was looking very grumpy, with a string of tinsel tied around his neck._

"No wonder he looks grumpy," said Peter. "I'd be extremely miserable if someone tried to tie some of that around me."

"_Don't bring him in here!" said Ron, hurriedly snatching Scabbers from the depths of his bed and stowing him in his pajama pocket. But Hermione wasn't listening. She dropped Crookshanks onto Seamus's empty bed and stared, open-mouthed, at the Firebolt._

"Do you not care about Scabbers at all?" asked Peter. "I mean, you could show some more tact, Hermione! I like your cat, but I don't like it if he's ruining other animals' lives!"

James, meanwhile, was still predictably hung-up over the Firebolt. "See, everyone's going to be staring at Harry and his Firebolt like that, and everyone's going to be jealous of him…"

"_Oh, __Harry__! Who sent you __that?__"_

"Someone that wasn't me," said Remus. "And possibly not Dumbledore either. Wow. Figuring out who sent it is much harder than I thought…"

"But at least he has it now!" cried James joyfully.

"_No idea," said Harry. "There wasn't a card or anything with it."_

_To his great surprise, Hermione did not appear either excited or intrigued by the news._

"What's wrong with you, Hermione?" cried James, his eyes nearly bulging out. "How can you have _no reaction_ to the fact that Harry is now officially the best Quidditch player ever, and it's all because he had a miraculous broom mysteriously sent to him?"

"Hermione doesn't really seem to like Quidditch," said Peter, shrugging.

"I don't like Celestina Warbeck, but you don't see me not making a reaction whenever she releases a new stupid song," pointed out James. "If you heard the way my mum listens to her, you'd hate her, too."

_On the contrary, her face fell, and she bit her lip._

"Oh, Hermione, don't be sad that you don't have a Firebolt too!" said James. "As one of Harry's best friends, I'm sure he'll let you ride it if you like. You don't have to be sad about it!"

"Even though you quite liked the idea of everyone else being sad about not having one," said Remus shrewdly.

"Yeah, well, that's different."

"_What's the matter with you?" said Ron._

"Clearly she's jealous of Harry's new fantastic broom," said James. "Maybe she's so in awe of it that it made her realize a secret desire to go play Quidditch."

"_I don't know," said Hermione slowly, "but it's a bit odd, isn't it? I mean, this is supposed to be quite a good broom, isn't it?"_

James gave a snort. "Quite a good broom, she says. What an understatement! There are no proper words to describe how brilliant this broom is! Did Hermione just get on the page about what kind of broom it is?"

"If she's not all that into Quidditch, I'd think so," answered Peter.

_Ron sighed exasperatedly._

"_It's the best broom there is, Hermione," he said._

"Ron knows what I'm talking about!" said James.

"_So it must've been really expensive…"_

"Yes, and that is why someone that's not Moony bought it for him," James said.

"Merlin, James, must you keep rubbing that in?" asked Remus.

"I'm not _trying_ to," said James. "But it's just a fact I'm restating to help narrow down who sent it. If it's not you, me, Peter, Lily, or any of Lily and I's relatives—because I assume they're dead, and if they're not, then I demand to know why one of them isn't watching Harry now because anyone is better than the Dursleys— anyway, if it's not one of those people, then it's anyone else!"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes. That helps narrow it down _so_ much."

"Better than no hints at all!" said James.

"_Probably cost more than all the Slytherins' brooms put together," said Ron happily._

James beamed. "Now that _is_ a happy thought. Maybe I should keep that in mind when I learn how to do a Patronus."

"_Well… who'd send Harry something as expensive as that, and not even tell him they'd sent it?" said Hermione._

"We hit this point before you, Hermione," said Peter. "And we really don't know."

"But as long as Harry has it, we don't care!" finished James.

"_Who cares?" said Ron impatiently. _

"Ron, you know my thoughts so well…" mused James.

"_Listen, Harry, can I have a go on it? Can I?"_

"_I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermione shrilly._

James' mouth fell open. "What do you mean, Hermione? Go stuff your nose back in a book! You don't even know anything about Quidditch, so you're not telling Harry what brooms he can and can't ride!"

_Harry and Ron looked at her._

"_What d'you think Harry's going to do with it— sweep the floor?" said Ron._

"Definitely not with that handle and those tail twigs!" said James, sounding angry at first, but then his tone softened as mental images of the Firebolt came back to him. "It's so gorgeous…"

"Maybe you won't marry Lily after all. Maybe you'll marry the Firebolt," said Peter, with a small laugh. James, however, did not see what was so funny, and gave him a nasty look.

_But before Hermione could answer, Crookshanks sprang from Seamus's bed, right at Ron's chest._

"Look at that!" cried Peter. "Hermione ought to be paying more attention to her cat than Harry's Firebolt! That cat is going to kill someone and she won't even realize it until it's too late!"

"Yes, Hermione's usually a bit more responsible than that," said Remus, frowning. "But I really don't think she'd let Crookshanks actually _kill_ someone… There have been enough deaths already."

"_GET— HIM— OUT— OF— HERE!" Ron bellowed as Crookshanks's claws ripped his pajamas and Scabbers attempted a wild escape over his shoulder._

"And no wonder!" Peter yelled. "I can't blame him! I'd run if I were trapped with that maniac cat around!"

_Ron seized Scabbers by the tail and aimed a misjudged kick at Crookshanks that hit the trunk at the end of Harry's bed, knocking it over and causing Ron to hop up and down, howling with pain._

"Shame on you, Crookshanks!" Peter chastised. "Ron didn't deserve that! Look how much pain you're causing everyone! Get lost!"

_Crookshanks's fur suddenly stood on end._

"Yeah, and you deserve to be scared. You go and get out of here," Peter said with a nod.

_A shrill, tiny whistling was filling the room._

"Maybe it's an Anti-Crookshanks siren," Peter suggested.

"Don't be stupid, they don't make Anti-Crookshanks sirens," said James.

_The Pocket Sneakoscope had become dislodged from Uncle Vernon's old socks and was whirling and gleaming on the floor._

"_I forgot about that!" Harry said, bending down and picking up the Sneakoscope. "I never wear those socks if I can help it…"_

James wrinkled his nose. "Eww, Harry. I wouldn't wear those nasty remnants of your Uncle at all."

_The Sneakoscope whirled and whistled in his palm. Crookshanks was hissing and spitting at it._

"Clearly that cat is up to no good," said Peter. "Even the Sneakoscope knows it. Although, I think Harry or someone said the Sneakoscope was broken anyway, but it has to be right about this one!"

"Sneakoscopes have never really appealed to me," said Remus. "It's not even worthwhile to have one at Hogwarts, because there's never anyone trustworthy when you've got students in their teenage years, and especially those who never bother to do their homework because they just copy it." He glared at James and Sirius.

Sirius sneered. "Don't give me that. You know I've thanked you plenty of times today."

"_You'd better take that cat out of here, Hermione," said Ron furiously, sitting on Harry's bed and nursing his toe. "Can't you shut that thing up?" he added to Harry as Hermione strode out of the room, Crookshanks's yellow eyes still fixed maliciously on Ron._

"Evil cat," muttered Peter.

_Harry stuffed the Sneakoscope back inside the socks and threw it back into his trunk. All that could be heard now were Ron's stifled moans of pain and rage. Scabbers was huddled in Ron's pocket, and he was unpleasantly surprised to see that Scabbers, once so fat, was now very skinny; patches of fur seemed to have fallen out too._

"Maybe Ron should just go get a new rat," suggested James. "That woman in the Magical Menagerie was right."

"Maybe Hermione should just get rid of Crookshanks!" Peter answered back. "Scabbers was there before Crookshanks was, and Hermione could have just spent her money on a book or something worthwhile and less offensive."

"_He's not looking too good, is he?" Harry said._

"Not at all," Peter responded crossly.

"_It's stress!" said Ron. "He'd be find if that big stupid furball left him alone!"_

_But Harry, remembering what the woman at the Magical Menagerie had said about rats living only three years, couldn't help feeling that unless Scabbers had powers he had never revealed, he was reaching the end of his life. And despite Ron's frequent complaints that Scabbers was both boring and useless, he was sure Ron would be very miserable if Scabbers died._

"Poor, poor, Scabbers," said Peter. "I mean, if Scabbers is going to die, Ron should at least be able to enjoy some nice quiet time with him!"

James stifled a laugh.

"What?" Peter asked, looking at James oddly. "What's so funny?"

"Just the way you're bonding with rats," said James with a shrug. "It's just amusing. But it's not like I've ever run into any other stags to bond with, so I guess I can't say anything."

_Christmas spirit was definitely thin on the ground in the Gryffindor common room that morning._

"That's a crime," said Sirius. "I just love Christmas. Everyone should get in the mood for it! And sing some songs! Like… 'God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriff'!"

" 'God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriff?'" Remus repeated. "I honestly can't say I've heard of that one."

"That's because I only just made it up right now," said Sirius, as though it should have been obvious. "I think it'd be very appropriate, especially with all the bad news Buckbeak just got. He needs some Christmas cheer to get him through. He needs a good time to rest. He needs gits from the Ministry to know he's innocent and just leave him alone!" he finished furiously, banging his fist down on the floor.

_Hermione had shut Crookshanks in her dormitory, but was furious with Ron for trying to kick him; Ron was still fuming about Crookshanks's fresh attempt to eat Scabbers._

"Which I think completely justifies Ron's reason for trying to kick Crookshanks," said Peter.

_Harry gave up trying to make them talk to each other and devoted himself to examining the Firebolt, which he had brought down to the common room with him. For some reason this seemed to annoy Hermione as well; she didn't say anything, but she kept looking darkly at the broom as though it too had been criticizing her cat._

James rolled his eyes. "Give it a rest, Hermione. Stop being jealous."

"Just admit that your cat is insane!" added Peter. "Maybe if you cared about what Crookshanks ate more, he wouldn't be picking on Scabbers."

_At lunchtime they went down to the Great Hall, to find that the House tables had been moved against the walls again, and that a single table, set for twelve, stood in the middle of the room._

"Ooh, that's what happened during first year when I stayed here!" said Peter excitedly. "I like it. I think it's nice and cozy when it's just you and a few other students and teachers. Although, it's also really weird…"

_Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Sprout, and Flitwick were there, along with Filch, the caretaker, who had taken off his usual brown coat and was wearing a very old and rather moldy-looking tailcoat._

"Ergh, so he's still got that thing?" James asked. "Filch is just disgusting. It makes me proud to say how much we've managed to get away with under his nose… and still how much of it I've paid for in detention."

"Yes, I believe Filch has now devoted an entire file cabinet to you, hasn't he?" Remus inquired.

"Oh, at least one," said James, with a carefree wave of his hand. "He can put me in detention as often as he likes, but it's not going to change anything."

"Every time I pass Filch, I always hear him muttering about how he's watching me," said Remus. "Which is extremely creepy, but he just doesn't believe that I can be good all the time. He's still determined to catch me doing something extremely bad."

"Yeah, well, if he knew what goes on at the Shrieking Shack once a month…" started Peter with a grin.

_There were only three other students, two extremely nervous-looking first years and a sullen-faced Slytherin fifth year._

Sirius frowned and looked over at Remus. "So, Professor Lupin… where are you?"

"I, er… don't know," admitted Remus, his eyes darting about the page. "I guess I'm just… late or something."

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "Sure. You. Late. As if that ever happens."

"It might!" replied Remus indignantly.

Sirius laughed again. "Sure it will. No… I hate to say it, but maybe it's the… time of the Wolfboy."

"Sirius!"

"Oh, I'm only jesting with you! Well. Kind of. Nickname; yes, reason; no."

Remus's face fell. "Great. So then I'd be gone again because of the terrible beast within. Why don't they just tack a great neon sign on my forehead that says, 'Look at me! I'm a werewolf'!"

"Because maybe it's not as obvious as you think it is," said Sirius, repressing a chuckle. "Plenty of people don't show up for Christmas feast. In fact… maybe you just went home. Yeah! Maybe you went home to… visit your mother, or something."

"Sirius, my mother is probably dead by that point."

"Well, you never know. Nobody said so."

"Doesn't mean tons of people haven't died already," mumbled James.

"_Merry Christmas!" said Dumbledore as Harry, Ron, and Hermione approached the table. "As there are so few of us, it seemed foolish to use the House tables… Sit down, sit down!"_

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat down side by side at the end of the table._

"_Crackers!" said Dumbledore enthusiastically, offering the end of a large silver noisemaker to Snape, who took it reluctantly and tugged._

"I hope it blows off your face," said James with contempt etched all over his expression.

_With a bang like a gunshot, the cracker flew apart to reveal a large, pointed witch's hat topped with a stuffed vulture._

At this moment, all four boys burst into simultaneous laughter, knowing exactly where this kind of hat had been mentioned in relation to Snape before.

"It's Snivellus's favorite hat!" shouted Sirius, truly grinning at once.

"If it couldn't have blown off your head, that'll do!" cried James approvingly in between his laughter. "Put it on, Snivelly, put it on! I remember thinking you must have worn it so well…"

_Harry, remembering the boggart, caught Ron's eye, and they both grinned; Snape's mouth thinned and he pushed the hat toward Dumbledore, who swapped it for his wizard's hat at once._

Now all four boys' faces fell.

"But… that was for Snape," Peter whined. "_He_ was supposed to wear it!"

"He better wear it!" James said it agreement. "Hopefully Dumbledore will save it. It just goes to show Dumbledore has always had a better sense of humor than Snivelly did. Then again, Snivelly never had one to begin with."

"_Dig in!" he advised the table, beaming around._

_As Harry was helping himself to roast potatoes, the doors of the Great Hall opened again._

"Oh, maybe you _are_ late!" said Sirius encouragingly to Remus. But Remus had caught sight of the next line.

"No, no I'm not. Thanks for trying."

_It was Professor Trelawney—_

"Yeah, well, it should have been Professor Lupin," interjected Sirius.

—_gliding toward them as though on wheels. She had put on a green sequined dress in honor of the occasion, making her look more than ever like a glittering, oversized dragonfly._

"Why couldn't it have been you, Moony?" asked James. "Now I bet she's going to ruin Harry's day all over again! And it's Christmas. The last thing he needs is to be told the omen of death is in his Christmas tealeaves."

"_Sibyll, this is a pleasant surprise!" said Dumbledore, standing up._

"No, it's not," said Sirius stubbornly, his arms folding again. "A better surprise would have been Professor Lupin joining them."

"_I have been crystal gazing, Headmaster," said Professor Trelawney in her mistiest, most faraway voice, "and to my astonishment, I saw myself abandoning my solitary luncheon and coming to join you. Who am I to refuse the promptings of fate? I at once hastened from my tower, and I do beg you to forgive my lateness…"_

Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. There were no 'promptings of fate' involved. Trelawney must have just decided that she felt too lonely with so few people in the castle, and wanted to have some of the food from the feast. What a load of rubbish."

"_Certainly, certainly," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. "Let me draw you up a chair—"_

_And he did indeed draw a chair in midair with his wand, which revolved for a few seconds before falling with a thud between Professors Snape and McGonagall. Professor Trelawney, however, did not sit down; her enormous eyes had been roving around the table, and she suddenly uttered a kind of soft scream._

"Something wrong with the food?" asked Peter. "It's always really good! I don't understand what she's screaming about."

"If it gets her to go away, fine with me," answered Remus tartly.

"_I dare not, Headmaster! If I join the table, we shall be thirteen! Nothing could be more unlucky! Never forget that when thirteen dine together, the first to rise will be the first to die!"_

Now Remus chuckled himself. "Honestly, what utter rubbish! But again, that's fine. Let her believe in those crazy Divination theories, and she can believe in them all the way back to the Divination tower, and stay there. I've never heard of something so ridiculous in all my life. I'm sure I've dined with thirteen people at some point in my life, and no one's died."

"Yeah… but are you sure it was thirteen people exactly?" asked Peter. "You never know… Maybe you counted wrong, and no one died because it wasn't the right number. I really don't think she's that crazy at all. Remember my finger in the tealeaves?"

"Coincidence," replied Remus dismissively.

"Fine, you think that, but I'm going to keep my eye on them!" announced Peter.

"Me too," said James. "Hopefully, the first to rise will be Snivellus."

"_We'll risk it, Sibyll," said Professor McGonagall impatiently. "Do sit down, the turkey's getting stone cold."_

_Professor Trelawney hesitated, then lowered herself into the empty chair, eyes shut and mouth clenched tight, as though expecting a thunderbolt to hit the table._

"Nah, no thunderbolt," James said with a shake of his head. "Although there _is_ a lightning bolt on Harry's forehead…"

_Professor McGonagall poked a large spoon into the nearest tureen._

"_Tripe, Sibyll?"_

"Oh, nice, give her the cow stomach to gross her out!" said Peter sarcastically.

Remus's eyes darted around and he pursed his lips together tightly.

Sirius titled his head and looked over at him. "Something you want to say, Moony?"

Remus swallowed and looked around. "Um. No. No. No, I do not."

Sirius continued to watch him keenly. "But Moony, you look like you really wanted to tell us something."

"No… I mean, it's terrible to say and quite embarrassing to say, and I'm not even sure why I feel like this…"

"Feel like why?" Sirius inquired, grinning as he continued to egg him on.

"That… erm…"

"Come on, Moony… think what a bad day I've had. Let me know…"

"Er… Well, it's a terribly foolish thought of me, but… tripe really isn't all that bad," Remus finished in a small voice. His head then snapped down to the book, averting everyone's eyes.

James shrugged and looked curiously at him. "Moony, that's kind of disgusting. But I don't care. Have you taken a good look at the kind of things I've eaten?"

"Yes," said Remus. "It's just… I always feel so _guilty_ about it."

"Not your fault," said James firmly. "Besides, McGonagall likes tripe, and nothing's wrong with her. Well, besides the fact that she's much too strict on Gryffindor…"

_Professor Trelawney ignored her. Eyes open again, she looked around once more and said, "But where is dear Professor Lupin?"_

Remus sighed exasperatedly. "Oh, you had to just bring that up!"

"_I'm afraid the poor fellow is ill again," said Dumbledore, indicating that everybody should start serving themselves. "Most unfortunate that it should happen on Christmas Day."_

"What a miserable way to spend Christmas," said Remus, sighing again.

"Have you tried spending it dead?" asked Peter bitterly.

"Fair point, I suppose," agreed Remus, heaving yet another sigh. "Although… surely being dead would mean I'd not have to experience any of this."

At once Sirius cried, "Remus! What are you thinking?"

"Just a thought that crosses my mind every now and again," said Remus casually. "But I don't think I could actually… I mean, I've never actually wanted to…"

"Well, like I've said, there are too many deaths," said James. "But if, for some stupid reason, you ever wanted to add to it… I think it'd be more than easy to." He glared at Sirius's forehead.

"No, I'm fine," said Remus quickly. "Never mind this now, they're supposed to be happy and celebrating… Harry just got his broom…"

"_But surely you already knew that, Sibyll?" said Professor McGonagall, her eyebrows raised._

_Professor Trelawney gave Professor McGonagall a very gold look._

"_Certainly I knew, Minerva," she said quietly. "But one does not parade the fact that one is All-Knowing. I frequently act as though I am not possessed of the Inner Eye, so as not to make others nervous."_

"_That explains a great deal," said Professor McGonagall tartly._

"Oooh, Minerva just told off Trelawney!" cheered James excitedly. "It's moments like that— when McGonagall is telling off people that aren't me— that I think she's the best witch I've ever met in my life."

"Even in front of Lily?" asked Peter shrewdly. This dilemma immediately hit James hard.

"Oh. Well, no. Lily's first. Yeah. Although McGonagall is older and has more experience in the wizarding world… Maybe there's a tie… or something…"

_Professor Trelawney's voice suddenly became a good deal less misty._

"_If you must know, Minerva, I have seen that poor Professor Lupin will not be with us for very long."_

"What?" cried Remus, as three pairs of eyes turned sharply to stare at him. "I never said I actually had any intention to end my life!"

"Yeah, well how do we know that's true?" asked Peter quickly.

"Because Divination is nothing but an old fraud!" exclaimed Remus. "There is nothing worthwhile in that business to believe. I bet she is just making that up to draw more attention to herself."

"We can only hope that," said Sirius.

"_He seems aware, himself, that his time is short."_

"Oh, stop it Trelawney! Shut it!" cried Remus. "Don't make me start worrying now about things like— like getting the sack, or getting executed…"

"Two things that are certainly never going to happen to someone like _you_, Remus," said Sirius confidently.

"How do you know?" snapped Remus impatiently. "People like _me_ get widely prejudiced against for this type of thing every single day! There's nothing extraordinary about it; it's a perfectly plausible answer. Except I still have to believe Trelawney is making this up. So, unless it comes from someone else's mouth…"

"_He positively fled when I offered to crystal gaze for him—"_

"No wonder," said Peter. "He doesn't believe in anything you're saying!"

"That, and I hate crystal balls," said Remus with a shudder. "Ridiculous class."

"_Imagine that," said Professor McGonagall dryly._

"_I doubt," said Dumbledore, in a cheerful but slightly raised voice, which put an end to Professor McGonagall and Professor Trelawney's conversation, "that Professor Lupin is in any immediate danger."_

Remus breathed a sigh of relief. "Whatever Dumbledore says is good enough for me."

"_Severus, you've made the potion for him again?"_

"WHAT?" yelped Sirius. "Dumbledore _encourages_ Snivellus to do that? How could he?"

Remus turned pale, and James and Peter looked equally as concerned.

"But I was sure Snape was trying to poison you!" declared Peter.

"Well, I lived for a bit, so clearly that wasn't the answer," said Remus. "And I want to put all my trust in Dumbledore, which means I have to trust him in that if he trusts what Snape is up to is fine and beneficial to me, than it must be. And I can only assume now that it has something to do with lycanthropy. It's just… I wish I could figure out what it is!"

James looked up. "Oy, ceiling! How about another book with some straight up answers?"

The ceiling had no response. James sighed and shrugged. "It was worth a shot…"

"_Yes, Headmaster," said Snape. _

"_Good," said Dumbledore. "Then he should be up and about in no time…"_

"We can only hope," said Sirius again. "What if Snivellus is tampering with it right under Dumbledore's nose? I wouldn't put it past him!"

"No," said Remus defiantly. "He can't possibly… I mean, so far I'm all right… and I really don't want to think about Dumbledore misguidedly putting his trust in someone." He swallowed, suddenly thinking about himself and his current full moon adventures at Hogwarts. "Although he's certainly done it with me…"

"He has _not,"_ said Sirius, slapping Remus on the back. "Shut it and read the book."

"_Derek, have you had any of these chipolatas? They're excellent."_

_The first-year boy went furiously red on being addressed directly by Dumbledore, and took the platter of sausages with trembling hands._

"Poor Derek," said James. "Dumbledore was being perfectly nice! Maybe that kid's just not used to being spoken to a lot."

_Professor Trelawney behaved almost normally until the very end of Christmas dinner, two hours later. Full to bursting with Christmas dinner and still wearing their party hats, Harry and Ron got up first from the table and she shrieked loudly._

As did Peter.

"Who's going to die?!"

"What?!" shouted James.

"The rule about thirteen dining together!" Peter insisted. "They were the first to get up! One of them is going to die!"

"Oh _no!"_ whined James. "Harry just got his new Firebolt! He can't die! No! No, no, no! Then again… if he did, Lily and I would get to see him again… But no! I want Harry to live the longest, happiest life he can at this time. Be quiet, Trelawney. You're just lying."

"Now you're seeing my point," said Remus with an approving nod.

"_My dears! Which of you left his seat first? Which?"_

"Not Harry!" James shouted quickly. "But I really don't want Ron to die either… ugh. Why couldn't Snivellus just stand up first?"

"_Dunno," said Ron, looking uneasily at Harry._

"_I doubt it will make much difference," said Professor McGonagall coldly, "unless a mad axe-man is waiting outside of the doors to slaughter the first into the entrance hall."_

"With that little people left at the school, you never know!" cried Peter.

"I've always liked McGonagall's dismissal of Divination," said Remus. "And I completely believe her now. There's never been any mad axe-men in Hogwarts anyway…"

_Even Ron laughed. Professor Trelawney looked highly affronted._

"_Coming?" Harry said to Hermione._

"_No," Hermione muttered, "I want a quick word with Professor McGonagall."_

"It just better not be about trying to evict Scabbers from Gryffindor House!" said Peter. "He was always there, and he still deserves to be! Maybe you can talk to McGonagall about transfiguring Crookshanks into something that doesn't cause as much trouble… like a tea cozy!"

"Oh, come on, Peter, let it at least still be alive," said Remus. "You can just hope that Crookshanks doesn't act quite as vicious."

"_Probably trying to see if she can take anymore classes," yawned Ron as they made their way into the entrance hall, which was completely devoid of mad axe-men._

James breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew. Nobody's killing my son today in that entrance hall!"

_When they reached the portrait hole, they found Sir Cadogan enjoy a Christmas party with a couple of monks, several previous headmasters of Hogwarts, and his fat pony. He pushed up his visor and toasted them with a flagon of mead._

"_Merry— hic— Christmas! Password?"_

"_Scurvy cur," said Ron._

"_And the same to you, sir!" roared Sir Cadogan as the painting swung forward to admit them._

_Harry went straight up to his dormitory, collected the Firebolt at the Broomstick Servicing Kit Hermione had given him for his birthday, brought them downstairs, and tried to find something to do with the Firebolt—_

"Like what?" asked James, going dreamy again now that his beloved Firebolt had reappeared in the picture. "It's already so perfect!"

—_however, there were no bent twigs to clip, and the handle was so shiny already it seemed pointless to polish it. He and Ron simply sad admiring it from every angle until the portrait hole opened, and Hermione came in, accompanied by Professor McGonagall._

"Nice," said Peter. "Harry and Ron are doing exactly the same thing James would be doing if he were there."

"Ah, and I bet McGonagall's come in to admire Harry's spectacular new broom as well!" said James. "She'll be so pleased to see how obvious it is that Gryffindor will win the Quidditch cup this year. And the year after that. And the year after that…"

_Though Professor McGonagall was head of Gryffindor House, Harry had seen her in the common room only once before, and that had been to make a very grave announcement._

"Wonder what that was," Sirius questioned. "Maybe it was to let them know in first year that they'd have to suffer through Potions lessons with Snivellus Snape."

_He and Ron stared at her, both holding the Firebolt. Hermione walked around them, sat down, picked up the nearest book, and hid her face behind it._

"_So that's it, is it?" said Professor McGonagall, beadily, walking over to the fireside and staring at the Firebolt. "Miss Granger has just informed me that you have been sent a broomstick, Potter."_

"Ohhh," said James. "So _that's_ your little idea of fun, Hermione? Being a tattletale and telling McGonagall immediately about the broom? Well, I guess she deserves it anyway… but now why does Hermione have to walk over with the book and act so jealous and guilty?"

_Harry and Ron looked around at Hermione. They could see her forehead reddening over the top of her book, which was upside down._

"_May I?" said Professor McGonagall, but she didn't wait for an answer before pulling the Firebolt out of their hands._

"Oy! Watch your manners, McGonagall!" said James, a very uncharacteristic phrase for him to say, and to McGonagall no less. "That's _Harry's_ new Firebolt! You can't just rip it out of his hands! If you want one, go buy one yourself!"

_She examined it carefully from handle to twig-ends. "Hmm. And there was no note at all, Potter? No card? No message of any kind?"_

"No," said Peter. "We've been over this. It's a mystery that has a happy result anyway!"

"_No," said Harry blankly._

"_I see…" said Professor McGonagall. "Well, I'm afraid I will have to take this Potter."_

James's jaw immediately fell open. "WHAT?!" he screamed. "MOONY, YOU BETTER TELL ME YOU JUST MADE THAT LINE UP!"

"Er," said Remus, blinking heavily. "Well… no, I didn't."

"McGONAGALL IS TAKING AWAY HARRY'S FIREBOLT?" he bellowed. "BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR! HE JUST GOT IT! WHY, MINERVA, WHY?"

"_W— what?" said Harry, scrambling to his feet. "Why?"_  
"WHY?" James echoed.

"_It will need to be checked for jinxes," said Professor McGonagall._

"JINXES?" James repeated, his voice cracking. "THAT FIREBOLT IS FINE! THERE ARE NO JINXES! GIVE IT BACK TO HARRY!"

"_Of course, I'm no expert, but I daresay Madam Hooch and Professor Flitwick will strip it down—"_

"WHAT?" cried James again. "YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN HARRY'S NEW BROOM! WHY ARE YOU TAKING AWAY THE KEY TO WINNING THE QUIDDITCH CUP?"

"_Strip it down?" repeated Ron, as though Professor McGonagall was mad._

"AND SHE IS!" James insisted. "SOMEBODY KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO THAT WOMAN!"

"_It shouldn't take more than a few weeks," said Professor McGonagall._

"AND YOU THINK HARRY CAN SURVIVE A FEW WEEKS WITHOUT HIS BRAND NEW FIREBOLT?" James yelled.

"Yes, because his father certainly can't survive one minute," said Sirius, though he too had gone red in the face upon the news that McGonagall was taking Harry's Firebolt away.

"_You will have it back if we are sure it is jinx-free."_

"IT IS!" James said. "GIVE IT BACK!"

"_There's nothing wrong with it!" said Harry, his voice shaking slightly. "Honestly, Professor—"_

"_You can't know that, Potter," said Professor McGonagall, quite kindly—_

"Still doesn't make up for the unkindness you're doing to him!" whined James.

—"_not until you've flown it, at any rate, and I'm afraid that is out of the question until we are certain that it has not been tampered with. I shall keep you informed."_

_Professor McGonagall turned on her heel and carried the Firebolt out of the portrait hole, which closed behind her._

"Okay," said James, breathing heavily, attempting to calm himself down. "I can see where McGonagall is coming from. She wants to make sure Harry is safe. But— but— couldn't she at least let him keep it and not ride it? Or something! Let him at least look at it! Or why couldn't Professor Flitwick and Madam Hooch work on identifying jinxes as quickly as possible? It was Harry's Christmas gift! It's what I would've given him if I were alive! She's stripping away Harry's little link to his father!"

_Harry stood staring after her, the tin of High-Finish Polish still clutched in his hands. Ron, however, rounded on Hermione._

"_What did you go running to McGonagall for?"_

"Yeah!" echoed James. "Why, why?"

_Hermione threw her book aside. She was still pink in the face, but stood up and faced Ron defiantly._

"_Because I thought— and Professor McGonagall agrees with me— that that broom was probably sent to Harry by Sirius Black!"_

Quick as a flash, James rounded on Sirius, staring him directly in the eyes. "YOU?"

"Him?" cried Remus and Peter in unison.

But Sirius was just as surprised. "Me?" he repeated, confusion leaking in his voice.

"Why you—!" began James, but his face fell and he didn't know where to continue. "You," he said evenly to Sirius. "You're a murderer. You've killed Peter, Lily, and I—"

Sirius squirmed uncomfortably, closing his eyes for a second.

James continued on. "And now what? You want to mock Harry? You want to mock me?" He looked around, shaking his head, and his voice started shaking. "Your idea of a bit of fun is to give Harry _exactly_ the thing I would have wanted him to have… and now you might've _jinxed_ it? Trying to get Harry nice and dead like his parents, are we?"

Sirius was fuming, but he bit his lip and refused to respond.

"No wonder everyone is terrified of you! You're much too clever and cunning for your own good. Of course Harry would never suspect that the one time he gets something he absolutely dreams of, it's all a great big murderer's fault!"

Remus cleared his throat and looked over at James tentatively. "Now… James. I won't deny that the idea of Sirius getting to Harry using this dream broom is nothing short of a clever plot that could be used to end Harry's well being."

"Just what I'm thinking!" James growled.  
"But," Remus added on quickly. "It was… It was just Hermione and McGonagall's assumptions. I mean, they might not be right, you know. There isn't any concrete evidence."

"Remus," said James, as calmly as possible though still with a shaky voice. "Would you say Hermione is an extremely bright and clever witch, and the brightest in her year?"

Remus bit his lip. "Yes…Well… Harry's very intelligent too, of course."

"This isn't about Harry's intelligence right now!" cried James. "But you admit it. Hermione's very shrewd and keen. Have you ever known Hermione to be wrong before?"

"Erm… no," Remus admitted. "But people can be wrong all the time! Even the smartest man in the world can make mistakes! Dumbledore's a genius, and he's still making the mistake of trusting me…"

"I keep telling you, Remus, those aren't mistakes!" shouted Sirius fiercely.

"But obviously, us becoming friends with _him_ was," said James coldly. He stared moodily around his room, and away from Sirius, before finally saying. "Let's go downstairs. I want something to eat." He stood up and started heading for the door.

The tenseness in Peter's body immediately loosened up. "Good idea, I'm starved…"

"Well, yes, it's a good idea," said Remus. "As I won't deny I'm hungry as well, but James, your parents will probably be down there."

James turned over his shoulder. "So?"

"So…" Remus pressed on. "I really don't think we should tell your parents about this book. I mean, we haven't got to the end, and we don't even know where it's come from."

James considered this. "Fine. Okay. We don't tell them. Is that it?"

"Just about," said Remus. "Except if we're to pretend to know nothing of this book, it means you can't be outrageously infuriated with Sirius down there, and you must act as normal as possible. Just— don't talk to each other. Wait. No. Your parents will think something is out of the ordinary if you don't. So, I guess what I'm saying is… No arguing. Whatsoever. We need to leave all the tension in this room."

James bit on the inside of these cheeks. "Fine. Inside this room. Got it. Now if you don't mind, I need some breakfast to make myself feel better." He turned on his heel and walked out, and Peter looked around before scrambling up and after him.

Remus quickly scanned James's room before locating a bookmark and placing it between the pages, and then setting the book on James's disorganized desk. He glanced at Sirius and then followed after without a word.

And Sirius gave the book a long heavy stare before screwing up his eyes in a mix of fury and resentment and confusion. He cast it a filthy look and then slowly retreated to the hallway, closing the door of James's room behind him.


End file.
